The Unthought Known

My mom was full of sayings, actually my dad too. “Honesty is the best policy” was one. I guess it was a deep one for me, for I’ve always tried to be what I refer to as a “straight” shooter. I have a friend who says somewhere deep down inside, she always knew, even if what she deeply knew could not be fully articulated. Eventually, the truth came out. It usually does.

So, maybe I also knew that secrets never keep very well. As ignorant as we were, we never kept the truth of how they were conceived from our sons. Following advice I had seen offered, we told them abbreviated origin stories when they were yet very young, even if these were stories they were too young to fully grasp. After I learned our egg donor had done a 23 and Me test, I bought one for my husband and then test kits for both boys. They were older now and we could honestly discuss the whole situation with them and they could comprehend it fully. 23 and Me gives them a private channel of communication with their egg donor (genetic mother), if they chose. They have also spent time with her and her youngest son, when they were yet very young, though they’ve only seen photos of the other two. Distance and financial constraints negate our having very much contact.

Since learning my adoptee parents’ origin stories (they both were adopted), I’ve also learned a lot about all things adoption and that extends into donor conceived persons’ stories, as well as what is referred to as a non-parent event – meaning that someone discovers that at least one (or sometimes both) of the parents they thought were theirs – were not. This can be painful and difficult for one to wrap their mind around, especially if this knowledge comes late in life. That is what happened to Jon Baime when he was 54 years old.

His subsequent documentary is available at LINK>video on demand. This can be rented from the Microsoft Store, Apple TV, Amazon Video, Vudu, Google Play Movies, YouTube, or Spectrum On Demand.

Baime shares his journey in the interview with LINK>Severance Magazine. It is this interview where I got the title of today’s blog. It begins with this background – Imagine yourself in this scenario. You tell your 92-year-old father that you want to take a DNA test to learn more about your heritage. Your father says, “I don’t want you to take that test until after I’m dead!” You ask why, and he can’t or won’t tell you. What do you do? Naturally, you take the test, and your father says, “Fine, piss on my wish,” and you spend weeks waiting for the results and wondering what’s the big mystery.

That’s what happened to Jon Baime when he was 54-years old. You might think he shouldn’t have been surprised to learn that the man he believed to be his father wasn’t related in any way, that he was in fact donor conceived, that his parents had been keeping a secret from him, about him. But even if you were raised in a family that keeps secrets, as he was, where children were often told that certain matters were none of their business—and even if you’ve always known that something in your family wasn’t quite adding up—it’s always a shock to find out your identity is not what you’ve always believed it to be, that your relationships changed in the moment you received your test results, that your whole world flipped upside down and there’s suddenly so much you don’t know that your head spins.

During the four years after his DNA surprise, he used his professional skills as an Atlanta-based producer of non-fiction projects, to unravel the family’s secrets and lies -researching and scrambling through a trove of family history in the form of photos and home movies, and traveling the country to interview his older brothers (also donor conceived with mixed reactions) and his new siblings (who had appeared as DNA matches). One sees why genetic mirroring can be important to a person in the photo below.

Baime and his biological father, Harrison.

Usually No Support

Today’s story from a Natural mom, in reunion –

I saw my therapist this morning and he keeps saying I need to forgive myself. I just don’t know how. I placed my son when he was 5 months old and I was 17. I now know that I had extreme post-partum depression and a shitty support system. He (26 now) says that his adoptive parents were great, but he was so angry and rebellious as a kid. I just have so many regrets. His adoptive parents gave him my contact info when he turned 18. We saw each other and talked a lot for several years, but now he is married and his wife thinks I’m a horrible person, so I rarely talk to him now and haven’t seen him in 4 years. I also have 4 daughters that I raised. I’m looking for advice and practical ways to truly learn how to forgive myself. The pain is still so overwhelming sometimes.

blogger’s note – I actually replied on this one – It can be hard. While my situation is not the same, I continue to struggle with feelings that I did not do “right” by my daughter. Though never my intention (I left her with her paternal grandmother for temporary care while I tried to earn some financial support for us by driving an 18-wheel truck cross-country with a partner), her dad ended up with her and he remarried a woman with a daughter and they had a daughter together. I thought this was giving her the kind of home I could not. I only learned recently (she just turn 50 yesterday) that life in that family was not as good as I had thought – mostly because of her dad (like, yeah, I guess I should have known having been married to the man). Anyway, though we do have a good relationship, I continue to struggle with the feelings I have about it all. Yes, I did the best I could at the time and it had unintended consequences. Keep working on your “reasons” and “feelings”. Understanding changes over time but we can never regain all that we lost.

One adoptee writes – I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. Coming from the opposite perspective, I WISH my natural mother was like you and wanted contact with me and cared enough to try. You can’t change the past, only the present and the future, so you must focus on those. Keep working on your relationship with him, I guarantee it matters to him. As much as I begrudge my natural mother for rejecting me twice, I would never wish her to feel guilt all her life. You are worthy and deserving of peace.

Another commenter wrote – When looking back at our decisions, we come to judge ourselves very harshly based on what we know after the fact. But this isn’t fair. All you had at the time was your depressed brain and other influences telling you that you couldn’t care for him. You had deep love and care for him all along with no way to properly give it. I am so sorry for that. But you should forgive yourself in order to move forward. It might feel like it’s too late but it’s not. His wife doesn’t want him to feel pain, but if you keep up a healthy and consistent relationship, I think she will come around. Wishing you the best.

From another natural mother – I completely get this. When I feel especially shitty about what happened, I try to remind myself I was a young teenager and I didn’t know what I know now. But it honestly doesn’t help much. I try to forgive myself. I know intellectually that I had no outside support and didn’t feel I had a choice. I still feel shitty. I read what adoptees say here, and I’m so sorry that my son has to live this life that he had no choice in. I feel extremely guilty and regretful.

From a father who is also an adoptee – Write a forgiveness letter to your younger self. Get it out on paper that you did the best you could under the circumstances. Take the letter and burn it as a symbol of letting go. Carrying the guilt, grief and possibly shame isn’t helping you or anyone. I am also a reunited absentee father from my son. We have a connection but it takes work.

I loved this perspective – I’m also working on loving myself and forgiving myself with my therapist. It sounds weird, but the biggest mindshift that’s actually worked for me is viewing my past actions as if they were of a close friend instead of my own. And in a way, you’ve grown and changed so much, you truly are a different person from past you. So anyway, if you’re anything like me (or most people, from what my therapist says), then you say things to yourself that you would NEVER say to a friend. It takes work to think that way, and I have to stop myself mid-thought sometimes, but I really think it’s starting to help. Sometimes I’ll even imagine what I would say to my best friend if she were coming to me with the same concerns I have about my own past.

Another shares her own mantra – “We are all doing the best we can with what we have.” This does not excuse us from committing to the hard work of doing better in the present and future, but it allows us to accept our past selves (and others!) as we were.

One person notes this truth – Adoption was promoted as a fantasy for the child. There was no public criticism if it. At 17, you were totally at the mercy of the adults around you. Don’t hold yourself responsible, when the industry was designed to prey on you. One adoptee notes – adoption is a societal failure, not the parents’ failure.

Withholding Sibling Contact

Though this happens all too often, it is generally believed that sibling relationships matter and that they are very important when a family has been fractured. So, today’s story is heart concerning.

I am an adoptive parent of 2 former foster care youths. They are not related to one another. The youngest just turned 5. When we were in the process of adopting her, the social worker told us she had other (half) siblings that were also in the system and about to be adopted with another sibling of theirs. We asked about any visits they had and the social worker said “Oh, they don’t even know about her. We never did any visits or anything, it doesn’t matter, they are going to be adopted to another family with their other younger half brother.” I’m not in agreement about them not needing to know.

Eventually, I was able to get their first names and the name of their other sibling. I did some internet digging, their names aren’t super common, so I literally googled their first names. This led me to an obituary that had them listed as grandchildren. Then, I jumped on social media and looked up the names of the children listed and came across a public Instagram account belonging to the adoptive father. He had some photos of the kids with their names, from when they first came into his home.

I sat on it for a bit but decided to reach out via direct message. I introduced myself and acknowledged this may come across as a strange message and mentioned that I wasn’t sure if they were aware of their sister’s existence (there’s an additional sibling now too). I said I’d like to connect the kids, if possible. I got a response that was just “please call me” with the phone number. I was in the middle of bedtime, so I said I’d message when I was done and if it wasn’t too late for them (different time zones), I’d call.

So I call, it’s a bit late, but they insisted. It was an odd call for a number of reasons. He did most of the talking. It was a 90 minute call. He did make a point of telling me that it’s not that he doesn’t think their other siblings aren’t important but that they continuously emphasize that the siblings they now live with are their “real” siblings and the only ones that really matter. I was a bit surprised at the amount of negative things he shared about them (these poor kids have been through a lot). As this was a first meeting, it felt awkward having him kind of airing their dirty laundry so-to-speak.

He kept saying he had to take back the reigns from the oldest, she had always acted like a mother hen, but he’s the parent and he’s in charge now. He also said they had some contact with another sibling (unrelated to our daughter), but they cut it off because it seemed like any time they had any reminder of anyone from their past, they would “all just act like stupid little jerks.”…Wow.

One thing I did find out was, they had almost zero information on the dad or any photos. I don’t have a ton of info, but the basics, name, birthday, home town and I do have some photos, so I agreed to share them and sent them over after the call.

It was pretty obvious from the conversation that he didn’t think it was a good idea for any contact now between the kids. What caught me off guard was the message I received the next morning…I realize I may be reading into this. But this is the response I got – Right now is not the right time for my kids to see or even interact with their younger sister. Pleases respect our privacy. The siblings still need to get on track and work through their own trauma. We can revisit this in 5 years (or more) when I think they are ready.

I agree his kids need to be his number one priority. But I wonder if denying any contact between the siblings for 5 or more years will have negative impact. In 5 years, my daughter will be 10, his kids will be 14 and 16. I’m also wondering how to best approach this with my daughter, as our older child does have a relationship with her brothers. She knows their names, she knows they exist, she’s seen like the 2 pictures I got from his social media, but it sounds like that’s going to be the end of the road for a while.

(We are supposed to start working with a trauma informed adoption competent therapist in the next few months but haven’t started yet as we’ve been on the wait list. We had someone else lined up but we didn’t continue with that one due to her stating how lucky they were to be adopted into our family.)

I’m curious about the experiences from both angles. Both if your adoptive parent withheld sibling contact and family information and from those that wanted it but were blocked by your sibling’s adoptive parents. The man has since either deleted his Instagram or has blocked me.

An adoptee that is also a former foster care youth responded – Reading this has made me so mad. I find it disgusting that people think it’s acceptable to adopt children and play god with their lives and determine what they have a right to know ABOUT THEMSELVES.

I would be honest and open with your little one from the get go. She has siblings, they live X with X, unfortunately, she can’t have contact right now due to circumstances beyond your control but you are trying to establish contact.

I would look to contact the adoption agency that placed them, try and contact them and have a formal attempt at establishing contact via those channels.

I’d also be looking at getting damages/compensation from Child Protective Services for not considering/proper management of placement. Not establishing sibling relationships and creating additional trauma.

I had 7 sibling who went in to care with me, and was only allowed contact with one. By the time I was 16, I had messaged them all on Facebook and went through a horrible and traumatic time.

I also discovered in my twenties I have a further 3 siblings who were in care that I don’t know the names or details about, and it makes me angry and sick everyday that there are people walking around and I don’t get to know them because of someone else’s selfish decisions.

That man is going to cause those children UNTOLD damage and based on the things you’ve shared, it’ll be a miracle if they’re still even with him, by the time they are 16.

She Was Trying To Find Me

From a story in The Guardian – LINK>‘My mother spent her life trying to find me’: the children who say they were wrongly taken for adoption by Rosie Swash and Thaslima Begum. It begins – For years, Bibi Hasenaar felt rejected because she was adopted aged four. Then she saw a photo that described her as missing – and began to uncover an astonishing dark history. Hasenaar says: “No one explained anything to me; I didn’t know what was happening.” She became hysterical during the airplane flight from Bangladesh to The Netherlands were she and her brother were adopted. “They tied me to the seat with a rope because I could not be calmed. I wasn’t allowed to go to my brother in the rows ahead; I just felt so alone.”

Sometime in 1993 – when she was in her early 20s, had two young children, and was working in a bar and studying part-time – Hasenaar began receiving letters from a person in Bangladesh claiming to represent her birth mother. The letters claimed that she had never intended to give her children up for adoption. Then, in the summer of 2017, a friend sent her a link to a documentary. It was about children who had been adopted in the Netherlands, and a man who had discovered he had been taken from Bangladesh without his mother’s consent. “He talked about missing children,” Hasenaar says. “I immediately got goosebumps.” An elderly woman appeared on screen, holding an old newspaper. Hasenaar could barely take in what she was seeing. “There were at least four children described as ‘missing persons’ in that newspaper. I looked at the pictures and said to myself: ‘That’s my brother.’ And then: ‘That’s me!’ I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.”

Dozens of mothers claim they handed over their children believing it to be for temporary care, only to discover that they had vanished abroad to be adopted by strangers. The “boarding school scam”, as it is often referred to, is well known to those who work in international child protection. It is a simple, brutal trick played on families in desperate circumstances. “Generally, the scam works best in locations where poor parents commonly send children to a ‘boarding school’, ‘orphanage’ or similar for food, shelter and education, often where the majority of children are there temporarily – a kind of safety net for poor families,” says David M Smolin, an expert on illegal international adoption practices, who lives in Alabama. He knows this because he and his wife decided to adopt two girls from India in 1998. “The most shocking thing was that no one seemed to care that our adoptive daughters might have been, in effect, kidnapped,” he says. “It shocked us that you could have stolen children in your home and no one would think that was a problem.” Not the agency, the governments, other adoptive parents nor the psychologist they consulted.

“What happened to us and our daughters profoundly changed our understanding not just of adoption, but the world,” Smolin says. “We realised for the first time the depth of injustice in which some people count, and others simply do not.” The couple helped the girls reunite with their mother, and Smolin has since dedicated much of his career to exposing enforced adoption.

More about this at the link in the first paragraph above.

She Loved Me So Much

At least the woman in this photo got to hold her baby before handing her son over to another couple to raise. Like many young women who surrender their newborn to adoption, this young woman was at rock bottom and living in her car. She had no familial support and was alone with her pregnancy. One common perspective is – God wanted me to take this path. Religion often plays a role in couples wanting to adopt and in biological, genetic mothers making that choice to surrender their baby. Maternity homes are often linked to a religion.

An adoptee shares her experience – My mother left me at the hospital, when I was born. I was told – she did it because she loved me. After a brief stay at the hospital, where I (and others) were denied the comfort of being held, I went to a foster home. There I learned to walk and use some words. I had developed 2-3 word sentences, when the social worker took me from my foster home and dropped me at a stranger’s home. These became my adoptive parents. By the time I was in 3rd grade, my adoptive mother was “sick”. She stayed in bed with the door closed a lot. She always seemed mad.

I would learn 22 years later, it was because she had discovered alcohol took her arthritic pain away. Then Cortizone became available but that shot every 2 weeks didn’t change her alcoholism. So she also became addicted to steroids. I grew up thinking addiction issues were “normal”. Growing up, I wasn’t taught there was anything wrong with my mother leaving me. She did it because she loved me. My parenting skills were warped by my reality. I never received the therapy I needed as a child. If I had, I’m pretty sure I would have chosen to not procreate. I was left in the dark world of popular adoption narratives that never matched my reality.

Another adoptee responds – I never did completely buy that BS about “your [biological] mother loved you SO much she gave you away, so you would have a better life.” Then when I had my own first child, at 25, same age as my biological mother had been when she had me, whatever shred of the BS I had wanted to believe was somehow true was blown out of the water, as soon as I held my newborn infant. There are some biological mothers who gave their babies away that have convinced themselves that this narrative is true. Some of them have told me the reason adoptions were closed is to “protect” the mothers from “adoptees like me” who don’t buy that line, and who are angry with them, rather than grateful for having been “loved so much.” Adopted adults have been experiencing reunions, after finding their biological, genetic family, since the 60’s. There are no credible stories of an adopted person who has injured or killed their biological mother. That “excuse” is just a part of the industry propaganda.

One woman notes – When are people going to wake up that adoption is NOT for the child. My adoptive mother had SEVERE mental illness and NEVER left the house after I turned 6 – literally NEVER!

And the truth is, they won’t as long as the adoption industry propaganda continues to be the acceptable narrative. Sort of tongue in cheek – it would help if babies had a vocabulary and could use their words. As it is, by the time they could, they’ve been pretty much brainwashed into a kind of Stockholm syndrome. They have developed a fear of expressing anything that might be interpreted by the adoptive parents as displeasure in them, as parents.

Emotional withdrawal or neglect is just another form of abandonment…and it is not an expression of love, no matter how adoptive parents spin it. Only my adopters didn’t stay confined to their rooms; they constantly violated my boundaries. I was the one who tried to isolate as much as I could. My room wasn’t safe enough, so I’d escape by running away.

Another considers herself lucky enough to have been abandoned or emotionally neglected. She notes, “It’s a wonder I function pretty well and cover it up. However, I’m just numb to most of life.”

Someone else says, I had one of those kind of “moms” who stayed in her bed in her room. No wonder I feel guilty for staying in bed when I actually have a real illness.

Lastly, yet another adoptee shares her story – I started to doubt the “loved you so much she gave you away.” line when I was still young. People would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a birth mom. I wanted to have kids and give them away to people who couldn’t have kids, so they could be happy. (Just repeating the crap I had been told.) And I was met with silence. Or “oh, you don’t want to give your babies away, your such a good little babysitter”, etc. Nope. I am going to give them away because I love them and want them to have money for the doctor. I’d say. Their faces were so unhappy. I was so confused. I look back at that little me and just cringe….

She was reassured – the fact that all the adults in our lives pushed the same narrative results in our blaming ourselves for the confusion we feel emotionally towards adoption.

When Gratitude is Inappropriate

From a mom who lost her children to Child Protective Services, in my all things adoption group – what is the best concise paragraph you have found to comment with, that shares that adoption is trauma, kids should never have to feel grateful for food and shelter, and that in many cases the trauma of being taken away from parents using drugs is greater than living with them?

Also that some people are involved in foster care for the money (I always always get “it’s not enough money to motivate people” but I am from a small poor town in a rural area and that extra $600 or whatever a month IS a huge motivator for many).

The reality is that people do have their kids taken away due to poverty, for not paying their electric bill, but foster parents get financial help to pay their bills.

New To Me

Several new things today to pass along, thanks to mention of them in my all things adoption group. Not recommending or saying anything more from me than mentioning these and passing along some comments from others. I’ve been having a very odd week and today is so disrupted, I’m at a loss. So forgive me an easy blog (not the first time but I do try to convey the best of whatever information I come across).

LINK>Adopt Us Kids. Read there were profiles of kids like on a dating site. The site says – “A national project working to ensure that children and teens in foster care get safe, loving, permanent families.” Also this – “AdoptUSKids educates families about foster care and adoption and gives child welfare professionals information and support to help them improve their services. We also maintain the nation’s only federally funded photolisting service that connects waiting children with families.” I guess it was their photolisting service that the person commenting referred to.

The other one was LINK>Fight CPS. CPS stands for Child Protective Services and I’ve learned alot about them and how they function over the last 6 or so years, since I learned the actual stories behind my parents adoptions (both of my parents were adoptees). Thankfully, my parents’ adoptions were in the 1930s and there was not such an entrenched organization at that time but there was a scoundrel by the name of Georgia Tann involved in my mom’s.

The person who mentioned these two said this about the second one – CPS terminates the children’s parents’ rights, even though they don’t have a home for these children to go to and so, they end up in foster care. That person goes on to say – I don’t think a lot of people realize how corrupt and twisted the family court system is. How do you take kids, make the parents jump through hoops and then after a year and a half terminate their rights ? The kids then get lost in the child welfare system and sometimes (if adopted) end up forced to have a new mom and dad. She notes – I’ve posted before about how abusive my adoptive home was, and I know my story isn’t unique. This is literally legal human trafficking.

Someone else mentioned – LINK>Adoptly. You can “swipe left or right on potential children.” Bottom line is that there is so much money to be made within the adoption industry that it is crawling with tons of opportunities to get into the game – as either a provider of children or an agency doing that. Sadly. Adoption reform activists are saying the quiet parts out loud these days to better inform the public at large about what is going on.

Someone who adopted from foster care notes – all the photolistings are pretty horrible. Super creepy when they describe the kids as attractive, beautiful, etc. Also teens with unique first names who also use social media… CAN be tracked down by internet weirdos, it’s extremely dangerous.

Sigh . . . the effort can feel overwhelming and discouraging. Maybe it’s just my mood today. For that I apologize and note, things will be different tomorrow (or even later tonight) LOL.

Reunification

Today’s story – 4 years ago, we became aware that the mom of a child, female age 12, who had been placed in foster care in our community, terminated her parental rights. We had not been involved with foster care or with this child but we felt moved by her need for a home and became her foster and then, adoptive parents.

(By the way) we fought the coercion to adopt but were told it was necessary or she’d be back in the foster care system. We were inexperienced and should have fought that demand more – in hindsight. At least, we didn’t change her name. During our journey together, we have been able to help her re-establish a close relationship with her mom. (Contact between them had been terminated by court order.) Her mom has made such brave and significant changes, enough the her daughter was able spend the summer with her mom. This was something both them wanted.

Typical in such situations, of course, the girl now wants to stay with her mom. We are supportive of that and are working through the logistics that would allow her that option, for as long or short as she wants. We will provide financial support and as much connection as she wants from us.

Her mom lives about 45 minutes away – so there are certain ways we won’t be able to help, like giving daily rides. Does anyone have any experience with helping a child transition back to (their biological) parents ? Any advice for us, on how to be helpful in the right ways ?

Some sympathetic support comes – where we are located, that decision has to go through Child Protective Services. I looked into it for one of my adoptees. It was painless here and approved. This child still hasn’t chosen what she wants to do, now that it is an option. If she chooses to, then we need to go to court, to give the Mom guardianship so she can have the right for medical choices, school choices, etc. She knows that all of us will respect her choice and still be active in her life, just as we all are now. We will also be providing medical insurance and financial help.

Some cautions are given – you may want to look into reunification counseling, which usually focuses on kids who have been estranged from a parent due to divorce. You may also want to consult a lawyer to learn your risk of child neglect charges – it is easy to reunify legally, IF it was a voluntary private relinquishment. Depending on the backstory for that termination of parental rights – both you and the mom could be in legal trouble. if Child Protective Services finds out (also think through situations in your and the mom’s life, are there vindictive relatives who would report the girl for being with her mom, just to cause trouble ?)

Another chimes in – be extremely cautious with this. It could prove incredibly abusive and gaslighting for the child. The person above notes that she’d assumed it would be far less adversarial, than in a typical divorce case because all caregivers are encouraging reunion.

Lastly, let the child lead. Both mom and child will undoubtedly have a lot of emotions to work through, therapy can help.

Reasonable Fears

Today’s story comes from a mom who gave up her first baby to adoption.

I am pregnant. 13 weeks. I am elated. Thrilled. Totally ready. And the whole thing is bringing up trauma after trauma from my first and only pregnancy which ended in coerced relinquishment at birth! To note here, the adoptive mother is going to refer to this baby as his half sibling.. which I will NOT approve of. This human isn’t half of anything..its a whole ass human..just like he has only half my blood and half his bio dad’s. But he’s not half my son..just like my partner’s sister is technically his half sister but nobody EVER calls her that. Why don’t we touch on how his current sister isn’t even his sister at all, she’s literally a biological stranger as much as his adoptive parents are. His adoptive sister. So, nobody calls her that! That’s because it’s belittling the relationship to do that. It’s not right. So no way am I going let her call my baby half anything.

Anyway… I am TERRIFIED to tell my relinquished, teenage son. How can someone who was seemingly discarded, given away and unwanted (he was none of those things to me, I wanted him badly but I too was a teenager, which I now know was ok. But *adoption *agendas) be ok hearing that they are about to have a bio sibling that is wanted, loved, ready to be cared for by their actual mother and not discarded ? I’m so afraid of what he will think. How he will feel. What he will hold on to in silence and not talk about.

We have had an “open” adoption for the entire 14 years of his life. But literally, now we both sit here on the edge of a cliff in what feels like ‘reunion’. In what universe does an open adoption even result in reunion anyway ? Also in what universe does a grown ass woman that bought someone’s kid think it’s ok to stop communicating with her child’s actual mother and leave him to the wolves as a teenager, to fully manage all communication with this essential stranger basically. 1, 2 or 5 visits a year was NOT enough. And it’s certainly not enough to now have him out there all alone just managing this wild relationship by himself.

I make sure to message him every 2 weeks no matter what. Response or not. He hasn’t responded in like 3 months or more. Until recently, when I asked him to go for a walk and talk. “The talk” but I didn’t mention that part. He said yea, and asked when I was thinking. He hasn’t responded again to my suggestions. I literally don’t know what to do. Or how to navigate this at all.

Unrecognized Trauma

I came upon this article – LINK>The Unrecognized Developmental Trauma of Early Relinquishment in Adoption by Meggin Nam Holtz in Visible Magazine. The link was shared due to someone else’s interest in researching both the positive and negative effects of adoption and that resulted in someone pointing to this link as one they have found useful.

In response to the initial research interest, one adoptee noted – unfortunately I think it’s harder to find the studies and statistics because no one wants to crush the pretty package of “adoption is beautiful.” However, if you check out the statistics of children raised by their biological parents vs raised by unrelated people, the kids raised by unrelated people are more likely to be abused, suffer various issues and not have the greatest outcomes.

The challenge is – We can’t even fully use that research since as soon as the child is adopted, they no longer fall into the “unrelated” category. My personal opinion is that, if research was honest, we’d see a lot less “natural” parents and their children listed under abusers or abused, in the mental health statistics. But again, society doesn’t want to acknowledge that taking someone else’s child and claiming it as your own might not be so great for the kid in the long run.

Also, if using google to research, I’m fairly certain you will be pulling up what everyone else is, ultimately, it’s a matter of what you’re willing to accept. You can go pretty much anywhere in the internet world and see undeniable proof of the negative outcomes of adoption, I hope all of those lived experiences that adopted people are telling the world aren’t secondary in your mind, due to them not being the result of technical studies done.

In other words – a Google search will give you the rainbows and unicorns story most of the time.

The link above is from a paper used in a Master of Social Work graduate school professional seminar related to child trauma. She notes that she is a female adopted person who was adopted in infancy and a clinical social worker working with the adopted population. VISIBLE Magazine® is an online publication committed to making storytelling accessible and inclusive. The publication actively privileges the work of those whose voices have been intentionally ignored or suppressed by traditional media outlets.

Meggin Nam Holtz notes – Permanent physical separation between birthing mothers from their babies is commonly referred to as “relinquishment” in the context of adoption. This discussion article will explore developmental effects of relinquishment occurring at birth and in the early days of an infant’s life. Examination of neurological, attachment, and developmentally positive outcomes attained through maintaining physical interactions between mothers and their infants during the first hours and days of infant life sheds light on what is missed if a separation occurs. Contrary to conventional beliefs and attitudes that a baby will not remember or be affected by early life experiences, the neurological impacts of stress in very early life such as relinquishment should be re-framed, acknowledged, and understood as a form of developmental trauma.

She goes on to frame the issue (and cites papers & studies) – there is a misconception in conventional attitudes that young children cannot and will not remember traumas experienced in their first few years of life. It is commonly believed that children “removed at birth may be spared the impact of ACES” (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and although adoptions that take place at an earlier age are often associated with better outcomes, adoptees who experience relinquishment at all ages are vastly overrepresented in mental health and substance abuse clinics, are at higher risk for mood disorders, mental health issues, and are four times more likely to commit suicide than non-adoptees. Adoptees are an unrecognized marginalized group deserving of specialized services that are currently lacking.

She hopes that her article debunks the myth that when placed into the best of circumstances, adoptees separated from their birth mothers in early life, do not face challenges due to long lasting developmental, emotional, and behavioral effects. The truth from the adoptees themselves is otherwise.

From there, she shares some of the history of adoption – From 1937 to 1965, the number of adoptions in America grew from 8,000 to over 70,000 due to the fact that newborns, as opposed to older children, became available. [blogger’s note – Actually, my parents were born and adopted in the 1930s.] And then adds that in the present day, there is often no waiting period at all between the actual birth and placing a newborn into the arms of an adoptive family. [blogger’s note – My parents DID spend at least the first months of their lives with their birth mother before being given to unrelated persons to raise.] She indicates that denying a newborn the smells, tastes, movement, and sounds of its birth mother creates a stress response.

There is much more in her paper, and if you are at all interested, I would suggest reading it.