Who’s Responsibility Is It ?

Today’s story – I’m a foster parent (blogger’s note – not my own). Currently two of my foster kids are pre-adoptive. There has been some frustration from the family towards me for not reaching out more to schedule plans. I don’t disagree- I’m not doing enough.

One response – Any situation in which someone is raising someone else’s children… THAT person is the one responsible for making plans and arranging meet ups and phone calls…. simple. You hold the power here. They are in a position where you can just disappear from their lives… they are at your mercy. You need to reach out. Every time. .. until you can make it COMFORTABLY known and fully understood by them that they are allowed to reach out to make plans and ask to see the kids…. even then, it’s still kinda your responsibility. They are at your mercy. Forever. So… you gotta keep it as a recurring calendar reminder or something. Reach out. Always. Once a week, same day, different day… whatever… you figure out. It’s on you.

Another suggested – Sit in your uncomfortableness with their assertiveness. It is not aggressiveness, its assertiveness. They have feelings and maybe they need you to be an ally for reuniting this family together. Ask them how you can help unite them more and leave your feelings out of it. Stop making it about you! Its not! It IS for them. Its their family. Its personal for them. Instead of standing in their way, grant them as much access as they want.

Another plainly states it – You hold all the power in this relationship. Of course they are upset that you aren’t maintaining the relationship. They probably don’t feel comfortable reaching out to make plans because they know you can cut them out anytime.

Going deeper, another person suggests – go back to the family for a little clarification on them wanting to take the kids but not being able to – does that possibly mean not being allowed to by Child Protective Services ? Check in with the family to see if your placement was somehow interfering with them being placed with family who might not be the state’s first choice because they might require welfare or food stamps or something more than you require in order to care for them. In that case, the state might have selected you because it benefits the state financially and that would be a real good reason for the family to be cranky. Just be sure that there is no stone left unturned for those kids possibly being able to be raised by their own family. It’s sad that adoption is so permanent because whatever obstacles they face in taking them in today might be resolved a few years down the line, but the kids lose that chance to go back to family once an adoption happens. If they remain fostered, that option would remain on the table.

An adoptee who has also functioned as a foster parent moderates by saying, I honestly feel like I can see both sides of this. They’re probably hurt they haven’t seen the kids as much as they would like but there’s a time and place to say things and in front of the children is not it (and that was part of the original post that the frustration was expressed in front of the kids). But I also know how crazy things can get with several kids, events, holidays etc and time goes by so quick that you didn’t even realize you forgot to reach out til it’s too late. I think the door goes both ways and they could’ve reach out kindly to you as well and let you know they’d like to include the children in their schedule. It doesn’t really make sense they’re too afraid to ask for time because they’re afraid you’ll cut them out but they’re not afraid to be rude to you (because that could also cut them off). I think there’s probably just a lot of raw feelings there and sometimes people say and do things when they’re upset without thinking it through. I’d explain things have been chaotic but you’d prefer that they approach you privately next time to not give the kids the wrong idea of everyone’s relationship or have little ears in adult conversations. Also let them know, that you’re more than willing to include the kids in their plans, if they reach out and let you know when, so they can be there for holidays/birthdays/events (and maybe that’ll help keep the bond from upset when you’re really busy and forget to reach out).

If I Wasn’t Poor . . .

Poverty and homelessness are associated with the break-up of families. A number of studies have documented that children in families who experience homelessness frequently become separated from their parents.
~ National Institutes of Health Study

From LINK>Human Rights Watch –
“If I Wasn’t Poor, I Wouldn’t Be Unfit”

It has been more than two years since Adaline Stephens’ six children were removed from her care and placed in the foster system. Her nightmare began on a night like any other. Her 9-year-old son, Elijah, was dancing in the kitchen and slipped on some water, injuring his hip. “I rushed him to the emergency room when he got hurt,” Adaline said. “The doctors asked me questions, and I told them everything. I trusted them to help him.” Adaline was shocked when she learned that her son’s medical providers reported her to child protective services for suspected abuse, triggering a cascade of state interventions that irreparably harmed her children and their family bond.

The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) launched an investigation. A caseworker visited the children’s school and pulled them from class to question them, came to the home unannounced, and randomly strip searched the children, ages 1, 4, 7, 9, and 10, to check their bodies for signs of abuse. Adaline said these visits were so frightening for her children that her youngest child began screaming every time she saw anyone with a badge.

Adaline was required to take a drug test, a requirement often—and disproportionally—imposed on Black mothers. She has scoliosis and spina bifida. Her doctor prescribed Percocet for the pain, but it was damaging her liver and stomach lining. “I made the decision to change to medical marijuana, which was better for my health,” she said. She tested positive for THC (the active substance in marijuana, and the chemical responsible for most of its psychological effects). “They stated that my marijuana usage rendered me incapable of providing 24-hour care to my children,” she said.

Adaline knew what was at stake. She was removed from her own parents’ care as a child and grew up in the foster system. Afraid that her children would be taken from her, Adaline agreed to six months of follow-up with the caseworker, weekly drug testing, and parenting classes, in exchange for keeping her children home with her.

In the meantime, Adaline gave birth to her youngest child. The birth was complicated because of her spinal conditions, and she had to use a wheelchair and walker for two months. During that time, she rescheduled one of Elijah’s follow-up appointments. Adaline said DCFS told her they found bed bugs in a couch and holes in the walls in of her home. (Blogger’s note – it is like they look for any excuse . . .)

Days before her case was set to be reviewed, Adaline was informed that a judge had ordered the children be removed from her custody due to the condition of the home and because she rescheduled her son’s appointment.

Her children, including her infant son, were removed from her care, separated from each other, and placed in foster homes. Four of the six children have experienced abuse in the foster system and are coping with serious mental health impacts, Adaline said. One of her sons had to be admitted to a mental health facility for inpatient care. The children remain in the foster system at time of writing, and Adaline is fighting to get them back.

“This situation has caused me so much pain, anger, and trauma from the separation from my children,” she said. “I just want my purpose back. I knew I wanted to be a mother and that’s all I ever knew how to do. Please help me and my kids.”

The truth is – One in three children in the United States will be part of a child welfare investigation by age 18. Every three minutes a child is removed from their home and placed in the foster system. Black children are almost twice as likely to experience investigations as white children and are more likely to be separated from their families. As a result, more than 200,000 children enter the foster system each year.

While the US child welfare system’s stated purpose is to improve child safety, permanency and well-being, and child welfare workers believe they are defending children’s rights to health and life, but too often system interventions too often unnecessarily disrupt family integrity and cause harm to the very children they aim to protect.

No Leniency

Sadly, it happens. A woman was sentenced to prison and is due to deliver in 6 weeks. She had hoped for leniency, but that didn’t happen. The minimum is a 15 year sentence, her earliest parole is 2031. She has no family who can take the baby (or be approved to take the baby) and she doesn’t know who the dad is. Her only option is foster care or adoption. She has been told by her attorney and by Child Protective Services (CPS) that CPS will need to sign off on any placement she picks. Due to her crimes and what happened, 99% of her friends have backed away from her, so there are no friends willing to take her baby. CPS will be notified the minute the baby is born and will take custody. She has a public defender for an attorney, admitted guilt and took a plea to get the minimum available.

One response – access to information is going to be the first step. Make certain she fully understands how her institutionalization will impact the kid’s systemic involvement. But you have to be up front and realistic. Once she is in the custody of the state, she has very minimal legal rights over the child because she’s classified as a dependent of the state and that’s always been their tool to remove or restrict civil rights and liberties from people. Her child will be adopted, if there are zero kin to step up for the baby. There’s not a state in the country that wouldn’t move for a termination of parental rights for an incarcerated parent with such a long sentence. This is a tragic situation where there are basically no options. Her rights will be terminated and the child will be adopted.

Someone else noted that foster care and adoption are likely not actually her only options. Depending on how involved the state already is (hopefully less because the child isn’t born yet) she can likely assign a non-family legal guardian through the duration of her prison stay. Legal advice ASAP is crucial. In my state, she would be able to sign power of attorney over as soon as baby is born and keep the Dept of Family Services from even stepping in – as a temporary situation at first, until a guardianship could be set up.

Yet, it is noted that because of the situation and history, CPS must approve the placement chosen and her attorney has said the chances of them even considering a private placement outside of an adoption are almost zero.

One person noted that even the most distant of relatives may feel compelled to help, if she gets the word out that she’s searching for someone with any familial connection to assume guardianship of the child. She shared this story – I know of a family who wound up adopting a child because the parents’ rights were terminated – child was put in foster care because no one in the family would or could take the child. The adopting family only found out about the child through the grapevine because of a very distant familial connection – it was one of the adoptive parent’s distant cousin’s or great uncle’s great-grandchild or something crazy like that. The adoptive parents didn’t personally know the parents and had no knowledge the child even existed but was able to get the child out of the system because of the very distant familial relationship. They felt compelled to get the child out of the system because even though they didn’t know the child or parents – the child was “family.” These adoptive parents were also past the age of “typical” parents – they have grown kids and are old enough to have grandkids or great grandkids.

One brings up the possibility of a conditional surrender. She would still have visits with baby until adoption and she could do the terms of a surrender to require legally binding visits until baby is 18. It is an agreement between parent and adopters (both sides have to agree to the terms). If adopters don’t follow the agreement, the parent can take them to court. As far as what the courts can/will do, that is an open question until it happens but the courts do have the power to enforce it because it’s a legal agreement. However, sadly all it takes is the adopters with a good child psychologist to go back to the judge later on and say it’s detrimental to the child to continue those visits.

And maybe it won’t actually be 15 years. One shared – What we learned after the fact having had no experience with the prison system, our son’s mother was sentenced for 15 yrs in federal with no option for parole. We assumed there was no leniency based on what her lawyer said. Now at 3 years in, she only has about 2-4 years left. I would highly recommend temporary guardianship.

And then there was this story with a happier ending – Someone I know ran multiple ancestry databases on her newborn because she was facing prison time with no viable caregiver in her family. She had casual flings during that period with no way to contact the potential fathers. She was able to narrow it down to a family. Several awkward phone calls later, she found the father. He eventually took custody (I think his brother and sister-in-law were involved for a bit too and they were foster parents, so an easier time of getting CPS approval initially, while the formal paternity testing was being done. She gave birth while out on bond before her trial. This process may be harder if the person you are helping has the baby in a jail or prison setting where she cannot access DNA kits. And the reply was – sadly, she is already incarcerated. And so this – Some states allow lawyers to petition for a DNA sample from the baby to narrow down paternity. She may need to work with a legal team knowledgeable about foster care and incarceration. I know it’s a long shot, but if it pans out the baby may have the possibility to be with relatives.

Wanting To Say The Right Thing

A question about being a considerate friend –

I’m not in the adoptive triad (natural mother, adoptee and adoptive parent) but two of my close friends are adoptees. I live in the USA in a part of the country known as the “Bible Belt”, a place that is saturated with Evangelical Christianity and rose colored glassed about adoption. Out of my two friends that are adoptees, one has been reunited with her first mom for over a decade and they have a friendly and somewhat close relationship. The other knows of her first mom but I don’t know if they have met in person. There are other details about their stories I know about but don’t want to get too personal.

The stories I heard have confirmed some of the icky feelings and questions I’ve had about adoption but didn’t understand and couldn’t voice. Because outside of the triad, everyone knows how adoption is painted and its very pervasive, at least here in the US. To be critical of adoption is to have an outlier opinion.

I haven’t said anything negative about adoption to either of my friends. But, I want them to know that I don’t judge them for having negative feelings about being adopted and that I am becoming aware of some things. For anyone in the triad, if one of your friends said those things to you, would you feel weirded out? I don’t know if my friends have negative feelings about being adopted but I’m sure they do somewhat.

An adoptee responds – I personally live in the Bible Belt myself. I get what your saying and it wouldn’t weird me out of someone asked me about my feelings on adoption as long as they weren’t being weird about it. It would make me feel heard by someone for a change.

And another adoptee – I also live in the bible belt. I’ve talked with people about my adoption and the things I’ve been upset about. I didn’t feel it was weird or rude if questions were asked to get more perspective or if other people voiced what they felt was negative.

An adoptee notes – Adopted people appreciate our allies, people who have made the effort to better understand our plights. That said, the majority of adopted people that I personally communicate with usually recognize that we are more comfortable talking about these sorts of issues with other adoptees (not all adoptees will feel like that and in fact some adoptees will talk to anyone about their adoption, others won’t talk to anyone at all). We aren’t a monolith, one size fits all. But, adoptees who realize the harmful aspects of their childhood are very specific about who they share their innermost feelings with. We know who is a safe person to talk to. I guess for me why someone wants to discuss these sorts of deep, dark issues would be important. Are you just wanting to let them know what you have learned or are you wanting to be a ‘caring ear’ willing to listen more than talk?

The “friend’s” response was – I mainly just want them to know that if they ever need to talk, I’m here for them and they can express criticism about adoption. I won’t judge or criticize them.

Another adoptee agrees with the one above – with friends of mine who aren’t adoptees, I might talk about these issues superficially but only as things come up – regarding parenting adoptees (many of my friends are adoptive parents) and I try to help them “get it” and I talk to their kids and try to help their adoptive parents get it.

This one goes on to say – I would not like my non-adopted friends to make assumptions that they know I have negative feelings on adoption. I do but it’s easier for me to have those negative feelings about other people’s situations. Naming that about my own situation to a non-adoptee would not be likely to happen. Exposing myself that much wouldn’t happen. It’s like that feeling, when you can be mad at your brother but if someone else is, you tend to stick up for them… that’s the kind of feeling it would create for me. You don’t get the right.

I know your trying to be supportive but to me you need to let them lead, don’t become a part of the show. I’m suggesting you consider staying out of it. If they talk, then listen, and even validate their feelings. Give them permission to have the negative feelings but not unless they express them. To me that would feel like you think I should have some negative feelings or would want share them, if I do.

A transracial adoptee also admits – I’m in the Bible Belt. Have they ever confided in you specifically about adoption? Are you in any way associated with Evangelical Christianity, or are they or their families? I ask because Evangelical Christians are pro-life and typically hold more of the positive rainbow pro-adoption propaganda views.

I think it would really depend on the conversation and how you brought it up. I think using certain vocabulary like “adoption trauma”, “the FOG,” “centering adoptees,” “adoption industry”, “family preservation,” etc. could help signify that you’re a safe person. Personally, I’d recommend following their lead, not to purposefully bring it up, but not ignore/deflect any conversations.

As I came “out of the fog,” I’ve found it harder to speak to non-adoptees, simply because they more often than not (and because being in the Bible Belt) didn’t have the same views as me. I think as an adoptee, I’d find it reassuring to know that a close friend was an ally.

The “friend’s” response was – I used to be a Christian but I’m not any more. I met friend #1 at church over a decade ago and we reconnected a couple years ago and became close friends. Her adoptive parents were very conservative Christians. She identifies as kind of a liberal Christian but more witchy than Christian and doesn’t go to church. I’m kind of agnostic. Friend #2 is a young lady I know from my city Choir. She is a mainline Protestant Christian and active in her church but she is liberal. Her parents, I think, are more conservative but I don’t know to what degree. Both friends know I’m not pro life at all, that I’m LGBT and child free. I have some negative views toward having children but I’m working on it in counseling.

To this, the transracial adoptee wrote – I wouldn’t bring it up, especially since they haven’t really confided in you. Bringing it up only centers yourself, rereading your last paragraph really just points out the reasons for approaching this subject are your reasons, for you. I think, if you truly are a safe person to vent to, then they’ll come to you. I reiterate – just follow their lead, don’t put them in an uncomfortable spot, so that you can feel like a good ally.

The child of an adoptee (blogger’s note – I am the child of two adoptees) and a first mom (another blogger’s note – this is a mother who gave a child up for adoption – which both of my own sisters did) writes: obviously *I* am not personally an adoptee but I do live in the Bible Belt. I am just curious, why on earth would you bring up someone else’s private business to tell them you’re “a safe space” and they can “express criticism without judgement”? If they’re **actively discussing their trauma** with you, that’s the time for you to reassure them that you’re “on their side.” Purposely bringing it up, may make you appear to someone like you’re just being a trauma tourist.

The “friend’s” response was – Its not something I would ever bring up out of the blue. If someone you love or are friends with has something really awful happen and they share it with you, you know it’s awful for them and you express that you know it’s awful and show you are there for them. However, the overarching opinion of adoption is that its positive and negative opinions are met with hostility. So, it’s a little different. Most people that have bad things happen are allowed to feel bad about something and say it sucks. But I don’t know if the average adoptee feels like they are allowed to feel that way about adoption, let alone express such opinions. They’ve shared about being adopted. But, if they share again, I want to say the right thing.

To which the previous commenter responded – if they bring it up, I think it’s fine to say you’ve done some reading and you want to be supportive and non judgmental, or even briefly share your opinions on the practice and systems. I don’t think it’s something that should be brought up independently but you said you’re not gonna do that, so you should be good to go.

Another who was placed with her kin remembers – Before I came to accept the reality of my own disappointment, I would have been insulted if someone tried to tell me they were a safe space for me to vent. I didn’t realize I needed to vent. I was in complete denial. In high school, I had a few people respond to some grisly parts of my story with astonishment and anger on my behalf. I was confused, miffed, and maybe a tiny bit amused that they were angry about something that “didn’t bother me.” Why don’t you ASK how they feel instead? Perhaps let them know that you’re aware that some people feel extremely grateful for having been adopted, but that you’ve been made aware of a different perspective of anger and loss… and that you’re curious to know their thoughts, IF they’re open to share them.

Another adoptee suggested – if a friend said something like “Hey for some reason adoption has been on my mind and I was reading a lot of adoptee experiences and researching how it affects a high percentage. I’d love to hear your thoughts.“ I wouldn’t be weirded out.

One adoptee had a cheeky response – Tell all those church attendees that Jesus’ mother was unwed and 14, so Jesus born in manager. Being young, unwed or poor is no reason to give your child away to strangers.

One woman who’s ex-husband is an adoptee and who also lost her daughter shares – I’m still close to my ex-husband because of his messed up family ties both biological and adoptive. I sometimes have to watch what I say, when he vents to me but he knows I’m a safe space for his negative feelings. Most people tell him to basically suck it up. I have a few more adopted friends but my ex husband is the closest story I know, besides my own daughter. My cousin, who was my daughter’s foster parent, didn’t think an autistic 17-year-old could be a parent, so she worked against me. She became a pastor in the Baptist community and was working at a homeless shelter for families. My daughter is in a closed adoption “for safety reasons”. I am not even allowed to know who the adoptive parents are. This is kind ridiculous because now I have a 2 month old and had to deal with Child Protective Services again. Thankfully, my case was eventually closed. Now I realize even more than before how much my family didn’t help. All I needed were a few resources, when I was 17, and I would have been fine, just like I am now at 26. I do have “issues”, my cousin knew my daughter’s adoptive parents before the adoption through her church and that they’re infertile. I don’t know if my first kid is ever going to know about my second kid. To me that’s not very Christian – to keep siblings separated – when there’s obviously no concern for safety. I have also had to take what my ex-husband told me into consideration – that when my child is older, she maybe not want to contact me and I will have to process that better, because I’m the adult. That is hard to think about even with years to prepare, if she does contact me.

Family First Always

Today’s story – my dear friend is fighting for custody of her biological nephew (both the child’s parents are incarcerated for abuse/neglect for now). The child is an infant and currently in foster care. My friend put in the work and was approved by children’s services to be a foster parent, but they won’t place the child with her. And now they are saying that the child’s current foster family is interested in adopting him.

An adoptive parent actually answers – Fight for that baby! Family first always! She needs to email and contact daily. Copy every person’s email she can put on a email. Don’t be overly aggressive but stern. Every time I see this it makes me so mad. Prayers the right thing is done.

Someone who was in foster care as a youth note – At least in my state, she could file a motion to intervene. Our children’s court judge ALWAYS places kids with approved family.

Another writes – Most likely state law and Child Protective Services policy both prioritize biological connections. Find the statues and policies (handbook should be online, or at least it is in my state) and have her cite them in emails to the worker and supervisors. She may need to get her own attorney to enter the case but if she can’t afford that, I would go to the court house and see if there is anything she can file herself to enter the case or petition for custody and get in front of the judge asap. Idk if it would help to offer to maintain a relationship with the foster family (doesn’t have to be long term, but don’t specify lol) to ease the transition.

Another has questions – She needs to contact the state ombudsman and get them involved. Who said no? Contact their supervisor. Supervisor said no, go up the ladder. Is she in the same state as the nephew?

Another shares – Same state/country – different state/county? We had a similar situation with my “great/grand-nephew”, but also had ICPC (different state) placement to get through. The Social Worker for our state explained it to us that they are legally required to consider Family First placement. He was moved from a non-family placement to us at around 10 months. Sadly, baby’s mom and dad (my cousin) are unable or unwilling to parent the baby at this time, at least being placed with us we will foster that relationship in the future for him to connect/reconnect with his parents.

We were told multiple times things like this:

“that baby’s family (non relatives) has already been picked out”

Your involvement/help is not needed or welcome here

It is “all but signed off on for him to be adopted (at 3 months old)”

“maybe you can get the next one”

We persisted, because we wanted the social worker/agency to know there was a family placement option for him, should they choose it. We are currently foster parents/placement for him.

Like An Avalanche

“The point was, I didn’t deserve my son to be taken.”

When my two sons were young, I had a constant fear of losing them to the state without cause. Thankfully, they are 19 and 22 and have never spent a day without at least one of their parents. Others are not so lucky. Today, I read a story in The Guardian about a mother who could not believe how fast the tables turned on her. LINK>’No matter what I do, I’m not in control’: what happens when the state takes your child.

All she wanted was change for bus fare but the store clerk copped an attitude, so she left (that’s her side of the story and I’m not here to question it). I do find what happened next tragic. The clerk made a “keep the peace” call to the police. When the police confronted her, she was on her way to work, pushing her young son’s stroller across the street. They arrested her for disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and obstruction. Basically, they didn’t appreciate her challenging their authority. In their report, they indicated that they would have let her go, if she had not protested.

It could have been worse, since Child Protective Services (CPS) initially placed her son with her brother. However, not informally as a temporary caregiver while she was locked up but formally, with the intention of allowing the state to take legal custody. This was even though, the doctor who examined the little boy wrote that he showed no concerns for neglect or injury. Nevertheless, the doctor authorized CPS to hold him for 72 hours, while the agency prepared to petition the court for custody. That’s how fast it happened. CPS hadn’t been in her life that morning but the situation didn’t just snowball; it came down on her like an avalanche.

From jail, her phoned her brother only to discover it was worse than at first believed. He told her that CPS had taken her son. “They said I couldn’t see him,” she later recalled. “I don’t have custody. I don’t have rights. Nothing.” So even though her criminal case was closed when the charges were dropped, the involvement of CPS wasn’t so easy to leave behind.

Forcible family separation – among the most extreme and intrusive of government actions – occurs much more often than many realize, particularly among Black and Native American families. One in eleven Black children and one in nine Native American children will be placed in foster care by the age of 18. Families come to CPS’s attention due to issues such as substance misuse, domestic violence, mental health needs, and homelessness. Most lack sufficient resources to address their challenges. Family separation essentially punishes parents and children for their poverty and adversity.

Foster care traumatizes children; forcible family separation generates immense pain and trauma for their parents. People’s everyday experiences as they interact with the state – whether public benefits programs, police, and schools, etc – fundamentally shapes what they know and think about government, inequality, and justice. Taking children has always been a political act that targets marginalized racial/ethnic groups to maintain power over them. Family separation teaches affected mothers that the state is an adversary, working against them, given their marginal social positions. CPS gives parents, especially mothers, first-hand experience with an antagonistic, controlling government. Caseworkers, attorneys, and judges claim to help, but in most of these mothers’ experiences, those officials are working against their interests. Mothers don’t see anyone on their side.

For the woman in this story, the path for get her son home became long and arduous, with CPS repeatedly adding obstacles. CPS wanted her to demonstrate “progress” – as they defined it – in her ability to parent. The clock was ticking: per federal law, once children have spent 15 of the last 22 months in foster care, states are supposed to start the process of terminating parental rights permanently. Parents with limited resources face substantial, often essentially insurmountable, burdens to meet CPS’s requirements. It felt like as soon as mothers met one request, CPS added another. Their cases kept getting continued in court. Meanwhile, their kids were growing up.

Finally, a judge ordered that her son could go home – even though as far as she could tell, her situation hadn’t changed. What had changed was she had simply been assigned to a different judge, one who saw no reason her son couldn’t go home. And she figured her caseworker had grown tired of dealing with her. “I can’t even believe they took two years of my life,” she sighed. “They took two years of my son’s life that I can’t get back.”

In the US, CPS puts hundreds of thousands of parents each year through this devastating experience. Certainly, these parents are often experiencing substantial adversity; they cannot always meet children’s needs in their current circumstances. Nevertheless, all deserve to be treated with dignity; all ought to have a say.

Too Little Time To Succeed

Today’s story – I’m an adoptive parent of a 7 year old. “A” was taken into foster care at 3 months. She had visits with her mom for several months. Parental rights were terminated at about 18 months and they had their last visit. She was placed with me for adoption at 24 months. It took some time to get in contact with her mom, and we finally had our first visit when “A” was 3.5 years. A couple of missed visits, then COVID struck and slowed things down a lot. Thankfully, since she turned about 5.5, we’ve been spending time with her mom regularly, usually once every two weeks, and for the past eight months or so, I’ve usually left – so it’s been just them. We held birthday party jointly last spring, which was hard as we have very different values but also good and hopefully gets easier.

Increasingly, although I maybe always suspected, it’s clear to me that “A” shouldn’t have been removed from her mom. Basically, she didn’t know how to play Child Protective Services (CPS) games. And with a little more time and support, she could have parented. Definitely a case of a permanent solution being applied to a temporary problem. I do think she sometimes has made some unwise decisions, but so have I. I don’t think she poses any safety risk to “A”.

I’m increasingly wondering what’s really best for “A”. She is doing amazing in a lot of ways but has struggled with some challenging behaviors and as she’s getting older, it can no longer be dismissed as being on the normal spectrum of development. Of course, there are a lot of potential factors that we’re looking into, and I’m working to put in place sensory breaks and other accommodations at school, and I’m continuing to focus on building our attachment, but to some extent I wonder if these are just band-aids, if the real problem is being apart from her mom on a day-to-day basis. And if she doesn’t really need to be apart from her….? I’d appreciate responses from Adoptees – especially if you had a very open adoption – or first families.

While not the role she asked for – I did think this was an important point from a commenter. Just wanted to note that indeed it may not “solve” all the school problems. Maybe nothing ever will. Things will hopefully get better, absolutely. I just worry about framing any decision as possibly “solving” any “problem” behaviors for good. Sometimes expectations at school are in direct opposition to a child’s needs to thrive in an environment. Don’t let “solving her school problems” be a litmus test for your decision making.

Another not from the role but probably good advice – It sounds like you’re on the right track with nourishing a relationship between them. I’d include First Mom as much as possible in meetings and making decisions, such as IEP/school conferences and medical visits. If she’s included and reunification or guardianship becomes a possibility, she’ll be able to make informed decisions and it will be a much smoother transition for them.

Finally, from an adoptee – I had an open adoption and both me and my biological mom are neurodivergent. I also am a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) and past special education teacher. I would get “A” assessed by a specialist, not a MD as they often misdiagnose (it happened to me). Once there is a confirmed diagnosis, you can start the process of getting support such as IEP, OT, SLP, School Psychologist and there may be a BCBA in the school district as I saw you mentioned “challenging behaviors”. (NOTE: not all children need any of the above therapies to succeed. Case by case basis solely). If insurance is an issue (you can receive in home or clinic support outside of school, if needed), stick to school services. I do believe a lot of my behaviors growing up were related to my adoption trauma but also, I can look back and easily see all my diagnoses presented before I was diagnosed. Both contributed. I wish I had gotten diagnosed as a child to receive support sooner. Everything you’re doing seems to be benefitting “A”. I would ask mom how you can better support her and keep her definitely in the loop about getting “A” evaluated. There could be other diagnoses in the family you don’t know about. I do believe her adoption trauma has contributed and after working with children, teens and adults from 18 months to 19 years of age from all backgrounds I’ve realized, kids especially may not vocally be able to tell you what’s going on or how they feel, but their actions/behavior tell you. They can feel it inside, just may not be able to express it yet where you would understand. That was 100% me growing up. I hope this helps.

From someone else regarding laws surrounding reunification of a youth who has already been adopted – if a youth has been involuntarily relinquished for adoption, meaning CPS convinced a judge to terminate parental rights (TPR), it will be harder than if the parent relinquished voluntarily. But not impossible. For her mom to adopt her child back, she would need to pass an adoptive homestudy in your jurisdiction. Some jurisdictions disqualify a homestudy, if the adult has had a termination of parental rights, some don’t. If, she would have to make a very good case that the reasons leading to TPR are false or no longer apply, which typically means outside documentation (proof of steady employment, steady housing, AA attendance for the last 5 years, etc.) If “A” is staying with mom for any extended time periods, you can get an educational and/or medical power of attorney done that lets Mum make emergency decisions. (Note that there is a small but present risk of CPS involvement, if you do this, so you may want to contact a lawyer in your jurisdictions with all the details of the case.)

One adoptive parent shared – I know it is hard and my daughter’s mom is similar to yours. I learned what I must do and asked our daughter if she would like to return to her mom ? If I had asked when we first started access, when our daughter was 6, I know she would have wanted to go home. Now she is 15 and has opted for increased access, while remaining with me. I know that it is hard to fathom letting go but putting the child first is always the right thing to do.

From an adoptee – Best for “A” is access to her mom. Obviously, safe access and led by A at her pace. The openness is great, but I would also add therapy. Access to therapy while young is so helpful. It will also help you as you navigate the future.

From a mom who lost her child – I couldn’t figure out how to play CPS games, and my PSAT scores were in the 99th percentile. I didn’t even study until I got to college, because I was used to being able to succeed with minimal effort. With CPS, there wasn’t any set rules, or consistency, like the whole thing was set up to make parents just give up. I fought until I was TPR’d, but I can understand why a lot of parents just get overwhelmed and see the goals as impossible. CPS will just keep setting up new goals, or stall for time, then claim they can’t return the child because all the goals weren’t completed in time.

The no set rules and consistency is so on point. I have watched CPS change requirements and not notify parents. I have seen the parent doing the work get punished while the parent not complying with court orders gets praise. The more you see the system the more you see it is set up to take those children and not give them back. It is appalling AND they can lie without consequence.

An adoptee and reunified mom wrote – The thing you can’t say wouldn’t solve all the problems. The trauma already happened. But it might mitigate them. I’m not a child development specialist, so I really can’t be certain, but I know that reunification helped my child. And reunion, even this late, is helping me with my own issues.

A therapist with years working the system said – live close and co-parent. Look to each person’s strengths and build on those. Consider relating like separated parents, figuring out who does what. If it seems that you are in a better position to support her school needs, then take the lead on that but include mom. Build up her capacity to do it.

An adoptive parent brings up an interesting, sometimes overlooked, issue – So is there a first dad in the picture? It could complicate things. For us one complication is the natural father who lives in a different country is against it. He only wanted us to adopt, not for first mom to get the kids back. So we don’t know how that will look in the future. Also this, there is no magic pill. Leaving the home the adoptees have known for years will be traumatic as well.

Rehoming

I’ve not read the book in the image above but the question came up – Can someone please explain the legality of adoption rehoming groups on Facebook and stuff like that? Like, I’m sure we all understand that’s literal child trafficking. But can someone help me understand how it’s legal?

One foster parent answered – It is my understanding that the agency that posts most of them (LINK>Second Chance Adoptions which is an offshoot of Wasach Adoption) is specifically licensed for this. I guess it is seen as no different than adopting an older child out of foster care for example. The agency can only adopt to specific states that allow it and all adopting families must be homestudied. I believe the agency itself operates out of Utah which has looser regulations than other states. That is not saying that I in any way agree with the practice.

One adoptee notes – It is heartbreaking and horrible on so many levels. Commodification of these children and looks like pet rescues — the worst part is how adoptive parents think that it’s a good thing to do… move a misbehaving puppy… I mean youth on to the next furever family. I cannot imagine the trauma and mental anguish that these children must endure.

Another adoptee chimes in – I often wonder how this is legal as well. Its totally disgusting and treats them like objects rather than people. Foster care/adoption fairs rub me the same way. Especially when it comes to children that will already be extremely traumatized.

Someone more knowledgeable shares – it actually operates under the same laws that govern domestic infant adoptions (DIA) – it’s private domestic adoption, only difference is unlike private infant adoption there aren’t more hopeful adoptive parents than children, which is reflected in the fees (and makes one wonder just who is pocketing the extra $30,000 for these adoptions). Any legal parent of a minor child of any age may privately place them for adoption through an accredited agency; the one difference is that each state sets an age that a child must consent to the adoption, which I believe is typically between 11-14. It really comes down to the fact our society treats children like property. What REALLY rubs me the wrong way is that (not unlike DIA, I guess) the current legal parents get to pick the new legal parents using whatever criteria they want. Like, if you’re dumping a kid, I don’t think you should be able to say – they can only be placed with a Bible-believing Protestant Cisgender family or whatever.

An adoptive parent acknowledges that – it is an absolutely horrid practice and so unregulated. Most “second chance adoptions” are not done this way, most are done over Craig’s List and other sites like that, leaving children so vulnerable and pedophiles are given a very easy way to welcome a child into their homes. It is disgusting and something that the American government needs to address and put a stop too. The idea that people adopt and then decide it isn’t working out for them is just something I don’t understand. Adoption is presented as a pretty package, when the reality is something very different, based alone on the trauma experienced by the adoptee.

Another adoptive parent asks – can biological parents stop parenting a “troubled youth” and place them for adoption? That doesn’t seem legal? If it isn’t legal, then it makes no sense at all that these rehoming adoptions would be. They are legally your children through adoption.

I tried googling that one’s question. It has long been possible to relieve one’s self of a troubled teenager by sending them to boarding schools (including military types) or wilderness type programs. These do not require the parents to terminate their parental responsibility. A court and/or child protective services intervention would be required to go that far – which might end in foster care but would not usually result in surrendering them for adoption (difficult to accomplish with an older child anyway – most age out of foster care). I’m certainly not the one to offer legal advice, just my intuition from what I have encountered over time.

How To Help

Today’s request – I am trying to help a father get back custody of his child. Custody is currently with another relative. Child protective services are not involved. There will be a court case for him to try to regain custody as the relative is fighting to keep the child. Child wants to be with the parent, and the parent is absolutely more than capable of taking care of his child. Child’s mother is not very involved, but does want the child with the father. I am writing a letter on his behalf. Terrible at that kind of stuff. Is there anyone who can possibly help me? I want to make sure it’s the best possible and that I can help him in anyway get his child back. so if anyone out there is really good at writing this kind of stuff, can you help? Thank you!

PS I’m in adoptive parent, but not really involved in this particular situation.

A family law paralegal says – I’d recommend looking up your state’s child custody best interest factors and organizing your letter around how dad is able to meet those needs. If the child is of age and has a strong preference, honestly I would consider an in-camera interview.

blogger’s note – I found this From ChildWelfare.gov – LINK>Determining the Best Interests of the Child. Also, there is a pdf with a note – “To access the statutes for a specific State or territory, visit the LINK>State Statutes Search.”

This same person added – Another thing to keep in mind is that the courts may want you to testify in addition to the letter as your words on record will likely hold more weight. I’d let dad know that he can tell his attorney (if he has one) that you are willing to be a character witness on his behalf as well.

Another one notes – Depending on how the child went to the relative in the fist place, if Child Protective Services (CPS) is not involved, deference is supposed to go the natural parents. I know it doesn’t always work that way. But if they have avoided CPS and there was not a Termination of Parental Rights (TPR), he has a good shot at regaining his child.

One who is a qualified parenting consultant & custody evaluator in their own state writes – I can definitely help with that! There’s a few key points that are crucial in those letters, depending on the state, but the relative who currently has placement doesn’t have higher ranking rights to the child, if there’s no TPR or CPS involvement, there’s no reason for them to be shown legal preference. Is this child older than 10? If so, their opinion absolutely matters in a legal sense and needs to be advocated for.

Yet another suggests – Find a good father’s rights attorney. Is he a legal father? Has paternity been established? He really shouldn’t have too much issue as long as he is a legal father. The 14th Amendment of the constitution protects a parent’s rights. What men usually run into is – they have “no rights,” until they establish them. Especially, if they are unmarried. That’s why it gets complicated. But if he is already a legal father, get a good father’s rights attorney for the court date.

Withholding Sibling Contact

Though this happens all too often, it is generally believed that sibling relationships matter and that they are very important when a family has been fractured. So, today’s story is heart concerning.

I am an adoptive parent of 2 former foster care youths. They are not related to one another. The youngest just turned 5. When we were in the process of adopting her, the social worker told us she had other (half) siblings that were also in the system and about to be adopted with another sibling of theirs. We asked about any visits they had and the social worker said “Oh, they don’t even know about her. We never did any visits or anything, it doesn’t matter, they are going to be adopted to another family with their other younger half brother.” I’m not in agreement about them not needing to know.

Eventually, I was able to get their first names and the name of their other sibling. I did some internet digging, their names aren’t super common, so I literally googled their first names. This led me to an obituary that had them listed as grandchildren. Then, I jumped on social media and looked up the names of the children listed and came across a public Instagram account belonging to the adoptive father. He had some photos of the kids with their names, from when they first came into his home.

I sat on it for a bit but decided to reach out via direct message. I introduced myself and acknowledged this may come across as a strange message and mentioned that I wasn’t sure if they were aware of their sister’s existence (there’s an additional sibling now too). I said I’d like to connect the kids, if possible. I got a response that was just “please call me” with the phone number. I was in the middle of bedtime, so I said I’d message when I was done and if it wasn’t too late for them (different time zones), I’d call.

So I call, it’s a bit late, but they insisted. It was an odd call for a number of reasons. He did most of the talking. It was a 90 minute call. He did make a point of telling me that it’s not that he doesn’t think their other siblings aren’t important but that they continuously emphasize that the siblings they now live with are their “real” siblings and the only ones that really matter. I was a bit surprised at the amount of negative things he shared about them (these poor kids have been through a lot). As this was a first meeting, it felt awkward having him kind of airing their dirty laundry so-to-speak.

He kept saying he had to take back the reigns from the oldest, she had always acted like a mother hen, but he’s the parent and he’s in charge now. He also said they had some contact with another sibling (unrelated to our daughter), but they cut it off because it seemed like any time they had any reminder of anyone from their past, they would “all just act like stupid little jerks.”…Wow.

One thing I did find out was, they had almost zero information on the dad or any photos. I don’t have a ton of info, but the basics, name, birthday, home town and I do have some photos, so I agreed to share them and sent them over after the call.

It was pretty obvious from the conversation that he didn’t think it was a good idea for any contact now between the kids. What caught me off guard was the message I received the next morning…I realize I may be reading into this. But this is the response I got – Right now is not the right time for my kids to see or even interact with their younger sister. Pleases respect our privacy. The siblings still need to get on track and work through their own trauma. We can revisit this in 5 years (or more) when I think they are ready.

I agree his kids need to be his number one priority. But I wonder if denying any contact between the siblings for 5 or more years will have negative impact. In 5 years, my daughter will be 10, his kids will be 14 and 16. I’m also wondering how to best approach this with my daughter, as our older child does have a relationship with her brothers. She knows their names, she knows they exist, she’s seen like the 2 pictures I got from his social media, but it sounds like that’s going to be the end of the road for a while.

(We are supposed to start working with a trauma informed adoption competent therapist in the next few months but haven’t started yet as we’ve been on the wait list. We had someone else lined up but we didn’t continue with that one due to her stating how lucky they were to be adopted into our family.)

I’m curious about the experiences from both angles. Both if your adoptive parent withheld sibling contact and family information and from those that wanted it but were blocked by your sibling’s adoptive parents. The man has since either deleted his Instagram or has blocked me.

An adoptee that is also a former foster care youth responded – Reading this has made me so mad. I find it disgusting that people think it’s acceptable to adopt children and play god with their lives and determine what they have a right to know ABOUT THEMSELVES.

I would be honest and open with your little one from the get go. She has siblings, they live X with X, unfortunately, she can’t have contact right now due to circumstances beyond your control but you are trying to establish contact.

I would look to contact the adoption agency that placed them, try and contact them and have a formal attempt at establishing contact via those channels.

I’d also be looking at getting damages/compensation from Child Protective Services for not considering/proper management of placement. Not establishing sibling relationships and creating additional trauma.

I had 7 sibling who went in to care with me, and was only allowed contact with one. By the time I was 16, I had messaged them all on Facebook and went through a horrible and traumatic time.

I also discovered in my twenties I have a further 3 siblings who were in care that I don’t know the names or details about, and it makes me angry and sick everyday that there are people walking around and I don’t get to know them because of someone else’s selfish decisions.

That man is going to cause those children UNTOLD damage and based on the things you’ve shared, it’ll be a miracle if they’re still even with him, by the time they are 16.