Feeling Alone

Today’s story – Adopted at birth. Black child adopted by white family. Intense borderline personality disorder and identity issues. Constant shame. Why do I feel this way! My adoptive parents were always good to me. My adoptive mother said she understands but refuses to read literature about how traumatized I am because she doesn’t like non fiction.

Fast forward to August of last year I took an Ancestry DNA test. My birth mother was indifferent when I found her, but my birth father was brimming with joy that he had a daughter. My mom never told him she was pregnant. They had a fling in the military together years ago. Anyways, I look just like my dad and he’s already spoke about the guilt he feels missing out on my life. He loves my kids (his grand kids) and he is flying us out to visit him this winter. He’s a great man and I finally found my family. Why do I still feel so alone?

Some thoughts –

One adoptee noted – The abandonment is so real. It’s just a part of who I am.

Another adoptee writes – Lifelong trauma is something that can be lessened over time but unfortunately it will always be there to some degree. I am 76 and will never be rid of some of the ‘stuff’. I do take some comfort and closure in knowing who I am and where I came from. I hope in time you can take comfort in that and develop a longlasting and close relationship with your birth dad. My heart goes out to you.

Another person calls it out – Not liking nonfiction is an absolutely ridiculous excuse to not read about the trauma of adoption (particularly transracial adoption). I’m so sorry she isn’t willing to do that for you.

Another adoptee acknowledges – reunion sometimes feels like it will fix everything but it doesn’t, unfortunately. There is more grief to process in that we missed out on so much time with biological family and even though there can be instant and great connections, we still don’t feel truly a part of the family.

An adoptee in reunion notes – I’ve been in reunion for over 10 years and still feel lonely, even though it’s all been really great. I think it’s just a part of who we became when we were taken away. I wish we could feel instantly better, when we find answers to our history but this is also why I always talk to everyone about adoption and all it’s myths because doing this to people is just so messed up. We had no say in this but yet we are the ones that have to deal with all the ramifications.

One adoptee admits – I never really made the connection. I have had a lovely reunion with my dad as well, but you are right. I constantly tell my husband, I feel alone. I just don’t fit anywhere. I’m dealing with it. It’s a process though.

An interesting explanation from an adoptee – Our brains have been rewired for protection instead of connection. We literally had our brains synapses and pathways changed in order to survive in a world without connection. My psychologist described it as “what we are told is love for us is survival and trauma bonding”. When our whole concept of love is based on this, is it any wonder we struggle to understand connection. I did until I had my own babies and that in itself was a devastating reality. Even with them, my little family and reunion of sorts, I still feel utterly alone like an alien dropped into a moonscape. We are having a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation.

Some advice from someone who facilitates reunions – Why is it not enough? Because it is not enough – it is so much less than you deserve. Why can’t your mother behave the way your father is behaving? Why can’t you matter to her, the way you matter to him? It hurts because your getting only half of what you are entitled to – what every person born is entitled to. You are not ungrateful for what you have —you are necessarily anguished for the absence of something every person deserves and every person actually needs to feel complete and secure – having two parents that care about you. Humans are resilient. They can endure and survive horrible losses and violations and trauma. They can realize their inherent value, even after they’ve been abused and mistreated. They can move on but to expect them not to feel let down, when their parent is indifferent, is just not fair to a person in that situation. Don’t let your birth mother stop you from reaching out to your maternal relatives. They may think you are wonderful and want very much to know you.

What Is Stopping You ?

A natural mother who had two children placed for adoption, asks these questions of adoptive parents – have you actually done the work to work to reunify your child with their biological family and relinquish *your* rights to them ? Have you asked their birth family, if they are now in a place to have their children returned, if they wanted their child back ? For those of you who have open adoption, support visits, talk about how the biological families are doing well and raising other children since placing… What is stopping you from working to repair that family ? Adoption is trauma (even when the child is adopted from birth). So what is stopping you from releasing your hold on that child, and putting them back with their biological family members, if they are in a better place or more able now to raise their child ?

Response by an adoptee – The person who matters the most in this situation is now the child. Both adults have made the choice to adopt and “give up”. If the kids want to be with their REAL family, they should be allowed to do as they please. And each case is so very different. But if the child doesn’t want to be with the natural mother because they are used to the family they are living with, then I think the child gets to make that decision as well. This SHOULD be the child(ren)’s choice to make and no one’s else’s. They are the most affected by it. And this is what both the adopted parents and biological parents should consider – when adopting or giving up for adoption.

An adoptive parent shares – the youngest child in our house is 8; we are guardians. Recently, his mother’s situation has improved. She has said on more than one occasion “I could not handle him” (he has fetal alcohol spectrum disorders – and it creates stress responses and impulse control considerations that are really hard). We listened to that – and know there is more going on for her than just the behaviors – there is grief of her loss(es), there is guilt for the fetal alcohol exposure and other history. He is at a developmental stage where he is processing the loss in his history – and at this moment in time, doesn’t want contact with her. But that is just now, and he is just 8 and it could change. We hold all the needs of all involved loosely, and center him. It’s hard and complex. I appreciate very much your perspective to center him. That can get lost in “adult” conversation.

The one who asked the questions clarifies – have any adoptive parents ASKED the child if they would want to go back to their biological parents or families… Not just hand them over with no communication. I see adoptive parents all the time saying how they know adoption is wrong… But I wonder about those with infants and toddler- if they’ve even tried to see about positively reunifying the family… or older children who have contact, have they asked that question. I think it all looks good on “paper” to say adoption is wrong… but I’m more so curious if there are any wo have actually done the work or made an effort to reverse the situation.

Another adoptee shares her perspective – what is the child’s choice ? What do they want ? Being adopted from birth, if I was randomly given back to my birth family – it’d be adding trauma to trauma. I’d be losing my parents, my siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins etc AGAIN but this time, they are the only ones I’ve ever known and to once again go and live with strangers ? This shouldn’t be about what’s owed to the birth parents or the adoptive parents but the child’s choice. Being re-abandoned after abandonment doesn’t feel like the healthiest option, once adoption is already done. Maybe it’d be different if I weren’t adopted from birth. I can’t speak for those who were adopted at an older age. I’d say having a truly open adoption would be helpful in this situation and if the child ever decides to go no contact with either party or wants to live with the other, that should be allowed. The ball should be in the adoptee’s court.

Another adoptee admitted – This post rubbed me the wrong way because it centers the desires of the biological family and not the actual child. I would not have wanted to be “given back” and would have been murderously angry at any and all adults in my life, if they tried to facilitate this without my input (and my input would have been: absolutely not) once I was old enough to know what was going on. Adoption itself is trauma but the trauma can never be undone, even with reunification. (Of course if the child is actively asking to go back to their biological family, that’s a different story.)

One shares a personal story – My eldest sister escaped the system because her dad took her. Myself and our two other youngest sisters were adopted with me from foster care. I was 12 at that time. My sister got her eldest two half siblings back post adoption after their adopted mom passed away. Her husband was not able to parent alone. Two of the teens had trauma from loss already, then added loss. It was not something anyone prepared him for. My oldest niece suffers from borderline personality disorder (imo from the broken attachments and abandonment issues). No legal ties were changed. They are adults now, but the third who actually went to their school has no contact because her adopters won’t allow it. Unbelievable, the kids got in trouble at school for conversing ! That is Insane !

No Such Thing As Normal

An adoptee shares –

My adoptive mom would always have me getting diagnosed with nearly everything in the DSM growing up all the time. I’ve since come to the conclusion there is no such thing as normal. The point is, my voice was never heard as a child and I was on a million different meds and diagnosed with a million different things. I wasn’t ever diagnosed with autism specifically, but my adoptive mom suggested it many times to my doctors, as she did everything else because something clearly must be “wrong” with me (yeah normal adoption trauma, but we can’t talk about Bruno).

All I’m saying is be careful how you paint that picture. I was always pissed that my adoptive mom kept saying there was something wrong with me. All I ever wanted was to be normal. As I’ve grown older, I definitely notice I’m more intelligent than a lot of people and I’m quirky, sure. But to be diagnosed with ADD, bipolar, depression, BPD, and everything else? If I can get diagnosed with 15 things and no doctors can agree what is “wrong” with me, then isn’t it all just BS anyway?

(blogger’s comment) I loved my mom dearly (she in now deceased). My dad said she was a hypochondriac. She also did tend to think things were wrong with us too. Each of us as her daughters had experiences directly caused by that. All I can say is I’m glad we survived them. There may be some truth that much of it had to do with her being adopted (that pesky primal wound), though I can’t know that for certain.

Learn to live with how you are. Give your child the tools to do that. That’s it. That’s life. I think very few people truly require medication. Everything else is just learning who you are and having the coping skills to handle it.

The responses shared above (except my own blogger’s comments) were offered due to a post about a “child diagnosed as autistic at the age of 2, who has made huge strides (cognitively, developmentally, emotionally, socially, etc), however does not know/understand her autism diagnosis.”

(another blogger’s comment) Though it may be that all of the males in my family are somewhat Asperger’s, we never wanted them to be permanently labeled with a diagnosis. The closest we came was having the boys professionally evaluated after being homeschooled for many years, to make certain we had not failed to give them a good foundation (we had not failed). The psychologist said, I wish more parents with children like yours had your attitude about it. We have encouraged their interests, given them support regarding those but allowed them to create their own paths. Now at 18 and almost 22, they are awesome human beings with definite strengths and a strong sense of their individual character. We have no regrets about the choices we made during their childhoods.

It Is About More Than That

In my all things adoption group, a woman writes –

Let’s talk about “playing the victim”. I see this come up a lot in this group when adoptees and former fostercare youth are talking about their trauma. I can only speak for myself, but I’d like to explain why this is so bothersome.

This is a group about the realities of adoption. Our conversations are often about adoption. I talk about my adoption trauma a lot in this group. Why? Because it’s relevant to the conversation. The conversations I have in this group are not reflective of the conversations I have elsewhere in my life. This group is only a sliver of my life.

I have trauma from being adopted. I suffer from mental illness. I’ve been diagnosed with BPD (* see below). I don’t blame all of my struggles on being adopted. I can’t say for certain that it is the root of all my problems. But I also can’t separate it. I was relinquished as a newborn. This trauma has always been here. It is a part of the other problems. It is a part of me. But it’s not all of me.

* Note – BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder is a condition characterized by difficulties regulating emotion. This means that people who experience BPD feel emotions intensely and for extended periods of time, and it is harder for them to return to a stable baseline after an emotionally triggering event.

I have trauma from being adopted but I have privilege in other areas of my life. I’m very fortunate to be where I am today. I’ve met many roadblocks as a result of being an adoptee, but I’ve overcome many of them. I’ve made mistakes and suffered the consequences of those mistakes, but I own them. I don’t blame others for my actions.

Being adopted comes with trauma. Being adopted has legal implications that can make things difficult. In a group about facing the realities of adoption, I don’t think it’s “playing the victim” to acknowledge the hard things. You have no idea how anyone has lived their life. We are simply sharing experiences that are relevant to the purpose of this group.

Developmental Trauma Disorder In An Adoptee

“All diagnoses are wrong, but some are useful.” George Box

The kinds of complex issues that adoptees face can be difficult to treat. A 2013 study found that fewer than 25% of adoptive parents who sought mental health services felt that their mental health professional was adoption-competent. The symptoms and issues that adopted children experience are typically not taught in most graduate school mental health programs. Adding to the challenges faced by adoptive families, insurance companies will not cover what is really going on with these children and their families because it is not correctly conceptualized, coded, and diagnosed.

Some common diagnoses used with adopted children include Pervasive Developmental Disorders, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Affective Disorders, Anxiety Disorders, Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. Each of these may characterize certain symptoms that these children demonstrate, but none of them systemically addresses the developmental aspect of trauma that most (if not all) adopted children experience. None take into account the sad possibility of being traumatized by birth or foster-parents. “There is no diagnosis for children that more than partially addresses the symptoms associated with these impairments in self-regulation” according to Julian Ford, PhD, who is a psychologist with the University of Connecticut.

“Developmental Trauma Disorder” or DTD includes symptoms that differentiate it from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD more commonly associated with the “Battle-Fatigue” symptoms of WWI. Children are often traumatized in the context of relationships. Because children’s brains are still developing, this trauma has a much more pervasive and long-range influence on their self-concept, on their sense of the world, and on their ability to regulate themselves.

There are four diagnostic areas involved in DTD – [1] Exposure [2] Triggered pattern of repeated dysregulation in response to trauma cues [3] Persistently Altered Attributions and Expectancies and [4] Functional Impairment. Those who’s work has been focused on adopted children who have suffered various forms of Complex Trauma will recognize the manifestation of these. The American Psychiatric Association failed to include this in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Fifth Edition (also known as the DSM-V).

The problem with this oversight is that after experiencing chronic trauma, the current standard of clinical practice often reveals no diagnosis, inaccurate diagnosis or inadequate diagnosis…all of which leads to misguided or complete lack of treatment plans. Further, because there is almost always considerable dysregulation of body (sensory and motor), affect (explosive/irritable or frozen/restricted), cognition (altered perceptions of beliefs, auditory and sensory-perceptual flashbacks and dissociation) and behavior (multiple forms of regression), the diagnoses of bipolar, oppositional defiant disorder/conduct disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or other anxiety disorders are made. Many of these disorders are co-morbid with developmental trauma disorder, as they tend to cluster in these complex families. But the importance is that the developmental trauma disorder would be primary and thus guide the treatment plan…and further, refine the inclusion (or not) of other co-morbid disorders.

Today’s blog was informed by an article Could My Adopted Teen Have Developmental Trauma Disorder? by Dr Norm Thibault, LMFT

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

I came across the letters DBT in an adoption discussion group and as I had no idea what it stood for, I do what I often do in such cases, google it. It started with this comment by an adoptive parent –

“I just had it click in a deeper way yesterday that I put a lot of thought and effort and will into trying to heal my kids. As if I’m a savior. As if I can. But in DBT, it talks about creating a change ready environment for your kids. By the way, if you can find a child DBT therapist, do it! Its expensive and it involves individual and parent and group sessions, and its work and learning, but its SUPER effective. All kinds of stuff prove its effective. Back to my point, if I’m trying to create a change ready environment, a calm and consistent environment where mean words can roll off my back, and I’m working on me setting the example that self care is important and I’m working on me so that I can hold all the pain they send my way, that’s where I make the most beneficial impact for all of the family and that’s where I love my kids the best.”

DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Dialectical behavior therapy is an evidence-based psychotherapy that began with efforts to treat borderline personality disorder. There is evidence that DBT can be useful in treating mood disorders, suicidal ideation, and for change in behavioral patterns such as self-harm and substance abuse. Many of these issues are aspects experienced by adoptees due to the trauma of separation from their original mothers.

One woman commented – “DBT absolutely SAVED MY LIFE. The skills helped me stop with SI and I then went on to lose 140 pounds.” I had to google SI too. Introverted sensing (or Si for short) is one of the most misunderstood cognitive functions in the personality community. Introverted sensing is a perceiving (information-gathering) function. It focuses on the subjective, internal world of personal experience and compares and contrasts new experiences to past experiences and memories. Si-users tend to notice patterns repeating themselves and are quick to spot changes or inconsistencies in their environment. They trust personal experience and subjectively explore the impact of current events, choices, and consequences.

So back to DBT . . . .

Its main goals are to teach people how to live in the moment, develop healthy ways to cope with stress, regulate their emotions, and improve their relationships with others. DBT can help people who have difficulty with emotional regulation or are exhibiting self-destructive behaviors (eating disorders and substance use disorders). DBT is sometimes used to treat post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

DBT incorporates a philosophical process called dialectics. Dialectics is based on the concept that everything is composed of opposites and that change occurs when there is a “dialogue” between opposing forces. The process makes three basic assumptions:

All things are interconnected.
Change is constant and inevitable.
Opposites can be integrated to form a closer approximation.

Mindfulness skills help you slow down and focus on using healthy coping skills when you are in the midst of emotional pain. The strategy can also help you stay calm and avoid engaging in automatic negative thought patterns and impulsive behavior. BTW, I am a BIG believer in mindfulness.

Distress tolerance techniques help prepare you for intense emotions and empower you to cope with them with a more positive long-term outlook. There are 4 techniques – distraction, improving the moment, self-soothing and thinking of the pros and cons of not tolerating distress.

Emotion regulation lets you navigate powerful feelings in a more effective way. The skills you learn will help you to identify, name, and change your emotions. When you are able to recognize and cope with intense negative emotions (for example, anger), it reduces your emotional vulnerability and helps you have more positive emotional experiences.

Interpersonal effectiveness helps you to become more assertive in a relationship (for example, expressing your needs and be able to say “no”) while still keeping a relationship positive and healthy. You will learn to listen and communicate more effectively, deal with challenging people, and respect yourself and others.

Is It This Or That ?

An adoptee blogging friend wrote – Borderline Personality Disorder or Adoptee?

This attracted my reading attention right away because for quite a few weeks, months?, I’ve been reading a book titled Healing the Split – Integrating Spirit Into Our Understanding Of The Mentally Ill by John E Nelson, MD. Because there is evidently a severe case mental illness (likely paranoid schizophrenia) in one of my childhood siblings, this book has really spoken to a heart that will always have concern about her well-being, even if my relationship with her has become hostile from her side of the equation. But the book goes into much more than merely mental illness but deeply into how spirituality evolves in a human being. As a matter of fact, I had my own spiritual emergency in my early 20s and but for my own realization around that, I might have ended up very much like my sister who has had a multi-year stint of homelessness (but not presently, thanking all that is good).

One of the topics that gets touched on – but mostly very briefly overall – is borderline personality disorders. There are nine classic symptoms from chronic emptiness to uncontrollable anger, and there is a lot of variation from symptom to symptom. You can read about all of them at The Mighty from where today’s graphic was sourced. The 5 types briefly are Affective, Impulsive, Aggressive, Dependent and Empty. These are also discussed more in depth at the link.

In the blog I refer to at the beginning of my own, she says that it is a disorder of instability and impulsivity. In relationships, moods and behavior and sense of self. She goes on to ask – “OK how many adoptees reading this have already put their hands up as recognizing themselves in that description?” She prefers to call the traits of borderline personality disorder – “adoptee functioning.” She goes on to say of the 9 traits – “this is pretty typical behavior for someone who has experienced being relinquished at birth, and it is the way that adoptees function, rather than it being dysfunctional.”

She concludes – “I am going to re-label Borderline Personality Disorder as Adoptee Adaptive Personality, caused by relinquishment.”