A Sad Truth

I read about this today – We adopted an 8 year old in June. She is not taking it very well. We decorated her room the way she asked. We are sending her to a fabulous school in September. We tell her we love her and we buy her toys. My parents came around with tons of gifts for her and my husband’s dad came to see her as well (his mother passed away).

She refuses to give her granny and grandpa a kiss. She refuses to call us mom and dad. We are trying to be patient but after waiting so long to have a child, we finally got a child but our child does not want us.

She thinks her mom is coming to get her. She was put into the system at the age of 6 due to neglect. Her mother is an alcoholic and her father isn’t around. Her mom forced her to steal alcohol and she got caught. I’m only sharing this because I don’t understand why our daughter does not want a regular mom and dad.

I just walked into her room to collect her laundry and saw her crying. When I asked her what the matter was, she told me that she has her own family who are her “real” family and my husband and I are a “pretend” family.

So, I came up with the idea of teaching her about ancestral magic. Maybe she will be able to feel a connection with her ancestors. That might help her feel that we are also a part of her biological family (watching over her). Do you think this might help ?

blogger’s note – I found this in a book advertisement – LINK>Ancestral Magic by Kirsten Riddle. Empower the here and now with enchanting guidance from your past family history. It is described as “A positive and practical guide to discovering not only your family roots but also your purpose and the magical healing energy available through connecting with your ancestors.”

On to some comments in the group where I saw this –

From a kinship adoptee – my heart breaks for this child. The void & sadness I felt from wanting my mom was almost too much to bear at times. I know what it’s like being that young & longing to be w my real mother.

From another adoptee – this is horrible to read. How do they expect this to go?? It’s a child. A human. Not a product. Ffs. And as a Christian, what if her real family is Christian and they’re going to be shoving this ‘ancestral magic’ nonsense down her throat? Nauseating. And trying to force her to KISS them??? They did that to my daughter who was medical kidnapped as a newborn and tried to force an adoption for 2.5 years and now she has cold sores every month. Sick people. Thank God my adoptive parents never forced me to KISS them, even as a newborn adoption just hugging makes me uncomfortable.

Another writes – Adoptive parents should go through mandatory counselling prior to adopting. This adoptive mother has no idea of the physiological damage she is causing that little girl. Its heart breaking.

Another person asks – so she wants to teach her about deceased ancestors to brainwash her from loving living ancestors ? This is disgusting.

An kinship adoptive parent and the sister of an adoptee suggests – how about some trauma therapy and empathy magic instead?

And a reality check – I understand they love her, but she is not just MAGICALLY your child. She is going through so much trauma being ripped away from her mom. I don’t know why this is a hard concept for this woman to understand.

Is It A Crisis ?

I used to worry about over-population. Five decades ago, Paul Ehrlich’s book The Population Bomb sparked global fears of “mass starvation” on a “dying planet” because of overpopulation.

One doesn’t hear about that very much anymore. I have two son that are early 20s. The older one at 23 is certain he will never have children. The younger one doesn’t talk about it at all. My husband was already 36 when we married, I was 34 and had previously been married and have a daughter by that marriage who was born in 1973. I didn’t foresee having 2 more children at 47 and 50 years of age but I have no regrets that we did this. When I discovered that it would be near impossible for me to conceive naturally at such an advanced age, I lamented that now that my husband was ready, I was too old to honor his desire to be a father. My OB said – “there is a way” – and we took “the way” he suggested and ran with it. We were incredibly lucky throughout the process overall.

So, what kind of crisis is this ? A baby crisis, a population crisis, a fertility crisis, a demographic crisis, an ageing crisis and/or an economic crisis ? There are many possible explanations and each of those kinds of crisis is some part of what some people think is a problematic issue for people globally going into the future. I don’t personally know if this really is “a problem” or not. It simply is the current reality. Thankfully, medical science does have some tools that did not exist in the past for those of us who remarry and those who wake up older one day and fear they missed their only opportunity to become parents.

It is also true that when women are more educated, more liberated, and more able to access contraception, they start having fewer children. An Institute For Health Metrics and Evaluation study noted that low-income places with higher fertility rates – such as sub-Sarahan Africa, which is set to contribute over half the world’s births by 2100 – will need better access to contraceptives and female education. This why, in many less developed countries, the effort is to educate more girls and provide them with birth control access, which also means that they don’t have to marry young and have lots of babies, if that isn’t their interest in reaching maturity.

The truth is that government really can’t do much to change this trajectory (and personally, I don’t know that government needs to). Pro-natal policies, such as free childcare, better parental care leave, financial incentives and employment rights, won’t boost fertility rates up to replacement levels. The 70s dip in having babies was largely thanks to the birth control pill, which also contributed to fewer teen pregnancies. That is generally considered a good thing that leads to fewer babies given up for adoption. Other factors included big social changes around gender equality, with women increasingly educated, working and with access to no-fault divorce. I certainly made use of no-fault divorce back in the mid-70s and was on birth control throughout my child-bearing years. I also started being employed while still in high school.

Jennifer Sciubba, author of 8 Billion and Counting: How Sex, Death and Migration Shape Our World, notes that following the “success sequence” – getting an education, a great job, a home, some savings – means pushing back having children. And once people have more money, they also want to have other things in their lives that kids might detract from – going out for a nice meal, taking a holiday, a full night’s sleep.

Having more than two can seem unimaginably intensive, hard and expensive, she says, but it’s never just the money. What about family and community support ? Religion ? The “little logistics” like needing a new car to fit enough car seats ? blogger’s note – Yeah, this explains a lot about that leaning into Christian Nationalism by conservatives and their Project 2025. Through east Asia, Sciubba says, the idea is spreading that “marriage is no longer required to have a good life. It might actually stifle your life because of gender relations within the household”.

Thanks to this article in The Guardian for many of today’s concepts and details. You can read the full article at this LINK>Birthrates are plummeting worldwide. Can governments turn the tide? by Tory Shepherd

About That Gap

When Child Protective Services (CPS) separates children from their family – a massive trauma is created in these children. Some people will say – “some parents are too harmful for their child to stay with them”. Understandably, those parents end up on the news. Those stories stick with you and legitimize the actions of CPS because these people are some sort of monsters.

Those people don’t realize that there’s a huge gap between “under-resourced parent” and “monster”, when we’re having conversations about family preservation.

Of course, we should always keep kids away from the “monsters” aka truly dangerous caregivers. But we also need to invest resources differently from how we’re currently doing it for all the rest of the cases where the parents need support to be the parents their children need.

The outcomes of foster care are FAR too dismal to justify the continued usage of the program the way it’s being done now. If removing kids from homes was such a positive thing, then a majority of them would be thriving members of the community, instead of having the high rates of harm they experience.

Please realize that those truly dangerous parents are only a fraction of the families who get torn apart by CPS.

One person shares – “My husband put it in perfect perspective for me a few years ago when he first saw a picture of me at about 18 months old (he already kinda knew the story). Flat out said “oh yeah! Blonde hair, blue eyes, mom didn’t have much of anything, dad wasn’t in the picture. You were prime real estate to be taken and sold”. blogger’s note – Exactly, my own mother’s pre-adoption story.

Picture of my mom at 6 months of age before she was adopted. Her mother was exploited by Georgia Tann for exactly the reasons that woman’s husband identified – “Blonde hair, blue eyes, mom didn’t have much of anything, dad wasn’t in the picture.” – though they were married, I will never know why he left her at 4 months pregnant and didn’t return after she gave birth to my mom and returned to Memphis from Virginia (where she was sent after he left her, to give birth out of the view of the family’s local neighbors).

Crazy and Too Old ?

A personal story in The Huffington Post got my attention this morning – LINK>I Never Wanted Children. Then I Got Pregnant With Twins At 53 by Anne Bockman Hansen. The link mentions “advanced maternal age”. I’m totally familiar with that !! I conceived my oldest son at 47 and my youngest son at 50. When we told my dad we were going to try and conceive the older one, he said “I question your sanity.” And I do understand but really we have been fine being older parents. Occasionally, it has been suggested I am my sons “grandmother”. I also have a grown daughter and 2 grandchildren, so I can easily and honestly say, “I understand why you would think that because I AM a grandmother.”

We knew we didn’t want multiples and so, because we had to use assisted reproduction, it was always a possibility. We relied on the experts’ advice on how many embryos to transfer with a good potential for success, without trending into a greater likelihood for twins, and it gave us the single births we preferred. Many of the mothers who cycled along with me at the same time did have twins and even one had triplets – they were all happy with their results and somehow managed the challenges. Glad it was NOT my own challenge. Having a baby and then toddler in one’s life is challenging enough for me !!

Anne Hansen shares – “Still, the thought of having children did not interest me until I was 52 and had taken time away from my job to re-evaluate what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. When I finally knew that I wanted to do it, the realization hit me with incredible force. I felt certain that I wanted to raise kids — and raise them the way I wished I had been raised. I wanted to bring them up with unconditional love, compassion, a love for learning, a sense of adventure and amazement at the miraculous small things in life.” blogger’s note – Sounds like what happened with my husband after we had been married 10 years.

And even before I had learned all of the issues I share in this blog, I also knew that, as the author says – “. . . I wanted to carry them. I never considered surrogacy or adoption.” and that “I was not ovulating,” plus she shares yet another complication – her 58-year-old husband had a vasectomy in his 30s. blogger’s note – in our case, my husband was able to provide his own sperm and I love seeing how some of his traits have turned up in our sons and that he can be a genetic mirror for them.

Yet, when they saw a reproductive endocrinologist, he told them that sperm could still be retrieved from her husband. Like what happened to me when my husband decided he wanted to have children after all (he had been grateful, I had already done that in my own life, no pressure on him), she was told that she could still get pregnant using an egg donor. For me as well, that was a major breakthrough.

And she mentions the “age related” comments, which I have heard as well. She says – “A member of my church said, ‘A lot of people will think you are selfish for bringing children into this world at your age’.” My perspective is – no one knows how long their parents will continue to be alive while they are maturing – I know many examples where parents died young. Though I remember clearly one day, while checking out groceries, realizing that when my youngest turned 20, I would be 70 – oh my. That day arrived this year.

The same as what the author shares, “My pregnancy was a breeze. I felt the best I had ever felt.” I loved being pregnant. And yes from me too – “the babies were precious and I felt so blessed to have them. The love I had for them was beyond measure.” Ours also changed our lives in so many beautiful ways. Our lives became immensely richer. We have never regretted our decision to become parents, even at our “advanced” ages.

Of course, she had the same experiences that I have had. She shares, “Invariably, everywhere we went, people would think I was their grandmother. Sometimes I corrected them and they were embarrassed and surprised, but many times I just let it go. It didn’t bother me and, incredibly, it didn’t bother the kids. It still doesn’t.”

She follows up at the end with this thought – “I’m now 67 years old with a 73-year-old husband. Despite the difficult and amazing journey we’ve been on — and despite my worries that we could be gone before the twins reach adulthood — I would not have done anything differently. Parents at any age can and do get sick and leave their kids parentless, but not many parents have the free time to devote to their children as we have had and do.”

Often They DO Have A Family

The Davis Family with Ugandan Adoptee

I was previously aware of this issue – adoptees from outside of the US actually having a family before the adoptive family. Saw a story today that was on CNN by Jessica Davis titled LINK>The ‘orphan’ I adopted from Uganda already had a family.

Jessica writes – I’ve always hoped to make a difference in this world. To bring goodness, peace or healing to a world that often seems inundated with loss, hardship and a vast array of obstacles that make life difficult for so many. When it came to the decision to adopt, it seemed like a no-brainer. I thought this was one way to make a difference, at least for one child. My husband, Adam, and I would open our home and our hearts to a child in need.

Adam and I thoroughly researched at each step of the process in the hopes of ensuring a proper and ethical adoption. You see, we were already parents to four biological children, so this was not about “having another child” or simply “growing our family.” For us, adopting was about sharing our abundance – our family, love and home with a child who lacked these basic necessities.

She writes – I remember reading that there are almost 3 million orphans in Uganda, and with that statistic in mind (and a bit more research), in October of 2013 we began the journey to adopt from there. We did piles of paperwork, got countless sets of fingerprints and spent tens of thousands of dollars. It took a little over a year to get through all the formalities, but I was driven to get to the best part of this process, meeting the needs of a child.

In 2015, we welcomed a beautiful, strong and brave 6-year-old girl named Namata into our home. It took a little over a year and a half to realize the things “our” child was telling us were not adding up to the stories told within the paperwork and provided to us by our adoption agency, European Adoption Consultants, Inc. In fact, later on, the US State Department debarred the agency for three years, meaning it could no longer place children in homes. The State Department said it found “evidence of a pattern of serious, willful or grossly negligent failure to comply with the standards and of aggravating circumstances indicating that continued accreditation of EAC would not be in the best interests of the children and families concerned.”

When she began listening with openness, instead of being clouded by her own privilege and experiences, she realized what her adopted daughter was so desperately trying to get her to understand. The child we had struggled for years to adopt was not an orphan at all, and almost everything that was written in her paperwork and told to us about her background was not an accurate description of her life in Uganda.

Jessica continues – we eventually uncovered that she had a very loving family from which she had been unlawfully taken, in order (we believe and are convinced) to provide an “orphan” to fulfill our application to adopt. Namata’s mother was told only that Adam and I were going to care for her child, while we provided her with an education, which is a central pathway to empowerment and opportunity in Uganda. She never knowingly relinquished her rights as Namata’s mother, but once there was a verbal confirmation that we would adopt Namata, those on the ground in Uganda forged paperwork and placed Mata in an orphanage.

The truth is that there are villages in Uganda and across the world where mothers, fathers, siblings and grandparents are desperate to be reunited with the children who were unlawfully separated from them through international adoption. It has been heartbreaking for me to realize that so beautiful and pure an act can be tainted with such evil. But as with so many beautiful things in this world, corruption and greed are a reality – one we can’t simply ignore.

Jessica notes – Throughout the journey to reunite Namata with her family, I have been met with so much resistance, saturated in entitlement and privilege. More than once I have been asked, why don’t you just “keep her”? These are words I use when describing something I purchased at the grocery store! I never owned Namata; she is a human being who deserves better than that type of narrow-minded and selfish thinking. I was told that it was my Christian duty to keep her and “raise her in the proper faith.”

Jessica affirms – My race, country of origin, wealth (though small, it’s greater than that of the vast majority of people in the world), my access to “things,” my religion – none of these privileges entitles me to the children of the poor, voiceless and underprivileged. If anything, I believe these privileges should come with a responsibility to do more, to stand up against such injustices. We can’t let other families be ripped apart to grow our own families!

She shares – I have seen the beauty of a family restored and there is nothing quite like it. Adam and Namata took the long journey to her remote village in Uganda together, while I remained at our home with the biological children. We could not afford for both of us to go, and my husband was concerned for my safety after the corruption I had exposed. He was also just as concerned for Namata’s safety and wanted to be at her side until the moment she was home in the protection of her mother’s arms. So I reluctantly said my goodbyes to her here in America. In September of 2016, Namata’s mother embraced her child with joy and laughter abounding and they have not spent a day apart since. Namata has flourished since being home and I am thankful for that.

Her perspective changed, she adds – What if we decided to do everything in our power to make sure those children could live their lives with the families God intended for them in the first place ? I’m not talking about children taken by necessity from abusive or neglectful homes, but those whose loving families were wrongly persuaded to give them up. Families who thought the decision was out of their control because of illness, poverty, lack of access to education, intimidation, coercion or a false idea about what the “American dream” means for their child.

I have also seen a new wave of opened eyes among parents who adopt children – parents who understand the losses their adopted children have suffered, who listen to them, who rise to the huge obligations and high standards that adoption requires. Only through listening and acknowledging hard truths can adoption lead to an ethical and positive outcome. It may mean a lifetime of making sure a child holds on to his or her cultural or racial identity, or keeping alive his or her ties to their birth family, no matter how hard that may be.

Trying To Avoid Negativity

Today’s story from an adoptive parent – our five year old boy was adopted in infancy. We have a great relationship with his biological mom and his siblings (who were adopted out of foster care by a different family). I’m specifically seeking advice on how to talk to him about his dad. Both parents have been involved with the criminal (in)justice system, and suffer from substance use disorder. I am absolutely not of the opinion that those things make them unsafe or unfit for their children to be around them, that’s why we have such a close relationship with his mom. However, we’ve never met dad. His history is filled with lots of violent and erratic behavior, and for context purposes I’ll say it’s been as severe as attempted murder. Mom has had to go into hiding because of his threats and physical abuse.

My biggest conflict here is that I never want to paint his parents in a bad light, especially given my own position as his adoptive parent. I want to talk about his dad in the most honest but respectful way possible, but the reality is that it he may never meet him and I don’t actually have any positive stories to share. His mom doesn’t bring him up much, but I don’t think treating it as if the dad doesn’t exist is the right answer on my part. I would love advice from adoptees and FFY on ways that I can talk about his dad without overstepping my own role and inserting any personal feelings into my language. Basically, how to best navigate being honest and open without being negative.

An adoptee who’s biological father also had substance use issues suggests – I think you just tell the truth without using scary graphic images, staying age-appropriate. And connect with Dad’s extended family as much as possible.

Another person answering from the position of a parent of young kids, suggests – I relate this to the common parenting advice you see today about teaching kids about “tricky people.” In your shoes I would talk about how even people who love us can be tricky people, and elaborate from there in age appropriate ways.

Recommended – Robyn Gobbel

She was recommended today to someone who needed help with a 6 year old who goes into a really dark depression for about two weeks after contact with their genetic parents. An adopted person notes – you can’t stop the feeling after visits (this adult adoptee admits – I STILL feel it after every visit), however you can be taught how to best help her. And then, recommended – someone like LINK>Robyn Gobbel.

Robyn Gobbel has experience as a therapist for almost 20 years, specializing in complex trauma, attachment, and adoption. So, what is it like ? – to find someone – maybe a therapist, maybe someone else – who is willing to get lost with you. And to wait for you. Wait. With certainty.

Robyn is a mental health expert and parenting coach. She reveals how all behavior, no matter how baffling, can be explained and remedied. You just need to look past the behavior and understand what’s going on inside. Robyn decodes the latest brain science into easy-to-understand principles and metaphors which will help you to become an expert in your child’s behavior. She reveals simple ways to help you regulate and connect with your child, with brain, body and sensory-based strategies to overcome day-to-day challenges.

Robyn also provides you with the knowledge to understand and regulate your own brain – so that you don’t flip your lid when your child flips theirs.

Let this be your lifeline for parenting or caring for any child with baffling behaviors and hidden challenges, including kids who have experienced adversity, or with additional needs.

Happy Synchronicity

Sherman Smith and Deland McCullough

Deland McCullough was born Jon Briggs on December 1, 1972 in Pennsylvania and was placed for adoption as a newborn. He was raised by his adoptive mother in Youngstown Ohio (his adoptive parents divorced when he was 2.)

The football field gave young Deland his niche as a running back. His tenacious running style soon began to garner the attention of some college programs. Sherman Smith had traversed a similar path as a quarterback almost two decades earlier. Smith’s coaching career eventually brought him back to Ohio, just as McCullough was making his name known as a promising running back for Campbell Memorial High School in Ohio. Smith introduced himself to McCullough telling him that he was there to recruit him for football at Miami University.

The chemistry was immediate, and over the years, their relationship continued. As McCullough sought to advance in the coaching ranks, he was offered an internship in 2014 with the Seattle Seahawks, thanks to help from Smith. “We always had a good relationship,” Smith said. “I was Coach Smith and that was my guy, Deland. … The fact that he was a running backs coach made it fun.”

After McCullough became a husband and a father of four, his questions about his own beginnings resurfaced. By November 2017, Pennsylvania had changed their laws. Deland was now able to see his mother’s name – Carol Denise Briggs. He searched and found his mother on Facebook and eventually they spoke on the phone. When she told him that his dad was a man named Sherman Smith, Deland McCullough says – “I was very excited. I was stunned. It was pretty surreal. I was blown back.”

His mom said she knew Smith in high school, but when he went away to college, she never told him a son existed. Smith went on to marry and become a father of two, with three grandchildren. Knowing this, McCullough quickly realized that when he shared the news, it would be shocking and life-altering for Smith.

McCullough called Smith and began explaining his years long process of finding his biological parents. Smith was happy for him. “And then he said her name,” Smith remembered. “And when he said her name, my heart dropped because I knew her. … I just felt terrible. I felt bad. I felt bad because I felt irresponsible. At that time when Deland called me, I was 63 years old, and you see things differently at 63 than you do when you’re 16 or 17 years old. I just felt so irresponsible.”

“Even when I was disappointed about my being irresponsible, there was gratitude; I was fortunate I was in his life,” Smith said.

A Mother Never Really Forgets

Today’s story – I am in my 30s. When I was a teen I lost two infants to child protective services (CPS). Despite working their program, they terminated my rights to both. Both were adopted by separate foster families. I have more children now that I raise 100%, and no worries or issues with CPS.

My question is, would it be weird to print off pictures of my first two children and hang them up ? I do not have relationships with either family, per their choice. I speak of them frequently to my younger kids and they know age appropriate explanations about the situation. I have had no contact with my first two kids in over 10 years, however I have found a way to view recent pictures. Would that be weird to “steal” these photos to print off ? I have tough skin so if it is, tell me please.

Not sure that it matters but I am also an adopted child, former foster child.

The responses were generally supportive – I feel like you should do whatever your heart is telling you. When I found my birth mother and later her son, I was happy to know that she had told him about me.

Another shared – My bio mom “stole” photos of me, after she found my socials and before she ready/able to reach out. At first, I was maybe a little weirded out, but ultimately it meant a lot to me that I mean that much to her.

A mother of loss said – They’re still your kids, even though you don’t have legal parental rights; they deserve a place in your home, even if it’s just downloaded pictures from the internet.

An adoptee said – I don’t think it’s weird because you haven’t been allowed to develop a relationship where you could get pictures organically. At least this way, your other kids can see them. And you can see them.

Yet another adoptee said something similar – I don’t think it’s weird. I’d be cautious and don’t share them publicly…..I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. Hopefully they look for you as they get older.

A former foster care youth notes – If the pictures are viewable by you online, they’re accessible anyways. I say go for it! You have a right to love them.

Utah – The Exploitative State ?

I happen to like the state of Utah as a tourist. The concerning stories about Utah may be old or obsolete at this point. It read – Utah’s adoption system is by consensus the most exploitative in the nation — a clearinghouse for fast-track, high-dollar placements. Adoption regulations in Utah may be laxer than other states. A couple of hopeful adoptive parents disagree – we had to pass a state background check, and a Federal FBI background check and we had to pass a child abuse background screening as well. However, the hopeful adoptive mother noted – “It can be a huge way for adoptive families to be scammed, for both moms to be scammed, and it can be scary because there’s not a lot of regulation to it.”

I don’t know but it came up in a group again today. Here’s an old story – In 2019, Utah Attorney General’s office announced 11 felony charges against Paul D Petersen. The AG’s office alleges Petersen ran an illegal adoption scheme where he “recruited, transported, and offered payment to pregnant Marshallese women to give their babies up for adoption” in Utah and in other states.

There are risk factors that unfortunately make Utah a good place for people to take advantage of others. Utah’s laws are very pro-adoption. Unwed fathers have a very difficult time asserting their rights in Utah. In some states, unwed fathers automatically have a right to notice and consent. The speed in which adoption can be ordered, the fact that private agencies can handle adoption and the fact that monies can be paid to the relinquishing parents make Utah suspect. One positive change would be to eliminate payment from the adoptive parents or the adoption agency to relinquishing parents.

Fact is – many generalizations made about adoption are just that – generalizations. They have little applicability to specific situations.

Some red flags for any people looking to adopt –

Any adoption process that pays a woman to place their child for adoption. Utah law states agencies can only help pay for pregnancy-related costs for an expectant parent.
If adoptive families notice that agencies or attorneys are charging them for pregnancy-related costs that are tens of thousands of dollars, ask what that money is going toward and if they have documentation. Check to see if the charges are indeed due to pregnancy-related costs and not ways to encourage birth mothers to place their child for adoption.
If an agency or an attorney is unable to explain costs or their fee schedule, this is reason for concern.
If a birth parent has flown in from another state and uses Utah Medicaid. They are not residents and this should raise concern.
If a birth parent does not have any healthcare benefits or Medicaid to help pay for medical costs. If the adoptive family is having to pay for medical expenses all out of pocket, ask the agency or attorney why this is the case.

Also –

If there is a circumstance where agencies or attorneys are flying birth parents into the state of Utah specifically for adoption, inquire about what their process is and why the parent is not placing in the state they reside in. In some circumstances, individuals elect to use Utah to place for adoption due to some of the laws that are not as strict as laws in the birth parent’s residing state. One example is that Utah law does not require birth fathers to relinquish rights in order to move forward with an adoption plan. Also if a birth mother is advised not to involve the father, this is a red flag.
If an agency or attorney is promising a baby for an adoptive family quickly, it is likely too good to be true.
If the adoption cost goes up suddenly at the hospital, this is a red flag.
If you find that adoption costs are different amounts for different races, this is reason for concern.

If you have reason to suspect unethical adoption practice you can:

Report it to the Office of Licensing
Report this to the attorney’s bar, if it is a private adoption
File a police report
Contact The Division of Child and Family Services