Family Matters

A question today for adoptive parents – do you set aside your own desires to meet the needs of your adopted child ? After adoption is finalized, too often promises made are not kept. Examples – [1] a first mother with an open adoption promise. The adoptive parents moved to another continent (Europe, mom is in U.S.) when child was about four. They promised at least annual visits but regularly find excuses to cancel. [2] an adoptive dad, even though he sees how desperate his son is for his siblings, he simply never prioritizes visits to maternal grandma and sisters. He chooses to believe it isn’t *that* important to him (son) – simply because it isn’t that important to him (dad).

An adoptive parent answers – I can’t speak to this because my daughter has zero birth family connections but in general I’ve done what is necessary to put my daughter’s need for connection outside of me ahead of my own needs. The closest adult to her moved very suddenly across the state and we followed without hesitation because the loss would have ruined her. I fly her to see the people who mean the most to her all the time. These days that often means she’s in my home state but I don’t get to see her and I’m careful to never say anything that could be construed as guilting or pressuring. And I’m sending her for a month this summer to the other side of the country to study under a mentor who is definitely the most influential female to ever be in her life because she’s seeking out that connection. We’ve put all of our financial resources into supporting these needs because I feel like she is owed ways to continue connecting with mirrors and people who aren’t just us. If she had genetic connections, I would break the bank to make that happen. I do not understand how AT VERY LEAST adoptive parents can’t stop and wonder how their selfish need for approval will play out in the long term. There are tons of days I miss my kid so much I can barely function but it isn’t her job to make me feel better or fill my voids. It’s my one and only job to make sure she has the opportunities and resources to become her best and most whole self.

From a foster parent – I never travel to see my own biological family because I am not in contact with them at all. With that being said, if a child in my care (adopted, permanent guardianship etc) wanted to travel to see their biological family… how could I deny that ? True, I’ve never traveled to see my own biological family. It’s not something we think about at all, so I appreciate this post for bringing it up in this context. I now will make a point to consider this perspective and allow any non-biological kids to travel to see their biological family… just because I don’t do it with my own biological family doesn’t mean a non-biological child in my care can’t see their own biological family.

A mother who lost her child to adoption notes – I feel this so much. I felt like I was never part of the adoptive parent’s family, even with an “open” adoption and the adoptive parent’s extended family is almost always seen as more important and has more frequent contact with the adoptee than birth parents/family. This shouldn’t be the case.

Another adoptive parent writes – I always wondered how openness works for out-of-state adoptions, particularly when the child is young and needs to be accompanied on flights (a lot of domestic infant adoptions seem to be out-of-state, which seems odd to me). While my husband and I see our families way less than the kids’ (2x in the last 3 years vs 2-4x a month) that’s not a sacrifice, that’s geography. Except for special occasions a few times a year, I reserve friend time / date ‘night’ for when the kids are in school, so that I am always available when they are not (this is a huge privilege I am afforded by not working outside the home and because my husband has a flexible schedule.)

Yet – how I fall short?

Youngest (age 11, adopted at 8) doesn’t like sleepovers. Sleepovers are a big part of her family culture. I also don’t like sleepovers (for myself.) I could probably get her to sleep over with relatives, if I came too, but in my opinion, that’s weird for a grown-ass adult to invite themselves to a sleepover at someone else’s house. I’ve “compromised” by driving her to visit early in the morning and picking her up right before bed, but the right thing to do would likely be to invite myself along to her sleepover invitations, so that she goes.

Eldest (age16, adopted at 14) spends way less time with family than she did prior to my home. She’s straight up told me it’s because she’s now allowed to have friends and because I taught her about boundaries and that if she were in her prior placement, she would spend way more time with family. While to me boundaries and friends are important for teen development, I still did, indirectly, cause her to withdraw from family and I do feel guilty about that.

An interesting point of view emerges – I have seen my mom go out of her way to keep the family connected but the biological family could care less. I believe the costs to see the kid should be on the biological parents, not the adopted parents and the adopted parents (and family) shouldn’t be inconvenienced for the visit… so I do feel like the biological mom should be able to get to Europe on her own to see the child.

The reply from the one who initially asked the questions was – In most domestic infant adoptions, moms are relinquishing because of lack of resources and support. Most adoptive parents have financial resources (or they fundraised to buy the baby). So, you’re saying that the mom (who already felt so choiceless that she relinquished her son) should find a way to travel to Europe with her daughter as often as she wants to see her son – because….. it’s her own fault she relinquished??? They didn’t live in Europe before adopting. She didn’t know they were going to move there. I don’t think they knew but if they did, they didn’t tell her and moved four years later. They are the ones who committed to openness and visits.

As a mother who relinquished because of threats, coercion and lack of support (and ultimately, a belief that I was not good enough), I’m having a hard time with your perspective. Maybe you can explain to me why you feel the adoptive family “shouldn’t be inconvenienced” for the sake of a child they chose to parent who needs to see their family? Do you think you’re drawing directly from the situation closest to you and this is based on feelings you have about your adopted sibling’s biological family ?

The explanation –  the biological family has done no shows or come when they feel like it… especially concerning the kids we have fostered. (I note that we have successfully reunited about 30 kids with their families). I’m no longer stopping my day or the other children’s day for a visit that may never actually take place….the social worker can come get them or the biological parents can meet and join us where we are…this is purely based on years of experience…. And I don’t inform small children about potential visits because often times they are let down and the biological parents are no shows…none of my adopted siblings biological parents willingly gave up rights. The rights were terminated after YEARS. We tried to assist them in every way including allowing the biological mom to live with us – she just didn’t care to get it together…. We fought and advocated hard for their parents to get it together because we did NOT want to adopt them. We believe kids belong with family first.

That satisfied her question – therefore, your perspective regarding my general post to adoptive parents about the kids in their care is based entirely on your very limited personal experience (and a kind of obvious bias against the biological family). Thank you for explaining. I’ll ignore your opinion that my friend ought to be able to find her own way to Europe, if she wants to see her son.

From another adoptive parent – This is a hard one right now because every post in here talks about prioritizing the adoptee’s wants, but it is the natural mother who is always asking for more. We can spend a week with her and then, the adoptees choose not to do a video chat the next week and she will say that they are pushing her away and hate her. I have often wondered, if we stopped constantly offering contact, how often the adoptees would ask for contact. Right now, if we go to the state she lives in for any reason – we see her, we have 3 of our own family members in the same state and we only see one or two of them each time but ALWAYS prioritize seeing the natural mother. But we don’t ASK the adoptees WHEN they want to see the natural mother, we say, “we are going on a trip to her state, you want to see her, right?” And they shrug and say sure. The one area that I have definitely not made any effort is the other natural family members. One time a natural uncle reached out and that time I asked the adoptees and both said, nah. Not a NO, but a nah. I told the natural uncle that the adoptees didn’t want to meet with him on that particular trip. He hasn’t asked since and the adoptees have not asked either.

Another person offers this perspective – it seems, at least to me, that it’s very much obviously the job of adoptive parent to positively facilitate and maintain those first family relationships without being asked, rather than passively wait for child(ren) to ask for it to be facilitated and maintained. In the same way that we don’t generally wait for children to ask to be enrolled in education, have medical checkups or do any of the other “boring” stuff that’s good for them in the long term but not necessarily stimulating or enjoyable every time they do it. In my experience of talking and listening to foster and adoptive parents I’ve noticed an unmissable pattern, wherein the weight put on the opinions and feelings of children varies wildly from situation to situation in a way that seems arbitrary – until you notice that it correlates with the typically desired outcomes of the average foster or adoptive parent. Children being ambivalent about their first families is usually accepted at face value – embraced and validated, even. There is something incredibly permissive about that. A permissiveness that, on closer inspection, almost never extends to other areas of their parenting. It gets framed as giving children agency and there’s very little introspection on whether or not it amounts to the foster or adoptive parent neglecting their responsibility to make reasonable decisions, on behalf of the children, to set up the opportunity for them to form and maintain a relationship, a parent-child or other familial bond.