Hmmmm, Cutting Through The Noise

What is so great about children being surrendered and raised without their identity ?  Did I get your attention ?

I can’t imagine losing my mom – can you ?  Both of my parents did.

You don’t have to take my word for it (just listen to enough adult adoptees and you will become a believer) – adoption is trauma.  Bringing a child into a stable, loving home does NOT erase their trauma.

Why would you glorify abandonment ?

You know, you’re basically waiting for a woman and her baby to have the worst day of their lives so that you can have the best day of yours….

Adoptive parents literally act like the stork delivers these children.

One person’s intense joy is a result of another person’s desperate sorrow.  I certainly saw the truth of this as I read my mom’s adoption file from the Tennessee Children’s Home Society.

Tell people who are not familiar with conventional adoption about the fake birth certificates your parents were given.  That is one some people have trouble believing (yes, it is done all the time). Then tell them your parents’ REAL names were taken away from them and that they were both given a name that the adoptive couple preferred.

Imagine creating your family tree and having to list two names for each of your parents and then show their spouse with the adopted name so that someone might with difficulty sort it all out.  Yes, my parents were not allowed to use the names they were born with.  Are you incredulous yet ?  Most people have no idea that adoptees are forced to live fake identities.  My dad’s name was changed TWICE when his adoptive mother remarried.  He was already 8 years old at that time.

If that baby had lost his mother to cancer, you would be mourning with him right now.

If adoption is so wonderful, which one of your children would you give up to someone else for a “better life” ?  Note –  it should be the child you love the most that you give up, since you would obviously want that child to have the best life.  Crazy, huh ?

Ask an adoptee what it means to be adopted – adoption means you’re never going home.  Let that sink in.

Most adoptees would get an abortion before they would give up their own child for adoption.

As the child of two adoptees, I try to be balanced (after all, I would not exist but for) and not be too harsh.  Many people are well-intentioned but ill-informed about the realities surrounding adoption.   I want my readers to walk away having learned something real, maybe opening up further conversation on the topic.  Adoption is more complicated than you might imagine.

Many people believe that every adoptee was unwanted or they view the original mom as less than human because they can’t relate to someone who has given up a child.  Both perceptions are quite likely UNTRUE.

 

 

Questioning A Choice

There was a woman in my mom’s group that I became close to.  We were all undergoing assisted reproductive methods of varying degrees and gave birth to our children during a four month period in 2004.

This woman was not typical in our group.  She was actively being treated for cancer and used a surrogate to conceive and birth the boy/girl twins she left as a legacy for her husband.  She was anxious about having to wear a head covering to hide her hair loss in the delivery room.

It came to pass that she died when the twins were about two years old.  The couple bought a house directly across the street from the one the twins lived in to buffer them from some of the most distressing aspects of her dying.

It is fair to ask – What does it mean to create new life when one parent is dying?

The reality is that there are countless parents who don’t live to see their children grow up, but most of those tales involve unforeseen tragedy.  Among my own acquaintances two other women have died of the complications of cancer after giving birth to children that are left to their husbands to raise.

In the face of a certain ending, some couples chose to create a beginning.  The number of people who confront this exact extraordinary convergence of birth and death is small enough that no one knows precisely how many are out there.  There are outliers facing terminal illness who have forged ahead with plans to have children.

Perhaps I know more of them than most people do.  Because of my own circumstances of conception and the circumstances of my parents’ conceptions that ended their parental relationships by their becoming adopted, I have developed a different philosophical view that also does not deny a woman’s right to choose.

That right is very broad in my own perspective – not only to choose to conceive by whatever method is available to any individual woman but to choose not to carry a pregnancy she doesn’t want to invest herself in.  It is a brave new world and the rules are changing.

Separation Trauma

This subject comes up frequently in adoptee groups.  Also mentioned is RAD – Radical Attachment Disability.

Children are seriously harmed when they are separated from their parents. There has been quite a bit of research that proves that harm.  When a court becomes involved in a child welfare case, it is important to balance the harm of removing a child with the risk of abuse or neglect that the child faces by remaining in the home.

When that is apparently necessary, it is still important to preserve a child’s relationship with their family of birth.  The effects of separation from their original parents on children is always devastating.  Such children are at increased risk for
developing heart disease, diabetes, and even certain forms of cancer.  Even when children are in the care of parents who may not be able to meet their needs, they still organize their behaviors and thinking around these relationships and go to great lengths to maintain them.

Other ways that separation from their original family can impact children includes developmental regression, difficulty sleeping, depression and generally acute stress.

The younger a child is when they’re exposed to the stress of separation, the more likely it is that they will have negative health outcomes caused by dysregulation of stress hormones and a response to that flood of them.  That dysregulated stress response can lead to architectural changes in the brain.

Family separation may also lead to long-term chronic medical conditions like cardiovascular disease, hypertension, obesity and decreased longevity.