Society’s Unseen Realities

For some time now, I’ve been slowly reading through The Tao of Physics by Fritjof Capra. I’ve always been fascinated by the science of physics, even though I may not totally understand a lot of it. I’ve almost finished Capra’s book and the big thing I took away from it is how interconnected EVERYTHING is.

So it was that I was attracted to a Medium piece – LINK>Exploring Quantum Connections in Adoption by Shane Bouel. You may or may not be able to read it. I will excerpt some parts in case.

Shane notes – “The state of one entangled particle instantly influences the other, similar to how the separation of a mother and child through adoption can have far-reaching emotional consequences.” The separation of a mother from her child leads to complex emotions and psychological challenges for both of them. Adoptees may experience conflicting emotions as they navigate their relationships with both their birth mother and adoptive family. Birth mothers, too, may grapple with complex emotions related to the decision or lack of, to place their child for adoption. He says that “Ultimately, the goal is to create a more empathetic and compassionate environment for adoptees and their birth families.” His goal is my goal in publishing this blog as well.

An intricate web of relationships connect individuals to their environment. Quantum mechanics finds that particles are interconnected and influence each other’s states – regardless of distance. The concept of attachment has a parallel in the idea of entanglement. Particles are intrinsically linked. Adoptees navigate the uncharted territory of identity and belonging. The separation experienced by adopted individuals parallels the entangled state of particles. The emotional journey of adoptees . . . is intertwined with societal perceptions, recognition, and acknowledgment.

Dr Sue Morter delivered the message at Agape last Sunday and photons were very much a part of how she described energy acting. Shane writes – “Quantum mechanics, traditionally applied to the microscopic realm, is gradually revealing its influence on macroscopic effects, including DNA interactions and biophoton communication within the body. This bridge between the quantum and the macroscopic echoes the connection between the unseen emotional trauma of adoption and its far-reaching implications on adoptees’ lives.” And in fact, in Capra’s book, he describes the understandings being applied on a large scale to the whole cosmos.

Shane emphasizes – “The historical instances of forced adoption and exploitation highlight the need for societal acknowledgment and reconciliation.” In conclusion, he says “. . . the emotional threads of adoption connect lives in ways we may not fully perceive.”

Shane’s writing seeks to lift standards of ethics and morality related to adoption by sharing the truth he perceives and has experienced.

Doing What Is Right

Former prison guard Roberta Bell (left) with Katie Bourgeois and her son, Kayson, two days after Bourgeois was released from prison.

Today’s Story – Link>Prison guard in US fired for taking in inmate’s baby: ‘It was the right thing to do.’

Katie Bourgeois had been incarcerated for a few months in a US prison earlier this year when she learned she was pregnant. “I felt panicked – I didn’t have anyone who would help, and I didn’t want my baby to get sent away with Child Protective Services,” said Bourgeois, 30, who was serving time for drug charges. “I wasn’t sure what to do or where to turn.”

Bourgeois knew she would give birth to her baby while she was locked up at the Louisiana Transition Centre for Women – a privately-run educational and training corrections facility for inmates within one year of being released. Bourgeois’s due date was in mid-May, about seven weeks before her release date in July. Bourgeois told some of the other women at the facility about her predicament, and several of them mentioned there was a corrections officer who was kind and might be willing to help her. The officer, Roberta Bell, was known to love babies. “Everyone said she was sweet and always kept her word,” Bourgeois said.

One morning, while inmates were lined up to receive their daily medications, a friend of Bourgeois’s approached Bell and explained the situation. Bell, who did not know Bourgeois, said she walked right over to Bourgeois and offered to help. “I knew it was the right thing to do,” Bell said. “When I asked Katie if she’d like me to come and get her baby when it was time, you could see the relief on her face,” she added. “She said, ‘Miss Bell, I’d love for you to take my baby, because I don’t have anyone else to do it.’” Bell said that sealed her commitment. She told Bourgeois she’d take in the newborn for about two months while Bourgeois finished her prison time.

“I knew that God wanted me to follow my heart, and I knew I couldn’t allow a baby to go to protective services when Katie really wanted that child,” she said. Bell also knew it violated the rules of her employment, because corrections officers are not allowed to give their personal contact information to inmates. She said she thought she might get permission under the circumstances. Bell told her supervisor about her plan to look after Bourgeois’s baby until her release in July. Bell said she could leave the baby during the day at a nearby daycare run by a friend. “[My supervisor] said it sounded like a conflict of interest because I worked there, but that he’d talk to some people in charge,” Bell said. “I didn’t hear back about it.” Officials at the Louisiana Transition Centre for Women and the corporation that operates the prison, Security Management, did not respond to several calls and emails from The Washington Post requesting comment about Bell’s employment. Bell, meanwhile, watched Bourgeois’s belly grow, and she waited.

On May 16, when Bourgeois went into labour and was sent to a hospital for the delivery, Bell said she was called into a meeting with administrators at the facility. “The captain said: ‘We’ve learned that your contact information was given to an inmate,” and he told me it was against the rules,” Bell recalled. “He asked if I was still going to go through with [caring for the baby], and I told him that if the hospital called me, I was going to go and get that child.” She said she wanted to help Bourgeois and decided to face whatever consequence came her way. Bell said she was hoping the consequence would not be steep. She had worked in juvenile and women’s corrections as a guard for about eight years and always enjoyed her job, which was only a 20-minute commute each day across the Mississippi border. “I was aware it would be seen as a conflict of interest, but I am a woman of my word,” said Bell, who had worked at the facility for almost four years. “I wanted to do the best thing for Katie and her child.”

She said she was terminated on the spot. The following day, May 17, Bourgeois gave birth to a seven-pound boy and named him Kayson. Bourgeois was sent back to prison to complete the remaining two months of her sentence, which she was serving for using drugs while on parole, she said. She gave the hospital permission for Bell to get her son. “I knew that Miss Bell really cared, and that Kayson would be in good hands,” she said, adding that she wasn’t allowed to see or talk to Bell. Once Bell got a call and was told that she could pick up the baby, she raced over to the hospital, filled out paperwork and showed the hospital her identification. Once everything was verified, she scooped up Kayson, buckled him into the new car seat she had bought and took him home. She also had loaded up on nappies, wipes and baby outfits. Some of the other corrections workers at the facility brought her a bassinet for him to sleep in.

About 700 women were incarcerated at the transitional prison, said Bell, adding that she learned to feel compassion for them while she worked there. “So many of them have been used and abused and have had hard lives on the streets,” she said. “I found that if I showed them a little love, it went a long way. I sensed that Katie was a good person who had just made some bad choices in her life.” About 58,000 pregnant women are incarcerated every year in the US, according to a 2017 study by the Pregnancy in Prison Statistics Project. Bell said that by helping Bourgeois, she hoped to give her some solid reasons to rebuild her life and find new purpose.

“I do know one thing – she has a beautiful little boy,” said Bell. “He’s a good little boy who doesn’t cry much,” said Bell, noting that she spent weeks feeding Kayson every two to four hours. When Bourgeois was released from prison on July 4, “it was further confirmation that I’d done the best thing for them both”, said Bell, 58.

She was waiting for Bourgeois in the prison parking lot that day to pick her up. She said she couldn’t wait to show her how much Kayson had grown. Mother and son are staying with Bell at her home until Bourgeois can find employment and save enough to live on her own, she said, adding that Bourgeois was considering becoming a hairstylist. “She and Kayson are welcome to stay here for as long as they need to,” said Bell, who also looks after her grandchildren every summer. “I’m excited for Katie and what the future holds for her.” Bell said she recently obtained a job helping one of her neighbors care for an elderly parent for eight hours a day while she considers future employment options. “Losing my job has been hard – my kids have been helping me out,” she said.

She said she is reminded that she did the right thing every time she holds Kayson. “To see his little face and his smile – it was just a joy,” she said. “And now, to watch Katie with him and see all of that love and the promise of a new beginning has made it all worthwhile.”

Bell said her dream was to start a group home for women recently released from prison who had no place to go. Bourgeois said she would help. “How can I thank this woman? She’s a stranger who showed so much love,” Bourgeois said. “If not for this angel, I don’t know what I would have done. I feel like I’ve found a friend forever in Miss Bell.”

We Began In Darkness

Regardless of whether we were raised by the people who conceived and birthed us or were surrendered to strangers who then raised us as their adopted children, we all begin the same way – in the womb of the woman who gestates us. Today, I was reading a piece in my LINK>Science of Mind magazine that felt like a good way to start today’s blog. It was written by Sunshine Michelle Coleman and is titled Light Within the Shadows.

She writes – we were born from within the dark. The quiet womb nurtured and sustained us, as it allowed us to develop and grow. It was a place of stillness and comfort. It was home and a place of assuredness and safety. It was warm and cozy, with life-sustaining liquid nutrients, the beautiful sound of a parental heartbeat and a constant hug that let us know we were loved.

Can you imagine being shocked into birth, forced to leave that home of dark beautiful comfort and thrust into another form of life in the external world with lights, sounds, cameras and so much action ? Even though we eventually adjusted to all of this newness of life on the outside, we probably longed to be back in our dark safe space just a little longer. That is likely why it is so vital for babies to be touched and held, so they survive and thrive with a smooth transition to life outside the womb.

Adoptees however, especially domestic infant adoptees, are handed over to strangers to raise. Letters from my mom’s adoptive mother to the adoption agency indicate a frazzled woman dealing with an unhappy infant on a long train ride from Memphis Tennessee to Nogales Arizona. There are hints that a pediatrician drugged my mom to calm her down. The last picture of her original mother holding her shows a happy baby. She was not a newborn when this happened and she had been temporarily placed in an orphanage while my grandmother did her best to find a way to support them both with my mom’s father not present for reasons I can never truly know. Even so, the transition upset her.

In the article I was reading, she writes of “buried treasures” that can be discovered in our shadows. These are the deepest parts of ourselves, those emotions that can yield pain, grief and sorrow. Many of us learned as children to hide or push away those parts of ourselves in fear of the hurt and agony they might cause.

The author suggests leaning into the shadow parts of ourselves so that we can work through them, until we are able to reveal a healing. Looking honestly at our emotions and into those dark places. It may be necessary to shift our perspectives and unlearn lifelong lessons from what we previously judged as being bad. As children, we probably feared what we did not understand and certainly all that we really had no control over. It may be necessary to examine our unconscious biases and judgements about how our life unfolded. Regardless of all that may have happened to us growing, we are the only ones who can create a positive change in our own lives. Peace to each who struggles and compassion for all that has come before.

Being Trauma Informed

It doesn’t take long when one joins an adoption community to learn about trauma. Every adoptee has experienced trauma associated with having been adopted, whether they recognize that consciously or not. Being a part of such a community gives us a sense of support, nurturing, belonging and a sense of connection. This heals our sense of loneliness and isolation as well as impacting our culture and society.

Today I read an article in one of my sources of spiritual support, the LINK>Science of Mind Magazine. An assistant minister at a Centers for Spiritual Living location in Santa Clara California, the LINK>Rev Russ Legear wrote about Being Trauma Informed Is Being Inclusive. Recognizing that adoption will always have some degree of trauma attached becomes a place of inclusion for those who are part of such a community.

Having been separated from the mom who conceived and birthed us puts the adoptee into a survival response. So what is trauma ? It is the psychological aftermath of a negative experience which has either caused us an actual or even simply a perceived harm, injury or kind of violence. It may include an actual physical violation of our bodies or emotions (and simply being taken away from the woman in who’s womb we developed is that). Every adoptee experiences a loss of their power to choose as they are not old enough nor do they have the agency to make the choice that results in their becoming adopted.

Being traumatized stunts the emotions. The adoptee must create some way to cope, to protect themselves and to survive within a situation that is never natural. This affects the individuals ability to experience love, joy and it is difficult for them to entirely feel safe. Even an insensitive remark can make an adoptee feel powerless.

One of my own motivations in writing blogs each day is to build awareness in those who read these personal efforts that adoptees and their original mothers, often including their genetic fathers, carry this burden of of trauma to some degree. It is true that some may feel the sting of trauma more acutely than others but the effort is to help other people see that trauma was a valid experience for all adoptees (whether they would say that about themselves or not). That experience of trauma deserves to receive our respect. We can be aware that it has happened and have the courage to be open-hearted when it expresses itself in some behavior. By knowing that someone’s reaction has come out of the trauma allows us to be more heartfully open, compassionate, able to feel connected to what has been a truth whether it was our own personal truth or not. This attitude will help to restore power for the adoptee as we allow them the freedom to express their emotions related to adoption. We are more authentic and the adoptee is better able to find pathways to thrive, having been unburdened of the necessity of proving they have been traumatized by the process of being adopted.

Sharing the understanding that trauma has occurred creates s kind of unity, allowing us to transcend whatever seems to divide us. We have made space for the affected to experience some degree of healing and within ourselves to heal from misguided beliefs about the benign nature and “goodness” of adoption.

Difficult Challenges

Ok, sometime platitudes simply don’t cut it. Some people have such enormous challenges that life is going to be ongoingly difficult.

Here’s one example –

4 mos pregnant with her 4th child in Texas. Birth control failure. Homeless. Two of the other three kids are autistic. Husband is a disabled vet and is autistic as well. The VA trying to get them into a housing program. No familial support. Employment challenges, childcare issues. She has depression, anxiety, and OCD. “I feel stupid and lost and hopeless. I feel like the only solution is giving this baby up for adoption and that makes me feel ashamed.”

So, here is the impossible choice – abort or parent. She already understands adoption is trauma. Her question – is staying with parents so ill equipped to handle another child just trauma too? The thought of raising another child fills her with dread. She doesn’t know how she can handle it. She has no clue how they’ll do it, where they will be living, where she’ll give birth, etc. So many unknowns make her constantly feel on edge and like panicking.

Then came lots of suggestions and even some offers to help in some way or other but maybe the most important was this affirmation and encouragement –

Ok first off, take some deep breaths.

Let’s address some issues with how you are feeling first, then we can go into options and resources.

This is the most important part.

You are not dumb.

You are not useless.

You are not a hopeless case.

You are not a failure.

You are not a bad parent.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

You are not any of those things that negative, evil voice in the back of your head is telling you.

You are not any of those things others in society may tell you.

I know that voice and those people all too well myself. They are all liars.

Now let’s talk about what you ARE and why.

You are strong.

It takes strength to make the hard decisions. To put the needs of your kids above your own and that’s what you have been doing. You could have bailed on your kids anytime. But you haven’t. You are pushing through.

You are worthy.

You are so worthy of love, compassion and empathy for zero reason other than you being you.

You are smart.

You are taking time to really evaluate a situation and try to make the best decision. You are reaching out for help, and that’s wisdom.

You are not a failure or hopeless.

You are not either of those things because you aren’t giving up. You are trying. As long as you are trying, you are never a failure.

Now to your issue.

Take your husband out of the equation. Do you want to have this baby? If you do, I assure you resources can be found to help you parent.

If you want an abortion, I assure you, safe access can be found for you.

But the alternative to abortion isn’t adoption. The alternative to abortion is parenting.

I think you should stop and think through if you want to continue this pregnancy or not. Its your decision, period.

Either way, there are people who will support you and I’ve seen miracles in this regard – either to help someone parent, or to get whatever help or access is needed.

Life simply wants us to never give up – take the next logical step and know the temporary nature of many challenges we each inevitably face.

Messy Complicated and Beautiful

The joy and heartache of friendships. We love our friends and they can break our hearts – just being the messy, complicated and beautiful human beings we all are. That said, some lives are much more challenging than ours. And when our dear friend has such a life, out of love, we do our best with the reality. This is one such story.

I’ve adopted two little girls from a childhood friend. They are ages 5 and 3. The five year old, I brought home when she was born, her mom was very ill at that time. The 3 year old came to me through the foster care system, when she was 9 months old at her mom’s request. My friend had stage 4 cirrhosis during both of the pregnancies, as well as substance abuse and varying illnesses and had been homeless most of her life, was suicidal and with a history of violent behavior. She was in and out of jail. She passed unexpectedly in December two years ago.

I knew the girls had 3 older sisters who were adopted out by the state years ago. I had promised their mom I would look for them but today, they found me. They are 16, 18 and 19. They were looking for their mom. They asked me point blank if their mom was still alive. I answered that and a few questions. I did let them know that she loved them and missed them and thought of them every day and wondered how they were doing. She had hoped to connect with them again. I let them know they had little sisters We exchanged photos.

I just don’t know how to navigate this. I don’t want to give them a negative image of their mom. I’m thinking of just letting them know that she had had a lot of trauma that led to her addictions and illnesses, kind of a negative spiral she got caught up in but that she was a beautiful, amazing person with a big heart and a brilliant mind who was funny and creative and one of a kind….

Some responses to this sad story about life’s more difficult realities.

You tell those sisters that she was a human being that battled a war. With her self, her world, and still loved her children. Even while she fought. There’s something terribly strong and loving about that.

Let them know the truth as much as age appropriate for them to grasp. The real truth is people are messy & complicated & beautiful all at the same time, and that’s something they can grasp at any age, regardless of depth of details.

Please tell the older girls everything – the good, the bad, the ugly. They can handle it and it’ll be valuable information as they navigate their own trauma and mental health issues (and questions about their lives).

The woman replied – I’ve talked to two of the older girls and answered their questions. I sent them videos of their mom telling her life story, about her paintings and stuff.

Love The Kid You’re With

I’ll admit that I’m not doing the Read God’s Word one (I’m just not conventionally religious) but otherwise nice advice. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I’ve been ready with cards and candy for a few days now as my Tuesday will likely be complicated. I’m a loving person in general.

What is sad are the mothers and their children who have been torn apart for whatever reason and so can’t experience the joys I have almost every day (okay, there are days . . . but they are few).

Be grateful if you get to be with your children (and I’ve also been there – apart from my firstborn, my beautiful sunshine daughter – I was just too young and financially unstable to parent her – maybe that is why I feel a pang of compassion at this thought. Fortunately, we can still communicate in loving ways with one another. It is a blessing I’ll never feel I’ve earned but the love I have for her has always been and always will be).

So borrowing today’s blog title from Crosby Stills Nash and Young – love the one you’re with – and given the focus of this blog, you can read into that whatever you wish – just do it !!

Everybody Hurts

An adoption community friend mentioned that this was a song that always made her cry. I had not heard it before. I’m pretty certain a song by REM was part of my wedding back in 1988 (not this song, of course). I suspect many of the people who read this blog do feel sad, cry, have deep soul hurt, at least sometimes. So I’m making this my Saturday morning blog, just because.

We just spent 3 days without full power (though we do have a gas powered generator, it is NOT enough to power our furnace – we used a space heater and sleeping bags at night). The noise and sustained cold (though the lowest household temperature was 63, the cold seeped into everything in the house) shattered my nerves and happily took 3 lbs off me due to shivering. There was a moment on Thursday when everything was just so wrong but I had to go on. I know we were fortunate to have that much normalcy, yet – it was anything but normal. Our power was restored at 11:35am on Friday. I have even more compassion and empathy for the people of Ukraine today who do not even have what we had and have terror piled on top of the suffering, never knowing when the next missile will strike where they are.

~ lyrics

When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
Of this life, well hang on

Don’t let yourself go
‘Cause everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it’s time to sing along

When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (hold on)
If you think you’ve had too much
Of this life, well hang on

‘Cause everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts

Don’t throw your hand, oh no
Don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you’ve had too much
Of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts, sometimes

And everybody hurts sometimes
So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on

Everybody hurts

Siblings Bill of Rights Act

Change may come slowly but it does come. In New Jersey there is now a Siblings Bill of Rights Act. This includes –

Have access to phone calls and virtual visits between face-to-face visits with their sibling;
Be placed in the closest proximity possible to other siblings who are not in out-of-home placement or if placement together is not possible, when it is in the best interests of the child;
Have the recommendations and wishes of the child and of each sibling who participates in the permanency planning decision documented in the DCF case record and provided to the court;
Know, or be made aware by DCF, of expectations for continued contact with the child’s siblings after an adoption or transfer of custody, subject to the approval of the adoptive parents or caregiver;
Be promptly informed about changes in sibling placements or permanency planning goals;
Be actively involved in the lives of the child’s siblings, e.g., birthdays, holidays, and other milestones;
Not be denied sibling visits as a result of behavioral consequences when residing in a resource family home or congregate care setting; and
Be provided updated contact information for all siblings at least annually, including a current telephone number, address, and email address, unless not in the best interests of one or more siblings.

Recently signed by Governor Phil Murphy, the law recognizes that children placed outside their home have several rights related to maintaining sibling relationships, including the right to remain actively involved in the lives of their siblings and to have their voice heard in the permanency planning process for their siblings. “In what could very well be the most difficult time of their young lives, it is our hope that this bill will allow siblings in the child welfare system to maintain some measure of stability and continuity,” Murphy said.

“One of this Administration’s goals has been to make sure the children and families in this state’s welfare systems are treated with compassion and empathy,” said Murphy. “I was deeply moved, as I’m sure my counterparts in the Legislature were, by the compelling recommendations of the Youth Council who shared their lived experiences of their time during the child welfare process.” The Council consisted of 24 members ages 14-23 who are or were previously involved with one of DCF’s programs such as Child Protection & Permanency or the Children’s System of Care. Youth Council members stressed that sibling relationships were crucial for maintaining stability and ensuring future success.

DCF Commissioner Christine Norbut Beyer said the new law “represents the power of shared leadership and the importance of having individuals with lived experiences in a meaningful role at the table.”

“Ensuring children can maintain relationships with their siblings, arguably the people who best understand what they are going through, we can provide them with more stability and the possibility of invaluable, life-long family connections.” Assemblywomen Gabriela Mosquera (D-Gloucester), Carol Murphy (D-Burlington), and Lisa Swain (D-Begen) said in a joint statement.

“New Jersey has taken a stance on sibling rights — that they matter, they exist, and this is now the law,” Jack Auzinger, a member of the DCF Youth Council, said.

~ story courtesy of Steve Lenox of Tap Into Patterson News – LINK

A Tough Way To Go

From direct experience (not my own) –

He was in the foster care system from age 3-18, with a failed adoption from the ages of 4-8. This is how broken the foster care system is and how adoption is not always rainbows and butterflies. Excerpts from his story – For a portion of my life my identity was ripped from me, changed, and those who were looking for me could not find me. I was in plain sight living under a different name. After 20 years of silence, I am finally ready to tell my story.

Trigger Warning – What you’re about to read is graphic, disturbing and may be triggering.

I was adopted – Twice. In my personal opinion, I lived a better life with my second adoptive parents than I would have ever lived without them. Yes, I am thankful for the opportunities I do have because of my adoptive parents. Yes, I have chosen to see the good in my life and be grateful for everything I do have. But this is the mature, 27 year old man speaking, not the boy who endured so much trauma that causes the 27 year old man to still go to therapy on a weekly basis. Today, I am what most would consider a successful man.

I was adopted the first time at the age of 4 to what the world thought was a loving home. From the ages of 4-8, behind closed doors I was brutally beaten daily. Some nights I would be locked outside at night in the cold rainy Washington state weather nights in nothing except my underwear. I would be stabbed by forks at the dinner table to the point I was bleeding because I would gag on and throw up my food, then be forced to eat my throw up. I would be told to stick out my tongue, just for her fist to slam up under my jaw, forcing my teeth to slam together and viciously bite my tongue. I would be tucked in at night not with a warm hug or a loving kiss, but rather a hand over my face suffocating me until I stopped moving. Her eyes turned into a cold, chilling midnight black, and she would grit her teeth together and say “I will not stop until your body is done moving. Once you stop moving, I will stop.” I would be grabbed by my neck and choked and slammed to the wall with my feet dangling, my entire 30lb body off the ground and glued to the wall from my neck. She has this super strength, black eyes, and could hold me off the ground by my neck, not letting go until she was satisfied knowing she held the life of the little boy between her palms, against the wall.

I would cry when it was time to line up for the bus at the end of the day in kindergarten while all the other kids would be jumping with joy to be picked up by their parents. I would cry because of the home I knew I was going to. Kids would ask me why I was crying. It’s the end of school and I should be excited. But I wasn’t excited, I was jealous because I knew the first graders got to stay the whole day, but I only stayed half the day, and I was going back to a place worse than hell. I would be asked by not only teachers, but doctors as to why I had bruises all over my body, just to tell them they were from my siblings to avoid my abusive adopted mom from ever finding out I told anyone because I knew if I told anyone I would be brutally beaten. I can go on and on, but I’ll end it here for now because as I type this I am getting dizzy, sick and shaking.

I also had to hear the muffled cries of my brother as he would be choked, beaten and abused while fear and adrenaline would shoot through my veins as I listened to the muffled cries of my twin as I watched his body stop squirming, and almost peacefully slowly stop moving knowing I was next. I quickly learned that once the hand covered my mouth and nose, the quicker I would lay limp, the quicker she would be satisfied and leave the room. I would run away at the sound of punches, slaps, screams and terrifying, gasping cries of my sister knowing my 30lb self had no ability to protect her.

My biological mother gave me up to this family because she trusted them. At first she didn’t give me up. At the age of 3 we were taken from her because she was an alcoholic. We were placed in this home but still visited our mother often. My mother would end up signing away her rights so the family could adopt us. My mother died never knowing the truth about what she signed her rights away for and where she sent her three young children. My mother thought I was going to a home that could provide more love than she could, even though she was an Angel and nothing but comfort to me. I didn’t know what money was, nor did I care she didn’t have any. I didn’t know what drugs or alcohol was, nor did I care that she used/drank them. All I knew was what the warm motherly feeling of love, compassion and dedication was, and that is what I felt in my mothers arms, and only in my mothers arms.

I have struggled with abandonment issues and identity issues my entire life. As a young man I cheated on the mother of my daughter because if I got a glimpse of love or attention from a woman, I did not know how to turn it down. I yearned for love and affection. I dealt with losing my sister. No, she didn’t die, I was ripped away from her after the first adoption failed because the next home simply didn’t want 3 children. I would live in the same town as my sister, the only piece of my mother I had left, just to be denied the ability to see her for years at a time. I have matured immensely and have learned from my mistakes, but the trauma is still rooted deep within. I have used my childhood as motivation to stay strong and push foward to obtain a simple, successful, happy life. That’s all I’ve wanted and that’s all I work towards every day, and to make sure my children have the most loving, stable home I can possibly provide for them.

Even when the hardest part of my childhood was over and I was adopted for a second time, this time to the most amazing, most loving family I could dream of who did everything to love and protect me, I had identity issues. Not with sexual orientation, but with who I was genetically. Where I came from ancestrally. I knew nothing about ME but I lived inside me every day. I never understood why I wasn’t enough for my biological mother and father to change so they could take me back. Why was I never good enough? That’s what I asked myself every day. I asked myself this every time I was told to pack my bags and given a trash bag. I would be moving to yet another foster home. I was told I had no biological family, but I did. Dozens of biological family members existed in the very state and county I lived in, and they were looking for me. I love my second adoptive parents very much, and I am the man I am today because of them. My parents mean absolutely everything to me.

A song I associated myself with, and feel with every fiber in my body is “Concrete Angel” by Martina McBride. As a young boy, I would listen to it and it would resonate with me as if the song was specifically written about me, and just for me. There’s no reason why an 8 year old boy should hear that song and feel such a strong connection to it and understand it so perfectly, but I did. No one knew what was happening, and if I told people who knew the family, they wouldn’t believe me. Even one of my adoptive sisters who lived in the home during the abuse denies it and claims it never happened, despite it being my whole world every day living in abuse, because only my brother, sister and I were abused. But it was hidden so well, that some of my abuser’s own biological children weren’t aware – although I know one was, and unfortunately, she inherited the abuse after the adoption failed.