One of the scariest things for an adoptee is to attempt a reunion with their birth parents after they reach adulthood because there is this sticky situation of how the adoptive parents will react to this situation. The image above comes from a blog titled – LINK>Reunion rocks. Reunion sucks. The author notes – *Adoptive parents who are not supportive of an adoptee’s right to search, you are a whole other blog. Sit tight. It was that issue that started my blog this morning.

In my all things adoption group, a young woman shared – “I’m wanting to connect with fellow adoptees and get some insight from anyone that has gone through this. I am wanting to finally pursue a relationship with my birth mother and my adoptive family is upset. I‘m just at a loss right now. I wished my birth mother a happy birthday yesterday and they are blowing it out of proportion. I feel sick.”

The jealousy was apparent. The adoptive parents stress – You had a pretty good life even though you don’t think you did. The adoptee counters in defense to an accusation – I never said she was the best mom ever (referring to her birth mom) and I don’t refer to her as my mom. She then asserts – I deserve to have a relationship with her in whatever capacity I wish and I won’t feel guilty about it and you don’t need to feel threatened. Then the honesty – I never said I had a bad life but there are so many things about adoption that are simply not okay.

What it comes down to is the adoptive parents’ feelings. The reality is that because of the adoptive parents’ feelings, any relationship that the adoptee develops with her birth mother will unavoidably alter in some way the relationship with her adoptive parents. (blogger’s note – I understand this, although I am not an adoptee – both of my parents were. Their adoptive parents were the only grandparents I knew growing up and for MOST of my adult life. As I began to learn about my original grandparents, after my parents and my adoptive grandparents had died, it did affect for a period of time how I felt about the adoptive ones. I needed time to sort out my feelings. This is entirely normal when dealing with such complex family relationships.)

I found this advice realistic – They will adjust. They need to process their new normal. Don’t take it personally because you did nothing wrong. Every family situation is different and the people involved. Respect and empathize with their response but don’t let it get in the way of your connecting. And connect with other adult adoptees who will always understand. I know it’s not easy…I know that as an adoptee. But I’m not allowing my adoptive family to make me feel bad anymore. It’s a natural thing to want that connection with one’s birth relatives. It’s natural for the adoptive family to feel insecure or fear the unknown. Just humans doing the best they know how. Some would describe this as white washing…I just think it’s looking at it from different angles and still respecting your own individual wishes. You’ve got this!