Read today that at least one state is reconsidering how to refer to participants in the foster care system. One idea under consideration was to change “foster parent” to “resource parent/carer”.

Overall, the consensus was to no longer use “parent”, “mother” or “father” in foster care situations. This story by one adoptee was illustrative – I spent just two nights in foster care. I was very small but I remember the social worker calling the woman my foster mother. It just added to the terror of the situation. She was not and would never be my mother, or even act in a motherly role. For me, she was an emergency caretaker. A resource person/carer seems appropriate to me. Even foster caregiver is better.

A former foster caregiver notes – It’s none of my business, to decide whether their mom is “better” or “safe”. I’m taking care of the kid, until they go back to family. I don’t really consider that being a “parent”.

One woman, formerly in foster care as a youth, notes – This feels ick to me. It’s dehumanizing and impersonal. I’m really getting tired of people inventing more and more terms that claim to be inclusive and/or whatever and just end up being dehumanizing. What the hell is a resource giver? It doesn’t sound like a person and sure as hell doesn’t sound remotely healthy. We are people, all of us. We all need to be treated as human beings. And using dehumanizing terms is not only not ok but is abusive. ALL abuse starts with this type of language. Not ok. She was asked – “how you feel about temporary guardian?” but has not answered.

Another adoptee wrote – I think the best term would be something without the word parent altogether. I’m not sure what would be wrong with referring to someone as a carer or a resource person. Adding parent, mom and/or dad seems to feed the many hungry adoptive parents in the idea that it is somehow their child. Someone posted about seeing someone talking about the loss of their baby but then, realized they didn’t lose their baby, they lost a foster child who was reunified with family as it should be. I don’t feel like anyone needs more reasons to see themselves as a parent, when they’re not, nor do I think this view should be taken as a slam against anyone. It’s factual, they are a carer, they are a resource person, they are NOT the child’s parent.

One offered this age appropriate explanation from lived experience – When the girls came to live with me, we tried really hard to find age appropriate ways to explain what was going on when they asked questions; cognitively they were at pre-k level but were in grade school; they were familiar with having guest teachers, while their teachers were out sick – so we explained that like when teachers are sick and they get a guest teacher, their teacher always comes back. We were guest parents until mommy and daddy are better and safe to go back home to. That like parents, we will take care of them and do everything parents are supposed to do with them, until mommy and daddy are able to do those things again, but that it wasn’t permanent and that we weren’t their actual parents now. That made sense to them and made it easier for them to understand what our role was in their lives.

Another who spent time in foster care writes – The foster carers (FCs), not my parents then but the people I lived with and who were responsible for my day-to-day “care”, were my legal guardians. I called them by their given names & called my mother Mommy. 

Another foster caregiver writes –  I always liked the differentiation of being a “community resource” foster home vs kinship foster. It highlights the perspective that I was meant to be a (temporary) resource for the community, which obviously includes my foster children’s parents! Foster carer or foster caregiver makes sense to me as a gender neutral, nonparental title for this role.