Tag: Child Sexual Assault

Why ?

*** TRIGGER WARNING

I know these things happen but still my brain cannot wrap itself around the idea that an adopted girl as young as 3 has been sexually molested – her behaviors graphically illustrate that it is the reality. My heart hurts just trying to think about it.

One recommendation is related to Sex Ed Rescue – finding a better way to talk to your child about sex. Cath Hakanson is the person behind Sex Ed Rescue. She is an Australian and a qualified sexual health nurse, author and speaker. She believes that kids need help to thrive in this sexualized world. Sex Ed Rescue can help parents with … giving age-appropriate answers to tricky questions about sex, starting conversations that feel natural and guided by your personal values as well as becoming an ask-able parent.

There was a warning about virtual therapy places (specifically mentioned Better Help). They don’t all vet their “therapists”. There are horror stories out there of people being paired with people who outright say they aren’t licensed. I’ve seen people say they were matched with open white supremacists, counselors who were just telling them to leave their spouses over trivial arguments, and even therapists who were doing sessions while buying groceries – meaning that anybody in the store could hear your personal issues–a major HIPAA violation. The person went on to say – if you can find a legitimate virtual therapist it’s fine, but it would probably be difficult to find one willing to work with sexual assault victims virtually. She shares that when she was in foster care, she had to see a therapist and one of the topics that came up was child sexual abuse. One of the ways they questioned her was through games to make it more appropriate to what a child could understand. If a kid is old enough to just talk things out, virtual therapy would be great, but it would be increasingly difficult to be effective the younger the child is.

Tiffany Hamilton aka Never Alone Support was recommended. She is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my step-father. She says that her goal is to provide this type of support to any victim who is seeking it. She says, “I want to help them where they are with whatever they need. This is my passion and my hope is that I can make a positive difference in the lives of sexual abuse victims and help to save them from a life of addiction, self-harm, and suicide. She has a podcast on Apple.

Most important – from an adoptive parent of children who have been sexually abused – I know that for a single parent, keeping her world and physical contacts limited is not easy but in my experience it is absolutely necessary. 4 years in for us and we’ve had a lot of progress with consistent therapy and boundaries.

I would be extremely cautions of any child or adult you leave her alone with, until you have some significant progress in these behaviors and she understands that it is not okay for others to touch her private area other than diaper changes. And also that she cannot touch others. I would also limit how many people can change her diapers. Children that have been sexually abused and have sexual behaviors are more likely to be abused again, and it’s more likely that someone close and trusted would abuse her. If she goes to daycare/school they need to have a designated person to change her, not just who ever is available. She needs to have healthy boundaries with others and a limited number of people who can have contact with her genital area for her care and hygiene.

Do not shame her for masturbating, it’s not something she has control over, but you want her to be safe – so be sure to keep her in the clothing that prevents her from inserting anything. But touching herself is an appropriate response with a child who has been sexually assaulted. Gentle redirection without shame is what you need. So don’t say “you can’t touch,” say “oh look at this toy! It is okay to redirect her to an appropriate activity that occupies her hands – “Let’s wash your hands and play with playdoh!” Gentle redirection, if she tries to have anyone else touch her. “It’s not appropriate for so and so to touch you there.” This is why it’s important to limit who can change/bathe her. She needs to know that only those people who are safe can touch her when they bathe/change her.

This is an extremely urgent need. Contact her pediatrician, see if they can expedite referrals. Also, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Keeping logs may help you find patterns in her behavior that can identify possible triggers, and could also identify abusers. For instance if she spends time with a family member and is sexually acting out every time following a visit that is a red flag. Contact your local children’s advocacy center and see if they can do a forensic interview. A forensic interview could identify the abuser and knowing the nature of the abuse could be helpful.

Thwarted Father

I had never heard this legal term – Thwarted Father. However, there has been the occurrence of one in my own family. I thought I was “close” to my youngest sister when she became pregnant out of wedlock. It was always her intention to give her baby up for adoption and she sent me packages from prospective adoptive parents for my opinion about each. She also lied to me about who the father was. She lied about who the father was on her baby’s birth certificate.

Fast forward many years. Just before our dad died, my nephew’s adoptive mother contacted me. I had to share with her that my nephew’s mother actually is severely mentally ill (most likely paranoid schizophrenia but medical privacy laws have prevented our family from actually knowing her diagnosis – so this is experientially on my part but it is clear her mind operates in an entirely different way – which surprisingly I sort of understand as a kind of limbo – in this world we collectively share in common but not in exactly the same world that most people agree is a reality, using that last term rather loosely).

The DNA was just not adding up. I will always feel deeply grateful to my nephew’s adoptive mother for her willingness to go the extra mile for him to have accurate identity information. She hired a private investigator and eventually the DNA was narrowed down to two men who were brothers and who as it turns out my sister had had sexual relations with. Paternity tests of an advanced nature then determined which man was the father. Interestingly, he had only been with my sister sexually once. And she seduced him – according to the story – when she opened the door to him (he was there to drop papers off for our dad who was his friend), she dropped the towel covering her naked body. From a cousin there is an indication that my sister was sexually assaulted by her riding coach when she was only middle school age. While their interactions may have been consensual, at that age, I would not term it informed consent.

My nephew was a mature young adult by then. Certainly, it was awkward for my sister because she was very close with our dad. However, there is a dark side to this story. She knew. About 6 months after her baby was born and already adopted, she sent a newborn photo of her son to the father and told him. He threatened to sue for custody. On Father’s Day, she called his house very early in the morning to inform him the adoptive parents and the baby had been killed in a car accident. Imagine his surprise and his anger at having been thwarted from having a relationship with his son. They do try to build a relationship now. It is always hard to make up for all that was lost – in fact – it is never possible.

What exactly do ‘thwarted fathers’ get? Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch.  Well unless you consider the scripted ridicule.  And then they get ‘deadbeat’, ‘loser’, ‘serial impregnator’, ‘sperm donor’, etc…

According to the Meriam Webster dictionary, to thwart is to:

  1.  run counter to so as to effectively oppose or baffle : contravene
  2.  oppose successfully :  defeat the hopes or aspirations of
  3.  pass through or across

In the case of adopted individuals – a “Thwarted Father” means he was effectively opposed, that the adoptive couple effectively violated his rights, even if unknowingly.  It means his hopes and aspirations of being a father were defeated. He was passed. His child stolen from him with a trickery of the law. And I would add, a deliberate falsehood.

At this time, my nephew and myself as well (and his natural, biological/genetic father) all keep ourselves out of the awareness of my sister. It pains my own heart that it must be so but she refuses to accept treatment, as is her right. However, it is upsetting to be in direct contact with her. So we each, for our own well-being, chose not to have contact with her.

Welcome to June when we turn some of our attention to fathers. They deserve a bit, don’t you think ? With my two sons, I would be totally lost in trying to raise them without their dad in their lives. I know single moms who do a good job of it and maybe I would too – if I had to. Let’s just say, I’m grateful that I do not have to test that possibility in reality.