Preventing Pregnancy

If there is no pregnancy, there can be no need for adoption in response to an ill-timed birth. The LINK>Guttmacher Institute Study details the social and economic benefits that accrue when women can determine when to have children, including the impact on preventing teen pregnancy and the correlation with education outcomes. Study after study documents the positives of access to birth control. Women will go back if that access is revoked.

From that study – Historical research has linked state laws granting unmarried women early legal access to the pill (at age 17 or 18, rather than 21), to their attainment of postsecondary education and employment, increased earning power and a narrowing of the gender gap in pay, and later, more enduring marriages.

Contemporary studies indicate that teen pregnancy interferes with young women’s ability to graduate from high school and to enroll in and graduate from college. Conversely, planning, delaying and spacing births appears to help women achieve their education and career goals. Delaying a birth can also reduce the gap in pay that typically exists between working mothers and their childless peers and can reduce women’s chances of needing public assistance.

Unplanned births are tied to increased conflict and decreased satisfaction in relationships and with elevated odds that a relationship will fail. They are also connected with depression, anxiety and lower reported levels of happiness. Contraceptive access and consistent method use may also affect mental health outcomes by allowing couples to plan the number of children in their family.

People are relatively less likely to be prepared for parenthood and develop positive parent/child relationships, if they become parents as teenagers or have an unplanned birth. Close birth spacing and larger family size are also linked with parents’ decreased investment in their children. All of this, in turn, may influence children’s mental and behavioral development and educational achievement.

Because not all women have shared equally in the social and economic benefits of contraception, there is more work to be done in implementing programs and policies that advance contraceptive access and help all women achieve their life goals if and when they decide to become mothers.

LINK>Joyce Vance writes – Senate Republicans blocked a measure that would have created a federal right to contraception access. That seems like it should have been noncontroversial. It’s 2024. But it was not. It failed to pass, with Republicans saying the legislation was both unnecessary and government overreach. I suppose it’s only unnecessary if you don’t care about the right to contraception going the same way as the right to get an abortion.

In his concurrence in the Dobbs v Jackson Women’s Health Organization, in support of the decision to overturn Roe v Wade, US Supreme Court Associate Justice Clarence Thomas directly called into question the right to contraception as a logical outgrowth of the Dobbs decision.

Unexplainable Peace

*Image is not the couple in today’s story*

After a medical procedure, they were very hopeful they would easily get pregnant. Years passed, nothing happened. The doctors labeled it “unexplained infertility”.

Being very religious people, they came to realize that God works wonder in the “unexplained”. After procedures, tests, a miscarriage (a clear and definite “NO” from Life) and many tears, they surrendered.

Through letting go of what they had in their own mind, they reached an “unexplainable” peace about moving forward with adoption.

Then comes the kicker – unfortunately, there is no hiding the fact that adoption is extremely expensive. Of course, they have chosen a Christian adoption agency. Even so, the total cost is $35,000-$40,000.

So, God told them to start a GoFundMe to acquire the $35,000 they needed to adopt a newborn infant ? Skeptics question that it was God telling them to do that.

Trans and Adopted

I will admit that I don’t have a solution other than the “acceptance” in my image as I have not had to respond to an issue of this kind so far in my lifetime. I do know someone who did a great job of handling this with grace that I deeply admire. Today’s story from an adoptive mother (not my own story) –

What do you do when a kid’s mom is transphobic, and that kid wants a relationship with their mom more than anything? Mom refuses to talk on the phone but will usually respond to Facebook messages, which aren’t frequent at child’s choice. Child wants more contact but also knows mom doesn’t accept her and it’s a constant balancing act I think.

Mom’s Facebook got hacked and I had to locate her new one. She had unfriended me (but would still message) – so, I felt conflicted about finding her because I wasn’t sure she wanted to be found. Child wanted to send her a Mother’s Day message. It was the first time we had reached out since she got a new Facebook.

Mom responded (it’s been at least a year since the last contact) and says thank you and she loves and misses her but she will never accept her as a girl and she will always be her son.

I’m ashamed to admit I went off. I could not believe this was what she had to say after so long without contact and I know daughter is going to be gutted. She’s been asking all day, if her mom responded and I can’t face her right now. I apologized to her mom and said I don’t want to fight, that we envisioned a life of lots of visits and summers spent with her and daughter is so upset mom refuses to talk to her and is going to be completely devastated when I read her the message.

The bottom line is that mom should never have lost her daughter, and when I found mom and heard her story (post adoption, agency said they couldn’t locate mom and I read something about names being spelled wrong on birth certificates which allowed me to finally find mom) I was all for working towards reunification. But that’s never even be on the table because of the transphobia.

I find myself continually wanting to convince mom she’s being ridiculous (transphobia is so far from our reality in our progressive bubble that I literally cannot wrap my head around it, we didn’t even blink when daughter came out), but I also know she’s a victim of this situation.

Questions – How do I tell daughter her mom’s response? (She has an adoption competent therapist who is also LGTBQ+ competent). How do I help daughter balance this? I want to support her relationship with mom and I’m also so angry at mom for letting this come between her and the child that was taken from her.

An adoptee responds – I have to question whether information is missing here.

“I’m ashamed to admit I went off.” — what does this mean? It is a balancing act when you are dealing with prejudiced people but actions that cause tension between the child and its natural parent(s) do not happen in a vacuum. When the original poster doesn’t voluntarily own up to how they went off in the post, I also have to question other details. Why did the birth mother unfriend the adoptive mother on Facebook? What is this adopter saying about the child’s first mother ?

“[She] is going to be completely devastated when I read her the message.” The adoptee asks – Is the adoptive mother going to read the message(s) she sent berating the original mother ? Let’s be honest, I doubt it. Also, why even read the message in the first place ? The message is a response to a conflict with the adoptive mother, not a rejection letter addressed to the adopted person.

It is unfair to the child that their original is prejudiced against trans people. It is just as, if not more, unfair to the child that the adoptive mother seems to be self-victimizing, rather than self reflecting. “Poor me, I got unfriended on Facebook ! I don’t know how I’m going to tell this child how awful her birth mother is ! I envisioned a life of lots of visits !”

This kid’s transition seems to have came as a surprise to her first mother. The fact that she is upset about a gender transition taking place COULD be coming from a a place of prejudice. (It probably is, at least to some extent.) It also COULD be coming from a place of being blindsided. One day her kid is gone, the next day her kid is a different person. The adopters “don’t even blink” when this transition happens, probably because in some ways they see it coming. Now her kid is gone and on top of that appears to be a completely different person. Why should she be expected to adjust to such a massive change so quickly? In her eyes, she lost a little boy and will never get him back now — even if she comes to accept the child’s gender identity. Maybe this kid is the first trans person her first mother has ever known and it just takes time for her to accept the child’s identity.

I am not saying any of this to rationalize or justify transphobia. I am saying that the adoptive mother needs to look at this situation contextually. To understand the first mother is a human, living in different circumstances and engaging in different social circles. To get someone to see the “progressive” side of an issue, the answer is not to berate them for not understanding things the way you do. Maybe you have been exposed to different people and ideas that her first mother hasn’t been exposed to as quickly, if at all. Maybe her first mother would’ve been more accepting of her child’s transition had the child been with her all along. Maybe not. In either case, this adoptive mother should be probably be in therapy herself, if she are not already. There is much more to this issue, I believe, than they’re willing to admit to themselves. At the very least, this is not strictly a transphobia issue.

I think it is an awful idea for this adopted person and her original mother to continue communicating through an intermediary. This has clearly rubbed her mother the wrong way, fair or unfair. Her original mother probably would not be communicating the way she’s presently communicating (even if the transphobia remains) when communicating directly with the adopted person. A hostile message sent to an intermediary in the midst of conflict is not a letter of rejection addressed to the adopted person. This adopted person deserves the ability to speak directly with her original mother and get it straight from her. Even if she receives a direct, bigoted rejection, that would bring resolution in the long run, even if it caused more short-term pain. When you get a “rejection” through intermediaries (and I put this in quotes because again, the original mother’s message was sent to the adoptive mother, not the child), there are always questions of whether the rejector would say these things to your face. Whether details are embellished to villainize or paint people in a better light. Clarity is only achieved through direct communication.

Show Hope

Their website seems to be orphan focused. One adoptee was not amused posting – “Yes, raise money not to support a mother but to take her child !” I went looking.

Here is what the LINK>Show Hope website suggests – The care of orphans is a global issue crossing all divides – borders, racial and economic. The cost of adoption can range between $25,000 and $50,000. That is outside the financial reach of most families. Many children who have been orphaned live with mild to acute healthcare needs, requiring access to medical and therapeutic intervention. Many who have the ability to make a difference in the lives of waiting children do not take action because they are unaware of the need or feel helpless to do anything. The photos show white mothers and a diversity of races as to spouse and children.

The organization suggests they are active in 5 areas of outreach – Adoption Aid, Medical Care Grants, Pre+Post Adoption Support, Student Initiatives and Care Center Legacy. How it started – with an 11-year-old girl in Haiti living without the love and security of a family. The parents, Mary Beth and Steven Curtis Chapman, then adopted three times. In February 2003, they formed a 501(c)3 nonprofit with a focus on religiously reducing obstacles to adoption. They even have a “Join Us in Prayer“<LINK at their website.

The couple has experienced loss. Maria Sue Chapman was the youngest daughter (their sixth child). She was adopted from China in 2004. On May 21, 2008, as the result of an accident in their home, Maria Sue passed away. Donations in her memory launched Maria’s Big House of Hope their flagship Care Center in Central China providing care for children with acute medical and special needs.

I don’t know if the adoptee’s criticism was valid or not. I don’t know that this organization is taking children from parents rather than supporting the biological parents in their time of need. I do know there have been a lot of questions about international adoption and the impact of being adopted by a family from a different culture on the child. This is referred to as transracial adoption. Any fund raising with the goal of facilitating adoption has also come under increased scrutiny. I checked with LINK>Charity Navigator who says – Show Hope’s score is 99% based on Accountability and Finance, earning it a Four-Star rating. They advise – “If this organization aligns with your passions and values, you can give with confidence.”

A Grandparent’s Lament

A woman writes that she is heartbroken because her twin grandbabies were recently adopted. I was surprised by how many other grandparents chimed in with similar sadness. They were only 3 days old and she didn’t know if they were still in the hospital. She said I’m so clueless – how could this be done ? Does it get finalized in court ? Does mom have to appear to finalize the adoption ? She has researched it and found the mom has to go to court within 72 hours and appear before the judge to confirm signing off her rights as they are in Tennessee. She notes that her son and the mother are both here at her house hiding in their room. She admits that she hasn’t spoken to them in almost 2 weeks, but also told them they had to find somewhere else to live. She feels that she will never want to speak to my son again and yet that saddens her.

Someone shares her own experience of how these things sometimes proceed – in her case, both were both discharged at the same time, according to the hospital’s typical protocols (48 hours after vaginal birth, 72 after c-section). She notes that the relinquishing parents may have a choice in whether the baby goes straight to the adopters or whether the baby goes to a foster home until the revocation period is over. She had that choice but every state has different laws. In her case, her son actually left the hospital with her (and the social worker was following them in her car). They went to a nearby chapel, where she had a ceremony with the adopters and handed him over to them. This happened 48 hours after birth and she had 7 days to change her mind, after the day she signed the paperwork (which happened 24 hours after birth). She says, “I think you are trying to make sense of what is happening, so I’m sharing my story to try to give you some mental pictures. But the truth is, with every state having different laws and with adoption being such a BUSINESS, the situation with your grand babies might be completely different than what I’ve described.”

Someone notes – Family should always be first. The grandmother admits there are times when children need to be adopted because they are in bad situations but our family is good, and we offered to help but were turned down. And then goes on to share – My son and girlfriend thought they would have a better chance with a family that could love and care for them. Someone that couldn’t have kids and wanted to adopt. Me and my husband told them we would help them care for them, but they wanted to do it! They have other children, I guess they didn’t want to start over again! I wanted them and now I’m so hurt, I didn’t have a granddaughter, now she’s gone.

Someone else shares – I think adoptees need to shout about their experiences. Everyone thinks adoption is the perfect solution but even the adopters are human beings, so they have problems: divorce, addiction, anger, depression, family secrets… it’s just that they don’t share them with social services when they are getting assessed. So everyone thinks they’re perfect and I know they aren’t. In the UK, social workers don’t want to get blamed for missing signs of abuse within the birth family, so they would rather just take babies – just in case. But then, that would mean they need to take everyone’s babies, just in case the woman is with a total idiot who in the future might be abusive. That’s why the system in the UK is overwhelmed and they are crying out for more and more foster carers because they have too many children in the system. I’ve been to 3 court cases now, I got custody of the first child (my granddaughter), the second child was a twin and was a boy (my first grandson) and he was adopted. Then the third and fourth children were both boys and they remain with my daughter with no involvement from the state. I don’t understand why they wanted my first grandson. Nobody was told the day of the adoption hearing. It was kept secret, so nobody could go in and try and revoke it. In the UK, it is impossible to get your babies back when they have been granted adoption, as they take the birth mother’s rights away, in court, immediately.

A grandparent shares – My twin grandbabies are in the system too. I have their older brother. The middle boy got adopted. So unfair. Another asks – Why on earth are all these babies being traumatised??? You would have to get my grandkids adopted over my dead body. Don’t you people realize adoption destroys babies well-being? Traumatizes them??

Someone notes – It is beyond me at this point to understand that people are still willing to destroy families and adopt a child like this. The social narrative about adoption MUST change. These parents were severely misinformed and will regret this the rest of their lives. Another says – Grandparents are left out of the equation. Another noted – Adoption affects the whole family. Yet another says, It happened to me. My 3 grandbabies were adopted. I have not hugged them for 9 years now. And this one is angry – My granddaughters were adopted out too. I hate Child Protective Services. They care more about money than the kids. The adoption agencies are evil too. It’s legalized human trafficking.

A Blessing and/or Trauma

This comment, had me looking for an image – Saw a post where a lady has an unplanned pregnancy 2 months into dating. One comment said “adoption is an option”. This woman said – Yeah and a boatload of trauma in the child’s life.

When I found this image, I followed the LINK>Blessing Invalidates Trauma. She writes – When your biggest blessing invalidates my greatest trauma it sets me up for a lifetime of pain, suffering and isolation. It facilitates a lifetime of suicidal ideation, because the pain is just too great to process. It makes me feel more isolated and alone than non-adopted individuals can ever imagine. It makes me wish I was aborted and feeling like I want to die for most of my life, because my pain is greater than my desire to want to live. It drives me to attempt to take my life as a teenager, because you fail to admit I have lost anything. It drives me to a place of addiction, because at the end of every day the only way to manage every day life is to numb the pain. When you use bible scriptures to defend your blessing, it makes me question the bible and the God you are speaking of. When your biggest blessing outshines my reality, it makes me feel unimportant and insignificant. When you refer to me as a blessing, it hurts because you are invalidating my adoptee and relinquishee reality.

She goes on to share a common adoptive parent response to a child’s question – Mommy, did I come out of your tummy? That adoptive mother’s answer goes like this – She loved you so much she gave you to me to raise, and I will always love her and be thankful for her decision.

She goes on to say – I was approximately five years old when this conversation took place, and it’s clear to me that my life was never the same. Every day, I was haunted every hour and every minute wondering, wishing, and dreaming about finding HER.

She also notes – No matter what questions I had or what mental torment I experienced from this moment forward, my adoptive mom’s joy and happiness trumped everything. My feelings didn’t matter when I was her biggest blessing in life, and her joy of being a mother trumped my feelings of sadness every damn day.

She suggests – Today is a new day and a new year. It’s 2020, and when you know better, you do better. More importantly – READ her entire essay !!

It’s Not Only The Moms

What is like, when you know you have an older sibling “out there” but because they were adopted out, you don’t know anything about their life. When I found my cousin, daughter of my mom’s half-sister on her father’s side, just after that sister had only passed away a few months before, my cousin told me that her mom always hoped my mom would show up, so that they could meet and talk.

From another woman who’s older sister was adopted out –

I don’t get to ask how you slept last night.

I can’t ask you where you’ve been or what you’ve been up too.

I can’t tell you how much I love you or how badly I need you.

I don’t get to make a big post with a picture of the two of us, celebrating your birthday.

I don’t know if you have kids, my niece, or my nephew.

I don’t even know your name.

But I know that some where out there, you exist, and you are my sister. Regardless of anything..

I will never stop looking for you…. I will die looking for my sister..

This day is very hard for my whole family.. we love you sister, and I won’t stop until I find you… Happy Birthday. I hope the ones around you show you how special you are. I hope you go to sleep smiling in the comfort that you are so loved. I hope you wake up smiling because life has treated you to another beautiful day. I hope you know there’s some one out there in this world who loves you more than you will ever know.. I pray for the day I meet you, sister.. we will find each other one day, Lord please.

The Regret Never Ends

Sharing the feelings of one birth mother today –

I dropped my son I parent off at school yesterday, and switched to my playlist for the drive home, on shuffle, as per usual, cause I like to not know what’s coming on next, and My Little Love by Adele came on as I pulled into my driveway. This song typically makes me cry, so not unusual that I started to, especially with this weekend upon us and how many feelings come with Mother’s Day, as a 2x mother of relinquishment, who has had two miscarriage and is now a parent to one, and with the fact that “Birth Mother’s Day” is giving me full ick this year, the cry turned into a bawl.

And I found myself yelling in my car that she didn’t deserve what I gave her.

I’m so…I don’t even know, sad mad? Angry and heartbroken? Over twenty years ago I gave her two pieces of myself and they celebrate her this weekend, typically relegating me to today, the day before, and I’ve come to realize, she didn’t deserve any of it, she didn’t deserve to raise my babes, and it makes my whole body hurt and my heart ache to have not realized these things until my kids were adults and I can’t do a damn thing about it.

This is the first Mother’s Day weekend since I cut their adoptive mom out of my life last year and I feel like I’m in mourning extra this year, as now that I’ve experienced life without her the last seven months, I’m realizing I gave way more than she ever did, she got way more out of our “relationship” than I did, and, in the end, she still made me feel like I owed her more, and that’s who my kids celebrate as their mom, in my place, and I hate it so much. Can we just skip this weekend all together?

It Often Happens

Shawn and Melissa

Many Tuesdays, I am short on time and that is true today. Also, something that often happens is that a parent admits that in their younger days, a child was given up for adoption. So today, I offer you a LINK>the day I met my long-lost brother to a happy reunion story that I read in The Guardian.

Melissa begins by sharing – she was 18 when her father revealed he had given up a son for adoption. He and his ex-partner had a baby in Canada and the child had been adopted.

It is always easy to smile at the thought that we don’t have to wait until we are in heaven to meet a sibling we lost and never got the chance to know when we were children. Second chances for genetic family relationships happen all the time.

Things You Wish You Had Asked

It often happens to many of us after our parents have passed away – I know I have experienced that. We just don’t always know what to ask, when it was possible to receive the answer that we wish we could have known before they are gone.

Now, some adoptive parents are trying to get those kinds of answers for their adoptive children, while there is still some contact with the biological parents.

One adoptive parent noted – My adopted daughter ALWAYS wants to know about her birth family and I really want her to know those details as well. I think it’s important for her identity to know about even the most mundane details, it gives her ways to relate.

One adoptive parent says – My adopted daughter has never said “I wish my mom knew x about me” but consistently asks about her mom’s story and wonders about her. She will want to know your favorite ice cream, color, song… in addition to personality traits and examples of your strengths and flaws. She will want to see herself in you. A hard part of adoption is having unanswered questions. I feel compassion for every adopted child who has to wonder about this ! I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to thirst for more and not have it.

One adoptee notes – the overwhelming emotions in reaction to what many of us always wished we’d known. As the reply above said “someday” she will want to know everything. You may not know or mark any notice of that day but it will come, even if it is just a whisper in her heart of hearts that she never expresses aloud. I, at 48 yo, 29 yrs reunion with bio father and 12 yrs reunion with bio mother still thirstily read/listen to every fact about them both, when they share. Though I admit I rarely openly express to them how deeply I love those moments of revelation of who they are and what made them into the person they are.

The adoptive parent who started this discussion realizes – it is so heartbreaking. I’ve been told many times that what I, as an adoptive parent try to do, is everything adoptees want and unfortunately many adoptive parents turn them down or only save some of the things birth parents share, it’s so sad. The birth parent needs to talk about life, likes, dislikes, hobbies, whatever it is that they do in their daily life .. all we can share, even if it seems mundane.

blogger’s note – I know when I finally connected with one of my adoptee mom’s biological girl cousins – it was the little stuff she shared with me that meant so much. Her “Aunt Lou” was my biological maternal grandmother. She tells me that my grandmother “loved to tease and laugh. I think she thought of herself as bit of a black sheep but she wasn’t. She was very generous with her love to us. She sold Avon and we always got some perfume in pretty bottles. I have really fond memories of her and my uncle. She had a collection of salt and pepper shakers in all kinds of shapes and she would let me play with them. And she always had butterscotch candies because she knew I like them.” None of it earth shattering but all of it precious to me as the granddaughter who never had a chance to know her.