Today’s story is about a father who had to fight for over 6 months to bring his daughter home from the custody of the Div of Child and Family Services (DCFS) in Illinois. They had been trying to adopt her out from day one. Especially, when they found out that he lived in a different state. It took 6 months because DCFS lied to the judge at the shelter care hearing saying that they were afraid for his daughter’s safety and that he hadn’t had a relationship with his daughter in over a year.
He didn’t have a physical relationship because of the distance and not being able to afford to travel. He lives in Delaware. For some odd reason, they were under the assumption that she was born in Illinois, not Delaware. They were surprised when he showed up to the emergency shelter care hearing with less than 12 hours notice. He brought his baby girl’s birth certificate with him.
At this point, he can only honestly believe that the mom was working with them, so that the baby girl couldn’t come home with him on day one. The child’s mom wasn’t happy to see him there that day either.
To clarify, it was the mom’s criminal charges that caused DCFS to be involved to begin with. Therefore, DCFS was given temporary guardianship and he was ordered by the judge to go through the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC) process. Then, DCFS admitted at the final hearing, through his public defender, that he was never supposed to go through that process because he was the non-offending parent.
The real harm came when his baby girl was moved from foster home to foster home. He now knows she was placed in homes that were foster-to-adopt, all the while the child’s mom was active in seeing her. The baby girl was calling out for her mom all the time.
He can only thank God that the lady who did finally take her in for the last 4 and half months was a guardian angel. Because of her wonderful behavior he and his whole family all consider her to be “grandmother” to the baby girl.
There was a reason she was in the picture. Her son had also had a daughter with the same woman. The lady has had custody of that baby since birth but DCFS opened a case, even though there shouldn’t have been.
So this man is just putting his story out there. Maybe it will help someone or some parents, by letting them know that they can fight Child Protective Services (CPS) so that they can bring their kids home and not give up hope during the long and frustrating process. It will be 2 years in January that his baby girl has been back home.
Finally, under the heading of people can and do change – Thankfully, the child’s mom has also been slowly making progress with her own issues and is able to be somewhat involved in being a mom to their daughter.
From a mom who lost her children to Child Protective Services, in my all things adoption group – what is the best concise paragraph you have found to comment with, that shares that adoption is trauma, kids should never have to feel grateful for food and shelter, and that in many cases the trauma of being taken away from parents using drugs is greater than living with them?
Also that some people are involved in foster care for the money (I always always get “it’s not enough money to motivate people” but I am from a small poor town in a rural area and that extra $600 or whatever a month IS a huge motivator for many).
The reality is that people do have their kids taken away due to poverty, for not paying their electric bill, but foster parents get financial help to pay their bills.
This image came from a site FOR adoptions – LINK>Absolute Love Adoptions. I would agree with the author, Kathryn Russell, that is often simply a failure of the expectations around any adoption. I arrived there simply looking through google for an image to illustrate today’s blog.
In my all things adoption group, this story was conveyed from a ‘failed adoption group’ (I suppose intended as a support for such circumstances). The one experiencing this writes – “I just experienced my second failed adoption a week and a half ago. After taking baby home from the hospital and having her for two weeks, her birth mom changed her mind. I’m so incredibly mad. Mad at the system that provides little to no protection for adoptive parents. I’m mad at the people around the birth mom who encouraged her to parent her baby. And I’m mad at her for choosing to be selfish and do what’s best for her and not what’s best for her child. This is all so raw for me. I’m mad and I’m bitter. And to be honest, after this second failed adoption, I will not try again. My heart cannot take it.”
The person who shared this noted – “This person managed to hit almost ALL the Narcissistic Savior hopeful adoptive parent (HAP) statements …. Showing how most HAP’S ‘Really Feel’… as they sweet talk expectant mom’s like they are going to be ‘one big family’…. vs the reality that many closing “open” adoptions before the adoptee reaches the age of 3….”
A heroine in the group, who is the paternal grandmother of a little girl, who is now reunited with her, after an illegal adoption attempt that took place without the father’s consent (who is understandably now a Fathers Rights Advocate) comments – “Good! Don’t try again. You being mad that she wanted to parent HER child! You calling HER selfish! You presuming you know what’s “best” for the child shows you know NOTHING and are completely unqualified to be a parent natural or otherwise… just don’t have a child AT ALL..” She adds – “I think the revocation period should be extended not shortened. And fathers need to be ON BOARD 100%, and the mothers should not be allowed to lie about fathers without consequences.”
In response to her, the original poster commented – another Poster on the failed adoption group thread complained about having to “give her baby back after 6 MONTHS”. Because the father changed HIS mind at the last minute (yet, the agency still placed baby with ‘HAP’s)….and the baby’s DAD had the nerve to “Give Her Baby” to his Sister to raise….once she went back with them. The very Nerve !
Note !! parenting Your Own Baby is Not being selfish ! And support should be available to those wishing to parent ! No one that posted seems to understand that the agencies are the ones ‘keeping their money’. Not the birth parents ! (remember the reimbursement for living expenses is a ‘gift’ with no strings) and is small change compared to the agency fees.
From a domestic infant adoptee who was taken during the LINK>Baby Scoop Era (which started after the end of World War II and ended somewhat around 1972) – “While I can understand her disappointment and grief in not getting what she was expecting, she definitely needs to do a lot of work on herself. She is definitely not anywhere ready to parent anyone. I see this kind of reaction far too often. People need to understand that babies are not property to be bought and sold. I see people commenting that parents should not be able to keep their babies, if they have indicated that they are interested in placing. I worry that adoption laws will be changed making it legal for irrevocable contracts to be made pre-birth.”
To which another adoptee replied – I so wish my teenage mom would have been allowed the opportunity to parent me, her mother wouldn’t “allow it.” In turn, I was a 30 week premie, given to an unstable couple (adoptive dad did sexual abuse – they divorced 2 years after I was born) and a “loving adoptive mother” who told me how much I cost them when I was only 3.5 years old.
A mother who lost her baby to adoption (she was also a baby scoop infant adoptee) notes – I tried to change my mind when he was born. I had both the agency director and the AM on the phone with me (this was 1990) telling me that I just couldn’t do that to them. I had happened to pick their file literally on the day they put it back in active rotation, after the previous “birthmom” changed her mind after birth. I was told I would be destroying them, if I kept my baby.
She follows up with this rest of the story – both my son’s dad and I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of it. It’s been years of healing. My son is married now, with a baby of his own (best grand baby in the world). They chose to put down roots half an hour from me. His adoptive parents moved him 8 hours away, when he was 9. I only got to see him once from ages 9-17. They still live there. Now, I am the one who gets to babysit and dog sit and see them whenever I want. His daughter is growing up with no distinction between who he was raised with or not. My other kids (I had 4 more, years after him) are just aunts and uncles and I’m just grandma. It feels like the universe is righting itself, and I am so, so grateful to him.
An adoptee noted – Interesting how all their coercion tactics revolved around their feelings but not the wellbeing of the child. Which is so grossly typical of HAPs.
Another adoptee said – There should be a MINIMUM of a one year period in which mothers (or fathers) can change their mind. If we did away with adoption completely and required cases in which adoption would normally take place – to be placed as a guardianship or joint custody – this would be a non-issue because the parents could always access visitation rights and an ability to get their child back, when they are ready. Protection should never be for adoptive parents. Ever.
Another added – for that year, financial support should be provided, affordable childcare should be a guarantee, and any other obstacles should be removed – so that parents can make the informed decision regarding whether or not relinquishment is truly the solution.
An adoptee fostered from birth and then into a forced adoption at the age of 10 says – if a carer/HAP ever did less than the agreed-to (contracted in an OPEN adoption), the first parents have the legal right to reunite with their child(ren) and rescind any previous relinquishment. I mean, if we are asking for “pie in the sky” protections, that one has gotta be in there. The amount of times that a previously open adoption slams closed is astounding and calls into question the adoptive parents ability to properly parent, in truth and with the child’s best interests at the forefront.
Response to a FORMER hopeful adoptive parent – You help families avoid being separated. It’s ok to admit we were FHAP. We did the research and learned and grew and changed our minds. We thought it was a good deed, now we know better. We were wrong.
She notes – I’m here exactly for the same reason as you. I don’t even have a husband lol and was nowhere near ready to adopt but thought about it as something maybe in the future, like in 10 years and thought it should be an older child too. I think it’s helpful for HAP to see how many FHAPs are in this space.
Another person says this – isn’t this a really heinous misuse of “failed adoption” ? I thought that failed adoption referred to an adoption that is disrupted/terminated by the adoptive parents, leaving the child without guardians/parents – as in, the adoption itself failed as an outcome. Calling it a “failed adoption” because a family was able to stay intact is just so backwards and wrong, it just didn’t happen because it was no longer necessary. Like having a surgery to save somebody’s leg and calling it a “failed amputation” ?
Another mom who lost her baby to adoption – I have often thought that if only I had had someone, one person, who would have encouraged me to parent my baby, I never would have given him up back in 1973. Months later, my then sis in law said to me, “you had a chance at motherhood which you were ready for and you turned it down”. This wasn’t said in a loving way, she was listing all the things I was doing wrong in my life, and that was one. But at the time, she never said anything about how I was really ready to be a mom.
Another one agreed – same – I wanted to parent so desperately but no one around me encouraged or supported that choice.
The original poster notes that the failed adoption group – is full of Unfulfilled Hap’s showing exactly how they ‘Really’ feel about Expectant Mom’s, Mom’s who change their minds. The Mom’s friends, Families and group such as this who step forward to assist Mom’s ( and Dad’s) to parent. She hit almost all the visceral reactions / opinions of Many HAP’S and AP’s…. who will act like an expectant mom’s BFF until the revoke period ends.. And they believe ‘laws need to be put in place’. To ‘protect HAP’S’ from loosing their money and getting their hearts broken. Keep in mind that many HAP’S have ‘Go Fund Me accounts etc….’ Something the expectant mom’s are not able to do. Also the number of these HAP’S complaining that their beautiful nursery and clothes are ‘going to waste’ and will need to be sold….. (How many expectant mom’s who parented had the HAP’S leave so much as a car seat or filled diaper bag?) How many expectant mom’s who decided to parent have had Child Protective Services called on them by HAP’S and the adoption agency? Sadly – Many ….
Several new things today to pass along, thanks to mention of them in my all things adoption group. Not recommending or saying anything more from me than mentioning these and passing along some comments from others. I’ve been having a very odd week and today is so disrupted, I’m at a loss. So forgive me an easy blog (not the first time but I do try to convey the best of whatever information I come across).
LINK>Adopt Us Kids. Read there were profiles of kids like on a dating site. The site says – “A national project working to ensure that children and teens in foster care get safe, loving, permanent families.” Also this – “AdoptUSKids educates families about foster care and adoption and gives child welfare professionals information and support to help them improve their services. We also maintain the nation’s only federally funded photolisting service that connects waiting children with families.” I guess it was their photolisting service that the person commenting referred to.
The other one was LINK>Fight CPS. CPS stands for Child Protective Services and I’ve learned alot about them and how they function over the last 6 or so years, since I learned the actual stories behind my parents adoptions (both of my parents were adoptees). Thankfully, my parents’ adoptions were in the 1930s and there was not such an entrenched organization at that time but there was a scoundrel by the name of Georgia Tann involved in my mom’s.
The person who mentioned these two said this about the second one – CPS terminates the children’s parents’ rights, even though they don’t have a home for these children to go to and so, they end up in foster care. That person goes on to say – I don’t think a lot of people realize how corrupt and twisted the family court system is. How do you take kids, make the parents jump through hoops and then after a year and a half terminate their rights ? The kids then get lost in the child welfare system and sometimes (if adopted) end up forced to have a new mom and dad. She notes – I’ve posted before about how abusive my adoptive home was, and I know my story isn’t unique. This is literally legal human trafficking.
Someone else mentioned – LINK>Adoptly. You can “swipe left or right on potential children.” Bottom line is that there is so much money to be made within the adoption industry that it is crawling with tons of opportunities to get into the game – as either a provider of children or an agency doing that. Sadly. Adoption reform activists are saying the quiet parts out loud these days to better inform the public at large about what is going on.
Someone who adopted from foster care notes – all the photolistings are pretty horrible. Super creepy when they describe the kids as attractive, beautiful, etc. Also teens with unique first names who also use social media… CAN be tracked down by internet weirdos, it’s extremely dangerous.
Sigh . . . the effort can feel overwhelming and discouraging. Maybe it’s just my mood today. For that I apologize and note, things will be different tomorrow (or even later tonight) LOL.
Today’s story – 4 years ago, we became aware that the mom of a child, female age 12, who had been placed in foster care in our community, terminated her parental rights. We had not been involved with foster care or with this child but we felt moved by her need for a home and became her foster and then, adoptive parents.
(By the way) we fought the coercion to adopt but were told it was necessary or she’d be back in the foster care system. We were inexperienced and should have fought that demand more – in hindsight. At least, we didn’t change her name. During our journey together, we have been able to help her re-establish a close relationship with her mom. (Contact between them had been terminated by court order.) Her mom has made such brave and significant changes, enough the her daughter was able spend the summer with her mom. This was something both them wanted.
Typical in such situations, of course, the girl now wants to stay with her mom. We are supportive of that and are working through the logistics that would allow her that option, for as long or short as she wants. We will provide financial support and as much connection as she wants from us.
Her mom lives about 45 minutes away – so there are certain ways we won’t be able to help, like giving daily rides. Does anyone have any experience with helping a child transition back to (their biological) parents ? Any advice for us, on how to be helpful in the right ways ?
Some sympathetic support comes – where we are located, that decision has to go through Child Protective Services. I looked into it for one of my adoptees. It was painless here and approved. This child still hasn’t chosen what she wants to do, now that it is an option. If she chooses to, then we need to go to court, to give the Mom guardianship so she can have the right for medical choices, school choices, etc. She knows that all of us will respect her choice and still be active in her life, just as we all are now. We will also be providing medical insurance and financial help.
Some cautions are given – you may want to look into reunification counseling, which usually focuses on kids who have been estranged from a parent due to divorce. You may also want to consult a lawyer to learn your risk of child neglect charges – it is easy to reunify legally, IF it was a voluntary private relinquishment. Depending on the backstory for that termination of parental rights – both you and the mom could be in legal trouble. if Child Protective Services finds out (also think through situations in your and the mom’s life, are there vindictive relatives who would report the girl for being with her mom, just to cause trouble ?)
Another chimes in – be extremely cautious with this. It could prove incredibly abusive and gaslighting for the child. The person above notes that she’d assumed it would be far less adversarial, than in a typical divorce case because all caregivers are encouraging reunion.
Lastly, let the child lead. Both mom and child will undoubtedly have a lot of emotions to work through, therapy can help.
A point was made in my all things adoption group that “Child removal is a separate issue from adoption.” My image comes from a post at Generocity by Steve Volk titled LINK>Black families confront a child welfare system that seems intent on separating children from parents. I already had encountered information about that before.
In my group, an adoptee admits – It was 100% right for me to be removed from my biological mother, it was 100% wrong for me to be adopted when I could’ve aged out of the system. I was 17 when I got adopted. I had less than 8 months til I turned 18.
Another adoptee says – there’s a big difference between foster care and infant adoption but the effects on us remain the same. Not one of us, who care about reform, advocate for a child to remain in harm. Those with a lived experience of adoption and foster care know – it often does more harm than good.
One adopted as an infant says – I have to remind people that external care may be necessary but adoption is not. I required external care. I did not required adoption.
One person with experience with the foster care court system has questions – Why is adoption considered to be creating permanency and pushed so heavily? Initially one would think cost of care, but when subsidies are factored in, is this cost really an issue? I guess there could be more governmental cost incurred due to employing caseworkers, etc. Is the current system a “fix” for the broken system where kids remained in long term foster care most of their lives and never have a “family” atmosphere? Where did the Adoption and Safe Families Act come from, that made it a federal law that kicks in at 15 to 22 months after removal?
Some possible answers come – society, on the whole, has specific views about adoption that have been absorbed into the mainstream view. What percentage of people in the whole of society are CONSCIOUSLY AWARE that an adoption can be disrupted by the adoptive parents, that children are rehomed by their adoptive parents, or that adopted children are over-represented in residential treatment centers? Only a small percentage of people who have no experience with adoption know these things. However, there are also people who ARE involved in some part with adoption situations that don’t realize these either.
There are systemic issues. Some stem from sociological issues that could be addressed on a larger scale (and, to an extent, are now being addressed on social media). Because of systemic issues, removals happen that shouldn’t. Those children are sold to couples who can afford to pay, instead of giving their actual parents support.
From another – Honestly. It makes adults feel better that this brings permanency and that it makes the kid feel stable. It only brings that, if you’ve told the kid that’s what brings stability. The local foster group always bashes anyone who says they’re going for guardianship. Telling them how the biological family will be dragging them into court every month. Saying how it’s awful and the kids deserve better.
And yet another perspective and a story from real life – it came out of frustration with children being held in foster care and shifted from home to home with no permanency over many years (5-10 or more) while parents made no progress towards reunification. The United States loves big one-size-fits-all solutions to complex problems. This act created massive incentives for states to get kids out of foster care and into adoptive homes. Arizona is one of the WORST examples. My friend was forced to adopt her granddaughter after just 12 months in care. Had she not been adopted by her grandma, Child Protective Services was going to place her with strangers who would. She was young (about 3), blonde and white appearing (although ~3/4s Hispanic), healthy, etc. Quickly out the door for a kid like her. Did the girl need to be removed from her situation with her mother? 100% but the timeframe for reunification was totally unrealistic. The mother eventually did get sober and stable but it took her 5 years, not 1. They eventually went to court to vacate the adoption and won a huge settlement from the state. After living with her mother for a few years, this girl is now back with my friend as her guardian because the mother could not stay sober, housed etc. But she is safe and loved and with family without being adopted. This time Child Protective Services was not involved. Incidentally, my friend was raised by her aunt because her own mother had many issues and my friend was never adopted. She wanted to do the same for her grandchild (as she is now) but the state forced her to do it their way.
An adoptee wants to clarify – When people just say they’re anti-adoption, it sounds to abused kids like you think they should be left with their abusive birth parents no matter what. When you’ve been abused by your birth parents, some people act like that’s their right – you’re their property. It’s very important to know that’s NOT what you mean.
One transracial adoptee notes – my mother did nothing wrong but my brother and I were taken. He’s still out there somewhere because the Catholic church recommended we didn’t stay together.
One person notes – it should also be possible to support families *before* abuse becomes an issue. Our society isn’t equipped for that right now. Our government would prefer to throw money at foster care, rather than at family preservation.
From an adoptive/foster care parent – There’s a difference between feeding the adoption industry and helping kids whose family has let them down. I’ll always push to help parents get the resources and help they need, but I also believe that kids deserve a safe space to grow up. Some parents/relatives get it together and some don’t. That’s a reality.
blogger’s note – I share what I do in this blog to help others, without a direct familial experience of adoption or foster care, understand the long term effects of decisions that are being made every day that directly affect many children and their families.
So a struggling mother asks – Is it wrong to give your kid up for adoption if you deal with depression/anxiety and don’t really have much help ? A part of me feels like I will get over everything and be just fine .. another part of me wants to give my kid up for adoption so that they can have 2 parents and grow up in a loving home with good opportunities. Is any of it feasible ?
The reality – Adoption won’t guarantee a better life for your child, only a different one. Adoption is random. Hopeful adoptive parents are not evaluated for mental health, as biological parents are when Child Protective Services is after their kids. Also, divorce is just as common for adoptive parents as it is for everyone else.
Adoption is permanent.
So, you could give your kid away to some random strangers, then go on to win the lottery, meet the love of your life, and meanwhile the adoptive parents could get divorced, lose their jobs, your kid could be raised by an alcoholic hoarder who won’t allow any contact with you, and then when they do find you, they could resent you for depriving them of the life they could have had with you.
Someone else who suffers from depression/anxiety admits – I go through this thought process with every episode. It’s so hard. Adoption doesn’t always equal better.
Someone who experienced both foster care and adoption notes – People have all sorts of reasons to justify giving up their child. They often sell themselves the line that 2 parents are better than a single one, or they are better off because I am dealing with x/y/z. Your kids love you in spite of all of the hard things in life, and honestly, if its something you struggle with – they likely will too. And no one is better to help them navigate it than their birth parent because often times adopted parents just gaslight their kids and don’t get them the proper therapies and then, its compounded by attachment trauma too. Hugs. You are a good mom no matter how you are struggling because you love your kids enough to ask tough questions about your own mental and emotional health. That’s more than most hopeful adopted parents will ever do!
The issue of abortion often comes up in adoptee circles with a variety of opinions. Comparing the trauma on the biological mother of placing her child for adoption as opposed to what she might feel after having an abortion – studies have found that 95+% of people who’ve ended their pregnancies, have no regrets and felt nothing but relief.
One adoptee says – I’ve had an abortion, I don’t regret it at all. Sure, I sometimes wonder what might have been, but I’m not sad about it at all. At least there’s nobody out there wondering why they weren’t good enough to be anyone’s first choice.
Yet another who aged out of foster care, and was never adopted, says – I’m really really grateful and lucky to have not been aborted. For me, I don’t know if its right to decide for someone without their choice that they’re better off dead than adopted.
Then an all-of-the-above person notes – This is hard… I believe that if someone has never had a child they might regret their abortion. I’m a biological mom and an adoptee … I have my own child I parent, I have a biological child that was given up for adoption, and I had an abortion. By far my abortion was the easiest on me emotionally and mentally. I have been tormented emotionally and mentally by the adoption that turned out a total lie regarding it’s openness. I think about her every single day. I wish I would have aborted her but I was selfish. Of course, I would also rather have kept her, if I had the right mindset then. Hindsight is 20/20. But I also know that if I had never given her up, then I wouldn’t have chosen to have an abortion so easily the next time because giving up another child would have never happened again or I’d be dead. But I know, if I had aborted the child I gave up, I would probably have huge regrets because I wouldn’t know how awful it was to give a child up to adoption.
It always is a matter of perspective and circumstance. This blogger notes – I have a biological, genetic daughter that I surrendered to her father due to my own financial struggles (he refused to pay child support, I went into an employment where I could not take her along with me. I was seeking a financial gain that would support us both – I did not foresee leaving her with her paternal grandmother would become her father’s non-legally mandated permanent custody). Then, I had an unplanned, unexpected pregnancy with no interest expressed by that father-to-be. I did end that one with an abortion. Later on in life, in a better marriage and with good financial circumstances, I gave up my genetics to allow my husband to become a biological, genetic father through assisted reproduction. Many women have multiple varieties of reproductive experiences. I do believe ALL women deserve a legal private choice in all reproductive matters.
Former prison guard Roberta Bell (left) with Katie Bourgeois and her son, Kayson, two days after Bourgeois was released from prison.
Today’s Story – Link>Prison guard in US fired for taking in inmate’s baby: ‘It was the right thing to do.’
Katie Bourgeois had been incarcerated for a few months in a US prison earlier this year when she learned she was pregnant. “I felt panicked – I didn’t have anyone who would help, and I didn’t want my baby to get sent away with Child Protective Services,” said Bourgeois, 30, who was serving time for drug charges. “I wasn’t sure what to do or where to turn.”
Bourgeois knew she would give birth to her baby while she was locked up at the Louisiana Transition Centre for Women – a privately-run educational and training corrections facility for inmates within one year of being released. Bourgeois’s due date was in mid-May, about seven weeks before her release date in July. Bourgeois told some of the other women at the facility about her predicament, and several of them mentioned there was a corrections officer who was kind and might be willing to help her. The officer, Roberta Bell, was known to love babies. “Everyone said she was sweet and always kept her word,” Bourgeois said.
One morning, while inmates were lined up to receive their daily medications, a friend of Bourgeois’s approached Bell and explained the situation. Bell, who did not know Bourgeois, said she walked right over to Bourgeois and offered to help. “I knew it was the right thing to do,” Bell said. “When I asked Katie if she’d like me to come and get her baby when it was time, you could see the relief on her face,” she added. “She said, ‘Miss Bell, I’d love for you to take my baby, because I don’t have anyone else to do it.’” Bell said that sealed her commitment. She told Bourgeois she’d take in the newborn for about two months while Bourgeois finished her prison time.
“I knew that God wanted me to follow my heart, and I knew I couldn’t allow a baby to go to protective services when Katie really wanted that child,” she said. Bell also knew it violated the rules of her employment, because corrections officers are not allowed to give their personal contact information to inmates. She said she thought she might get permission under the circumstances. Bell told her supervisor about her plan to look after Bourgeois’s baby until her release in July. Bell said she could leave the baby during the day at a nearby daycare run by a friend. “[My supervisor] said it sounded like a conflict of interest because I worked there, but that he’d talk to some people in charge,” Bell said. “I didn’t hear back about it.” Officials at the Louisiana Transition Centre for Women and the corporation that operates the prison, Security Management, did not respond to several calls and emails from The Washington Post requesting comment about Bell’s employment. Bell, meanwhile, watched Bourgeois’s belly grow, and she waited.
On May 16, when Bourgeois went into labour and was sent to a hospital for the delivery, Bell said she was called into a meeting with administrators at the facility. “The captain said: ‘We’ve learned that your contact information was given to an inmate,” and he told me it was against the rules,” Bell recalled. “He asked if I was still going to go through with [caring for the baby], and I told him that if the hospital called me, I was going to go and get that child.” She said she wanted to help Bourgeois and decided to face whatever consequence came her way. Bell said she was hoping the consequence would not be steep. She had worked in juvenile and women’s corrections as a guard for about eight years and always enjoyed her job, which was only a 20-minute commute each day across the Mississippi border. “I was aware it would be seen as a conflict of interest, but I am a woman of my word,” said Bell, who had worked at the facility for almost four years. “I wanted to do the best thing for Katie and her child.”
She said she was terminated on the spot. The following day, May 17, Bourgeois gave birth to a seven-pound boy and named him Kayson. Bourgeois was sent back to prison to complete the remaining two months of her sentence, which she was serving for using drugs while on parole, she said. She gave the hospital permission for Bell to get her son. “I knew that Miss Bell really cared, and that Kayson would be in good hands,” she said, adding that she wasn’t allowed to see or talk to Bell. Once Bell got a call and was told that she could pick up the baby, she raced over to the hospital, filled out paperwork and showed the hospital her identification. Once everything was verified, she scooped up Kayson, buckled him into the new car seat she had bought and took him home. She also had loaded up on nappies, wipes and baby outfits. Some of the other corrections workers at the facility brought her a bassinet for him to sleep in.
About 700 women were incarcerated at the transitional prison, said Bell, adding that she learned to feel compassion for them while she worked there. “So many of them have been used and abused and have had hard lives on the streets,” she said. “I found that if I showed them a little love, it went a long way. I sensed that Katie was a good person who had just made some bad choices in her life.” About 58,000 pregnant women are incarcerated every year in the US, according to a 2017 study by the Pregnancy in Prison Statistics Project. Bell said that by helping Bourgeois, she hoped to give her some solid reasons to rebuild her life and find new purpose.
“I do know one thing – she has a beautiful little boy,” said Bell. “He’s a good little boy who doesn’t cry much,” said Bell, noting that she spent weeks feeding Kayson every two to four hours. When Bourgeois was released from prison on July 4, “it was further confirmation that I’d done the best thing for them both”, said Bell, 58.
She was waiting for Bourgeois in the prison parking lot that day to pick her up. She said she couldn’t wait to show her how much Kayson had grown. Mother and son are staying with Bell at her home until Bourgeois can find employment and save enough to live on her own, she said, adding that Bourgeois was considering becoming a hairstylist. “She and Kayson are welcome to stay here for as long as they need to,” said Bell, who also looks after her grandchildren every summer. “I’m excited for Katie and what the future holds for her.” Bell said she recently obtained a job helping one of her neighbors care for an elderly parent for eight hours a day while she considers future employment options. “Losing my job has been hard – my kids have been helping me out,” she said.
She said she is reminded that she did the right thing every time she holds Kayson. “To see his little face and his smile – it was just a joy,” she said. “And now, to watch Katie with him and see all of that love and the promise of a new beginning has made it all worthwhile.”
Bell said her dream was to start a group home for women recently released from prison who had no place to go. Bourgeois said she would help. “How can I thank this woman? She’s a stranger who showed so much love,” Bourgeois said. “If not for this angel, I don’t know what I would have done. I feel like I’ve found a friend forever in Miss Bell.”
You probably remember the horrific story – In March of 2018, an SUV carrying two adults and six children drove off a cliff along Pacific Coast Highway. It was deemed a murder-suicide at the hands of Jennifer and Sarah Hart, a white lesbian couple who adopted the Black children from two families in Texas children on board.
The above and what follows are thanks to a story online by LINK>WBUR about Roxanna Asgarian, author of the book who’s cover is above. When the Houston reporter sought out the birth families of those children, she discovered a flawed and over-burdened child welfare system that routinely mistreats Black families. What started as a newspaper assignment turned into Asgarian’s new book.
The birth mother of three of the six children was battling drug addiction. Her children were cared for by their aunt and a father figure, who was not related to them. They were removed by Child Protective Services when the aunt asked their birth mother to babysit one day because she could not find any other childcare. The other three were removed from their birth family for reasons of supposed medical neglect. Actually, one of the children was bitten by ants at a birthday party. Their birth mother had not been able to find a ride for them to the hospital.
The adoptive mothers, the Harts, had been investigated multiple times for abuse and mistreatment. Even so, the children were never removed from their care, even when they displayed bruises and malnourishment. Asgarian says, “I knew immediately when I was let into the homes of the birth family of three of the kids that this was a child welfare story. It seemed increasingly clear as time went on that the systemic part of the story was being totally overlooked.”
You can read an excerpt of her book at the link above.
Today’s story describes what some expectant mothers go through after they decide to keep and parent their baby –
What can I do to make the guilt of keeping my baby go away? I’m not in a position to keep her really but I am going to anyways. The hopeful adoptive parents have called me selfish, and have made it clear they’ll do whatever they have to do to get my baby away from me.
I’ve already dealt with a wellness check as well as Div of Children and Families/Child Protective Services/Dept of Social Services workers coming to my home after a call to them from the hopeful adoptive parents. In the report, they said they’re worried about my unborn baby’s well being and that they know she isn’t safe with me.
I’ve sent letters formally withdrawing all consent for medical releases and stating I’m choosing to parent.
But they wont stop. They have gotten me so low, I feel like I’m ruining my baby’s life. I’m close to just saying “fine, take her”, only to make them stop. It’s overwhelming. They never stop, it’s emails, calls, voicemails, texts – all stating that I need to rethink what I’m doing.
They said they’re willing to do an open adoption, but I know they’re only saying what I want to hear. blogger’s note – the reality is that most “open adoptions” eventually fail to honor the agreements that adoptive parents will make simply to coerce the mother to let them have her baby.
Missing Mom 