Why Didn’t She Keep Me

The truth is – issues of how the previous or subsequent child/ren feel about the adoption of their relinquished sibling are almost NEVER addressed when a unexpectant mother is being counseled about relinquishing her baby. It happens. Lives change over time. That is why in activist groups opposing adoption – mothers contemplating surrendering their baby to adoption are often counseled not to chose a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem.

When a previously relinquished child goes into a reunion with their biological mother and discovers that she has subsequently had other children who she has kept and raised, this understandably raises issues in the adoptee’s mind.

Today, I read something from an adoptive mother about having been “found” by the biological mother of her adopted son. This mother has two other children she is parenting who are said to be too young to understand the dynamics and so is the adopted son. She is about him in the future and what he will think like “why didn’t she keep me?”

An adoptee answers – I think that “why didn’t she keep me” is the core question of all adoptees, even the ones that have not re-met their birth mother. The best you can do is be prepared for these feelings and questions. You’re already aware, so that’s a great step! You may need to invite him to speak about it by casual age appropriate conversations with him. Even if he doesn’t ask questions, he needs to know that it’s safe to. Support and understand as best as you can. I appreciate that you have his best interest in mind.

Another adoptee adds – I am certain the one thing all adoptees have in common is the question, “Why didn’t she keep me.” It’s “natural” for moms to keep their babies – so for us, it’s just one big question. Even when we are told the “why.”

A transracial adoptee confirms – ‘Why didn’t she keep me?’ is on adoptees’ minds throughout our lives.

One adult adopted as an infant says – we always ask hard questions – like why didn’t she keep me ? I had a completely closed adoption and I still ask this all the time.

blogger’s note – this is often in my own mind too. Though life is full of situations and circumstances that can throw any life expectations out of reach, it is understandable that any child that is surrendered will always wonder. Even when they know the honest answer.

Terminology Issues

Read today that at least one state is reconsidering how to refer to participants in the foster care system. One idea under consideration was to change “foster parent” to “resource parent/carer”.

Overall, the consensus was to no longer use “parent”, “mother” or “father” in foster care situations. This story by one adoptee was illustrative – I spent just two nights in foster care. I was very small but I remember the social worker calling the woman my foster mother. It just added to the terror of the situation. She was not and would never be my mother, or even act in a motherly role. For me, she was an emergency caretaker. A resource person/carer seems appropriate to me. Even foster caregiver is better.

A former foster caregiver notes – It’s none of my business, to decide whether their mom is “better” or “safe”. I’m taking care of the kid, until they go back to family. I don’t really consider that being a “parent”.

One woman, formerly in foster care as a youth, notes – This feels ick to me. It’s dehumanizing and impersonal. I’m really getting tired of people inventing more and more terms that claim to be inclusive and/or whatever and just end up being dehumanizing. What the hell is a resource giver? It doesn’t sound like a person and sure as hell doesn’t sound remotely healthy. We are people, all of us. We all need to be treated as human beings. And using dehumanizing terms is not only not ok but is abusive. ALL abuse starts with this type of language. Not ok. She was asked – “how you feel about temporary guardian?” but has not answered.

Another adoptee wrote – I think the best term would be something without the word parent altogether. I’m not sure what would be wrong with referring to someone as a carer or a resource person. Adding parent, mom and/or dad seems to feed the many hungry adoptive parents in the idea that it is somehow their child. Someone posted about seeing someone talking about the loss of their baby but then, realized they didn’t lose their baby, they lost a foster child who was reunified with family as it should be. I don’t feel like anyone needs more reasons to see themselves as a parent, when they’re not, nor do I think this view should be taken as a slam against anyone. It’s factual, they are a carer, they are a resource person, they are NOT the child’s parent.

One offered this age appropriate explanation from lived experience – When the girls came to live with me, we tried really hard to find age appropriate ways to explain what was going on when they asked questions; cognitively they were at pre-k level but were in grade school; they were familiar with having guest teachers, while their teachers were out sick – so we explained that like when teachers are sick and they get a guest teacher, their teacher always comes back. We were guest parents until mommy and daddy are better and safe to go back home to. That like parents, we will take care of them and do everything parents are supposed to do with them, until mommy and daddy are able to do those things again, but that it wasn’t permanent and that we weren’t their actual parents now. That made sense to them and made it easier for them to understand what our role was in their lives.

Another who spent time in foster care writes – The foster carers (FCs), not my parents then but the people I lived with and who were responsible for my day-to-day “care”, were my legal guardians. I called them by their given names & called my mother Mommy.

Another foster caregiver writes – I always liked the differentiation of being a “community resource” foster home vs kinship foster. It highlights the perspective that I was meant to be a (temporary) resource for the community, which obviously includes my foster children’s parents! Foster carer or foster caregiver makes sense to me as a gender neutral, nonparental title for this role.

Unexpectedly Complicated

I can’t even imagine . . . a sister dies leaving one’s self a 1 yr old to care for. Further complicating the situation, no one knows who this child’s father is. She notes – “my family doesn’t have a filter and I know they will talk crap about my sister and I don’t want her to hear that.”

She adds, “My Mom keeps telling her I’m her new Mama and I keep correcting her to not say that to her, if she wants to call me Mom one day she can but that should be her natural choice.” blogger’s note – why not just Auntie, since that is what she is. However, she goes on to note – “she already calls my husband Dada but I think that is because she never had one to call Dada.”

She adds a basis for her worries – “I honestly only want her to know all the good about my sister and not the bad things, am I wrong for that? I don’t want her to worry that she will be like her one day, I struggled with that as a young adult, worrying I would be like my Mom, and I just don’t want that for her.”

A social worker who is also an adoptive parent answers – My daughter’s birth mother did not know the identity of the father. It really hit home for her in kindergarten when her class was making Father’s Day gifts and she asked me where her daddy was from, when she was born. I had to be honest with her and tell her I just didn’t know. Since that time I have registered her with 23andMe and Ancestry, but no close relatives have been found yet. You sound like a very caring person and who will work hard to provide a loving and safe environment for your niece.

One woman adopted as infant (but not through kinship) said, “I want to address some points/ language, as it is important.”

1. Babies remember their mothers. Implicit memory does this. Babies also grieve the loss of their mothers. This is lifelong.

2. Normalize allowing her to grieve and explore this out loud. Speak openly and frequently about her mom. Good memories, funny stories, similarities.

3. Come up with another name she can call you, like a derivative of your name that is easy for a baby to say. Note – She already has a Mom, and that is not you.

4. Please also normalize that your husband is not her biological father. Weave it into her life story.

5. If you don’t know who her biological father is, then be honest. Don’t ever lie, even by omission.

6. Challenge your own black and white thinking in terms of good/bad. Was your sister struggling with mental health / substance abuse, etc? These are reasons to be compassionate, and there are age appropriate ways to address this.

You cannot erase her loss, or her truth. You can be the safe place for her to explore and question it, without fear of offending the adults.

Why ?

*** TRIGGER WARNING

I know these things happen but still my brain cannot wrap itself around the idea that an adopted girl as young as 3 has been sexually molested – her behaviors graphically illustrate that it is the reality. My heart hurts just trying to think about it.

One recommendation is related to Sex Ed Rescue – finding a better way to talk to your child about sex. Cath Hakanson is the person behind Sex Ed Rescue. She is an Australian and a qualified sexual health nurse, author and speaker. She believes that kids need help to thrive in this sexualized world. Sex Ed Rescue can help parents with … giving age-appropriate answers to tricky questions about sex, starting conversations that feel natural and guided by your personal values as well as becoming an ask-able parent.

There was a warning about virtual therapy places (specifically mentioned Better Help). They don’t all vet their “therapists”. There are horror stories out there of people being paired with people who outright say they aren’t licensed. I’ve seen people say they were matched with open white supremacists, counselors who were just telling them to leave their spouses over trivial arguments, and even therapists who were doing sessions while buying groceries – meaning that anybody in the store could hear your personal issues–a major HIPAA violation. The person went on to say – if you can find a legitimate virtual therapist it’s fine, but it would probably be difficult to find one willing to work with sexual assault victims virtually. She shares that when she was in foster care, she had to see a therapist and one of the topics that came up was child sexual abuse. One of the ways they questioned her was through games to make it more appropriate to what a child could understand. If a kid is old enough to just talk things out, virtual therapy would be great, but it would be increasingly difficult to be effective the younger the child is.

Tiffany Hamilton aka Never Alone Support was recommended. She is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my step-father. She says that her goal is to provide this type of support to any victim who is seeking it. She says, “I want to help them where they are with whatever they need. This is my passion and my hope is that I can make a positive difference in the lives of sexual abuse victims and help to save them from a life of addiction, self-harm, and suicide. She has a podcast on Apple.

Most important – from an adoptive parent of children who have been sexually abused – I know that for a single parent, keeping her world and physical contacts limited is not easy but in my experience it is absolutely necessary. 4 years in for us and we’ve had a lot of progress with consistent therapy and boundaries.

I would be extremely cautions of any child or adult you leave her alone with, until you have some significant progress in these behaviors and she understands that it is not okay for others to touch her private area other than diaper changes. And also that she cannot touch others. I would also limit how many people can change her diapers. Children that have been sexually abused and have sexual behaviors are more likely to be abused again, and it’s more likely that someone close and trusted would abuse her. If she goes to daycare/school they need to have a designated person to change her, not just who ever is available. She needs to have healthy boundaries with others and a limited number of people who can have contact with her genital area for her care and hygiene.

Do not shame her for masturbating, it’s not something she has control over, but you want her to be safe – so be sure to keep her in the clothing that prevents her from inserting anything. But touching herself is an appropriate response with a child who has been sexually assaulted. Gentle redirection without shame is what you need. So don’t say “you can’t touch,” say “oh look at this toy! It is okay to redirect her to an appropriate activity that occupies her hands – “Let’s wash your hands and play with playdoh!” Gentle redirection, if she tries to have anyone else touch her. “It’s not appropriate for so and so to touch you there.” This is why it’s important to limit who can change/bathe her. She needs to know that only those people who are safe can touch her when they bathe/change her.

This is an extremely urgent need. Contact her pediatrician, see if they can expedite referrals. Also, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Keeping logs may help you find patterns in her behavior that can identify possible triggers, and could also identify abusers. For instance if she spends time with a family member and is sexually acting out every time following a visit that is a red flag. Contact your local children’s advocacy center and see if they can do a forensic interview. A forensic interview could identify the abuser and knowing the nature of the abuse could be helpful.

Honesty

An adoptive mother writes – One fear is of facing the reality that she isn’t really my daughter. Getting that amended birth certificate was so bizarre. It’s a lie. I know it’s a lie, because she didn’t come from my body and that’s what that paper says. I am her mom, in the sense that mom is a title but she has a real mom that she misses. I am her mom in the sense that I will raise and protect her. It’s a strange thing to be both her mom and not her mom. I had the fear of losing her when I reached out to her aunt. I’m working through that and we are committed to being honest and doing what is best for “our girl” but there’s still anxiety about her mom. There are safety issues but I recognize the harm not seeing her does to my daughter.

When asked, when has she seen or spoke to her mother ? The adoptive mother replied – Once a year before adoption and a year before that the mother only made sporadic visits. I don’t want to share a lot of her personal information out of respect for her. I will say that I have always told the truth to her, age appropriately at each stage of her growing (the child is now 7 years old), and she has always wanted her mother. I have always been committed to making that happen, but wanted to wait until she was 18. I’ve since learned that’s not the best and I am working to connect her with her family. An adoptee advises “let her see her natural mother as the reality and not the romanticized version she will create otherwise.”

So this important perspective – this may be a hard pill to swallow, that her relationship with her actual family is more important than her relationship with you. She needs that bond and connection. Please remember that you have added to her trauma by erasing part of her identity by changing her birth certificate. You have also muddied the waters for future generations who want to know their biological heritage, which isn’t you. Its important for you to know that the most painful thing her mother will ever feel is to hear her call you mom. I can tell you from experience.

These are all things you have to own, and let go of fragility. You are in a position of power. It’s scary for the child and her family, because there is this fragile adopter that controls if they ever see each other again. Keep that in mind. Think of how you would feel if someone had control of if you could see the person you loved the most again. How would you respond to them ? Would it be a healthy relationship ? Would you just do whatever it took to keep them happy ?