A Selfless Act Of Love ?

An adoptee asks – does anyone else get really annoyed when people say “adoption is the most selfless act of love” ? Because no ? I think the most unselfish thing for my biological mom to have done would have been to get her life together, so she could parent her child. And I think the most unselfish thing my adoptive parents (and the Div of Family and Child Services) could have done would be to HELP my biological mom get it together, so she could parent her child. I think it was pretty selfish for my biological mom to just give in and give up because SHE couldn’t get it together for a child she created. And I think it’s pretty selfish of my adoptive parents to just take me, no questions asked, because they wanted to. I don’t know. Nothing about my adoption was selfless. None of it was centered around my best interests. I’m just really angry about it today.

One adoptee responds – As a teenager I had the feeling of “why wasn’t I enough” every so often. But when I met my biological family at 18, I was sooo thankful I was adopted. Absolute disgusting trash of a family. My adopted mom may not be perfect but it definitely made me more grateful for her vs what I could’ve grown up in. I think everyone has their own perspectives. Sometimes it is selfless, because the biological family is in no place to raise a kid. Does it suck? Yes. But in my case, I’m thankful I was taken by the state and adopted out.

Another adoptee notes – I met my birth mother who was a POS that gave two of us up separately. I’m glad I wasn’t raised by her, but that in no way negates me losing all my family, my identity, my vital medical info & updates, my background info, potential relationships, not meeting family who have passed, and suffering the trauma of all that & family separation.

Another person says the truth – It is simply something said to make adoption presentable. It’s gross the way words are used – twisted and weaved – to make the idea of something dreadful and repulsive into something lovely and desirable.

A mother of loss shares her own experience – For me it wasn’t a matter of “not getting my shit together”, it was having people actively working against me, preventing me from getting information and resources that I was either legally entitled to or that it was standard practice to provide. There was absolutely no part of me that did not want my child, but between the constant messages of “if you truly love the baby you’ll do this” and “if you don’t do this we’ll take away any bit of choice you do have”, had I been given the chance to “get my life together”, I absolutely would have, but I was denied that chance.

One who was placed with relatives shares – My mother wasn’t abusive, but wasn’t fully functioning either. She’d been raped to conceive me, and she wanted to leave her cheating husband. Her parents flat refused to help. They themselves called Child Protective Services on her and reported her as neglectful and homeless, because they wouldn’t let her move back home with my sister and me. My sister’s uncle ended up taking me in, because the judge wouldn’t give us back to our mother. (Her dad took her.) She didn’t voluntarily give us up, but she did give up fighting for us and moved away from all the thoughts and memories. The people who took me in played house until their own children were born. Then, they emotionally used me as their surrogate and discarded me as a daughter. They could’ve worked to reach out to her and see if she had her stuff together and could raise me.

Another adoptee shares – My adoption was open and I saw the life my birth mom had vs the life I had with my adoptive parents. I do believe it was selfless. I wouldn’t change my situation. My birth mom and I have a relationship now. I have a great relationship with my adoptive parents. She did what she felt was best and I agree. I respect her for it. It was her choice and it was selfless in my opinion.

Sadly, this adoptee had an unhappy experience – I am so glad I was adopted. Yes, I do have resentment towards my adoptive parents for some of the decisions that were made in raising me and with how they handled my adoption. But I did reach out and try to establish a relationship with my birth mother. I wish I never would have because she completely destroyed my life. It took years for me to even begin to come back from what she did. And that’s not even touching on the emotional toll I still have to deal with.

Another one shares – No one offered my biological mom help or support. She was a teenager in foster care with no help. She had no choice. No one would help her or support her. So she did the only thing she could do because she clearly couldn’t take care of me. She had no job, no home, no way to take care of me, no support – nothing. I don’t blame my biological mom since I learned the whole truth. She was a child.

This same woman (from above) is raising her cousin’s daughter and her story is – to me – a genuine selfless act of love – my cousin asked me to adopt her daughter because she was struggling with drug addiction. I was just shocked and in disbelief. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She told me that she didn’t want her daughter to end up in the system. I met with her the next day and brought her EVERY RESOURCE I knew of in the area. Coincidently, I worked for the area and knew all the resources for moms who were using while pregnant. My FIRST RESPONSE was to run to her, hug her and tell her this is not your only choice. Let me help you. I can get you into treatment and you can stay with your baby at these places. I know the owners, I can get you in. Plus other resources. I explained to her my adoption trauma and how I would never wish that for anyone. I gave her all the resources and told her I wanted her to look at them. Like really look at them. I would support her however I could, even taking placement until she got on her feet. Several weeks later, she said she still wanted to give her daughter to me and she wants me to adopt her vs guardianship because she doesn’t want Child Protective Services in her life – EVER – which would happen, even if her daughter wasn’t in her custody. So eventually, I agreed on one condition… she stays in her daughter’s life… she was so thankful and grateful. We talk almost everyday. She’s that girl’s mama and always will be.

Another adoptee admits – I think the most selfless thing my first mother could have done would be having an abortion instead of birthing me. My siblings feel similarly (both those kept and those relinquished). And taking a baby and pretending it’s yours, so you can play house and pretend to be its parent, is not selfless to me.

An adoptee struggles with the trope as well – I struggle with the selfless narrative, we hear as well (and some of us are) mothers who you couldn’t pry away from our children, we’d do any and everything to keep them and do our best by our children. Giving your kid away is the opposite, letting someone else worry about feeding, clothing and raising them isn’t selfless, it’s selfish. The adoptive parents rushing in isn’t selfless, they’re selfishly taking someone else’s child.

And there was this compassionate response – My birth mother was gang raped (I found this out a couple years ago). I was conceived pre-Roe v Wade. She didn’t have a choice, unless she wanted to get a back alley abortion. So, what you’re saying is she is supposed to raise me & live that rape everyday ? I’ve always been very pro choice , so give women a right to have an abortion & fight for it!! If the current administration coming in has its way, there’s going to be lots more women & children in my situation & that makes me very angry!!

From another adoptee – I hate hearing it. Because it makes it seem beautiful that I was abandoned. Which it was not. It’s the greatest wound of my life. What would’ve been beautiful would’ve been the adoption agents actually helping my relatives somehow. Not forcing my mother to sign papers, so I could be shipped abroad. Nothing about it feels selfless. It feels wrong and so sad. While I love my adoptive parents, I hate what happened for me to get here.

And this reality check – If giving up a child is “loving, brave and selfless,” does that mean parents who keep and raise their own children are “unloving, cowardly and merciless?”

And this happens to other mothers of loss – It WAS selfish of me. Adoption offered all these perfect “answers” to allllllll the “problems” that faced me. And since I was given the opportunity to become a living embodiment of a “family building angel” I ate it up. As horrible as it is, I must admit that it felt good to be told I was smart and wise and strong and selfless. I was desperate for that validation and acknowledgment from anyone in my life and of course only the agency offered it. I drank it up. And came home from relinquishing believing in some innate goodness. Which is probably one of the things that kept me alive in the dark times after. I didn’t have to face his father. I didn’t have to face my family. I didn’t have to hear the whispers and gossip ( that existed in my head.. in reality no one would have cared in a few months. So what? I spared myself a few months if discomfit?) I didn’t have to alter my life plans. I didn’t have to even try. And not to end this on a defensive note, but as a kindness to my younger self, she also didn’t know. She didn’t know at 19 that we had a strength within us that would be able to achieve great things in this lifetime. I had no idea what I was capable of and no idea that it wasn’t what they promised it would be. I knew I would hurt and I was willing to take it for the greater good. So I forgive myself and offer grace for what we didn’t know. But it was still a terrible mistake. And yes, indeed a root in selfishness and self preservation. Relinquishment is a desperate act based on survival built on faulty lies as a foundation.

Just one last one – Angry with my adoptive mother – yes. Towards my adoptive father I feel differently because he fostered my relationship with my biological family after my adoptive parents divorced. He never stopped being my bestie and a driving force in my positive mental health. I never was able to fill the shoes my adoptive mother had in her fantasies. I frequently find myself angry about it and found her to be VERY selfish. My biological grandmother gave me away, without my biological mother’s consent.

Giving Your Child Away

An adoptee asks – I wonder if it would make a difference if instead of ‘giving up for adoption’, it was changed to ‘giving your child away’? One person noted – “A pig wearing lipstick is still a pig.”

A mother of loss writes – The language is controlled by those who have the power, ie the adoption industry… That’s why everything is a euphemism and double speak. Of course, if it was called “giving your child away to strangers and causing them trauma” – we would never be able to be convinced it was the best for them.

Another adoptee writes – I was not “given up for adoption”…. I was “abandoned.” Nobody would’ve cared to find out what happened to me. In response, someone else writes – “There’s active trauma and inactive trauma. At before the active trauma of adoptee occurs, there’s the inactive trauma of abandonment.. I was removed as a teen and it makes me wonder if I had told earlier then I might have a different label. I’m not a former foster care youth or an adoptee because the system never found me a new home. ‘Abandoned and at risk for homelessness’ [I was homeless]. I tell myself it’s a blessing in disguise, but I feel abandoned twice – by both my mother and again by the system.”

Another mother of loss due to coercion writes – I think depending on the way it is said is what allows people to understand circumstances… I could say “my child was stolen/taken” that relates to coercion/manipulation or kidnapping that CPS (Child Protective Services/Div of Child and Family Services) likes to partake in (which is what happened to me, I was coerced). I could say “I gave my child up for adoption” that relates to willingly having my child adopted for whatever reason. I could say “my child was adopted” that could mean anything. like neglect, CPS involvement, kinship adoption, regular private adoption, foster to adopt situation without CPS involvement, anything…

A former foster care youth shares – I don’t know for sure if it would. I always said I was thrown away because my parents willingly signed me over when I was 14. Whenever I approach them about what they put me through, they brush me off and avoid the subject. I think a lot of people knew exactly what they were doing, and just didn’t care. Even so, there are circumstances where it’s an understandable decision, don’t get me wrong.

One person notes – In most jurisdiction, “abandonment” of a child is a crime. Relinquishment procedures legalize this crime. It would change a lot if we do away with the relinquishment process.

One adoptee writes – I always tell people I was sold and then people get all hurt about it. It’s really not far off…. my aunt offered to take me in, my biological mom agreed but then, ran off. Next thing my aunt heard is I was adopted and my biological mom got a lot out of it.

Another mother of loss shares – I tell people “I was not allowed to parent my child and lost her to adoption”.

A birth mother admits – Every situation is so different. I think the phrases that are used aren’t accurately interchangeable. In my case, I feel the phrase “sacrificed motherhood” is most accurate. However I know other first/birth mothers that “giving up” is more accurate. I’m positive that some would fall under that category… “giving your child away” would be most appropriate. In my experience with connecting with mothers like myself, I find that the most predominant issues that lead to adoption is fear, low self esteem, religious intolerance (groomed from religious indoctrination that is adoptive agency predatory), outright manipulation, and early childhood abuse that leads to the adoption paradigm.

One adoptee shares – I was not given up for adoption. I was taken by my grandmother against my mother’s will and given away to punish her for getting pregnant at 14. Oh, and she made her birth me vaginally without medication for the same reason. And my brother (trans-racial South Korean adoptee) was straight up fucking kidnapped and sold across the world by his pos biological dad. He found his birth mother 3 years ago through a 30 year old missing child poster. Another person replied to that – “I wouldn’t even call myself an adoptee. I would say human trafficking survivor, because that is insane… reminds me of another person I know who had something illegal and similar happen to them.”

One adoptee suggested the sentence – “Letting your child be raised by strangers”. Yet another adoptee writes – I tell people I was sold to the highest bidder. Essentially how it feels. I spent years being told that I was rescued from a life of poverty, and I should have been grateful. As an adult, I realized I was raised by a person who had more money but didn’t love me. My birth parents had a modest living and lots of love for me.

A first mom notes – I did not give my son away – he was taken from me without my consent!

To which another first mom (NM) really gets into it all – we don’t “give” our children away freely. Our child is also not a “gift”. “Give up” is another way of saying “surrender”. Surrender is the final, hopeless act of “the defeated enemy” who has been relentlessly attacked during warfare. “The defeated enemy” surrenders by raising a white flag to beg for mercy, to signal their hopeless defeat with dejected humiliation and a hung head. Make no mistake: birth mothers are treated as the enemy. They are told in no uncertain terms that they are “the enemy” to their own child and that strangers will be “better” for the child. Single moms, especially BIPOC moms are policed by foster care and society in a truly heartless and relentless way. Infant adoption agency “social workers” are paid handsomely to covertly wage war on a vulnerable mom. They present themselves as compassionate help, while secretly and tactically convincing her to “freely relinquish” her rights. Maybe change the language to “Adoptive Parents” (AP) pay people to “shake down” and “intimidate” vulnerable, young, poor women in crisis, and they “extort” a baby from her in exchange for its “protection”. Agencies have tactical manuals that have been developed over years of trial and error and are filled with marketing language that helps them wage this war. The primary objective of an agency is separation and destruction of the first family— for their own financial gain. They are mercenaries, paid by adoptive parents. Sometimes these agents believe their own lies— they see the birth mom as a dangerous enemy to her own child, and they imagine themselves as a savior to that child. Usually, APs never see how their dollars fuel this attack, this warfare, on the first family. They just thank the lord that somehow “fate” delivers them an “abandoned baby” who was “destined” to be theirs. And no one addresses the hallow, rubble of a mess left after the NM holds her baby in the air and says “Stop – Please for the sake of the baby – please make them safe.” Once a mother is stripped of her child, there is literally nothing left in her life. I left the hospital and felt like a bag full of crushed glass. Every step I took, I felt like people could surely hear the noise of broken shards shaking around inside of me. I was shattered, and hallow, and utterly alone in the rubble of my defeat. I did give up. I didn’t fight hard enough. I was alone in the aftermath; but many many many people walked alongside me to bully me into that outcome. I say it over and over and over again: it takes a village to raise a child… but it also takes an entire village to separate a mother from her child. Judges, lawyers, doctors, nurses, my own family, my friends all contributed to the final outcome: my surrender. Are there moms who literally abandon their children? Yes. But they are a rare exception. Most birth moms who “give” our baby to another family via domestic infant adoption (DIA) are victims of strategic warfare that extracts a “valuable resource” and coerces a vulnerable person to “freely surrender” that resource, so they can turn around and sell it for a very high price. The entire DIA Adoption industry is built around selling children to the highest bidder (APs). Maybe change the language to: NMs “lose their child” to heartless grifters and child traffickers disguised as “social servants”. And start calling APs what they are: purchasers who fuel a “blood diamonds” of baby trafficking. And start calling adoption agencies what they are: the morphia, grifters, child traffickers.

A Connection With Mom

From an adoptee – this is exactly how I’ve felt my whole life. Then, when I did get pregnant, this is what it felt like in the opposite way with my son inside me. He’s the first person I’ve ever met related to me and it’s such an awesome feeling. Biology matters!

A trans-racial adoptee affirms – this speaks so much. We are tied to our birth mother, even when we are given up at birth.

Another adoptee writes – It definitely resonates with me. Whether in reunion or not, we are always tied to our mothers.

A mother who relinquished due to coercion writes – Very much connected and bonded to my kiddo before he was born. Which is why the coercion comes into play. They want to sever that connection as long and as much as possible by messing with your brain so you sign those papers.

One adoptee shared the image above, saying – this highlights the depth of loss from the child’s perspective. If you can’t get them to care about the mother, maybe they’ll at least care about the impact separation has on the child.

One adoptee shared – My mom quoted a poem she read in an Ann Landers Column “I didn’t grow you under my heart but in it”. Blogger’s note – In trying to check this out, I found it was actually by LINK>Fleur Conkling Heyliger and relates to having adopted a child. The “mom” was likely her adoptive mother, not her birth mother. I suppose either Ann Landers was a more well-known name or that she actually did share this in a column but I couldn’t prove that. Another adoptee pushed back – except we grew in our Mother’s womb, just like everyone else. That poem is for an adoptive parents benefit.

Another adoptee regarding the drawing at the top of this blog wrote – The deep, lasting connection to our mothers wordlessly and clearly expressed. I like it a lot.

A mother of loss shares – This is why, when I first talked to my son at 30 years old, he said talking to me was so easy, it’s like he had known me forever. It’s a string that should never be broken.

One person shared her first reaction to the drawing at the top of this blog – when I first saw this, I immediately thought it was pro life propaganda. An adoptee admitted – I did too, but only for a flash – the heartbeat thing. Then my adoptee kicked in and I saw something else.

Another adoptee goes full in with a long comment – I think that no matter what – a child is always connected to their mother. They grew inside them, they are the one that gave them life. Their mother felt them grow and move inside their body and that connection is unmatched to any other sort of connection.

The drawing was shared because it relates to a specific situation and so, she elaborates on that – A minor being forced or pressured to give their child up for adoption would be such a devastating loss, especially if this is how the mom feels about her baby. The worst loss anyone can feel is the loss of a child and then, next the loss of a parent. Imagine trying to grieve that loss but knowing they are still alive.

You know you are still connected by that red string of fate but it was cut by adults who felt like they knew more or better than you did. I couldn’t imagine that feeling of emptiness or loneliness. I would anticipate the mother going into an emotional spiral if that was to happen.

I’m not sure exactly the situation with this young mom but Child Protective Services can and will support this young mom with this child. She DOES NOT need to give her child up for adoption. She needs a voice and an advocate to support her, to help her have a voice and be heard in a system that won’t hear her wants. She needs one person. One strong person to support her and advocate for her and support her in this journey and let her know that she can keep her baby with the help of a village. It won’t be easy, it’s going to be extremely hard. But it’s clear she wants to parent. She sees a future with her child and she should be given an opportunity to do that.

Kept Sibling Issues

An adoptive mother shares – My adopted daughter recently found her biological mom and 3 half and kept biological siblings. The mom and my daughter are overjoyed, the siblings not so much. They saw their mom at her worst addicted stages, yet were not taken because they were over and or just at age 18 when new baby (my daughter) was taken by Child Protective Services. They are now in their 30s, my daughter is 16. Bio mom is recovered and is loving and thrilled my daughter is in contact. The siblings who live with or near bio mom are not happy my daughter is now in their life. They are sad she has traveled and been to Disney, is licensed and has a car to use (they have none of that), and they can’t believe she is looking at college. Mine is upset that they got to live with their mom, have pictures all over the walls, etc. They reply their lives resembled Shameless and now my daughter has the mom who is involved, loving and sober. Her biological mom and my daughter want lots of contact but the rift with the siblings seems to grow. There is a birthday party for the biological grandma next weekend and I’m starting to wonder if she should attend, though there is no question both her mom and she want to be there. I don’t want to cause anyone more hurt or problems, though I am very happy my daughter and her biological mom have found each other. Thoughts?

One person writes – I understand that the siblings are in enormous amount of pain because of their lost childhood and trauma, so maybe they need time to process it. The siblings probably don’t hate their sibling but are bitter about their own situation and things they had to go through. But also, they should understand that the daughter is also a part of the family, and the daughter has every right to choose whether she wants to attend the birthday party or not, independent from anyone else’s opinions. And that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side either. I couldn’t imagine being bitter at my siblings because they got fostered to safety.

An adoptee suggests – Her siblings and biological mom need their own therapy together to work through their issues. Your daughter didn’t ask for any of this, so she should not be taking any blame or punishment for her siblings feelings. That is between them and the biological mom. Your daughter should take the lead and go to the party, if she wants to!

A Mother of Loss says – You let her take the lead. This is her family. She gets to make the decisions. Be there for her. The siblings will adjust, and if they don’t – so what.

Another adoptive mother advises – I completely understand where you are coming from and you can discuss your worries but kindly, these aren’t your relationships. You aren’t causing hurts nor navigating these situations and you need to not micromanage what is going on. Your daughter needs to figure out how to make these work or not – you be a shoulder and a sounding board.

From another adoptee – about kept sibling resentment – her siblings will either get over it or they won’t. There’s enough of an age gap there that it probably won’t make much of a difference to your daughter at all to be honest. The main relationship is going to be with her mother anyway. If she wants to go to the party, she should go. If she feels uncomfortable or if she is concerned for her safety should she attend, maybe she can go with her mother and see her grandmother for her birthday at another time. Note that I stressed HER concerns. She’s 16. By all means, be friendly with her mother. But this is her relationship, not yours. She gets to decide how it goes.

Struggling With Forgiveness

A woman writes – I’ve been struggling lately being adopted. I’m glad I was removed from the situation I was in, but I’m struggling with forgiving my birth mom. Am I wrong for not wanting anything to do with her? My feelings have gotten stronger since I had my child and even though I debated putting him up for adoption at one point (because I was in a really bad financial situation) I struggle with understanding why I wasn’t enough to make her get herself together and be a mom.

Am I wrong for not forgiving her? And for being bitter about it?

I understand a lot of parents do what they think is best or they were coerced, but the state gave her multiple chances and resources to help her be a mom. Even long before we were removed from her care, then they gave her a chance for 3 years to get her life back on track. I’ve read the reports, so I know what happened and I feel anger towards her for it.

An adoptee responded – As an adoptee, I get it. I also considered placing my baby, because of financial reasons, but didn’t, so I feel you. I’m in a successful and happy reunion, but I get you. You don’t owe anyone anything. You are entitled to your very valid feelings. And now that you are an adult, you and only you get to make the choices that are right for you. And you get to build a beautiful life for your own child. And you don’t owe her anything. Nothing. It’s really okay.

From another adoptee – You are not wrong and you are enough. The decision to not do the work necessary is 100% on her.

From an adoptee who also spent time in foster care – My adopted mom (who I didn’t know wasn’t my biological mom as a child) couldn’t keep her act together enough to keep Child Protective Services from removing me. So I feel very similarly to you. I also have anger towards my birth mother for allowing such an awful person to adopt me. I don’t speak to either of them and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. You don’t owe anyone your forgiveness and your feelings are valid.

Another adoptee with a similar background to the one above – I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused for 11 years with my biological mom. She would leave us for days to go on benders. I was allowed to continue contact with her and my foster parents always facilitated that, if we wanted it. I decided voluntarily to cut ties with my biological mom at 12, when I was finally adopted after 11 years of back and forth, and failed reunification attempts. After my biological dad died, even though they weren’t together, I decided to try to reconnect with her. She cursed me out because I wouldn’t tell her where my dad’s funeral service would be. I didn’t want her name attached to me. This was the day after he died. I was 18. I haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I don’t want to look like her. I don’t want her to ever know if I have my own children. I don’t want to speak to her. And no, I do not feel bad at all about it. I’ve resolved it in myself. I know exactly what happened – I lived it. Painting foster/adoption with a broad brush is dangerous, as not everyone’s experience is the same and not all kids have a biological option to turn to. I did not. I am forever grateful that I am adopted. It was after 11 years of meth-addled Dept of Family and Child Services visits, neglect, abuse, and psychological trauma. I’ll never finish undoing what she did to me. Some folks do not deserve kids. That’s my truth and I won’t let anyone make me feel bad for it.

She also expresses appreciation for her foster parents who fostered 45 kids during their lifetime and only adopted 3 of us. Two of us are biologically related (me and my half-brother, who entered care, after I had already been placed with them for 8 years. They had guardianship of me and then took him, when he entered care, because it was what was best for us – to have the presence of a biological sibling). The third child, they had from the time he was 2 days old and his biological mom requested they adopt him because she was serving a 10 year sentence in prison and had nobody to take him. She said she would only do it, if she adopted him. They did many things most foster parents would never dream of doing.

What Would You Do?

When our sons were young, I used to worry about someone taking them away due to someone reporting that we were somehow negligent. Thankfully, it never happened. Today’s story asks the question – What would you do ? – to a situation that is upsetting this person.

We’ve lived in our apartment for almost a year. Our next door neighbors have two girls, I’d guess they’re about 2 and 4 years old. Babies. We’ve seen the kids outside and have never actually seen marks on them, but I’m listening to mom and dad absolutely terrorize these children on an almost daily basis. Violent, angry, frightening screams. Like, horrific. Cursing and threatening, slamming things, possibly hitting with the way the girls will shriek. It’s overwhelming, it scares me, and it devastates me to hear these little girls be treated like this. What would you do ? I know that 99% of the time Child Protective Services makes things worse for the kids, but… I don’t know. It’s emotional warfare over there at BEST, it’s a regular occurrence, and the parents seem to feel no remorse.

Some “informed” responses – considering what IS better ? One says “You report it. This isn’t a case of poverty. Suffering abuse is not better than living in foster care.” To which, another’s response is – “They’re more likely to suffer abuse in foster care.” And then this interesting and likely honest perspective – “When a kid, whose own parents abused him, has lost trust in adults. No further manipulation into silence necessary.” Yet another speaks to their own lived experience – “I wish I had been put into foster care compared to the abuse I endured at home. It’s not always true that foster care is worse.”

Then this interesting suggestion to “step back” – “I guess my first question would be how do you know what’s towards the children ? My oldest listens to a lot of music that may sound like people are screaming at each other. When they’re listening to it, they may hit their hand on the table or the wall. That’s just how they deal with their pain. Nobody’s being abused. That’s just how they cope. Probably from the outside looking in, it would sound like somebody is being abused.” The one who originally asks then admits – “I’m probably just going to keep trying to build a friendship with the mom. I know foster care can be horrific. The last thing I want to do is to put those little girls in a worse situation than they already are.” So it was suggested – “Can you babysit the kids to help relieve stress? Maybe you tell them you miss your niece or a cousin or kids used to babysit for etc. and you wouldn’t mind helping them?” The one who originally asked is appreciative – “I think that’s an incredible idea. I’ve spoken to the mom before about her relationship with the father when I witnessed him act aggressively towards her, I’m thinking I can work harder to develop a friendship with her and then see where I can help from there.”

Many people would feel a similar conflict – “That’s a hard one. I don’t know. Maybe find a way to have a causal conversation with them and ask if maybe they need some help with the kids ? Maybe they get overwhelmed and have no help ? But then again, hearing that, I don’t know if I would dare to get involved and have them think you’re sticking your nose in, where it doesn’t belong and just causes them to be more hateful. I don’t say that believing that’s what you’re doing, I’m trying to think from their perspective and what they might think and how they might react. (I’m an over thinker and tend to think of every scenario.) I just wouldn’t want to do anything to make it worse for the kids. Boy, that’s a hard situation.”

Ending it on this note from the original poster – “Most people who have never experienced the system are a bit quick to report any and everything. This isn’t about punishing the parents. Reunification / rehabilitation / support should be the point. There’s no easy black and white answer. These are two very real little lives that are going to be greatly impacted no matter what happens next. I’m asking for insight on what will do the least amount of damage.”

How Did It Happen To You ?

In a group I am part of, a mother asked – Is there any birth parents in here that didn’t want to do adoption and was forced into the decision and in a way destroyed them and need some support ? I’m trying to find someone similar to my situation as there’s no support groups.

Some responses – The Dept of Human Services stole my kids when they were younger. Another woman notes – my grandson was stolen too.

One woman notes a handful of support groups that she is aware of on Facebook – “Birth Moms Support Group”, “Birth Moms Today”, “Find Birth Parents, Siblings, Adoptees and Family”, “Birth Mothers Support Group” and “Caring for Birthmothers Support Group”. To which the woman who first asked responds – I mean yes but not Child Protective Services (CPS) related or parents who had many years to raise said child. For me, it wasn’t a choice. I mean I’ve been looking but nothing seems to fit my actual situation. I haven’t found a single parent until I made this post.

One adoptee noted that the mother would be hard pressed to find sympathy there, especially from the adoptee members. There are other groups that might be more understanding.

Another suggested – “Birth Moms Broken” or “Birth Moms Forced Adoption”. When someone else suggested – Just type in ‘ birth parents support group’. Several options come up. Another woman shared – you have to be careful. I left one when I found out they have agency workers in there.

One suggested a group that I have a lot of appreciation for LINK>Saving Our Sisters. She also suggested Anti-CPS groups, saying that “there’s more than you may realize”. The woman who first asked rejects Anti-CPS groups because they are mostly about CPS cases. To which someone else responds – I don’t think you realize how much you are in the same boat with parents fighting with CPS. They are coerced into signing their rights away. Most of those cases are against low income parents who were not guilty of abuse and who don’t have the financial means to hire a good attorney. She then suggests – Another one that comes to mind is “Concerned United Birthparents”. My thought process has always been that if there were more unity, instead of focus on the differences, more could get changed.

Here’s one who had the experience – They made the decision for me. They separated us all. I had a high fever in November of 2015. The teacher got my daughter. Div of Children and Families some Academy School teachers wanted my children. I was labeled delusional due to my fever which was 103.3 to 104 degrees for 3 weeks. They had zero mercy.

The woman who first asked shares more – the foster parents had it out for me. They worked in the same office my case was out of and I was pushed into a corner, where I felt I had no choice. Everyone told me that if I didn’t, then it wouldn’t stop. That this was better.

Someone else shares – My girls got totally screwed being adopted. I thought I was doing the right thing but in the end, it was terrible for them…they got molested and the adopted mother covered it up. She had 14 kids that the state let her adopt. All of them. She made good money on that. To this day, she doesn’t take the younger kids to the doctor, feeds them crap food that’s not good for them . . . the list goes on and on. The things they did to my babies !

A couple of other support group suggestions – Adoption Knowledge Affiliates and National Association of Adoptees and Parents.

Kindness Matters

A woman shares how exposure to some of the understandings that I often share in this blog made a difference for one family.

There had been a family of 6 (and the mom was pregnant, so really 7 of them) living in a van. For quite a while I brought them things- mostly food and pull ups/wipes (4 kids under 6 years old). The mom would ghost me sometimes and then message me again with needs, which I would fulfill.

My coworkers told me multiple times to report the family to Child Protective Services due to the children living in the car. Because of this (all things adoption) group and all your emotional labor, I didn’t. I was very worried about the kids being taken from their loving mother.

The story is long but ends like this- the mom left her abusive boyfriend (I didn’t know he was abusive), was able to get a grant through community resources and now has an apartment with her 5 children. She gets free childcare so she can work. It’s so beautiful.

I look back and am soooooo thankful to this (all things adoption) group. I really would have thought removing those children from their mom would have been best for them. It clearly would have been awful, and their story has turned into something beautiful. Your time, words, emotional labor- it does help. Thank you, thank you.

About That Gap

When Child Protective Services (CPS) separates children from their family – a massive trauma is created in these children. Some people will say – “some parents are too harmful for their child to stay with them”. Understandably, those parents end up on the news. Those stories stick with you and legitimize the actions of CPS because these people are some sort of monsters.

Those people don’t realize that there’s a huge gap between “under-resourced parent” and “monster”, when we’re having conversations about family preservation.

Of course, we should always keep kids away from the “monsters” aka truly dangerous caregivers. But we also need to invest resources differently from how we’re currently doing it for all the rest of the cases where the parents need support to be the parents their children need.

The outcomes of foster care are FAR too dismal to justify the continued usage of the program the way it’s being done now. If removing kids from homes was such a positive thing, then a majority of them would be thriving members of the community, instead of having the high rates of harm they experience.

Please realize that those truly dangerous parents are only a fraction of the families who get torn apart by CPS.

One person shares – “My husband put it in perfect perspective for me a few years ago when he first saw a picture of me at about 18 months old (he already kinda knew the story). Flat out said “oh yeah! Blonde hair, blue eyes, mom didn’t have much of anything, dad wasn’t in the picture. You were prime real estate to be taken and sold”. blogger’s note – Exactly, my own mother’s pre-adoption story.

Picture of my mom at 6 months of age before she was adopted. Her mother was exploited by Georgia Tann for exactly the reasons that woman’s husband identified – “Blonde hair, blue eyes, mom didn’t have much of anything, dad wasn’t in the picture.” – though they were married, I will never know why he left her at 4 months pregnant and didn’t return after she gave birth to my mom and returned to Memphis from Virginia (where she was sent after he left her, to give birth out of the view of the family’s local neighbors).

A Mother Never Really Forgets

Today’s story – I am in my 30s. When I was a teen I lost two infants to child protective services (CPS). Despite working their program, they terminated my rights to both. Both were adopted by separate foster families. I have more children now that I raise 100%, and no worries or issues with CPS.

My question is, would it be weird to print off pictures of my first two children and hang them up ? I do not have relationships with either family, per their choice. I speak of them frequently to my younger kids and they know age appropriate explanations about the situation. I have had no contact with my first two kids in over 10 years, however I have found a way to view recent pictures. Would that be weird to “steal” these photos to print off ? I have tough skin so if it is, tell me please.

Not sure that it matters but I am also an adopted child, former foster child.

The responses were generally supportive – I feel like you should do whatever your heart is telling you. When I found my birth mother and later her son, I was happy to know that she had told him about me.

Another shared – My bio mom “stole” photos of me, after she found my socials and before she ready/able to reach out. At first, I was maybe a little weirded out, but ultimately it meant a lot to me that I mean that much to her.

A mother of loss said – They’re still your kids, even though you don’t have legal parental rights; they deserve a place in your home, even if it’s just downloaded pictures from the internet.

An adoptee said – I don’t think it’s weird because you haven’t been allowed to develop a relationship where you could get pictures organically. At least this way, your other kids can see them. And you can see them.

Yet another adoptee said something similar – I don’t think it’s weird. I’d be cautious and don’t share them publicly…..I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. Hopefully they look for you as they get older.

A former foster care youth notes – If the pictures are viewable by you online, they’re accessible anyways. I say go for it! You have a right to love them.