Plan B

Actually, NOT this one.

From a comment – Adoptive parents need to be honest that adopting is “Plan B”. If you were a “fertile myrtle”, you would not have sought someone else’s kid. Yes, that may sound harsh, but let’s face the reality. Adoptees are not your first choice. And foster parents, foster to adopt stories, are another Plan B. Only kinship reasons are somewhat valid. Most choices to foster are for self-serving reasons. Just own it.

One adoptive parent who’s child came from foster care responded – my self-serving reasons involve a desire to care for older children while avoiding pregnancy and the toddler / preschool / early elementary stage. Another is a desire to parent a child without being their mother. To which a response came from an adoptee – “That doesn’t make you their parent. You’re their CAREGIVER.”

A transracial, domestic infant adoptee notes – When I point that out to my adoptive mother, she gets so defensive but will also acknowledge the fact that they wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, if they didn’t have me ! This winter she told me, oh, we were going to adopt from South America but it wasn’t trustworthy, Asia was our second choice but then someone suggested we try at home and we were lucky, we got you. She didn’t understand why I feel interchangeable.

blogger’s note – it is often said, when an unwed mother reneges on her plan to surrender her baby for adoption, that any womb wet baby would do. The hopeful adoptive parents just go out and find another one. And I found this story heartbreaking but so honest –

My mom was 15 when she found out her “mom” was actually her grandmother and her “sister” was her real birth mom. My mom’s mom was 16 when she had her. I saw the trauma this caused my mom all her life. She was abused in her grandmother’s home for “looking like her dad” and I recall a time when I was a child and my mom called out her mom and asked her why she kept her and gave her to her grandmother knowing the abuse that happened in the home. Even when I was 10, this broke my heart. I had thought adoption or being in another home as a foster could have fixed her situation somehow. However, I’ve that the savior complex is real and isn’t helpful. Participating by fostering an older teen foster is still contributing to the problem. The system in the US is an inexcusable mess. The trauma my mom would have had being removed from her genetic family would have traumatized her as well, just in a different way, but still not “fixed” the problem. As an adult, I’m glad my mom was raised with family because she is Mexican and the very few people in her family that I talk to keep me connected with that side of my heritage. (My mom passed away a few years ago.) I’ve known many hopeful adoptive parents in my life and although they are “good people,” I try to advocate by asking them why they think it’s a good idea to take another family’s baby to complete their family. People don’t like it, when it’s worded that way, but it’s the truth. Other people’s babies should not be someone’s solution to a perceived problem.

Un-answered questions from an adoptive parent – I was a “fertile myrtle” and I wasn’t an anomaly in my adoptive parent circles. That said, adoption – like all choices in life that I can think of – is self-serving. Even kinship adoption is self-serving, as is foster care. People who learn about the harms and choose not to be part of that system are also motivated by self-serving motives – this is the preferable choice because it isn’t as likely to harm others but it’s still self-serving at its core. My question for adoptees is, regardless of self-interest, does one motivation feel more hurtful or damaging than another? Like does it hurt more to know you were Plan B, than if you knew you were the result of someone’s savior complex? I always assumed harm was harm and each motive carried different (but equal) flavors of potential harmful internalization for adoptees but maybe that’s not accurate?

A gay man writes – For whatever is worth, as a gay man, for a lot of us folk, adoption usually is Plan A. Another replies – I am also a gay man, neither of us are entitled to someone else’s child just because we can’t produce our own in the most traditional way. Adoption is not the answer. Someone else challenges – but if it were possible for you to biologically have kids with another man, I’m sure you would choose that route first? If so, adopting is still Plan B. The first gay man responds – at least in my case, no. Due to how adoption works in my country of Costa Rica. Adoption was always Plan A. On a very personal note, a lesbian friend once asked me to have a child with her, but I didn’t wanted to. I personally believe that is selfish to bring new life, when there’s a lot of kids in orphanages here. But, again, my view is very influenced on how adoption works here. Though, if I were a US citizen, with what I know now, adoption would totally be off the table.

And finally, this reality check from an adoptee – I’m going to be radical and say that I believe that anything anyone does is at least partly for self-serving reasons. Perhaps I should also add that I think being honest and aware of what aspects of one’s actions are serving one’s self is a good idea. I think it’s impossible to completely avoid your own self-interest, which means that I also believe it is not possible to be purely altruistic. I think the issue depends on whether the self-interest is an attempt to not face your infertility and those feelings and to pretend to the outside world that your kids are your biological kids or whether it is doing the very difficult job of raising some kids because they needed a safe, loving home, even if you otherwise wouldn’t have chosen to take that responsibility. Or something in between.

You Don’t Owe Anyone

An adoptee writes – I went no contact with my adoptive mother about 18 years ago. She was always abusive and treated her biological daughter much better than me. My cousin contacted me the other day and said I should reach out and make amends because she is showing signs of dementia and on death’s doorstep. Am I in the wrong for not trying? I mean she did raise me when no one else wanted me after all. I’m so torn and need advice.

One foster parent replied with her own experience – Only you know what your heart needs and no one else can make that choice for you. Completely different situation, but my grandmother died of Alzheimer’s and I was guilted into coming to say goodbye the week before she died. I knew I didn’t want those memories and now my last memories of her are of her being cruel and racist to the nurses in her care unit. She didn’t know me and she didn’t care that we were there. I wish I’d listened to my heart and not gone. You don’t owe this trip to anyone. Only go if you think it will give you closure. If it’s for anyone else, it’s not worth your time or energy. Hugs. This is a hard thing to go through even in the best of circumstances. Sending you love and peace.

One woman who identifies herself as the aunt of adoptees said clearly – Children do not “owe” their parents or caregivers anything. Ever. Especially in cases of abuse. The people who raised you certainly weren’t “care givers”. Only consider what is best for you in the short and long term. I’m sorry you’re having to face this. Be kind to yourself.

An adoptee writes – I had no natural parents either, was abused by my adoptive parents too. I cared for one for twenty years, am divided now on how smart that was. In hindsight? I’d say spare yourself. Wishing you all health and happiness whichever choice you make.

Another foster parent wrote – toxic is toxic. Unfortunately that means family too. For me personally, it doesn’t matter if it’s birth family, adoptive family, chosen family or forced…. Toxic is toxic and you owe NO ONE a reason for removing that from your life. You do what works for YOU and do not allow others to manipulate you into feeling things that aren’t yours to carry.

A hospice nurse was quoted as saying – “no one is owed your forgiveness, your love or your physical presence. Impending death does not change that in the slightest”.

Another adoptee writes – You went no contact for a reason. Honor yourself and your feelings, and only do what you feel is the right thing to do, not what other people thing is the right thing. A diagnosis doesn’t suddenly absolve someone from the horrible things they’ve done. Being on death’s door doesn’t suddenly absolve someone from the horrible things they’ve done. No one owes anyone an apology for any reason if they don’t want to give one.

Another adoptee offered a good analogy – You don’t have to care and you don’t have to care that you don’t care. Would you make friends with a bee that stung you in the eye every once in a while?! Give it a home? A place in your heart? Dedicate time and energy to it’s well being? It only stings your eye every once in a while…

Another adoptee suggested these self examination questions – Consider why you went no contact and how you’ve been since. Have you been at peace or had serious regrets? Have you ever attempted/thought about attempting a reconciliation because it was something you ideally would want? Do you think it’s something that could reasonably happen? If the answer is yes, then maybe consider it. If this isn’t the case, it’s ok not to pursue this. Decisions have consequences. You aren’t responsible for relieving the consequences of someone else’s hurtful behavior just because their time is running out and it would make them feel better. Don’t let external attempts at manipulation influence you. If you’ll feel guilty for not attempting a reconciliation, that is completely different from attempting a reconciliation to prevent others from trying to make you feel guilty.

And this important point to consider from another adoptee – dementia takes the filters off. There’s a chance she may be even crueler than you remember. She might not be, but it’s not a risk worth taking. If you can’t be in contact with her when she’s coherent, you shouldn’t be guilted into contact when she’s got even less self-control.

This self-assessment had leapt out at me also – I hope you are in therapy and I really encourage you to challenge the concept that “no one else wanted you”. That phrase feels like a knife to the heart, you deserved better and whoever said that to you or instilled that belief was grooming you to accept crappy behavior from people who were supposed to love and protect you.

More than one adoptee admitted to being no contact and estranged from their adoptive parents due to reasons of perceived abuse – having feelings such as doubt, guilt, and obligation are common in estrangement situations, and especially in adopted people.

Stigma Isn’t The Issue

If I had never learned about the trauma of separating a mother from the baby she has carried in her womb, I would have more support for surrogacy. Because I have learned about this (as part of my own journey coming to terms with all of the adoptions that are part of my immediate family’s experiences) I cannot condone it.

A woman recently posted a very compelling op-ed to The Washington Post about why surrogacy became necessary for her. First of all, she does have a child. She writes that she is a genetic carrier of HY-restricting HLA class II alleles and goes on to explain that this means her son’s Y chromosome lingers and attacks all subsequent pregnancies. In essence, she had this small genetic component and she gave birth to a boy. From then on, her odds of successfully carrying another child became slim to none. Her husband and she found they could create an embryo, but her body could not carry it. So the couple started down the rabbit hole of surrogacy.

My own sister-in-law did eventually become a parent by surrogacy. I am happy for my brother-in-law that he has a son. I also know there is a deep subconscious issue that they are unlikely aware of. In our family, we were not supportive of this couple becoming parents because the woman always was a basketcase full of all kinds of psychotropic drugs. They also acted as though creating a child was simply creating another possession and intended to have a nanny after the baby was born. And they did but she didn’t last long and my brother-in-law has ended up the primary caregiver for this young boy.

A developing fetus is constantly bonding with the mother in who’s womb the infant is growing. That bonding process continues after birth for months/years into the young child’s life. The case described in this op-ed is of a surrogate who is carrying twins for this couple. There is a definite bond between twins and multiples. Maybe that will help but will not entirely remove the wounds of losing their gestational mother.

One can argue that genes matter and I know this. I assume the soon to be parents do have a genetic connection to these twins based on other details in the op-ed. However, there is more to this situation than genes alone.

I do not wish any child to be stigmatized because of the details of their conception. I have a lot of personal compassion for that issue. This woman admits that surrogacy is more political than she realized but I know she still doesn’t realize the full import of their choice. She admits to knowing that there is an array of advocates trying to end surrogacy on a national level. I understand why.