Who Is Really Responsible

Sharing some intelligent and knowledgeable thoughts today (no, not my own but so good, I had to share) –

Responsibility In Adoption

WHO IS REALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR FORCED ADOPTIONS?

A few people make the point that sometimes foster parents are forced by the state to adopt their foster children. Since there was some demand for a topic addressing forced adoptions from foster care, I thought this topic was important. Let’s start with some language.

ARE FOSTER PARENTS FORCED OR ARE THEY COERCED?

According to the Oxford Dictionary, “force” includes situations where a person may be threatened into cooperating with an action they would prefer not to perform. In this way, you can say that adoptive parents are “forced” to adopt from foster care under some circumstances. But I think the word “coerced” is better because it is a more nuanced word that conveys the fact that while there were no good choices, adoptive parents still made a choice.

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE FORCED ADOPTIONS?

There’s a who and there’s a what. Let’s start with the “what.”

What we’re talking about is the Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA), a Clinton-era law intended to encourage state agencies to find and secure permanent homes for children waiting in foster care following the termination of parental rights. This act provides Federal monies for state agencies for each child adopted out of foster care in a given fiscal year. In order to continue to receive this stipend, the state agencies must increase the number of adoptions compared to the previous year. Agencies, therefore, train their caseworkers to push for (or coerce) adoptions so that they continue to receive these federal funds for their services. The Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA) is largely responsible for the number of children in foster care waiting to be adopted as well as the coercion in adoption.

The “who” is the adoptive parent.

I know you don’t want to hear this. It is so much easier to blame someone else for your involvement in a system of oppression. But let me put this simply: You would not have been forced to adopt, if you had not been involved in foster care as a foster parent in the first place.

Leaving aside any feelings many of us have about adoption and foster care in the first place, this is factually true. The caseworker could not have coerced you to adopt, if you had not already been fostering, which most of you signed up for in the first place.

THE REALITY OF FORCED ADOPTIONS

They do happen. Period. But when we put the emphasis on adoptive parents, we shift the tragedy of forced adoptions away from the helpless party: The adoptee. We also shift the emphasis from the party who truly had no choice and was literally forced: The natural family. Because the adoptee didn’t choose to be in foster care — the adoptive (formerly foster) parent did. Because biological parents didn’t choose to engage with the system — the adoptive (formerly foster) parent did.

Before you argue that biological parents chose to engage with the system, sit down and listen. Please.

The Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA) demands a supply of children to be adopted out of foster care, and Child Protective Services uses increasingly aggressive techniques to source these children. Many children in the system, even post-Termination of Parental Rights, are in the system because their parents were facing temporary situations and then the system saddled them with requirements they simply could not complete. When parents don’t complete the objectives of their case plan, their rights are terminated. Their children may be adopted “for the sake of permanency.”

ADOPTIVE PARENTS AREN’T VICTIMS

It is harmful to adoptees and their original families when adoptive parents make themselves out to be the victims in adoption. Not only does this potentially (likely) harm the adopted child and/or their first family, but it prevents the adoptive parent from healing the parts of them that are wounded by whatever causes led them to adoption. You have to be responsible for your choices. Period. As a first mother who lost her children to CPS and is now in reunion, I strive to recognize that whatever I may feel, I am not the victim. My children were. For the sake of your child, keep things in perspective. In the long run, it will also help you.

BUT WHAT ABOUT KINSHIP ADOPTION?

Kinship adoption is a true tragedy. The majority of kinship adopters didn’t set out to foster or adopt in the first place and accept responsibility for a relative’s children to keep them out of the system. In many states, they are then threatened with stranger placement, if they don’t adopt their kinship child. Adoption isn’t the right answer, but keeping children with family has to come first whenever possible. No adopter gets a free pass, but if there is an argument that can be made that kinship adopters have almost no choice because they didn’t choose to participate in the system apart from the pressure applied by the need for care inside the family.

YOU CAN DO THE WRONG THING WHILE TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING

It’s easy for those suffering cognitive distortions (often as a result of childhood abuse and trauma) to believe that participating in a broken system makes them a bad person.

Nobody’s saying that. We recognize the choicelessness you felt when confronted with the option to either adopt or allow a child you care deeply for to be removed from your home to be adopted by strangers — and you may never see them again.

But it is important, for the sake of your adopted child — that you not make yourself the victim of some third party — especially when that third party is faceless and nameless (“the system”).

LET’S GET VISIBLE!

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Sometimes The Pain Is Great

Black History Month

Trauma is stored in the DNA that is passed down through generations to descendants. One of the worst traumas that our country of the United States is guilty of is how long slavery lasted and how it was followed by Jim Crow laws. We still have a long way to go.

Today a Black mother who was coerced (and she is quick to note that coercion is not consent) but who believed lies about having an open adoption that would allow her ample contact with her son, who is being raised by white adoptive parents, was ranting. Her pain is palpable. My heart breaks as I read her words.

One hears echoes of that ancestral trauma in her first thoughts – Adoptees are bought and sold. You can change their name, their entire birth certificate & identity. They are then tasked with fulfilling the role you paid for them to fill.

She notes that due to this being a transracial adoption – it does not allowing the child’s body to give and receive all of the genetic input they would get with the biological parents, when they live & grow together. Instead the adoptive parents are fine with that and not because “the lifelong trauma of adoption + no genetic mirrors + maternal separation + finding out he was stolen and his parents wanted him back + unseasoned cultural trauma + possible religious trauma + the trauma of being transracially adopted & mean kids shit on him for it all throughout his life ” but believe he is better off than “2-3 years of trauma + therapy + reunification”.

What she seeks is that they give the child back to its biological family, noting that is not abandonment, it’s reunification. Also that a child will still seek out their true parents, even when raised by genetic strangers.

Counseling On Adoption Trauma

Today’s question – Do you feel like you were informed or educated on adoption trauma prior to adoption/guardianship ?

A mom who gave her child up for adoption answers – I was never offered counseling nor thought to seek it. When I did google information on adoption back then, nothing about trauma came up. If I had known then what I know now, I never would have done it. I have regretted it every single day of my life and will until the day I die. In response, someone noted – Those sentiments in a conversation with an adult child. Feelings of having been coerced (universally common in agency adoptions). Regret. Loss. Honestly expressing these may go a long way to help her and the child heal as they come out of the fog. An adoptee who also surrendered a child to adoption adds – It was incredibly healing to hear similar from my mom, and having that conversation with my son brought us even closer. What would have been unbelievably hurtful would have been to hear that my mom was happy she gave me away.

The experience is different when adopting through foster care – an adoptive parent answers – Yes and no. The agency we adopted through, the program we did, was mostly older (in the adoption world) placements through foster care. So yes, there was a lot of information about trauma. I felt very well educated and very well informed. We read a lot of books, had a lot of mental health resources already in place, attended trainings, etc. I am also a psychiatric nurse, so I had exposure to it already. That being said, there was still a lot of focus on the trauma being prior to adoption or early in adoption process. Since we were educated on how important birth family was, to honor that loss and grief, keep connections, and knew not to punish behaviors that were from trauma, utilize/provide resources for the children and ourselves etc, then everything would be rainbows and unicorns eventually. (Reality check – it is NOT that false narrative.)

Another adoptive parent shares – No. The Dept of Social Services (DSS) didn’t give any information, but I had studied adoption trauma in grad school. DSS was actually “shocked” when I said that my foster daughter needed therapy. Thankfully, we were referred to an OUTSTANDING doctor who dealt almost exclusively with adoption trauma, including Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

One who has guardianship notes – there was nothing. The judge signed the order and I had to figure it out from there. Child Protective Services stopped in one time to make sure we were minimally sufficient and we had one call from the court investigator. There was no support or information given. I actually find it really frustrating because when we finally did get a little support it was like a quarter of the amount foster parents get. And I was trying to keep a family member out of the system. To become a foster parent there were multiple classes. I’m not sure if they were actually as unhelpful as I remember but the whole process was overwhelming (I was 20, my cousin was going into foster care, long term guardianship was denied and we had to get approved, so he didn’t go to strangers). I’ll be honest. I was not trauma informed at all. I didn’t have a great understanding of addiction, mental health and trauma. As we get closer to adopting (a separate kin placement 6 years later) there has been a lot more information but we haven’t been offered counseling specifically. There was a two day adoption class through the state that was actually really informative and had people from all parts of the triad there to speak. We have cared for older children but it was a fight to get services for them and one child that needed medication wasn’t able to get it until reunification.

So Perfectly Expressed

Podcast by Ande Scott, a late discovery adoptee

This was NOT in her podcast but was posted by my friend on Facebook. It was so good (and I am short on time today) that I wanted to share it here.

When people tell me Adoption isn’t like it was when you were a baby – in many ways the adoption industry is worse. On the one hand, they will acknowledge that adoption is trauma, but continue to do “outreach” to coerce pregnant people in crisis to give up their children. They will acknowledge that our families are traumatized by our loss, but throw platitudes and promises at them, in order to convince them to relinquish. They acknowledge the pain, but pursue policies that deny reproductive rights, prevent sex education and access to contraceptives , and promote a false narrative that children will be better off with strangers. They acknowledge that people who lose their families should know they are being raised by others, and say they promote openness. Without advising our families that this is usually not enforceable, and still advocating for falsified birth certificates. They promote foster to adopt as the solution, but do not disclose the way this has been turned into a racket; one that involves increased policing of families, especially families of color.

They’ve gotten better at the con, out of long years of practice and access to billions of dollars. They use their lobbying and political and religious and social power to disempower others and perpetuate marginalization, when they could put the weight of their influence behind family preservation and the programs that would make our society healthier. But that would mean a loss of money and power.

Every day another child is robbed of their identity and family and culture and history via the practices of the dual birth certificate system, closed adoption (knowing you are adopted does not equate to open adoption ), private adoption, transracial adoption, transnational adoption.

None of these practices are necessary to help a child in crisis.

Policing Unethical Agencies

I read about this effort today, LINK>New Bill Introduces Federal Oversight Over Private Adoption Agencies, which seems like a step in the right direction (if the House can get it’s act together, which is a big IF at the moment) –

Congressmembers Doug Lamborn (R CO-05) and Annie Kuster (D NH-02) introduced the In Good Standing Adoption Agencies Act of 2023 (LINK>HR 5540) in the House of Representatives last week, a bill that would require the federal government to publish a list of licensed, private, 501(c)(3) adoption agencies in each state.

While private adoption agencies can provide wonderful services for families frustrated by overwhelmed, slow-moving or unresponsive public systems, unethical agencies can manipulate birth parents, adoptees and adoptive parents for personal gain. Private businesses — both for- and non-profit — need money to stay afloat. When successful adoptions are a company’s primary source of income, workers can become incentivized to force adoptions through. These bad actors can sometimes call themselves contractors or consultants to get around state laws, or they might meet licensing requirements in only one or two states.

HR 5540 would require states to tell the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) which private, non-profit adoption agencies are licensed in their jurisdiction, and which have been disciplined or sanctioned for not following the laws.

In looking for an image to illustrate today’s blog, I stumbled on this woman – LINK>Kirsta Bowman.

Kirsta is an activist for adoptees, foster children and reproductive rights. An adoptee herself, Bowman has been using her social media platforms to educate folks about the right-wing influence that runs rampant in the adoption industry as well as how said influence uses adoptees and foster children as pawns for their pro-life, for-profit agenda.

She writes – “When you grow up with pieces of paper showing how much your parents paid for you, it does make you feel like they should have a return on your investment,” Bowman said. “I grew up feeling like I had to prove my parents’ money’s worth.”

Four years ago, Bowman found her birth parents through Facebook, and that moment became the catalyst for her activism. “I started reaching out to other adoptees and realized that I’m not the only one who’s had issues with it,” she explains. “I learned that my birth mom actually did really want to keep me but was heavily pressured by my adoptive parents, and you learn how baby-hungry some of these people are who cannot physically have one.”

blogger’s note – maybe the only point I am trying to make today (I already write a lot about all that is wrong with adoption as it is practiced today and yesterday) is that there are GOOD people out there trying to make it all “better.”

Not Judging Culture But . . .

Today’s blog is not about the people pictured above who simply represent a Pakistani couple with their baby . . . but it (the story) is interesting never-the-less. Not judging another country’s cultural practices either but I agree with the person who shared this. She ends on this thought – “Am I weird to think this is a terrible practice and likely adds another layer to the trauma done to adopted people and natural mothers/parents?”

So I’m Pakistani and I’ve heard of this practice taking place among *some* Pakistani families and it rubbed me the wrong way, based on what I know about adoption and surrogacy. Basically, let’s say there are two brothers. Brother A and his wife have no issue getting pregnant and having lots of kids while Brother B and his wife are struggling with infertility. The next time Brother A and his wife are expecting, Brother B and his wife, or other family members, will suggest that Brother A and his wife give up this baby to Brother B so he and his wife can finally have a baby. So Brother A’s wife becomes a surrogate of sorts.

I personally know a family that did this and have been asked myself if I’d do this for siblings, in laws, cousins, etc. I find this problematic because to me there is an assumption that the childless couple has some sort of claim or entitlement to another couples child. From what I know, a lot of women are basically volunteered, so consent is not fully present — family pressure is crazy in Pakistani families. “Your brother has no kids and you already have three, don’t be selfish!”

It seems men/fathers are generally much more amenable to this practice. There’s also some men who will marry additional wives purely for the sake of having kids/more kids. To me, surrogacy seems problematic for many of the same reasons as adoption.

Ethics of Destroying Families

All You Have Is Love documentary

Infant adoption has long been big business in the U.S. A typical domestic infant adoption runs between $40,000 and $70,000. Adoption entities – crisis pregnancy centers, agencies, lawyers, social workers and independent facilitators – may all profit from a finalized adoption. And the demand is huge! Each year, close to two million hopeful adoptive parents throw their well-crafted picture-perfect profiles into the adoption arena, hoping to be the chosen ones.

The documentary intends to explore, through interviews with birth family members, industry professionals and reform advocates, how the adoption process exploits expectant mothers. while providing infants to those hoping to adopt.

LINK>All You Have Is Love (hopefully coming in the Spring of 2024) is a project by Lisa Elaine Scott at Seed & Spark. She is a writer, video journalist and life-long human rights activist. The documentary will explore the challenges of an unplanned pregnancy and expose the tactics used to convince resource-less women to relinquish their babies. Most people assume that adoption is about finding parents for children when, in fact, the industry’s focus is on finding children for parents.

Is it ethical to build one family by destroying another ?

However, fewer than 1% of all pregnancies result in adoption. This means that most hoping to adopt will not. This also means that a lot of money is left on the table. So how does an industry survive with an inadequate supply? The answer: Rebrand with the promise of a “modern adoption.” Then find resource-less women and convince them that their babies are better off being raised by someone with more to give.

The documentary intends to identify the various entities in the pipeline, expose the myth of “open” adoption, and present community-based solutions and evaluate proposed regulations and reforms that will place the focus on family preservation.

Do watch the YouTube for an eye-opening view of what is really going on in adoptionland.

Griping About Adoption Failure

This image came from a site FOR adoptions – LINK>Absolute Love Adoptions. I would agree with the author, Kathryn Russell, that is often simply a failure of the expectations around any adoption. I arrived there simply looking through google for an image to illustrate today’s blog.

In my all things adoption group, this story was conveyed from a ‘failed adoption group’ (I suppose intended as a support for such circumstances). The one experiencing this writes – “I just experienced my second failed adoption a week and a half ago. After taking baby home from the hospital and having her for two weeks, her birth mom changed her mind. I’m so incredibly mad. Mad at the system that provides little to no protection for adoptive parents. I’m mad at the people around the birth mom who encouraged her to parent her baby. And I’m mad at her for choosing to be selfish and do what’s best for her and not what’s best for her child. This is all so raw for me. I’m mad and I’m bitter. And to be honest, after this second failed adoption, I will not try again. My heart cannot take it.”

The person who shared this noted – “This person managed to hit almost ALL the Narcissistic Savior hopeful adoptive parent (HAP) statements …. Showing how most HAP’S ‘Really Feel’… as they sweet talk expectant mom’s like they are going to be ‘one big family’…. vs the reality that many closing “open” adoptions before the adoptee reaches the age of 3….”

A heroine in the group, who is the paternal grandmother of a little girl, who is now reunited with her, after an illegal adoption attempt that took place without the father’s consent (who is understandably now a Fathers Rights Advocate) comments – “Good! Don’t try again. You being mad that she wanted to parent HER child! You calling HER selfish! You presuming you know what’s “best” for the child shows you know NOTHING and are completely unqualified to be a parent natural or otherwise… just don’t have a child AT ALL..” She adds – “I think the revocation period should be extended not shortened. And fathers need to be ON BOARD 100%, and the mothers should not be allowed to lie about fathers without consequences.”

In response to her, the original poster commented – another Poster on the failed adoption group thread complained about having to “give her baby back after 6 MONTHS”. Because the father changed HIS mind at the last minute (yet, the agency still placed baby with ‘HAP’s)….and the baby’s DAD had the nerve to “Give Her Baby” to his Sister to raise….once she went back with them. The very Nerve !

Note !! parenting Your Own Baby is Not being selfish ! And support should be available to those wishing to parent ! No one that posted seems to understand that the agencies are the ones ‘keeping their money’. Not the birth parents ! (remember the reimbursement for living expenses is a ‘gift’ with no strings) and is small change compared to the agency fees.

From a domestic infant adoptee who was taken during the LINK>Baby Scoop Era (which started after the end of World War II and ended somewhat around 1972) – “While I can understand her disappointment and grief in not getting what she was expecting, she definitely needs to do a lot of work on herself. She is definitely not anywhere ready to parent anyone. I see this kind of reaction far too often. People need to understand that babies are not property to be bought and sold. I see people commenting that parents should not be able to keep their babies, if they have indicated that they are interested in placing. I worry that adoption laws will be changed making it legal for irrevocable contracts to be made pre-birth.”

To which another adoptee replied – I so wish my teenage mom would have been allowed the opportunity to parent me, her mother wouldn’t “allow it.” In turn, I was a 30 week premie, given to an unstable couple (adoptive dad did sexual abuse – they divorced 2 years after I was born) and a “loving adoptive mother” who told me how much I cost them when I was only 3.5 years old.

A mother who lost her baby to adoption (she was also a baby scoop infant adoptee) notes – I tried to change my mind when he was born. I had both the agency director and the AM on the phone with me (this was 1990) telling me that I just couldn’t do that to them. I had happened to pick their file literally on the day they put it back in active rotation, after the previous “birthmom” changed her mind after birth. I was told I would be destroying them, if I kept my baby.

She follows up with this rest of the story – both my son’s dad and I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of it. It’s been years of healing. My son is married now, with a baby of his own (best grand baby in the world). They chose to put down roots half an hour from me. His adoptive parents moved him 8 hours away, when he was 9. I only got to see him once from ages 9-17. They still live there. Now, I am the one who gets to babysit and dog sit and see them whenever I want. His daughter is growing up with no distinction between who he was raised with or not. My other kids (I had 4 more, years after him) are just aunts and uncles and I’m just grandma. It feels like the universe is righting itself, and I am so, so grateful to him.

An adoptee noted – Interesting how all their coercion tactics revolved around their feelings but not the wellbeing of the child. Which is so grossly typical of HAPs.

Another adoptee said – There should be a MINIMUM of a one year period in which mothers (or fathers) can change their mind. If we did away with adoption completely and required cases in which adoption would normally take place – to be placed as a guardianship or joint custody – this would be a non-issue because the parents could always access visitation rights and an ability to get their child back, when they are ready. Protection should never be for adoptive parents. Ever.

Another added – for that year, financial support should be provided, affordable childcare should be a guarantee, and any other obstacles should be removed – so that parents can make the informed decision regarding whether or not relinquishment is truly the solution.

An adoptee fostered from birth and then into a forced adoption at the age of 10 says – if a carer/HAP ever did less than the agreed-to (contracted in an OPEN adoption), the first parents have the legal right to reunite with their child(ren) and rescind any previous relinquishment. I mean, if we are asking for “pie in the sky” protections, that one has gotta be in there. The amount of times that a previously open adoption slams closed is astounding and calls into question the adoptive parents ability to properly parent, in truth and with the child’s best interests at the forefront.

Response to a FORMER hopeful adoptive parent – You help families avoid being separated. It’s ok to admit we were FHAP. We did the research and learned and grew and changed our minds. We thought it was a good deed, now we know better. We were wrong.

She notes – I’m here exactly for the same reason as you. I don’t even have a husband lol and was nowhere near ready to adopt but thought about it as something maybe in the future, like in 10 years and thought it should be an older child too. I think it’s helpful for HAP to see how many FHAPs are in this space.

Another person says this – isn’t this a really heinous misuse of “failed adoption” ? I thought that failed adoption referred to an adoption that is disrupted/terminated by the adoptive parents, leaving the child without guardians/parents – as in, the adoption itself failed as an outcome. Calling it a “failed adoption” because a family was able to stay intact is just so backwards and wrong, it just didn’t happen because it was no longer necessary. Like having a surgery to save somebody’s leg and calling it a “failed amputation” ?

Another mom who lost her baby to adoption – I have often thought that if only I had had someone, one person, who would have encouraged me to parent my baby, I never would have given him up back in 1973. Months later, my then sis in law said to me, “you had a chance at motherhood which you were ready for and you turned it down”. This wasn’t said in a loving way, she was listing all the things I was doing wrong in my life, and that was one. But at the time, she never said anything about how I was really ready to be a mom.

Another one agreed – same – I wanted to parent so desperately but no one around me encouraged or supported that choice.

The original poster notes that the failed adoption group – is full of Unfulfilled Hap’s showing exactly how they ‘Really’ feel about Expectant Mom’s, Mom’s who change their minds. The Mom’s friends, Families and group such as this who step forward to assist Mom’s ( and Dad’s) to parent. She hit almost all the visceral reactions / opinions of Many HAP’S and AP’s…. who will act like an expectant mom’s BFF until the revoke period ends.. And they believe ‘laws need to be put in place’. To ‘protect HAP’S’ from loosing their money and getting their hearts broken. Keep in mind that many HAP’S have ‘Go Fund Me accounts etc….’ Something the expectant mom’s are not able to do. Also the number of these HAP’S complaining that their beautiful nursery and clothes are ‘going to waste’ and will need to be sold….. (How many expectant mom’s who parented had the HAP’S leave so much as a car seat or filled diaper bag?) How many expectant mom’s who decided to parent have had Child Protective Services called on them by HAP’S and the adoption agency? Sadly – Many ….

Reasonable Fears

Today’s story comes from a mom who gave up her first baby to adoption.

I am pregnant. 13 weeks. I am elated. Thrilled. Totally ready. And the whole thing is bringing up trauma after trauma from my first and only pregnancy which ended in coerced relinquishment at birth! To note here, the adoptive mother is going to refer to this baby as his half sibling.. which I will NOT approve of. This human isn’t half of anything..its a whole ass human..just like he has only half my blood and half his bio dad’s. But he’s not half my son..just like my partner’s sister is technically his half sister but nobody EVER calls her that. Why don’t we touch on how his current sister isn’t even his sister at all, she’s literally a biological stranger as much as his adoptive parents are. His adoptive sister. So, nobody calls her that! That’s because it’s belittling the relationship to do that. It’s not right. So no way am I going let her call my baby half anything.

Anyway… I am TERRIFIED to tell my relinquished, teenage son. How can someone who was seemingly discarded, given away and unwanted (he was none of those things to me, I wanted him badly but I too was a teenager, which I now know was ok. But *adoption *agendas) be ok hearing that they are about to have a bio sibling that is wanted, loved, ready to be cared for by their actual mother and not discarded ? I’m so afraid of what he will think. How he will feel. What he will hold on to in silence and not talk about.

We have had an “open” adoption for the entire 14 years of his life. But literally, now we both sit here on the edge of a cliff in what feels like ‘reunion’. In what universe does an open adoption even result in reunion anyway ? Also in what universe does a grown ass woman that bought someone’s kid think it’s ok to stop communicating with her child’s actual mother and leave him to the wolves as a teenager, to fully manage all communication with this essential stranger basically. 1, 2 or 5 visits a year was NOT enough. And it’s certainly not enough to now have him out there all alone just managing this wild relationship by himself.

I make sure to message him every 2 weeks no matter what. Response or not. He hasn’t responded in like 3 months or more. Until recently, when I asked him to go for a walk and talk. “The talk” but I didn’t mention that part. He said yea, and asked when I was thinking. He hasn’t responded again to my suggestions. I literally don’t know what to do. Or how to navigate this at all.

Sadly, Too Common

Today’s story –

In March, my daughter’s adoptive parents messaged me, to let me know that I can no longer have visits with my daughter. It was made pretty clear that she is already being manipulated in some way and she is only four year’s old. They expressed that she did not want to see us and wanted to know why we didn’t want her. We were supposed to see her 6 times a year – at least – but it got cut down to once a year in 2020.

My daughter turns 5 in August and I have been struggling a lot. I really wish I knew then, what I know now, but since it’s impossible to go back, I am looking to find ways that I can support my daughter from afar, so that when she is older I can show her how truly loved she is and how much we wanted to be in her life. I would love input from adoptees on what you would have liked to know from your birth parents and what type of things would have helped in the healing?

(blogger’s note – when my daughter was 3 years old, I became an absentee mom. I never intended to remain out of her life for her entire childhood but that is what came to pass. What I did ? I did try to stay in touch. To avoid conflicts in her home with her dad and step-mother, I gave her a prepaid calling card, so that when it was not disruptive for her to call me, she could. It was very difficult at times, to go for long periods of time, not hearing from her. Even so, today as an adult, she understands better why things turned out the way they did and we do remain close. I feel lucky she did not cancel me out of her life entirely.)

I also tried to ask her adoptive parents if they would meet up with my fiancé (her natural father) and I without her there, just so that we could talk through some of our tension & start to rebuild our very awkward and one-sided relationship. They ignored that message. At this point I am tired of walking on eggshells. They have already cut off visits, so at this point I don’t feel I have much to lose. I would like to share the truth about the trauma adoptees face with them and the importance of keeping the relationship with the birth family accessible. I feel like it’s a disservice to my daughter, if I don’t do everything in my power to try to keep a relationship with her, but I really am at a loss for what to do.

One adoptee responded – so typical. Every adoptive parent is pro “open adoption”, until they’re not. I hope you are able to maintain some semblance of a relationship with your daughter. If you are unable to – please please please – keep a journal with your thoughts and feelings about her, any birthday cards/ gifts/Christmas cards etc. Keep them all – year after year. It’s so important to us that we are not forgotten, erased, and just discarded without a second thought. You can gift it to your daughter later on.

An adoptive parent writes – Proud of you for understanding how your daughter may feel. I find it extremely hard to believe that at the age of 4, she said she doesn’t want visits with you. I applaud you for trying to meet – just the four parents. I would encourage you to continue to request that meeting. Maybe you can word the request that you are wanting to help clarify why you placed your daughter. Again – not sure at 4 that she’s really asking “why ?” yet… Every child is different – and develops/processes adoption at different ages/stages.

My adopted children are from foster care and we are fictive kinship in that we are close friends with some of their extended first family. We truly requested to meet up with their mom, adults only, to get to know her. She never accepted. When my one child asked to see her, she was open and against our wishes of getting to know her first – we met and the visit went well.

I’d guess your daughter had behaviors after past visits and they are reading into the behaviors as her not wanting visits. When instead, she just needs them to just be present and supportive, as she walks through the confusing feelings. And then, they just may not understand that a child can love two sets of parents.

If nothing else – I encourage you to write letters to your daughter – be sure to date them. She will appreciate that when she’s older, to have the whole story.

Another adoptee suggests – I just wanted to say I’m so sorry this is happening! I would start a journal with dates for your daughter – where you write about your life, that you’re thinking about her, that you wish she was there for the holiday you’re celebrating, put photos in there, etc. Document that you tried reaching out to the adoptive parents. Then, when you do hopefully reconnect with her – make sure to focus on her, ask about her life experiences, etc. When I reconnected with my biological family, they weren’t interested at all in what my life had been like and it felt very selfish and one-sided. There were also some discrepancies in their story and I think having a journal to read through, would have put my mind at ease and felt very affirming!

Another adoptee added – Her adoptive parents sound insecure and awful. Stories like this enrage me. Those people did not deserve your child. For me, there’s not much my first parents could’ve said to undo the pain. They could’ve said how much they loved and wanted me…. But walking away spoke louder than any words they could say. All forms of adoption are hard – open, semi open, closed. Like it all sucks. All you can do is stay close, keep communication open and wait until your daughter is older and more independent. I hope her adoptive parents get their heads screwed on right and start putting the child first. Not their insecure wounds. Ugh….

A mother who surrendered her child to adoption but has been in reunion for 20 years writes – I suggest you copy the section in your paperwork that spells out what THEY agreed to at the time of relinquishment. Ask for a meeting to have a dialog about the promises. Ask for what you were promised. It’s clear they are likely getting hard questions from “their” daughter and are scared. That is on them. I’d request that your agreement with them be honored, that you will work with them to find a solution that works for all of you. Be firm. A four year old is no where near mature enough to have to deal with such a complex issue. It is on them to keep the agreement in place for the benefit of your daughter going forward. Keep copies of all correspondence with them, record phone conversations, record meet ups, and reassure them that your intentions are about the truth of the entire adoption experience. Period. Will they balk? Maybe – but you do not. Continue to request what you were promised – and document every exchange.

PS these adoptive parents are full of shit!!!

Another reunited adoptee who was in a closed adoption has good advice – At this point, you need to do everything possible to have whatever contact with your daughter you’re allowed. This is not the time to express anything negative about adoption to the adoptive parents, including adoptee trauma. If your daughter experiences mental health challenges in the future you can reevaluate this. Otherwise, the only adoptee you should be worrying about is your daughter.

Start keeping a journal for your daughter. This should not be confused with a personal journal for yourself. Use it to write letters to your daughter that you can give to her later. Focus on all the things you want to tell her and your love for her. Don’t use it to vent about your frustrations with adoption, her adoptive parents, or to process your grief. Use a personal journal for that. You have no idea where your daughter will be emotionally when she gets a chance to read it. Prepare for the possibility that by that point she may have experienced a lifetime of parental alienation and may be heavily “in the fog”. Consider telling her about events going on with you and your extended family, even if they aren’t solely about her. If next year your uncle Bob dies of cancer at the same age as his father, include things like that. Give her the oral family history most people have but adoptees, even reunited ones, usually don’t.

Another adoptee added – It’s not the job of the adopted child to deal with whatever feelings their natural parents have about the adoption itself. I know for myself personally I couldn’t really care less how sad my natural mother is about a choice she actively made – I am the one who had no choice or say in any of it and have now spent 35 years paying the price of everyone’s choices but my own.

A journal of factual information, especially those family histories, would’ve been welcomed. Especially since my natural father died some years ago and I don’t even know his name. I’ve had to try to piece together some of the family medical history which has been so stressful – especially after finding out I’m a carrier for cystic fibrosis.

We deserve the truth, not just about our parents but as much as we can get about our family.

A birth father who was also a former foster care youth noted – I got a postcard from the adoptive parents telling me they were severing all communication with me, a month after they left the state. I did nothing to warrant it. The adoption agency told me if I wrote her a letter. they would put it in her file. They wouldn’t give me or her mom their address.

One woman added – I would bet that they are also really uncomfortable with the idea that both of your child’s natural parents are still together and are getting married. That you would have a whole family that is biologically related to your daughter one day and the adoptive parents are just trying to cut ties before your child realizes that. There has been movement from some judges on the idea that natural mothers or fathers that were too young to have made the decisions they did and were being coerced can get a judge to step in and demand visitation. It’s worth a shot. I would pretend to play nice to adoptive parents and work behind the scenes, to see if you can’t get the contract honored in a more official way.

Another adoptive parent notes – Of all the truly messed up parts of adoption, this one for me is just the hardest to stomach. It’s what makes adoption feel like trafficking to me. The fact that we don’t have laws that protect these contracts and force adoptive parents to go to court to modify them, like we do in post-divorce parenting agreements, is criminal to me. And it’s a reminder that my own bubble of reality ain’t it – there are so many absolutely ignorant adoptive parents. My only suggestion is to offer group therapy with an adoption competent therapist who can be the educator. I just do not think you’ll ever be heard by them. They need a third party they respect, one who is some sort of authority in their eyes, to explain what is happening, how normal it is, how to navigate this relationship and the damage of severing ties.

An adoptee notes – This is why open adoptions are a coercive practice and the agencies know this and tell this to hopeful adoptive parents. Most open adoptions close within 1 to 3 years and it’s almost always on the end of the adoptive parents. They can’t handle sharing a child they bought and paid for to satisfy their selfish needs