Normal Late Teen Behavior

The girl in the image is NOT the one being referred to by this foster mother but I believe the uncertainty is not unusual in this age group, even though the girl’s reasons are valid. Today’s story –

I am the foster parent to a 17 yr old, who is about to turn 18 in a few months. She wants to change her last name, to make it harder for anyone from her past life to locate her. She had been adopted as a baby and the adoptive parents, who she got along with, are dead.

She wants nothing to do with her biological family ever again. They also want nothing to do with her. But, one older sibling she does not like, who was abusive towards her, might try to find her.

She wants to be adopted again. But, I do not plan to adopt her after she ages out of foster care because she would lose too many benefits that would help her in going to the private college of her choice. She plans to get scholarships for that based on need.

I will remain a support; and of course let her stay for the rest of high school, and during breaks from college, once she moves to the dorm. I will help her financially, as needed.

She says she wants to be adopted, once she’s in grad school, which she plans to go on to after college. I am not sure it’s a good idea but once we get to that time, it’s possible I would – if she still wanted that, as she’d be 23 years old.

Should I encourage her to choose a made up name that’s different from mine? I don’t care if she takes my last name but I don’t know if that would be better or worse for her than a made up one. She’s on the spectrum as well, although recently diagnosed and does not present that way, so most people don’t realize it. She does ask my advice a lot but I don’t know what the answer to changing her name is. She does not want the birth name she had before she was adopted. She’s already changed her first name, though not yet legally, as she hates her entire name. She is already in therapy.

Some thoughtful replies –

One woman who was adopted from India and raised in the US – it sounds like she has good reason to change her last name, and honestly I don’t see a major issue, minus financially it can be pricy. She added – it’s state by state with costs, I know for my sister it was $300 in Missouri, when we looked at it. She prefers her nickname to her legal name and my parents didn’t care, but she didn’t want to pay the cost. Several added examples – in California, there is a fee waiver form and it sounds like she might qualify for something similar. From another – in Washington state I paid ~$260 for the name change, I think ~$15 each for extra copies (which came in handy) and ~$50 for a new license. Also this one – I’m in Pennsylvania and my name change cost about $500.

There was someone who shared – Changed my name many times to get away from abusive family/and because I’m trans. If she wants not to be found, it depends on if the people looking for her know your last name. If they do, probably best to go with a different name. Still, help her find something that holds meaning to her. I’m in Virginia and it was an easy $41 ordeal.

Another shared – My husband and I both changed our last name to something unrelated to either of our families. It cost $600, had to be posted in the newspaper for 2 weeks, followed by a hearing where we just confirmed we were doing it because we wanted to. When she is 18, just allow her to do as she wishes.

From an adoptive parent – do you know her reasoning for wanting to be adopted ? It sounds to me that she may just want to belong, feel accepted, have a stable family, etc but it may be a good idea to ask and better understand her thoughts and desires around adoption.

One adoptive parent asked – Are you sure she’ll lose her benefits, if you finalize adoption ? We adopted our now 18 year old, when she was 17 but she gets all her benefits until she’s 21 (which includes scholarships and her tuition). Is there any way you can check with her social worker ? As far as her name goes, it’s her decision. When our adoption was finalized, our daughter initially kept her last name but she recently asked to change it to ours. She now has her mom’s last name as a second middle name.

Another shares her perspectives – based on what you’ve said here – I’d encourage her to wait. If she’s in danger – actual danger- that’s different. I agree with you about not adopting her; families look all sorts of ways and she can choose her own, right? Because she’s so uncertain about what she wants to call herself and why, it just seems prudent to wait until she’s an adult. She can have nicknames and that sort of thing, but changing your name is a whole big thing and complicated. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I really like that you’re asking for other perspectives and listening to her. Just give her time and space to figure things out – especially because she’s on the spectrum. Keep helping her and supporting her like you’re doing.

Luis Armando Albino

These kinds of stories fascinate me. Things have been disrupted for this week and that may include tomorrow.

In the meantime, here is the story that caught my attention today. This man is only a few years older than I am. Here is a link to that story in The Guardian as I am short on time today – LINK>Six-year-old abducted from California park in 1951 found alive after seven decades, all because his niece did a DNA test ‘just for fun’. He was reunited with his family in California just last June.

Falsehoods Are Common

A CPS lawyer is arguing that her clients (social workers) didn’t know that
you cannot lie in court in order to take a parents’ children away from them.

This came up in a thread where someone questioned – The mother was 19, they put her age as 16. I was 17 when this was dated, but this family wasn’t made known to me until March, 2018. 6 months into the pregnancy after being excluded prior. I am just wondering why her age isn’t what it actually was and if anyone has any ideas as to why she was listed as being younger? The dates are also listed differently.

I don’t really know the answers to this specific situation but I saw this behavior back in the mid-1930s in the surrender papers prepared by Georgia Tann related to my mom’s adoption. The ages of my genetic maternal grandparents were deliberately misrepresented as were the occupations of my grandparents.

It was noted – There’s quite a few court cases on YouTube where child protection workers were caught lying and forging documents to the courts or injecting themselves into families. There are so many lawsuits.

One person noted – The information packet my sister received also had false information like this. I believe this is a common practice in adoption. It was supposed to contain her identifying information and it was this bizarre package of lies and it was literally redacted in a lot of parts. I had no idea things like that happened in adoption until she showed me her redacted information package of lies and she told me how common it actually is for information to be falsified. It makes it more difficult for the adoptee to get to the truth/find their biological families.

One youth/family counselor wrote – When working with kids who are involved with Div of Children and Family Services (in Illinois specifically) I’ve experienced my kids caseworkers and the supervisors changing constantly. I really believe a lot of the records that are kept are incomplete and false because of high staff turnover rate, low oversight, rampant unchecked bias, and pure laziness on behalf of a lot of the workers. They care a lot less about the paperwork being true and more about it matching whatever case they are arguing to the judge. It’s maddening and makes it difficult for EVERY entity involved to know what is even going on. That is absolutely insane, and a very clear example of how harmful it is that these adults (Child Protective Services workers/shady adoption agencies) simply don’t care to make sure the information is truthful or correct for the kids’ sake at ALL. The paperwork serves them, not the kids. None of it serves the kids.

An advocate notes – They just flat out lie and there was actually a case about it in California, I believe where they argued the right to lie. While some cases may be due to understaffing, a lot of it is just flat out corruption. They want that Title IV funding (LINK>Title IV-E – Federal Payments for Foster Care and Adoption Assistance) and they have to destroy families to get it. It always shocks me when people act like CPS/DHS/Adoption agencies aren’t corrupt. Because they are. Systematically. It is insane how many families have told me stories like this. It is absolutely a product of how the system is set up.

More Adoptable

There are reasons that kids under 5 rarely return home from foster care …. because they are more adoptable.

Actually, there were 2 reasons – who takes care of kids when parents can not parent ? One – plenty of parents who CAN parent get their children taken either because they are poor or because of bias on behalf of CFS/CPS/CWS, whatever it is called in your state. Two – plenty of parents are never given a chance to parent because their child gets taken at birth by coercion.

Foster care is not as necessary as we make it, and there are reasons that kids under 5 rarely return home…. because they are more adoptable. When those in a position of authority, or those who are mandated reporters are given discretion in cases involving child welfare, there can often be disparities in decisions regarding the removal of children from homes or the substantiation of child abuse claims. These disparities stem from a combination of factors, including the lack of clear guidelines, the subjective nature of assessing risk, and the influence of biases that may unintentionally come into play.

One example of vague guidelines is California, where there is an absence of a universally defined legal age at which children can be left home alone. This lack of a specific age leaves room for interpretation and discretion by authorities. While some states have guidelines, they often include language such as “maturity and safety of the situation” as determining factors.

Vague language can lead to inconsistent decisions as different individuals may interpret maturity and safety differently. Additionally, the discretionary power given to those with authority to remove a child means that they must make quick, on-the-spot assessments of risk and safety. This can be influenced by various factors, including personal biases, cultural norms, and past experiences. Research has shown that biases—whether based on race, socio-economic status, or other factors—can unintentionally impact decision-making, leading to disparities in how cases are handled.

Someone may be more likely to view a situation as unsafe or reportable if it involves a family from a marginalized community, even if the circumstances are similar to those of families from more privileged backgrounds. This bias can result in disparities in how child welfare cases are investigated, substantiated, or acted upon. Minority children at least 12 months old with accidental injuries are 3 times more likely than their white counterparts to be reported for suspected abuse. Black and low-income infants are more likely to be tested at birth for drug exposure than are infants from white or more affluent families, even though rates of prenatal substance use among racial and economic groups are similar.

If you have access to Medium, you may wish to check out LINK>Empowered By Megan.

Shame On You Missouri

Whose Money Is It ?

From an article in the Missouri Independent, LINK>Legislation aims to stop Missouri from seizing federal benefits owed to foster kids. Turns out Missouri’s child welfare agency took at least $6.1 million in foster kids’ benefits last year to reimburse itself for the cost of providing care. Of course they did !! Missouri’s practice of taking millions of dollars in Social Security benefits owed to foster kids to defray the cost of providing care could come to an end under legislation debated last week in a House committee. The state took at least $6.1 million in foster kids’ benefits last year — generally Social Security benefits for those with disabilities or whose parents have died — to reimburse itself for agency costs.

It’s a decades-long practice that has come under increased scrutiny across the country over the last few years. Several states, including Arizona, New Mexico and Oregon, have stopped the practice. Fifteen states and cities have, according to NPR, “taken steps to preserve the money of foster youth.” Nationally, state leaders have raised concerns they wouldn’t be able to fill in the budget gap left by abolishing the practice. California’s governor last year vetoed a bill that would’ve halted the practice, saying it would have cost too much.

If the legislation actually passes (a big IF in this state), the division could use the funds for the child’s “unmet needs” beyond what the division is obligated to pay, such as housing as the child prepares to age out of foster care. The state would also be required to ensure the account in which the child’s benefits are deposited is set up in a way that doesn’t interfere with federal asset limits.

“This money is important for their future,” Rep Hannah Kelly of Mountain Grove said. She has been a foster parent in the past. The hearing was in a House Children and Families committee. “We have a responsibility to make sure that it is safeguarded for their future.”

The state withheld $8.1 million in foster kids’ benefits in 2018, $7.9 million in 2020 and $7.1 million in 2022, according to data shared at the House Children and Families committee. State agencies are allowed to be designated as the payee for kids in their custody, though nationally it’s been documented that kids aren’t always informed the state is receiving their benefits. The main federal benefits at issue are through Social Security: Supplemental Security Income for those with disabilities and survivor’s benefits for those who have a parent who has died. Kelly’s bill also includes benefits issued by the Railroad Retirement Board and Veterans Administration.

Around 10% of foster kids are entitled to Social Security benefits for survivors or those with severe disabilities, national reports have estimated. That would mean somewhere around 1,200 kids are eligible yearly in Missouri. The result of the practice is that kids who are orphaned or have disabilities are responsible for paying toward the cost of their care in state custody, while foster kids who are ineligible for those benefits pay nothing. “No child really wants to be in foster care,” said Rep Raychel Proudie of St. Louis, “…to make them pay for it is just absolutely egregious. We don’t usually make children pay for their care under any other circumstance.”

The state uses the money to pay for routine foster care costs, though agency staff did not provide details when asked by lawmakers about those specific expenditures. In other states, it’s used to help offset the money states pay foster parents and group homes, for instance, for costs like housing and food. The bill would prohibit that practice, so the agency would only be able to use the money to pay for things outside the bounds of their obligations, such as tuition, transportation, technology or housing.

A foster father, Jason White, testified at the House hearing that his foster child, now 20, “has exactly zero dollars to his name,” which he said would not be true if the state had put his federal benefits money into an account. The state is supposed to provide a quarterly accounting of how it is using a child’s money but White said in practice that hasn’t happened. He has no record of where his foster child’s benefits went.

Madison Eacret, lobbyist for the nonprofit social service organization FosterAdopt Connect, said the annual social security disability benefit per child is around $10,000: equivalent to “two years of books and supplies for college, 10 months of rent for a one bedroom, nine to 12 months of child care for a young child, or four years of SNAP benefits. Currently the vast majority of foster youth beneficiaries including those in Missouri never see a dollar of this money, and they don’t even know that someone has applied for their benefits.”

Mary Chant, CEO of Missouri Coalition for Children, said the money could help foster youth who age out of the system and can become homeless. “This funding would make a considerable difference in helping youth better position themselves for independence. This money belongs with the child.”

How To Identify

Today’s thoughtful question from someone thinking about becoming a foster parent – How would you have wanted your Foster Parents to introduce you?

Example: If someone at a park/social situation asks me questions like “oh are these your kids?” Or “How many kids do you have?” What is the best way to respond? Do I say yes these are my kids? Do I say that two are and one is my foster child? How do I even handle that situation appropriately? I can’t imagine that outting a child all the time as a “foster child” is a good idea… I don’t want them to feel othered… but I also do not want to pretend like I’m their mother because I am not… idk it’s tricky and idk how to handle it in the safest and most considerate way.

The concern – once my Foster Child is old enough to be asked how they want me to refer to them, I will ask them but I likely will be fostering young kids/babies or kids that have unique medical needs … some who may be too young/unable to be asked this question.

Some responses – In California, it is illegal to tell people your foster child is a foster child. (Another noted – It is also illegal in Washington state to tell people they are foster children. It is suggested that if you are thinking about becoming a foster parent you should check the laws in your region.) In my opinion, you shouldn’t be giving out personal info about kids to people at the park. Absolutely allow older children to identify themselves however they are comfortable but with babies and young children just say they are your kids. I always do, whether they are mine, relatives, friends, neighbors or foster. Are they all your kids? Yes. Do I care if some random person wonders why I have 3 two-year-olds? No. If people question me further, I either start asking them a bunch of personal questions or simply say that life is full of mystery.

Another suggested – “yes, they are with me” as a helpful phrase.

Another said what this blogger thinks – People are way too nosy and not entitled to answers to these questions. She used this example – my daughter and stepdaughter are the same age and when they were little, people would ask if they were twins and I would just say “nope.” And then they would look at me funny and I just left them wondering. (blogger’s note – in fact, my 13 mo younger sister and I were the same size until she got much bigger. We were often dressed alike and so we were often mistaken for twins.) Someone else offered her a humorous reply – all I can picture is you getting irritated after being asked this one too many times in a day and saying “no, I found this one at the playground and she’s followed us ever since.”

My Mom On My Mind

Around the time my mom’s adoption was finalized

The credit for the existence of this blog actually belongs to my adoptee mom. She wanted to know the truth about her adoption through Georgia Tann in Memphis Tennessee in the 1930s. The state of Tennessee refused her that information and it was my intention that I would pursue it after she died, thinking it might be easier with the birth and adoptive parents as well as the adoptee no longer living. In some states like Arizona, Virginia and California that hasn’t made a bit of difference to the closed, sealed records. What my mother was never told is that a few years after her attempt, the state was then providing the records to the victims of Georgia Tann’s scandals. I learned the record would be available to me in 2017 from my cousin who was able to obtain her still living father’s record (the daughter of my mom’s adoptive brother, also adopted in Tennessee through Georgia Tann before her).

Unrelated to issues of adoption, I have been asked to give a 3 min presentation at a choral event today in the city of St Louis. In a sense, I will be alone in the spotlight for those 3 mins. I mention my mom twice during that short speech. Therefore, I feel my mom will “be there” with me today, even though she died back in 2015. I smile when I think of ALL of her impacts on my life. I was lucky to have such a devoted mother and even more lucky, she didn’t have to give me up from adoption when she turned up pregnant with me in high school. I am forever grateful for that good fortune, since I know so much about adoption related trauma now.

Committing Fraud

Not my thoughts but I understand how this person feels and agree with the sentiments –

I would like to see further restorative action to press criminal charges against every state in the US that has and continues to withhold birth records, as well as for falsifying these official documents. IMHO these documents post-adoption aren’t your “original” birth certificates, these that are being withheld are your real, actual birth records. The “amended” or adoption certificates are not valid documents of your birth.

In fact, the state goes so far as to commit both birth certificate fraud and human trafficking by falsifying your birth records. Human trafficking involves deception and the falsification of official documents. The UN considers falsifying documents in their definition of “illegal adoption”. As investigations are uncovering falsifying documents in international adoption and governments are having to issue public apologies for their actions, where International Christian Adoptions adoptees are holding these countries accountable for their crimes, the US is not any different in falsifying these official documents.

It’s not just about restoring human rights to an entire population that has deliberately and systematically been commodified and dehumanized by these same states. Adopted people are not seen as human beings, we are commodities. These states have committed crimes and rather than being accountable, they have written and passed their own laws in order to legally protect themselves from being held accountable for their crimes. Falsifying documents is more than a violation of human rights, it’s a crime. It’s time the US is held to the same standard of accountability as other countries for committing such crimes as falsifying documents to conduct human trafficking through adoption.

Now a couple of thoughts from your blogger here –

Finally, this is a good question – Why are the original birth certificates are not being provided once an adopted person is an adult ? I believed when I tried for my dad’s with California – they just don’t want to do so much work. They don’t want to open those floodgates.

Also brought up – issues of inheritance. That was a factor for my adoptee mom and her adoptee brother when their adoptive parents died. Not that they were harmed but I understand there were laws specific to Texas regarding their circumstance of being adopted persons and that their adoptive parents could NOT disinherit them.

Is It A Just-World ?

Because I really do love trees, this image tugged at my heart. A new term for me – the Just-World Fallacy. It is often used to blame victims and excuse abusers.

In spiritual circles, one might hear re: adoption, “It was in your soul contract. You agreed to it.”

I am a spiritual person and I do have some belief in soul contracts but not as binding devices that eliminate free will choices and decisions.

Getting real – an infant can NOT consent to being adopted. Pre-birth? Who can really know ?

Generally, the responsible parties are the mother and the father. One or both may have been pressured or coerced, as in my mom’s adoption where Georgia Tann was involved. That is clear from information in my mom’s adoption file, which was given to me by the state of Tennessee as a descendant who’s parent was affected by Tann’s practices. My mom always thought she had been stolen. Politely, she would describe her adoption as having been inappropriate.

My dad’s father probably never even knew he was a father. He was a married man involved in an affair. My grandmother, the self-reliant person that she was, simply took care of her circumstance. She gave birth in a home for unwed mothers run by the Salvation Army and was subsequently hired by them and transferred from Ocean Beach, California to El Paso, Texas. The Salvation Army then took custody of my dad and adopted him out.

If my parents did have any kind of soul contract pre-birth, it was probably to meet and marry but it would take getting adopted to achieve that outcome or at least the way the situation played out in their real lives.

This leaves me definitely on the fence about whether their soul contract with one another included the necessity of getting adopted. Hmmm. I do know it seems like adoption was necessary for me to exist. So there’s that. Could it have happened another way ? I have to admit to that as well.

So back to that Just-World Fallacy. It is termed a fallacy because clearly in individual circumstances and events, justice is never a certainty. It is defined as a cognitive bias that assumes that “people get what they deserve” – that actions will necessarily have morally fair and fitting consequences. In spiritual circles, it could be termed cause and effect or even karma. “Just-World” has believers because people have a strong desire or need to believe that the world is an orderly, predictable, and just place. Related beliefs include – a belief in an unjust world, beliefs in immanent justice and ultimate justice, a hope for justice, and a belief in one’s ability to reduce injustice (which is what motivates any kind of activist and motivates my writing this blog).

In spirituality, we believe in a larger, broader view of how justice manifests. And always, we hope for an evolving and maturing humanity that rises above. I liked this graphic on empathy.

It Often Is About The Money

A kinship adoptee shares – I met a lady the other day who mentioned she was a foster parent. I asked her why she decided to become a foster parent (it’s something I’ve always wanted to do) and she said – because her mother-in-law it and told her California is giving bonuses right now as an incentive for people to do it. That was it, she didn’t give any other singular reason… like wanting to help a child?? So. mostly this is a rant because I was shocked that someone would just openly admit this – like it was totally okay, but also.. what would you say to her ? I was at work, so I would have to keep it professional, therefore I just didn’t say anything. I couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t get me a write up, at the very least. Any suggestions for the future ? I could see myself being in this situation again.

On woman, a former foster parent herself, replied – So, money means more than the best interest of a child ? This breaks my heart. One of my best friend is a foster parent. I am learning from her. I wanted to do it because of my own childhood. I had no one. Not a single person. These are REAL humans. My friend went through a brutal previous foster situation. She had to testify on her own defense after they made false statements. Currently, she has one child in her care. She will take a small break from teens because of how much she has gone through this year. I see how hard it is.

There seems to be a consensus that – if you’re making money being a foster parent, you aren’t doing it right. Which matches what I know about it and what the abuses I am aware of have involved. Someone said – at least she’s honest? Hundreds of foster care homes out here are lying and saying it’s for the kids, but keep their homes maxed out and never buy the kids anything. The foster parents retain most of the money. A former foster care child added – As sad as it is, as long as she doesn’t abuse them, that’s still a bit of a win. A lot of people take in kids just to abuse them.

One transracial adoptee notes – Why do you assume the children are NOT being abused ? Even ignoring the fact that foster youth and adoptees are statistically more likely to be abused, this is a person who *in their own words* is only in it for the money. That’s exactly the type of person who is MORE dangerous. Their concern isn’t the child, it’s the paycheck.

One foster parent shares – my bank account is suffering but the kids are happy ! That’s what matters to us. That’s what all kids do to your bank account. They’re expensive ! They need to see how the world works and have life experiences. So many of these kids haven’t even been out to eat ! How are they supposed to know what to strive for and how to order off a menu ? We do not have our own biological, genetic children, but the foster kids in our care – go on vacation, baseball games, eat out, get Halloween costumes, they’ve been to Hawaii with us and theme parks, they get nice clothes like everybody else. I’m not saying this for any praise or acknowledgement, but so that maybe somebody who is clueless, could see how it should be. I could list a million things but it’s silly because it’s not special, it’s just caring for a child, that we’re caring for, that lives in our home.

Someone else confirms – same. I’ve had to go into my savings account more than once for the children in my care.

Yet another person says – Firstly, most foster parents are worried about that check, abusive or not. There’s probably even foster parents who really care about the kids from the bottom of their hearts but live for that check and wouldn’t be a foster parent without it. Secondly, I’m not assuming they won’t be abused by that foster parent. If she’s made it clear she views housing random kids as something that’s transactional, that is better than those intentionally abusive fosters homes who up the “kind and loving” front but go out of their way to be monsters behind closed doors. If people create a false persona of being genuinely good, then it’s harder for any allegations against them to hold weight, which is why its a common tactic for many abusive foster parents. In today’s story, that specific foster parent put all her cards on the table, indicating what kind of person/foster parent she is. There are many foster homes, where the foster parents don’t care what the kids do – as long as they don’t cause too many problems. That is still bad, but it’s a lot better than some of the worst forms of abuse, which are all too common in foster homes. I’m not saying its right but sometimes there’s lesser evils even with a shit situation and that’s just the reality of it