Tag: Complex Feelings

Support Without Preference

An adoptive parent who wants to be child centered in an awkward situation writes –

So our daughter is 12. I have had conversations with her about if/when she wants to talk to mom, that I’m completely open to that and I will support her in that choice, whatever that choice is. She doesn’t remember much about mom and was raised by her oldest sister.

Should I leave it at that? That it’s open when she’s ready? Allow her complete control? Should I reach out to her mom and contact her to let her know how our daughter is doing, updates, etc? Should I ask our daughter what she would like to me to do?

I found her mom on Facebook, but I haven’t friend requested her yet, as I really want to be sensitive to our daughter’s wants in contact or no contact with her. Our daughter helped search for her mom, and it took us forever because she wasn’t under her actual name, she used her youngest daughter’s name.

She has seen her mom twice since she was adopted, and both times she didn’t acknowledge mom, and I didn’t push. The one time I asked if she wanted to say hi, she said no, and I said okay, it’s your choice. We live in the same small town as mom, so visits could happen consistently if our daughter is open and willing to it, but it also means we could run into mom on any given day.

Should I reach out to mom? I have ways of getting her number, but I also want to honor the process of contact that my daughter may or may not want to have with her. Should I ask her? Should I wait, since she is 12 and is still going through so much already, adding this may overwhelm her? I just want to do my best by our girl, and would appreciate any insight other adoptee’s have on this situation. Thanks.

Some responses –

An adoptee notes – I tend to be of the opinion that less is more. You don’t want to accidentally make her feel pressured or like there’s an option you’d prefer. When I was young, my adoptive mother made a comment she didn’t think through, that made me avoid seeking my biological family for decades because I didn’t want to hurt her. I brought it up with her a couple of years ago, and she was horrified she’d left that impression, apologized, and encouraged me to do what I wanted. Leaving it supportive but open-ended gives her the space to make her own choices without guilt either way.

Another adoptee said – I’d give you daughter time to process and go at her pace. Don’t reach out to anyone. Don’t push. Just support her decisions, even if that decision is to remain detached.

An adoptive parent shares –  I wouldn’t push it with mom. I have twins and one has wanted everything birth family since he was 8. He want’s everything – birth father and siblings. The other enjoys time with them but it’s not a priority, they are 17 now. My daughter has had a relationship with grandparents since day one. They adopted one of her younger sisters. We see them often. When it was safe, she was able to meet birth mom. I would encourage a sibling relationship, if mom has custody of younger siblings, and has to bring siblings. It will fall into place. One adoptee counters – “What do you mean when it was safe? Do you mean when you decided it was okay with you?” And it didn’t go well from there as the original commenter asked for ADOPTEE perspectives.

Another adoptee did have a good suggestion that comes up over and over again – Is your daughter in therapy? If not, this sounds like a great time to get her a therapist that she can have a relationship with that makes her safe to open up about the complex feelings that come along with these issues. No matter how wonderful and supportive you are, she may still hold back because she doesn’t want to upset you. Not saying that’s the case here, just saying that it’s something that might result in you being the only trusted person she has conversations about this topic with.

Another adoptee added – I second this recommendation. Seeing as she’s only 12 years old (and still figuring out emotional regulation, processing emotions, etc.) a therapist could be helpful in guiding her through her thoughts and feelings about contact. It may take time to find the right therapist and form of therapy that works for her-and that’s completely normal. You clearly respect and value her choices, so keep instilling her with that confidence as she figures out what works best for her-and remind her it’s completely ok if that changes. If you wish to reach out to her mom as a way to keep her updated/check in/etc, you should definitely ask your daughter first.

Thankfully, these were answered with the best possible response – yes she is in therapy and I have also branched out and recently was in contact with an adoption trauma therapist who is actually an adoptee and may start making the transition from her current therapist to the adoption one if our daughter feels comfortable with it.

An obvious question – Where is the sibling who ‘took care of her’? She needs to have a relationship w/them. And the response – she’s currently close and our daughter has complete contact with her. Her sister is also expecting her own child, so I’m sure there is a lot going on for that sister but our daughter has an Apple Watch and has full contact with her as she chooses.

Being Understood

When faced with complex feelings related to complicated situations, people with no experience with that reality will try to throw in a feel good positive but that does not indicate that they really understood how this experience has affected you.

A woman in my all things adoption group received this response from a friend and she acknowledges – My friend means well but they really don’t grasp how adoption IS trauma. This is my main support person. The only person who is there when no one else is and to have such a huge disconnect cuts deep. They are very accepting that everything is just the way it is and not allowing trauma to define your life. Which at times is super helpful – yet right now I’m hurting and on this subject it doesn’t actually work.

She goes on to explain – Saying that it “Wasn’t that bad” or complimenting me by saying “as amazing as you are” does not help. Was adoption not that bad because it shaped me into who I am ? Or is it that who I am is that resilient that I make being adopted seem like adoption isn’t that bad ? See I can’t have one thing without the other. I’m not allowed my identity without adoption being brought into it. I can’t be truly separated from my trauma, so that it wouldn’t define my life, which in turn makes me feel like a living breathing trauma in a skin suit. I’m like 2 people in one body that feels one story 2 different ways.

A birth mother can struggle in similar ways. One said – I am not an adoptee, but a birth mother and I relate so much to this situation. My dad and I are very close and any time I try to talk to him about my feelings regarding my birth daughter, he says things like “it could be so much worse than it is”. It would be so nice to have friends that genuinely understood.

One of my own reasons for writing this blog every day and sharing a diversity of situations and experiences is so that people without any adoption or foster care in their personal experience might understand these situations better and find a greater degree of empathy for an adoptee or birth mother, than these people usually encounter in their own everyday life.