Tag: Aunt

Family First Always

Today’s story – my dear friend is fighting for custody of her biological nephew (both the child’s parents are incarcerated for abuse/neglect for now). The child is an infant and currently in foster care. My friend put in the work and was approved by children’s services to be a foster parent, but they won’t place the child with her. And now they are saying that the child’s current foster family is interested in adopting him.

An adoptive parent actually answers – Fight for that baby! Family first always! She needs to email and contact daily. Copy every person’s email she can put on a email. Don’t be overly aggressive but stern. Every time I see this it makes me so mad. Prayers the right thing is done.

Someone who was in foster care as a youth note – At least in my state, she could file a motion to intervene. Our children’s court judge ALWAYS places kids with approved family.

Another writes – Most likely state law and Child Protective Services policy both prioritize biological connections. Find the statues and policies (handbook should be online, or at least it is in my state) and have her cite them in emails to the worker and supervisors. She may need to get her own attorney to enter the case but if she can’t afford that, I would go to the court house and see if there is anything she can file herself to enter the case or petition for custody and get in front of the judge asap. Idk if it would help to offer to maintain a relationship with the foster family (doesn’t have to be long term, but don’t specify lol) to ease the transition.

Another has questions –  She needs to contact the state ombudsman and get them involved. Who said no? Contact their supervisor. Supervisor said no, go up the ladder. Is she in the same state as the nephew?

Another shares – Same state/country – different state/county? We had a similar situation with my “great/grand-nephew”, but also had ICPC (different state) placement to get through. The Social Worker for our state explained it to us that they are legally required to consider Family First placement. He was moved from a non-family placement to us at around 10 months. Sadly, baby’s mom and dad (my cousin) are unable or unwilling to parent the baby at this time, at least being placed with us we will foster that relationship in the future for him to connect/reconnect with his parents.

We were told multiple times things like this:

“that baby’s family (non relatives) has already been picked out”

Your involvement/help is not needed or welcome here

It is “all but signed off on for him to be adopted (at 3 months old)”

“maybe you can get the next one”

We persisted, because we wanted the social worker/agency to know there was a family placement option for him, should they choose it. We are currently foster parents/placement for him.

Unexpectedly Complicated

I can’t even imagine . . . a sister dies leaving one’s self a 1 yr old to care for. Further complicating the situation, no one knows who this child’s father is. She notes – “my family doesn’t have a filter and I know they will talk crap about my sister and I don’t want her to hear that.”

She adds, “My Mom keeps telling her I’m her new Mama and I keep correcting her to not say that to her, if she wants to call me Mom one day she can but that should be her natural choice.” blogger’s note – why not just Auntie, since that is what she is. However, she goes on to note – “she already calls my husband Dada but I think that is because she never had one to call Dada.”

She adds a basis for her worries – “I honestly only want her to know all the good about my sister and not the bad things, am I wrong for that? I don’t want her to worry that she will be like her one day, I struggled with that as a young adult, worrying I would be like my Mom, and I just don’t want that for her.”

A social worker who is also an adoptive parent answers –  My daughter’s birth mother did not know the identity of the father. It really hit home for her in kindergarten when her class was making Father’s Day gifts and she asked me where her daddy was from, when she was born. I had to be honest with her and tell her I just didn’t know. Since that time I have registered her with 23andMe and Ancestry, but no close relatives have been found yet. You sound like a very caring person and who will work hard to provide a loving and safe environment for your niece.

One woman adopted as infant (but not through kinship) said, “I want to address some points/ language, as it is important.”

1. Babies remember their mothers. Implicit memory does this. Babies also grieve the loss of their mothers. This is lifelong.

2. Normalize allowing her to grieve and explore this out loud. Speak openly and frequently about her mom. Good memories, funny stories, similarities.

3. Come up with another name she can call you, like a derivative of your name that is easy for a baby to say. Note – She already has a Mom, and that is not you.

4. Please also normalize that your husband is not her biological father. Weave it into her life story.

5. If you don’t know who her biological father is, then be honest. Don’t ever lie, even by omission.

6. Challenge your own black and white thinking in terms of good/bad. Was your sister struggling with mental health / substance abuse, etc? These are reasons to be compassionate, and there are age appropriate ways to address this.

You cannot erase her loss, or her truth. You can be the safe place for her to explore and question it, without fear of offending the adults.