Tag: Closed Adoptions

Doing It Right

Today’s story is how someone is doing an open adoption the right way.

My daughter is 5 she knows she was born from mama c’s tummy, and knows that is why she looks different from most of her family. We also have an open adoption that has become much more open over the past year, in the beginning mama c only wanted a few letters and photos no other contact. Once mama c was ready for more we jumped at the relationship. We visit with mama c and bio siblings every couple months (we live 6 hours apart) and text several times a week and even took a vacation with them earlier in the summer.

Even so, an issue has popped up that the mother is seeking advice to handle it as best as she can. The closest in age sibling is just a couple years older and mama c has not wanted to tell the girls that they are sisters. They know how my daughter was born etc but we have not used the term sisters. We just say we are family. Mama c has asked if I know of any books etc to share with here daughter to help make the conversation easier. I am looking for suggestions to help facilitate this conversation because I think the older one for sure knows but does not want to ask the hard questions and my girl is asking questions that I am having to bend the truth in answering, to stay in line with what mama c is comfortable with. Next visit will be Labor Day (we have visited the past 3 days with them) and we are hoping to have that conversation then, if not before. I am trying to follow mama c’a lead here but since she asked about books and for advice during this last visit, I am trying to help, so that we can all get everything out in the open.

One commenter wrote – All these girls need adoption competent therapy! And their mom too. As far as books go, I haven’t found anything good. Most of the adoption books out there are gross because they’re heavily biased towards adoptive parents. One book I love is called LINK>The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld. It’s not about adoption or anything specific; it’s about a child who is upset and how they just need to be listened to. You can find that read aloud at the YouTube link above.

One adoptive mother shares her experience – My family is two adopted sons age 13 and 10, then two biological daughters age almost 5 and 2. The natural mother has been a part of almost every vacation and has come to our house several times to spend a week. The almost 5 year old has understood the dynamics of “(natural mother’s name) is my brother’s mama. But not my mama.” I share this to say – this is totally within the range of a 5 year old’s ability to understand.

Another recommends this book, LINK>Sam’s Sister by Juliet C. Bond Lcsw, even though she hasn’t personally read it. I went looking. Here is a summary – Five year-old Rosa suspects that something is wrong with her mama. What she discovers brings immense joy and sadness to her tiny family. Mama is pregnant, but she cannot keep the baby. Instead, she’s arranging an open adoption.

Another shares – I haven’t read this as it doesn’t apply to our situation but LINK>Holly Marlow has written a book that helps children understand that some siblings live at home while another/others may live with family/foster/adopted. It’s only been released in the last couple of weeks. However, a mother of loss disagreed with this recommendation, writing – she seems to be an adoptive parent and, as a natural mother, I’m getting the ick from some of the things I’m seeing she’s written. I really wish adoptive parents would stop writing books, just my personal opinion, we’ve heard enough from them sharing our stuff and profiting off the biological families stories and the children they bought.

Another mother of loss who’s son is in a closed adoption writes –  do not have a book to recommend, but I am a first mom who has since had children that I parent. My first child was 11 when the first child I parent was born. Unfortunately the adoption was closed but the entirety of the lives of my children I do parent I tell them about my first son. Every month I write a letter and send it. The children I parent are 2 and <1 year. I have my 2 year old tell me things he wants to tell his big brother. He knows he has a big brother that lives far away with different adults. He regularly looks at photos of his brother, and the rest of our family in family photo albums.

An yet another mother of loss writes – Children should always know their truth. Shame on anyone who keeps it from them. My children always knew they had a sibling who was gone from the family. Because they always knew, there was no need for any conversation or “age appropriate” anything. My daughter on the other hand was never told. It’s bullshit.

An adoptee shares – She just needs to speak it. Kids understand all kinds of things. Therapy would be so beneficial. I knew from before my understanding that I had half siblings, even had a picture of one of them and my adoption was locked down closed (adopted from foster care as a toddler). It’s odd to me that the child’s mother will come for visits and just won’t share the simple, basic truth that they are sisters.

Not Uncommon At All

Today’s adoptee story –

I reconnected with my biological mom, confirmed a LOT I was told by some mysterious people and as a treat I called my “dad” (adoptive dad) and confronted him about all the lies he and my “mom” told me. He vehemently denied it of course but then, he was like “it’s water under the bridge anyway.” SO YOU ADMIT IT…

For context: my adoptive parents told me ever since I was little that my bio mom wanted an abortion but they tried to get her to be a parent for 2 years.

The TRUTH is that my biological mom was just 16 and scared. She was told it would be an open adoption (blogger’s note – commonly used to get cooperation but never enforceable) where she would still have visitation rights. But my adoptive parents tricked her and had her sign a closed adoption agreement. My biological mom was too trusting of my adoptive parents and they held it over her for years, until my adoptive mom finally cut her off when I was 10. She went so far as to even intercept mail and calls, making it where I couldn’t easily find my biological mom for years, even into my adulthood. I finally found her 3 months ago but she was in jail for a DUI. Her life has been pretty bad since she had a falling out with my half brother. My biological mom isn’t perfect but in the few hours we talked, she was kinder and more honest than my adoptive parents ever were.

One response was – Stories like this are why I am all for the complete and utter abolishing of adoption. The system is never going to get better.

Really ? Infertility Called You To Do This . . .

The image comes from from Natasha Metzler’s essay LINK>Adoption is Not a Fix for Infertility.

She writes – I can tell you, without question or qualm, that adopting did not and could not fix our infertility. It wasn’t a cure or a correction. Adoption is actually an entirely different everything from infertility. It has its own set of highs and lows, good and hard, beauty and trial. So if you’re ever tempted to say to someone who is struggling with infertility, “Why don’t you just adopt?” I’m letting you know that’s like telling someone who lost their minivan in a car wreck, “Why don’t you just get a Mack truck?”

I started into this topic after reading someone in my all things adoption group write – I made a post on my own wall about my frustration with the Christian belief that one is individually “called” to adopt via infertility.

My adoptive mother’s cousin (my cousin, who is one of my truly favorite people on earth and who I adore) commented. And, in typical traumatized fashion, I instantly reached for the most harmful cognitive distortion I could find: I assumed that if I told her what was true for me (that I am an abolitionist) that it would come back to my adoptive mother (with whom I’m currently living) and I’d be on the streets.

Now. It’s not like my cousin to spread things that could hurt other people, for one. For another, my adoptive mother knows I’m an abolitionist. And finally, even if she hadn’t and this “news” got back to her, she isn’t likely to throw me out — our relationship is better than that.

So the easiest way for me to avoid painful cognitive distortions like this is to avoid talking about adoption in public at all. When I do, I am always very careful to only say what is palatable for people whose lives are otherwise touched by adoption in other ways (including other adoptees who are still experiencing the cognitive dissonance we refer to as “the fog”).

The adoptees you know are the same, whether they are “happy dappy adoptees” or they are “angry adoptees.” I promise you they don’t tell you everything they feel about adoption and that the reason (whether conscious or not) is fear.

You will always come closest to a real understanding of adoption through adoptee voices. But you must understand that many of us are STILL holding back the truth of our lived experience and our reality as adoptees.

So when you think you know, and you’ve just begun to hate this industry as much as we do, know this: You still don’t know how bad it is for us because so many of us are terrified to tell you.

So I went looking for that post she referred to. She wrote – This post is going to offend some people who simply think adoption is a wonderful way to help children in need.

Here’s the first quote: “We have always wanted a family and after two years of unsuccessful fertility treatments, we feel that the Lord is leading us to expand our family through adoption!”

I have two problems with this. The first is that it took until after two years of struggling with fertility treatments for this couple to decide they wanted to adopt. This means that adoption is Plan B. It means that we, as adoptees, are plan B. (I’ve accepted this a long time ago.)

The second is that if God was calling you to adopt, would He truly have used your suffering, pain, and personal trauma to prompt you to follow a calling, or would He give you signs that didn’t require you to become so broken *before* becoming parents? (We know that broken people don’t make the best parents, regardless of the process they had in becoming parents.)

“We are open to any gender and we would prefer a newborn.” So God called you to become one of the 100+ couples waiting for each newborn who becomes available for adoption while hundreds of thousands of children wait in the American foster care system for permanent homes through adoption or guardianship — and many want to be adopted AND can consent to it? This is not a way in which God calls people to help solve a societal problem because there is no lack of homes for newborns, only a lack of newborns for homes.

“After much consideration and prayer, we have decided that we want to have a closed adoption.” So God answered their prayers about adoption and told them that the best way for them to serve Him is to sever a newborn permanently from their family tree of origin and then to make it as difficult as possible for that child to know where they come from. All so they can make the baby truly theirs.

She ends with this – As much as I cannot understand this mindset, I’m sharing this in the hopes that some of you who have never thought about what it means to adopted people to live with adoption might take a moment to think about how weird these beliefs are. I cannot imagine that God has called anyone to participate in family destruction for the purposes of family planning.

The Reality Of Not Knowing

Blogger’s note – Though I grew up believing my parents must have been orphans because they were adopted, I never thought their origin stories were fairytales. The image came from the International Association of Adopted People (IAAP) who noted that – Every time you asked about your biological family and received dismissive remarks, it was a trauma. Every time someone corrects you on who your “real parents are” It is another micro trauma.

One adoptee agrees – adoption is one of the most devastating things that can happen to someone. It’s unnatural and from the adoptee’s perspective, it can be extremely scary. I was terrified. And my fears were always realized. It truly is more like a horror story than a fairy tale.

One woman noted the effects on her life – Answering security questions for data access: Where was your father born? What’s your father’s middle name? What’s the middle name of your oldest sibling? Where were your parents married? As soon as I see these are the first options for security question my anxiety ratchets up and my hands shake. I’d say this is a trauma response. I found out at the age of 52 that my entire existence has been a lie. My colleagues suggested I just lie or make up an answer as who’s gonna know ? Me. I’ll know. I won’t lie.

For me, it’s always been the medical history. Sorry that you were lied to, I always knew I was adopted. That’s supposed to be less traumatic to know, even if you don’t know who, when, where or why. (Blogger’s note – it was a mysterious health problem that got my adoptee mom wanting to connect with her birth mother.)

Someone else noted – we are all aware that adoption entities encouraged and fabricated falsehoods in order to make their product for sale maximally appealing. (Blogger’s note – In fact, Georgia Tann absolutely did this regarding my mom – changing her birth parents ages and educational status to match what my mom’s adoptive mother had specified.)

Another noted – The worst thing about adoption is closed adoptions. The second worst thing is you cannot get your original birth certificate in some states. Secrecy, shame and religious politics rule. (Blogger’s note – both of my adoptee parents adoptions were “closed” because it was the 1930s. I also found it impossible to acquire original birth certificates from Virginia or California.) Though someone noted – for many adoptees there are things FAR WORSE than not having access to their original birth certificate ! (Blogger’s note – sadly I do know there are, I’ve read far too many accounts of such in an all things adoption group.)

Then someone else notes – A lot of these adoptive parent marriages are not fairytales either. (Blogger’s note – my dad’s first adoptive father was an abusive, raging alcoholic. His adoptive mother eventually threw the man out. I learned via Ancestry.com that he died young of cirrhosis of the liver.) I don’t know why they call an even possibly good marriage a fairytale anyway? I think that whole “you were chosen thing” is a joke too. Yeah, you actually have to pick who you have a relationship with but if you’re adopted as a baby, you’re not really chosen except for maybe basic things you don’t have any control over anyway.

And from my own experience of learning my actual biological, genetic roots I can appreciate what this woman shares – I recently identified my family and met my father months before he died. Knowing my origins has had an enormously positive impact on my mental health. I don’t have the constant questions going around my mind. I have brain space. This is what the kept must experience from day 1. The trauma continues because I can never be fully integrated into either family. However, now that all 4 “parents” are dead, the only word to express what I feel now is I am “free”. No more obligations to other people’s agendas.

Regrets Are Strong On Holidays

Shared by a mother who surrendered her child to adoption –

Being a birth mother SUCKS during seasons and special times like these, whilst we also have children being raised by other families. I honestly feel its getting harder and harder as the years go by. I’m truly struggling more to handle the fact as the years go by, the older she gets, the more this pain keeps going. “It’ll be okay” but truthfully, it never has been. The pain can seriously be way too much because we’re just wishing things were different.

All I want to do is watch my 11 year old daughter open her presents because Santa came and listen to her voice, her giggles and see her smile, and just be happy. There’s that piece, the little spot, that hole, the little place that is missing and needs to be put back. I hate that it won’t ever be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful she’s safe. I was unstable and couldn’t parent when I was 19. Then it happened, and she was taken away due to domestic violence and I being controlled by that. Now I’m stable and healthy but I am still missing out on my child’s life. I’m thankful she has a safe home now but it’s not mine, I wish it was so badly!

I cant even send a little message to say Happy Birthday because it’s a closed adoption! All these rules drive me crazy! Just a single cuddle. ANYTHING! The years are getting harder and harder and I’m not coping. I wish I didn’t have to live with this, feel this. But sadly I am, I wish I could remember her smell. OMG, I miss her so much.

But anyway, Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas to my beautiful daughter who unfortunately isn’t at home. And Merry Christmas to all the lovely and kind people who can understand a mom’s feelings regarding a missing child.

Georgia Tann’s Impact

Blond girl (not my mom) with Georgia Tann

From a blog by New Hope Investigations, LINK>How a Criminal’s Dark Actions Continue to Shroud Adoptions in Unnecessary Secrecy.

My husband said today, regarding my mom’s adoption facilitated by Georgia Tann, that my mom had been stolen. My mom believed that and had her own story about it. Mostly, thanks to Georgia Tann, my mom’s adoption was “closed” and the file “sealed”, which kept her from obtaining what I now possess (her whole adoption file including letters from my mom, her adoptive mother and her biological genetic mother). I saw falsehoods incorporated into alternate surrender documents to match my adoptive grandmother’s “specifications” for the baby girl she wanted to adopt (a Jill to go with the previously adopted brother, the Jack, in the children’s rhyme). My adoptive grandmother was a repeat customer of Georgia Tann’s, though she was actually more closely involved with Fannie Elrod, who was the superintendent of the Tennessee Children’s Home Society’s entire operation headquartered in Nashville.

The children’s rhyme is actually a dark one – Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Oh my !!

Ms. Tann orchestrated over 5,000 adoptions between 1924 and 1950, though the actual number is likely closer to 6,000. She kidnapped many of those children before placing them for adoption into families who were only screened for their wealth. Before Georgia Tann entered the picture, adoption was extremely uncommon. With her black market practice, she singlehandedly popularized adoption, kickstarting it into existence as we know it today.

Very unfortunately for adoptees even still today, Georgia Tann made it common practice to falsify adoptees’ birth certificates to reflect incorrect information. She did this to cover her own tracks and mask her sinister crimes. Legislators were all too eager to approve this practice with the supposed intent of sparing adoptees’ the stigma of illegitimacy. In all reality, many of those legislators turned their heads the other way because they themselves had adopted children through Georgia Tann.

Still today, all 50 states issue an original birth certificate to adoptees, as well as an amended birth certificate that reflects the adoptive parents as the birth parents. The original certificate is typically then sealed forever, unable to be accessed even by the adoptee him or herself. (blogger’s note – I am fortunate to actually have a copy of my mom’s original birth certificate.)

As the child of two adoptees who this affected, I grew up not knowing our biological facts, cultural history or ethnic make-up, and nothing of our family medical history. Some adoptees have only bits and pieces of knowledge about themselves. (blogger’s note – this was true for both of my parents at some point in their lives but never a complete knowledge before they each died 4 months apart, after over 50 years of marriage.)

(Blogger’s note – my mom definitely registered her DNA with Ancestry’s database in the hope of uncovering biological family members but it never happened for her. She tried to construct a family tree, based only on the adoptive families for both her self and my dad, but had to give it up because she simply knew it was not “real”. Adoptees are forced to live a false identity.)

Even when Georgia Tann’s crimes were finally publicly outed, she remained safeguarded because of the numerous politicians, legislators, judges, attorneys, doctors, nurses, and social workers who would have gone down with her. She had such a wide net of accomplices that to take her down would have also meant the collapse of a very widespread group of prominent citizens. Memphis was a terribly corrupt city at the time. Georgia Tann died from cancer on September 15, 1950 at age 59.

Certainly, this describes my mom’s mother’s circumstances – The majority of children targeted by Georgia Tann came from poor, white, single mothers who had no resources or support. During the era of Ms. Tann’s operations, and very much perpetuated by Ms. Tann herself, single mothers who kept their children began to be regarded as selfish. It became the norm for the majority of these women to choose adoption when they no longer received support from their families and were instead sent away for the duration of their pregnancies with shame attached to their “condition”. (blogger’s note – my maternal grandparents were married but the lack of financial support from her father or her husband allowed my grandmother to be exploited and coerced by Georgia Tann to surrender my mom.)

The terribly sad effects of adoption – identity crises, bereavement for the loss of their old lives, feelings of isolation, grief over separation from siblings placed elsewhere, depression, confusion, and a host of other negative feelings, behaviors, and difficult experiences – stay with adoptees into their adulthoods. In 1995, the state of Tennessee made original birth certificates available to adoptees who had been born IN the state. (Blogger’s note – that my mom was born in Virginia, although adopted in Memphis, was one of the excuses the state made to deny her the adoption file.)

Blogger’s note – In fact, it was because my mom knew a great deal about Georgia Tann by the early 1990s from a multitude of stories that came out in Good Housekeeping, on 60 Minutes and thanks to Oprah, that my mom believed she had been stolen from her poor, illiterate parents in Virginia and transported to Memphis to be sold by Georgia Tann. That was not the reality and I grieve that although the actual reality of her circumstances does not change the fact that she was adopted, she could have been allowed to know how much she was loved by the woman who gave birth to her and how she struggled to find a way to keep them together.

The New Hope Investigations piece notes in conclusion – “However, over 20 years after Tennessee’s victory, adoptees still face pushback and denial of access to their original birth records.” Also that they wrote their blog inspired by Barbara Bisantz Raymond’s book, The Baby Thief, and praised that she really did her homework having conducted over 1,000 interviews for her phenomenal book. Barbara Bisantz Raymond also previously contacted this blogger, thanks to my own efforts with this blog. When my mom died, still knowing nothing, I felt the responsibility to complete the effort my mom had made to learn her own origins. In having succeeded, I have honored my mom’s trust in sharing her feelings and beliefs with me. Sadly, my adoptee dad was unsupportive.

Like Dominos Tumbling

Yesterday, as I was considering how the pieces of my own roots journey unfolded, I had this image of Dominos – one leading to the next. I had been in the dark about my own genetic, biological roots for more than 60 years. My mom had tried to discover her own but was denied and rejected when she made her attempts. My dad never seemed to want to know or maybe he was just afraid of what he might discover.

Never the less, one amazing revelation after another and in only 1 year’s time, I knew most of it. Some additional pieces have come my way since then but nothing as absorbing and amazing as that year since. Was I just lucky or was it just the appropriate time for everything that had been hidden and sealed off to reveal it self ? It was like there was an energy of disclosure that would no longer be denied.

From my mom’s biological, genetic mother and father to my dad’s biological, genetic mother and father, one after the other, doors opened and the truth was revealed. It feels very solid now – I know from whom and where I came from. Not that dark place of knowing nothing that I lived with for over 60 years.

I’m grateful for my success. I could have just as easily failed – or could I have ? Somehow, it was just finally the time for the truth to out itself. All I did was follow the bread crumbs, from one piece of information to the next, until there were not a lot more to follow – though some turn up from time to time – a relative in Denmark, where my dad’s father immigrated from. More recently from that same family line via Ancestry, the wife of another one who is highly interested in genealogy.

I will follow any that come but mostly I’ve arrived at wholeness and that has meant everything I could have ever hoped for. I believe I fulfilled the reason I wasn’t given up for adoption by my young, unmarried parents who were both adoptees (they did manage to get married before I was born). Thanking all that is good in this world.

One-Sided Relationships

Today’s story – So I’m an adoptee. It was a closed adoption. My birth mother kept me a secret from everyone. Thankfully, due to a search angel and 23 and Me, I was able to find my half brother on my biological father’s side. We have a pretty good relationship.

My question is – why is it that, it seems like if we want to get together, I have to be the one to drive up to his family ? All the times we’ve gotten together, it’s been my 10 year old daughter and I driving 4 1/2 hours to see them ? I’ve invited them down for the last several years to be here for her birthday and they either forget or something comes up and they just don’t respond. Yet they’ll go up to Arkansas, 3-4 times a year, to visit his half brother and now come to find out they are moving there. Also, why is it that none of my other family wants to come up and meet them ?

I thought finding him would fill some whole but the fact is it didn’t. I feel more isolated and unattached to everyone more than ever. Is this a common thing ? Is it me ? Am I not good enough or am I just crazy with unrealistic hopes ?

One response noted – lots of people are one sided in their relationships – I have a cousin who, every time I drive to California (6 hours from my home), expects us to drive an additional 2 hours to see him/his family from wherever we are (and will never drive to meet us, where we are). However, every time he comes to Arizona (every few months – makes sure no one knows he/his family are in town, until after he leaves and makes excuses as to why he didn’t reach out). I made this the year I stop putting in all the effort. If a relationship is one-sided, then I am done doing it all. I haven’t talked to either of my two close friends since June, due to this kind of situation. I stopped being the one doing all the calling and planning. I find there is something freeing and I am now focusing my energy elsewhere.

Yet another notices the same thing –  some people do a poor job thinking about how their actions (or lack of) affect others. I’ve see this “one way” effort, so so so many times, in all types of family dynamics. That is not to excuse the behavior but to say you’re not unrealistic, your feelings are 100% valid on this, there’s NOTHING wrong with you (you ARE enough) – I’m so sorry for that added pain and heart ache and I hate to report this behavior is not uncommon.

One adoptee shared – I hate this because I’ve been experiencing something similar with my biological family members. They even all got together this summer for two months and didn’t even bother to let me know. They choose to prioritize each other because that’s who they consider “family” and I’m still just the one begging to be acknowledged and invited, where all the effort falls on me or else everyone fades away. But I still will be doing it, flying out there for the holidays this year, even though I have considerably worse health problems than everyone else and don’t even have a steady income right now, because I don’t want to let the opportunities pass me by, and because I don’t have my own real “family”. So I guess I’ll settle for whatever crumbs I’m given. It really sucks, though. And then I feel bad for not just being grateful I get to have any contact with them at all, when so many never get that chance. It’s all so sick and unnatural and I’m so sorry you also have to experience anything like this.

A mom who surrendered a child to adoption answers – the only question of yours that I can answer is that you are definitely “good enough”. I’m so sorry you’re feeling isolated and unattached. I just wanted you to know YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Another adoptee writes – I struggle with this too. I don’t know how or where we fit. It’s confusing. Sometimes I think it’s harder for them to come to your territory. It’s scary for them. I always went to my birth family’s home to visit too.

A therapist notes –  this is not about you. You are good enough. I cannot fathom what it is like to find family you never knew existed and what that means to them. So we do not know what motivates their behavior. You could ask for what you want and see what happens. That is a risk. Regardless, it all feels bad and I am sorry for that.

One adoptive parent notes – I was raised by my biological mother and she treats me this way. Sometimes people just suck at peopling. And being good family members. Or being nurturing and understanding. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to feel this way.

Another adoptee writes – You’re not alone. When I found my paternal side over a year ago, my half brother’s widow and her children seemed so happy I found them. They thought they had no family on that side. I was it. We texted, they sent dozens of pics, they couldn’t wait to meet me. Now there is zero interest. When I comment on a rare Facebook posting by the kids or send a text to my sister-in-law, I get either nothing or a brief text back. I guess I knew this would happen. But it still makes me feel back to being someone without a family.

Another adoptee shares a COVID experience – I found my biological dad through Ancestry or 23 and Me about 5 yrs ago and thought we have a great relationship but I had to go to him first – 3 times. Over 3,000 miles, one way, twice and closer the first time because he happened to be near me but I finally put my foot down. He travels about 5-6 times a year – at least – and to extravagant places we could never afford – for weeks at a time. I take 1 week a year of vacation, if I’m lucky, so I said I have other places I want to go and I’ve visited 3 times (and paid the costs of travel) and so, it’s their turn. Every time he offered, I said “your turn”. I was kind of surprised when they finally agreed and came. So when he and his wife did finally come, he got COVID and was super sick – so it was only a 2 day visit until that happened. I do hope they come again. He’s older and I don’t want regrets but also, like you, I want to be wanted. It’s not that much to ask really. Set your boundaries. I think we set ourselves up for being walked on by not expecting give and take. Keep saying “your turn”, when invited, and see what happens. It took a while on my end but it happened because I didn’t budge. Sometimes I hear of them traveling a lot closer to me and not suggesting we connect – which sucks – but I keep setting how I want to be treated and try not to let any slights be absorbed. I’m not chasing love anymore. I am enough and so are you.

One male adoptee shares – My birth father lives about 3 hours from me and we have yet to meet in person. We have exchanged emails but he doesn’t seem too enthusiastic to meet up. I mean, I kind of get it. I was a mistake that a 15 year old and a 16 year old made. I have met my birth mother and she was happy to meet me. Sperm donor ?, maybe, not so much a father.

Yet another adoptee notes – as the adoptee, it is on us to do All The Things, Forever. We are used to adjusting, to making room, to accommodating everyone else. The people we find may fill a hole in our lives, but to them we’re “extra”, not “missing.” And we’re expected to “understand”, whenever we are abused or forgotten.

Someone else noted – There could be a lot of reasons, most of which boil down to: he likes and cares about you, but doesn’t feel as strongly about your relationship as you do. Maybe it is limited time/money for travel, so he uses it on the family he feels closer to/has longer relationships with. He’s probably still very happy for you to visit but unwilling to change his priorities enough to come to you.

It sounds like he feels about you the same way I feel about some of my cousins – happy to see them, interested in their lives, but we’re not super close and don’t spend the time/money to see each other often. The difference is that we all feel the same way, so there’s no pain from unequal investment in the relationship.

It sucks, and I’m sorry. It sounds very much like having the depth/strength of sibling bond you want and deserve is something that adoption has taken from you. It’s not your fault, and it’s not fair.

She Loved Me So Much

At least the woman in this photo got to hold her baby before handing her son over to another couple to raise. Like many young women who surrender their newborn to adoption, this young woman was at rock bottom and living in her car. She had no familial support and was alone with her pregnancy. One common perspective is – God wanted me to take this path. Religion often plays a role in couples wanting to adopt and in biological, genetic mothers making that choice to surrender their baby. Maternity homes are often linked to a religion.

An adoptee shares her experience – My mother left me at the hospital, when I was born. I was told – she did it because she loved me. After a brief stay at the hospital, where I (and others) were denied the comfort of being held, I went to a foster home. There I learned to walk and use some words. I had developed 2-3 word sentences, when the social worker took me from my foster home and dropped me at a stranger’s home. These became my adoptive parents. By the time I was in 3rd grade, my adoptive mother was “sick”. She stayed in bed with the door closed a lot. She always seemed mad.

I would learn 22 years later, it was because she had discovered alcohol took her arthritic pain away. Then Cortizone became available but that shot every 2 weeks didn’t change her alcoholism. So she also became addicted to steroids. I grew up thinking addiction issues were “normal”. Growing up, I wasn’t taught there was anything wrong with my mother leaving me. She did it because she loved me. My parenting skills were warped by my reality. I never received the therapy I needed as a child. If I had, I’m pretty sure I would have chosen to not procreate. I was left in the dark world of popular adoption narratives that never matched my reality.

Another adoptee responds – I never did completely buy that BS about “your [biological] mother loved you SO much she gave you away, so you would have a better life.” Then when I had my own first child, at 25, same age as my biological mother had been when she had me, whatever shred of the BS I had wanted to believe was somehow true was blown out of the water, as soon as I held my newborn infant. There are some biological mothers who gave their babies away that have convinced themselves that this narrative is true. Some of them have told me the reason adoptions were closed is to “protect” the mothers from “adoptees like me” who don’t buy that line, and who are angry with them, rather than grateful for having been “loved so much.” Adopted adults have been experiencing reunions, after finding their biological, genetic family, since the 60’s. There are no credible stories of an adopted person who has injured or killed their biological mother. That “excuse” is just a part of the industry propaganda.

One woman notes – When are people going to wake up that adoption is NOT for the child. My adoptive mother had SEVERE mental illness and NEVER left the house after I turned 6 – literally NEVER!

And the truth is, they won’t as long as the adoption industry propaganda continues to be the acceptable narrative. Sort of tongue in cheek – it would help if babies had a vocabulary and could use their words. As it is, by the time they could, they’ve been pretty much brainwashed into a kind of Stockholm syndrome. They have developed a fear of expressing anything that might be interpreted by the adoptive parents as displeasure in them, as parents.

Emotional withdrawal or neglect is just another form of abandonment…and it is not an expression of love, no matter how adoptive parents spin it. Only my adopters didn’t stay confined to their rooms; they constantly violated my boundaries. I was the one who tried to isolate as much as I could. My room wasn’t safe enough, so I’d escape by running away.

Another considers herself lucky enough to have been abandoned or emotionally neglected. She notes, “It’s a wonder I function pretty well and cover it up. However, I’m just numb to most of life.”

Someone else says, I had one of those kind of “moms” who stayed in her bed in her room. No wonder I feel guilty for staying in bed when I actually have a real illness.

Lastly, yet another adoptee shares her story – I started to doubt the “loved you so much she gave you away.” line when I was still young. People would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a birth mom. I wanted to have kids and give them away to people who couldn’t have kids, so they could be happy. (Just repeating the crap I had been told.) And I was met with silence. Or “oh, you don’t want to give your babies away, your such a good little babysitter”, etc. Nope. I am going to give them away because I love them and want them to have money for the doctor. I’d say. Their faces were so unhappy. I was so confused. I look back at that little me and just cringe….

She was reassured – the fact that all the adults in our lives pushed the same narrative results in our blaming ourselves for the confusion we feel emotionally towards adoption.