Substitute For Wholeness

Heartbreaking – from a high school teacher – I have a current student that lives in a group home and has been openly asking myself and other staff members to adopt her since her mom is going to give up parental rights (student’s words, no one else’s, no idea if it is true). She has taken to calling me momma (don’t know where that came from) and other staff members auntie or grandma. I’ve tried to get the momma stuff to stop without much luck and don’t want to push her too hard on it as I’ve seen how upset she can get when she feels rejected. I don’t know the details on her situation and why she is in a group home, but I do know she has mentioned contact with her mom and an aunt. What can I do to help show her love and support without making her feel rejected, while also encouraging her to hold out hope for her family situation to resolve?

Response from an adoptee – I used to do this when my biological mother gave up rights. I took to every foster parent and asked them to adopt me even in unhealthy/unsafe foster homes. My lawyer and social worker recognized it after I went to the 3rd foster home. They put me in trauma based counseling that I wasn’t previously in and got me a therapist to help work through. It helped me realize the attachment issues were all based around trauma. She will probably continue to lash out and feel rejected even with therapy. It’s hard but children with these types of attachment traumas will go to drastic length for someone to love them. You can still support her while she gets the help she needs. Please fight for her to get into counseling and therapy. It’s hard to navigate the feelings you have. And please remember, trauma alters your brain chemistry, she cannot help how she feels or thinks. That’s the biggest thing for me. Teachers used to tell me to stop and get frustrated but I physically couldn’t stop getting attached to people. It followed me a little later in life but I’m finally at a place where I don’t have to have somebody like I did at that age when my trauma was still new.

Another adoptee who is also a Foster/Adoptive parent of children with LINK>RAD (reactive attachment disorder) wrote – So, the “mommy shopping” can be related to severe complex trauma (sometimes called RAD in kids). It’s not healthy or typical and there are probably some attachment issues there. (adoption, family separation, residential care, etc) Kids with severe attachment issues can reject loving homes and try to get strangers at a store to be their parents. They can’t trust people who are really there for them. Its too much, too vulnerable. They’ve been let down before. And so they can blow up relationships with family while creating superficial scenarios with people around them who won’t ever make them feel vulnerable. You would be a safe fantasy of family for her, I suspect, if this is what’s happening. So, this can be tough, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t support and love on her. But I would become educated about RAD//PTSD in kids. There’s a lot of terrible advice around RAD, so try – radadvocates.org. Don’t do the Facebook groups because the way these parents talk about their kids will chill you and they won’t be able to offer you any tools anyway. Thanks for looking out for her. Just remember her trauma will probably be big and above your pay grade, so the best way to support her is to understand where her needs come from, listen to her and then keep showing up. I’m glad you are there for her.

One adoptive parent suggested – Can you ask her to refer to you either by your name or if she insists on momma maybe add your name to the end ? I’ve had friends of my kids call me “Momma J” which establishes that I’m a mom and my name but feels more comfortable than outright being called mom by a non-biological child. I feel like you can have that conversation to set this boundary without making her feel rejected but allowing the boundary to be crossed can lead to a pattern of boundary pushing and testing (from my experience). Another added – I would even do “Auntie” instead of “mama”. It implies specialness but holds a boundary.

A Reality Check

So a struggling mother asks – Is it wrong to give your kid up for adoption if you deal with depression/anxiety and don’t really have much help ? A part of me feels like I will get over everything and be just fine .. another part of me wants to give my kid up for adoption so that they can have 2 parents and grow up in a loving home with good opportunities. Is any of it feasible ?

The reality – Adoption won’t guarantee a better life for your child, only a different one. Adoption is random. Hopeful adoptive parents are not evaluated for mental health, as biological parents are when Child Protective Services is after their kids. Also, divorce is just as common for adoptive parents as it is for everyone else.

Adoption is permanent.

So, you could give your kid away to some random strangers, then go on to win the lottery, meet the love of your life, and meanwhile the adoptive parents could get divorced, lose their jobs, your kid could be raised by an alcoholic hoarder who won’t allow any contact with you, and then when they do find you, they could resent you for depriving them of the life they could have had with you.

Someone else who suffers from depression/anxiety admits – I go through this thought process with every episode. It’s so hard. Adoption doesn’t always equal better.

Someone who experienced both foster care and adoption notes – People have all sorts of reasons to justify giving up their child. They often sell themselves the line that 2 parents are better than a single one, or they are better off because I am dealing with x/y/z. Your kids love you in spite of all of the hard things in life, and honestly, if its something you struggle with – they likely will too. And no one is better to help them navigate it than their birth parent because often times adopted parents just gaslight their kids and don’t get them the proper therapies and then, its compounded by attachment trauma too. Hugs. You are a good mom no matter how you are struggling because you love your kids enough to ask tough questions about your own mental and emotional health. That’s more than most hopeful adopted parents will ever do!

The issue of abortion often comes up in adoptee circles with a variety of opinions. Comparing the trauma on the biological mother of placing her child for adoption as opposed to what she might feel after having an abortion – studies have found that 95+% of people who’ve ended their pregnancies, have no regrets and felt nothing but relief.

One adoptee says – I’ve had an abortion, I don’t regret it at all. Sure, I sometimes wonder what might have been, but I’m not sad about it at all. At least there’s nobody out there wondering why they weren’t good enough to be anyone’s first choice.

Yet another who aged out of foster care, and was never adopted, says – I’m really really grateful and lucky to have not been aborted. For me, I don’t know if its right to decide for someone without their choice that they’re better off dead than adopted.

Then an all-of-the-above person notes – This is hard… I believe that if someone has never had a child they might regret their abortion. I’m a biological mom and an adoptee … I have my own child I parent, I have a biological child that was given up for adoption, and I had an abortion. By far my abortion was the easiest on me emotionally and mentally. I have been tormented emotionally and mentally by the adoption that turned out a total lie regarding it’s openness. I think about her every single day. I wish I would have aborted her but I was selfish. Of course, I would also rather have kept her, if I had the right mindset then. Hindsight is 20/20. But I also know that if I had never given her up, then I wouldn’t have chosen to have an abortion so easily the next time because giving up another child would have never happened again or I’d be dead. But I know, if I had aborted the child I gave up, I would probably have huge regrets because I wouldn’t know how awful it was to give a child up to adoption.

It always is a matter of perspective and circumstance. This blogger notes – I have a biological, genetic daughter that I surrendered to her father due to my own financial struggles (he refused to pay child support, I went into an employment where I could not take her along with me. I was seeking a financial gain that would support us both – I did not foresee leaving her with her paternal grandmother would become her father’s non-legally mandated permanent custody). Then, I had an unplanned, unexpected pregnancy with no interest expressed by that father-to-be. I did end that one with an abortion. Later on in life, in a better marriage and with good financial circumstances, I gave up my genetics to allow my husband to become a biological, genetic father through assisted reproduction. Many women have multiple varieties of reproductive experiences. I do believe ALL women deserve a legal private choice in all reproductive matters.

Parental Death Then What

Sadly, it happens. Parents die and something must be arranged for the ongoing care and healthy development of a child. A lot of make suggestions in our wills or trust regarding our minor children but few think it out from the perspective that the adoption community can bring to the issue. Today’s stories and insights highlight the issues.

I am looking for resources about adoption following death of a parent or parents, NOT adoption due to a lack of support for birth parents. Attachment trauma is a given. Actively honoring the memory of the late parent(s) is a high priority, as is pursuing therapy for all parties. The children know their own stories, have access to their family health history, and retain their birth names. Beyond this, I would like to better understand adoption vs. legal guardianship in the context of parental death.

My sister died, leaving my niece behind. My parents already had guardianship before she passed, but also go full custody as well after. but they are currently pursuing adoption strictly for the legal assurances it gives us. They are in their 70’s and although in excellent health, you never know. If they adopt her, they can “leave her to me” for lack of a better term. With the current arraignment, I would have to totally start over from square one. But they aren’t trying to adopt her in the traditional sense. They don’t want to be called mom/dad, etc. it’s just for custody/legal purposes.

I was orphaned at age 7 when my mother died in a car accident. Legal Guardianship made college paperwork a nightmare, it made school field trips/enrollments and passports and traveling across borders immensely difficult. One time, I had a border patrol agent insinuate my grandfather was trafficking me despite our last names matching on our passports and his drivers license. My mother did not allow my stepfather to adopt me despite him coming into my life when I was 1. I am grateful she didn’t.

Adoptee who was adopted due to the death of a parent. Please do not steal their last name. My name being changed stole my connection to my deceased dad and I still resent it decades later. My last name was all I had of his and it was changed, even though my adoptive parents knew how I felt about it

Guardianship is will be heavily state dependent because states are so different with respect to family law. It could largely depend on the specifics of the court order. A guardianship order for a child who has no legal or living parents would have to ensure the guardians have the same rights and responsibilities as parents, including the ability to sign for a passport / take children out of country. One problem you could run into with guardianship would be – if you did have to immigrate to another country – the children would likely not be eligible on your visa. Only legally adopt if that’s the only option.

Best to not change the birth certificates, refer to yourself as “mom/dad” and do maintain relationships with extended family. Consider long term security in terms of custody (including if you were to die and future guardianship decisions), medical decision-making rights, access to IDs/passports, and so on. Legal guardianship can be tricky to navigate. An informed attorney is a must. As far as I know, there is not currently any state that allows the original birth certificate to remain intact with the finalization of an adoption. Hence the growing interest in guardianships. In some states, children under legal guardianship do not get all the benefits that foster and adoptive children do (example: free college tuition).

Here was a good example of how to talk to people at the child(ren)’s school – always introduce your title – grandma/grandpa, aunt/uncle, etc. Let them call you by your real name/ title (Aunt Carla, Grandma, etc.) rather than Mom. That will require some effort upfront on your part with teachers and so forth. Reach out to their teachers before the start of the school year and introduce yourself – Hi, John and I are Jane’s Aunt and Uncle. I know most kids live with parents but Jane‘s parents are deceased. It’s a tough subject for her – of course – and I know you would want a head’s up so that you can use inclusive language for the students’ families. I think it is important to take the lead with all those kinds of introductions, so the burden to explain does not fall on the child(ren).