Tag: Childcare Issues

Just Want It To End

THC Gummies look like candy.

Today’s story is from an adoptee who is also a mom (and it isn’t me) –

In February, an incident happened in my home while my ex husband was watching our kids and I was out with friends for the first time in almost half a decade. In that situation, 2 of my kids had to go to the hospital for ingesting THC gummies, from there Child Protective Services (CPS) was called and they took all 4 of my kids. I am still fighting it all to this day. Luckily, all of them are with family or close friends. My older two are with their grandma, my 3rd is with her god mom and my 4th is with her god mom.

My 4th, I didn’t parent as I should have. She was with her god mom 5 days a week, overnight too because I was made to work a god awful shift of 11am-9pm everyday, so by the time I was off, #4 was asleep and I didn’t want to disturb her.

Today my 4th baby is one.

During the CPS case, I’ve been pressured to give #4 up for adoption to her godparents. I thought I was doing the right thing since everyone around me kept saying how “selfless” I am for this choice after being talked into it. That it would be better for my baby since she loves them so much, knows their routine with her, and she “knows them as her mom and dad”.

I don’t want this.

I have thought this over and over. Judge gave them full custody already in April. They’ve paid almost 10k already into this adoption, I feel horrible for making them waste SO much money. But I do not want this and I don’t know what to do.

I guess this was more venting than anything, or if anyone has been in anything similar? I feel hopeless, and with a CPS case on me already, I don’t know if there is even a chance of my being able to get my baby back.

I’m not an awful mom. I have done absolutely everything the social worker has told me to do, I just want this all to end. I want all of my babies home and now I might only get 3 home instead of all 4.

blogger’s note – though these are unique and not necessarily likely to happen to anyone, the story is a cautionary note about what can happen. I do consume 1/2 of a 10mg edible as my “sippy hour” each evening. While it doesn’t directly “cure” my constant joint and muscle aches, it does distract my mind from them. Though I have 2 young adult sons who their father has made aware that I do this, I am very discrete and control access in a non visible location. My sons are too old now for me to worry about CPS and I have great compassion for any person who has to work such extreme hours just to get by.

One mother of loss had this to suggest – Fight it to the bitter end! Do NOT give up! At least if you fail in this regard, one day your child will know you fought for her! Also, do NOT feel guilty! You did not ask them to invest all of that $ into trying to take your child!

If anyone uses the attachment your child has to them as an excuse for them to keep her then suggest a transition period back to you – then they have no excuse for her to not go back to you! Tell whoever is in charge you are willing do whatever it takes to get your child back whether it is therapeutic visits, supervised visits, and/or parenting classes, etc., during the transition back to you.

I would then find someone else to watch her while you work after you get her back so you don’t ever risk anything like that again with them.

Please do not give up! You will regret giving up (most likely the rest of your life), but you won’t regret fighting to keep her!

What’s Best ?

Lily’s Slimy Struggle by Hefess on DeviantArt

Today’s Sticky Situation – I have a friend who approached me asking if we could adopt her child she is currently pregnant with. She has frankly just an absolutely awful situation. Her baby’s father is getting out of prison soon after baby’s birth. (Within a month or so of birth) He does not know she is pregnant. I know him. We all grew up together. He’s awful. Abusive in every sense of the word. Drug addict. Been know to be inappropriate with children. Scary guy honestly. She has tried to leave him in the past and he’s always found her. She has no money. No savings. No family. We have exhausted looking into women’s shelters in our area and none are accepting people right now. She is insistent that she wants me and my spouse to raise her child and while we could very easily welcome a child into our home, that’s really not the point. She refuses to stay with me in fear of brining danger to my family and kids once her ex is out of prison. She’s saying she understands if I don’t want to take her baby but that if I won’t she is going to put baby up for adoption, terminating all parental rights, the whole thing. I really feel like she is going to regret this. I’ve offered some of the resources I’ve seen mentioned in here with really no changes in her decision. What would you do in this situation? My wife is of the mind that we should agree with the idea that baby won’t be going to strangers and if she changes her mind she won’t be in a situation where her baby is just gone to a new family she doesn’t know and will have no recourse to her baby back. With us this can all be undone if she wants that at any point. I don’t disagree with that but it still just feels so wrong. Is this the right choice? What else can we do to help her? I’m just so lost on how to proceed. I know deep down she does not want to give up her baby. She feels like she’s doing it for their safety and I understand that reasoning. Thoughts? I would appreciate so much any advice. Thanks!

Initial response – Can you look into women’s shelters in other counties or states? Either way it seems like getting far away from the abusive father would be beneficial for her and baby. I know many people recommend guardianship in lieu of adoption. I don’t know the specifics of how that works but maybe that could be an interim option.

The original commenter’s response – We have looked out of area and there seems to be some options for housing but she has a decent job here. She makes just enough to support herself. She’s not sure how to move out of area with a newborn, no savings and no job lined up. I’m not sure how that works either. I completely agree leaving the area would be best.

This response seems practical – Talk to a lawyer (or pay for her to do so). One experienced in domestic violence and child custody would be best. Dad will be able to claim parental rights no matter how bad he is, so she’ll need legal advice about how to keep him away from the baby no matter what option she chooses. Then you could talk to the lawyer about a guardianship arrangement, if she needs someone (you) to care for baby, and it will be much easier to get baby back when things are more stable.

The original commenter’s response was – I’ve mentioned this to her. I’ll keep working on her because I agree I think this a good idea. Her plan was to adopt baby out and claim she doesn’t know who the father is.

To which the answering response was – that may work, but if he finds out about it, he could contest the adoption and even potentially get full custody if she’s surrendered her own rights.

And the original commenter’s response was – I’ve mentioned that to her. She’s just so scared I think she isn’t fully hearing half of what I’m saying. I don’t see any scenario he could ever get custody though. He’s a registered child sex offender along with drug charges, gang ties. Things like that.

There is some question about whether she is married to this man or not – if he is her husband, he’d automatically be put on the birth certificate. If he’s not, she’d have to name him to get his name on the birth certificate, but if he finds out (from a mutual friend, etc), he could assert rights and demand a DNA test to prove paternity. Hopefully he has no interest in that, but abusers often do stuff like that just to pull their ex back in, even if they have no interest in parenting. All it takes is for a mutual acquaintance to see her pregnant belly at the grocery store and pass the word.

Finally this advice, a plan that can be put into action – For now, set up a temporary guardianship for when the baby is born. That way, you can take care of baby’s medical needs and everyone involved can be as safe as possible, but she still has her parental rights. Tell her not to sign the father’s name on the birth certificate when the baby is born. This means no child support, but also no abusive man can come take the baby unless he demands a paternity test. Have her keep her SS, ID, and Birth Certificates in a very easy to grab place that’s not suspicious. This could be with her or you, just somewhere safe. This is so any split second notice she can take it and leave without it being noticeable. Start saving up for a deposit that can get her and baby into a new, unknown place with a cushion too so she has time to get job or income assistance. Keep an eye around town for the shelters opening up. Its not illegal to be homeless with a newborn for this exact reason. Do the same with food drives. Maybe start hording separate gobags with diapers and formula as well. Get a burner phone. Depending on how tech savy he is, one without a GPS. He will probably be calling her off the hook and/or looking for her once he gets out. Finally, and this is worst case scenario and I hate to bring it up, she needs to put it in a legal contract who this baby is going to if she dies. This will also ideally be in the go bag. I can’t help on the adoption end of your question, but I’ve been through the leaving part. It’s going to be scary, and its gonna f**king suck. I’ve had to do this before, minus a child.