Contact Preference

Father’s Day is Sunday. Today’s story asks adoptees a question about contact preference – Adoptees, would you have wanted your natural father to reach out to you or your adoptive parents ? Or would you have rather they let you find them, when you were ready ?

Background (not my own story) – My husband has a child that was placed with a family and just turned 18. He has not had contact with her since she was placed, when she was a toddler. He would like to reach out to let her know that he’s available, if she wants a relationship moving forward but isn’t sure if he should wait until she reaches out or go through her adoptive parents.

One adoptee laments – I wish my dad would contact me. I am 36 now and still wish for that.

One person thoughtfully notes – I’m not sure how is react if my father gave me up for adoption and then I found out he adopted another child. Whatever you do you’ve got to really think about the best way to break that news to her. That’s potentially very crushing. An adoptee says – I’m adopted and I would be hurt if one of my birth parents adopted another kid after giving me up.

The person asking the initial question adds more context – we already had the challenge of us having a biological child after we were married – then adopting. So our children are areas that may invoke hurt. It’s part of why he hesitates to reach out. From my point of view, I figured not reaching out for fear of hurting her is worse than reaching out and causing potential pain that can be discussed and worked through.

Another adoptee adds – I would much prefer my parents to reach out to *me* than through my adoptive parents. That feels weird and invasive and uncomfortable. And not all adoptive parents welcome this connection — mine don’t and I’m in my 30s. So.

The one who initially asked the question responded – totally makes sense and I figured as much. He didn’t want to step on their toes and undermine but he’s not trying to take over either, just provide her the option to reach out to him, should she want a connection at some point.

An Adoptee Rights Activist says (who is also an Adoptee and the Daughter of an Adoptee) – Definitely reach out to her directly.

Kristin Chenoweth Reunion

Kristin with Mamalynn

Kristin’s birth mother has passed away but thankfully, she was able to reconnect with the woman and spend 10 years knowing her. She tells the story (about the 3:50 mark) in an interview with Katie Couric in 2019) that her uncle said to her birth mother “There’s a girl on there (Jay Leno’s show) that acts just like you.”

She has spoken about meeting her biological mom for the very first time – “I walked in the room and she went, ‘It’s you?!’ And I said ‘hi!’ and [it was] just like looking in the mirror.”

blogger’s note – I’ve had similar moments when I saw photos of my mom’s birth mother and my dad’s birth father – how much my parents were like their genetic parents. It’s that genetic mirroring that is so often lacking in an adoptee’s life with their adoptive parents, and sometimes extended families. Each of my parents had one sibling who was also an adoptee.

Chenoweth has said in interviews before that her adopted parents always made sure she knew she was adopted and loved, while growing up as a child. “They always said, ‘The lady that had you in her belly could not take care of you the way she wanted to, and she loved you so much.’”

Kristin goes on to describe her birth mother as an incredible person. She notes that upon the two of them meeting, her birth mother asked her “Can you forgive me?” Which she does and says “I’m so grateful for her.”

Chenoweth goes on to say “So many things became clear to me about myself when I met her and came to really know her. Those of us who knew her loved her light. Her love of music and all things artistic. An artist herself!”

Kristin adds, “In her belly, I became fans of Stevie Ray and Jimmie Vaughan, Doyle Bramhall, Jimi Hendrix, and, of course, Billy Ethridge – my bio dad. The two of them gave me the innate artistic ability I have today,” Kristin continued.

(LINK>Bassist Billy Ethridge replaced Lanier Greig, shortly after ZZ Top was first formed. Ethridge was a bandmate of Stevie Ray Vaughan. He quit because he didn’t want to sign with London records, so Dusty Hill took his spot. )

On her birth mother’s passing, Kristin notes – “Mamalynn prayed for me every year on my birthday, hoping I was having the most perfect life, which of course, I was.”

“I snuck away and prayed for her too, wishing that someday I would be allowed tell her ‘thank you,’ Which I did on 12/12/12. A beautiful day!” she said, adding that the two “didn’t leave anything unsaid in the end.”

“I will miss her till the end of my days,” Chenoweth continued. “But then, I will fly into the sky, where she will be waiting to greet me, and she will say, ‘start singing Babygirl!’ And I will. RIP Mamalynn.”

“Kristin, I’m so sorry for your loss,” Rita Wilson wrote on the tribute. “What a blessing you got to know each other over these past years. And that she got to know you. Your gratitude in this tribute is so bright and clear. Love you. May her memory be eternal.”

blogger’s note – my mom was a singer – she even sang and played her guitar at my wedding. She and my dad both died knowing next to nothing about their genetic parents. I did think that each of my parents met their birth parents after they passed and instantly knew more – than even I know now – about their genetic ancestors. What I know now is hugely more than my parents knew about them during their own physical lifetimes.

No Right To Be Sad, Still . . .

One of the complications of having been adopted in a closed process is the mess that it makes of biological genetic relationships. Today’s story.

I was adopted through a closed adoption, I’ve connected with my biological siblings, who I’m relatively close to. I’ve talked with my biological mom – maybe three times – it didn’t go well. I spoke with my biological dad once but I haven’t tried reaching out in years because of how poorly my last interaction with my biological mom went.

I just found out my biological dad died Thursday. My biological mom didn’t even try to reach out to me in order to tell me. They’ve already had the funeral. So, it is all done now.

But it hurts and I’m struggling with it. I’m in paramedic school right now and low-key, even though I was no contact with him, I wanted to make him proud and I wanted to meet him one day. I don’t know why it’s hurting so much but it is. I don’t even know how to begin processing all of this. I feel like it shouldn’t hurt this bad, I feel like I don’t even have a right to be sad about this.

Reunion Questions

If at 17 years old, adopted from foster care with no contact with your birth mother your entire life but now with an opportunity to ask some questions . . .

What would you as this adoptee ask your birth parents ? If you have been through such a reunion, what were the questions that you thought, in hindsight, weren’t helpful to potentially building a relationship ?

Some responses –

Ask for the family medical history. This one is one of the more important ones. This is what drove my mom to try and find her original mother and/or obtain her adoption file.

Ask how many biological siblings you have. This one lets you know if you are the only child of your birth parents or did they go on to have other children, maybe through a remarriage to someone who was not your original father as well.

Ask for the reason they chose whatever decisions they had in their power to make that led to you ending up in foster care. This one could be a tricky one, it may lead to defensiveness or in the best possible situation, at least regret, and even better, ultimately to a radical change in lifestyle.

If they relinquished for adoption, did they decide to do that early on at the beginning of the pregnancy or at the last moment just before birth or just after ? In both of the cases of my adoptee parents relinquishments, it appears that their original mothers actually tried very hard to keep their first born child, and in the case of my mom, the only child born to her mother.

Ask who your biological father was. Does she know how to contact him ?

On a sweeter, more intimate note (I know this was the kind of information I yearned for related to my mom’s mother that finally at the end of most of my discovery journey, I finally received from my mom’s cousins, the daughter’s of her youngest uncle, who were about my age) – ask her what her favorite foods are, what is her favorite color. Ask about her childhood memories and ask her to tell you something about her extended family members.

One says – “I really wanted to look at my birthmother, hear her voice, and look at her handwriting. Basically I wanted to see if I could find that mirror of who I am.” This is the personal connection many adoptees crave. I do believe my mom yearned for these kinds of experiences. I now have the adoption file that was denied her and one of the treasures are two examples of her personal writing, a post card and a brief letter (though I also have her signature on the surrender papers).

Another interesting perspective that I saw even with my mom who wanted something, though my dad claimed not to want it at all – it is a strange juncture for any adoptee to arrive at, when been raised by people with whom the adoptee has not genetic or biological connection but who were the actual parents and sibling’s in the childhood family –

I told them that I was not ready for a full relationship with them. I wanted them to know I was alive and wanted them to know I had an amazing childhood. My mom told me that as a mother, she would want to know that everything turned out okay for her child. In one case, the biological father started calling the adoptee, “daughter.” He was buying her things and saying “I Love You.” This made her feel very uncomfortable and so, she asked that he not do those things anymore. For this adoptee, she was not his daughter. Happily, he accepted her boundaries. She shares the rest of the story going forward – they are now Facebook friends. Today he is a little more involved in my her daily life. We talk by phone from time to time. She admits that she still does not have the feelings towards him that a raised biological child would (though some of my friends do not have good relationships in adulthood with their genetic, biological family today).

And sadly, this is always a possibility – “I’ve reached out to my birth mom and have been shut out – no answers to my questions. No desire for a relationship.” Yet, there is something you can do in this situation to bring you closure and comfort. Write a letter. Tell her everything you want her to know about you, your childhood, who you are now as a person. In this way, you end feeling you said everything you needed to say.