PTSD Nightmares

I read a woman’s story today. She was adopted from Bulgaria in the 1990s. I won’t share all of what she wrote but much of it is typical for many adoptees regardless. She writes that she is beyond grateful & blessed to be where she is now. Her husband was able to find her birth mother and sister as a Mother’s Day gift 7-1/2 years ago but her birth mother wants no contact with her. Her husband suggested seeing if the orphanage she was at was still around.

Like my own adoptee mother, she wants to learn more about some health issues she has been having. She notes – Like my own adoptee mother, she wants to learn more about some health issues she has been having. I understand. It was the same in my family.

What really touched my heart was when she wrote – I blocked everything from the orphanage out. After our stillbirth, everything from the orphanage has been coming back in full force to where I get these horrible flashback nightmares. Sometimes the nightmares gets so bad to where I injure myself. Finally was put on PTSD medication and it’s been a huge help with my nightmares. Still get them but not as intense and scary. I finally found a counselor that I go to that helps with the adoptee’s trauma. I couldn’t have been any happier to finally have a counselor that can help me process find was to cope and heal from the emotional, physical and sexual abuse.

Reading her story had me do a deep dive into Bulgarian orphanages (I was aware of similar issues in Romania from long ago). I’ll spare you most of the details.

One response was this – We adopted 2 children from Bulgaria 6 years ago. I would say try and send the letter. But expect nothing in return. Honestly your mother probably has little to no medical information to give you. In Bulgaria, our experience is that unless you have money – care and knowledge is extremely limited. We were not told a great deal about the children that we adopted. They hid how violent our son was and he was only 7 when we adopted him. Our adoption was extremely difficult because of all that they hid.

Another adoptee shared this and offered some resources – having no health history is like never ending Russian Roulette. It’s typical for adoptees to have their early life trauma resurface in connection to pregnancy & loss. I hope your counsellor is adoption trauma competent & can help you begin to process the connections. I recommend looking up Pete Walker’s book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. You might also find Gabor Maté’s trauma videos on YouTube, useful. As a result of your loss, what you are experiencing is called ‘coming out of the fog’ & it’s fierce. There’s a fantastic blog by adoptee Gilli Bruce about leaving the adoption fog, that is worth looking up to explain it. Finally, read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.

I learned that Bulgaria has been criticized for having one of the highest numbers of children in state institutional care in the European Union. Growing up in an orphanage isn’t easy. No happy circumstances lead to kids living there. These difficult circumstances and the fact that children don’t have access to the best resources for their development can cause issues. These appallingly treated children are a legacy of Bulgaria’s communist past, when families were torn apart for the greater good of the state. Some boarding houses were established just to cater for those born out of wedlock.

Painful Reminder

From my all things adoption group today – I was SA in March which resulted in the baby that I am currently pregnant with. I have had a really hard time deciding what I should do as I already have a 4 year old and I’m scared that the emotions that I’m feeling could negatively effect how I raise this child. Some days I feel like I’m the best thing for her because we have bonded these last 28 weeks. But what if I can’t get past the trauma that I endured when I finally take her home? Would it be best for me to give her to a family that I hope would love her in all the ways that I wish I could? Or will I see her face and decide that she is mine regardless of how she came to be? I’m so scared at this point because I’ve seen a lot of adoptees say that they resent their NM for abandoning them and I don’t want this baby to feel like I don’t love her because even if she isn’t here yet, I definitely do! I just don’t know if the trauma will surpass my love and I don’t know what I should do… I’m posting this because I want the raw and blunt opinions of y’all. I want to know if you think that I’d cause more trauma keeping her or giving her up? As a mom already, I can’t imagine life without my 4 year old but I made those choices for her existence, whereas I feel I didn’t get any choices when it comes to this baby.

As I was looking for an image, I came across this piece in Salon. LINK>I got pregnant from rape by Renee Devesty from 2012 (so not in response to all the crazy stuff related to abortion being forced on women by extremist Republicans today). Actually, I remember the crazy ideas of Todd Akin back when.

Back to some of the thoughts in my group (adoptee voices are privileged). One adoptee said bluntly – “no one will love her like you. No one. Get into therapy now and start preparing to bring her home.” Another said – “If you love her already, that’s a very good sign. Letting someone else raise her is gambling with her life. I’ve always known I’m adopted, and the Complex PTSD didn’t show itself until I was 51. It’s been four years of hell. I’d rather not exist than be adopted.” That last sentiment I see frequently, including “I would rather have been aborted.”

A survivor notes – I worried much the same, that I’d struggle because they remind me of him. But they are and have been from day one, their own people. Even the traits that are recognizable as their other genetic half, are endearing in them. Your new baby didn’t have any more choice at their conception than you did, you are in this together. You already feel bonded, which is a huge sign that you can work through whatever trauma baby may bring. It may not be easy, some days may truly suck, but I think that is a part of parenthood even if the baby was planned to their first breath. I’m pretty sure giving up baby would be more traumatic to you than keeping baby, and it would be unquestionably traumatic to baby to be separated from you.

Empathy from this adoptee – “That something so beautiful can come from something dark & hurtful is amazing. Of course you can & do Love Her! She is a part of you right now. You are her home and her safe place. Please choose her, choose love, let her help you heal from your trauma. Don’t inflict the trauma of adoption on her. You both deserve each other & your other child deserves their sister too.”

When Does The Sadness Stop ?

An adoptee writes – I just want to know: when does it stop? The pain? The crying for no apparent reason when my boyfriend leaves my townhome after a night together? The deep, abiding loneliness? I think that is what it is, anyway. It is so hard. I’ve been in therapy since the divorce over five years ago. Hell, I’ve been in therapy off and on my whole life. I thought there was something “wrong” with me until VERY recently when I heard the adoption trauma lecture on YouTube and after listening to the audiobook “What Happened to You?” by Oprah Winfrey.

This had me looking for the book. I found a review by by LINK>Sarah O’Connor on WordPress. She writes – What Happened To You? is an incredibly detailed book. The book looks at what happened to a person to cause certain behaviors, reactions, and lifestyles instead of assuming something is wrong with a person based on how they act. She thought it was a very accessible way of writing a book on trauma.

I also learned there is something called the Dart Center for Journalism & Trauma which is a project of Columbia Journalism School. They have YouTube where their executive director Bruce Shapiro had a conversation with Oprah Winfrey and psychiatrist Bruce Perry MD.

So, good to know about this book. Back to the adoptee’s thoughts. One replies – I am trying to find words. Because mostly, this resonates. I think something people forget that us domestic infant adoptees are built on trauma. Like our first out of the womb experience is LOSS. How can we be “normal”? And just when I think I have dealt with a part of it, a new part of the pain and loss pops up and says hello. Just know you are not alone. (And I am very close in age to you.) The first woman responds – You’ve described it well: just a sense of deep loss… For as long ago as I can remember.

Another writes – I thought something was wrong with me until I hit 40 and learned about adoption trauma. I’m deconstructing too, so I can relate to the added layer of complexity and questions of belonging and identity. I also have complex post-traumatic stress disorder. I’ve been doing intense therapy for several years, which helps. I try to take a lot of time for self care. Sometimes that looks like a cry and a nap. Other times it’s something more creative so I don’t fall into a funk. I don’t know if I will ever feel “normal.”

One writes – I was adopted as a small child internationally. I am now a mom of 4. Amidst the daily tasks and just life, I carry with me a deep sadness that can’t be pinpointed. It’s just there. The absence of my first parents and being far from my siblings is really soul fracturing. It feels like a brokenness in me I will live with forever.

Yet one more adoptee writes – I think I’ve realized it will never stop and I just have to learn to live with it in a way that doesn’t destroy me, which certainly isn’t an easy feat.

A Huge Disappointment

The author of this book has completed Day 1 of a 2 Day conference on trauma. His book had previously been recommended in my all things adoption (which includes foster care) group. It is impossible to accurately convey how disappointed those who view the first day’s live event are with this man’s perspectives. I just signed up for free as there is still Day 2 to go this day and then, there are supposed to be recordings, if one misses the live event. Here is the link – The Body Keeps Score.

From the registration site –

Dr Bessel van der Kolk presents his signature presentation on treating the imprints of trauma on the body, mind, and soul.

He claims – “I’m presenting this training to serve as both a guide and an invitation—an invitation to dedicate ourselves to facing the reality of trauma, to explore how best to treat it, and to commit ourselves, as a society, to using every means we have to prevent it.”

Dr van der Kolk shows you how to apply proven methods and approaches like neurofeedback, EMDR, meditation, yoga, mindfulness, and sensory integration in your clinical practice — so you can experience the satisfaction of helping even your toughest client heal from deep-rooted trauma.

Some comments from my all things adoption group after watching Day 1 –

There were some horrific comments about foster children being dangerous and difficult and burning houses down. Not as specific cases. Foster children in general.

Of the 8 or so hours, I can probably boil the helpful info down to about 3 sentences and none of them are new.

Assumptions that all adopters are very nice and that any problems with adoption trauma must be due to the first mom drinking during pregnancy. I’m exaggerating. But not by much.

He also said that combat veterans with PTSD don’t benefit from Prozac because they’re too invested in blaming PTSD for all their problems. He also claimed that Prozac always works for everyone who isn’t a combat veteran.

Therapists are victims and powerless, that DSM is “a piece of sh*t”.

He also thinks everyone should take tango lessons and that it would solve their trauma better than therapy.

I hope people only ever access his works thru pirating and only to laugh at him and that his empire crumbles under his feet.

Let me guess he said adoption trauma isn’t real lol Most people think that children when adopted are clean slates, and our minds and bodies can just start over but that’s not even true, even for babies.

He spent AGES showing a video and talking about how traumatic it was for a non adopted child to be away from his mom for a day or two while younger sibling was being born. But oh gosh if it’s adoption, then adopters are very nice people and are absolute saints for putting up with difficult adopted children.

A lot of people are just uneducated and adoption trauma doesn’t exist to a lot of the world.

He also made a comment that assumed all foster children are correctly and justly taken from their families because they’ve all been abused by their first families.

A questioner asked should I skip reading the book ? The answer was – the book itself is great. Just not the adoption aspect, but overall.. worth a read!

His bigotry made me unwilling to financially support his business.

As an adoptee my response to him is: how f***ing dare you assume all adoptees are difficult and dangerous and all adopters are saintly and amazing for putting up with us ? How dare you, you overprivileged white man, one who feels entitled to say that colonizing wasn’t that bad and China is a miserable place to be ?

He is drunk on his own power and has no capacity for critically thinking through his bigoted views.

I have read the book. The book is not all about adoption, in fact, if I was describing the book I wouldn’t even discuss that part. It is about the bodies physiological, neurological and biological response is trauma. It is a very important way of understanding regarding why people respond they way they do. It’s been a while since I read it but I’m sure there are some generalized and probably offensive statements for adoptees but overall it’s extremely helpful in understanding how trauma effects all the multiple systems of the body.

I was told flat out by a Guardian ad Litem that my children needing glasses was due to my drug use during pregnancy. Never mind the fact that I’ve never had a drug problem, never failed a drug test and was drug tested during, before and after my pregnancy… Couldn’t be that every member of mine and my husband’s family needs glasses and sometimes children just have vision problems. It must be drug use (meant sarcastically).

Keep in mind that over 50% of psychological research cannot be replicated. (Over 50% actually according to a top scientific journal – Nature magazine.) While therapists can be beneficial, there are a lot of quacks who present as authorities in the field. Some of the most well-known people in the field can be the most problematic such that their work cannot be replicated, but they ride the coat tails of their notoriety and most people don’t know how to keep them accountable.

Just a note, that 50% number is not quite accurate and most of the psychology quacks aren’t the ones actually doing research. There have been a lot of critiques of that article since, including the kinds of studies they chose to try to replicate and the conditions under which they claimed replication failed. I’m not saying it isn’t a problem, but that article almost certainly overstated it.

I’m a PhD in psychology. We have a giant problem with public communication of our science.

Someone suggested the book – The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity by Nadine Burke Harris MD. From a review at NIH website – Hans Selye, a Hungarian-born physician, developed the concept of the General Adaptation Syndrome as the first neurohormonal model of physiologic stress implicating pituitary and adrenal function in the etiology of many chronic diseases, and the associated sickly appearance of those suffering. claimed the physiologic life is fundamentally a process of adaptation to the totality of one’s experience, with real health and happiness being the successful adjustment or adaptation to those ever-changing conditions. Failure to adapt to the stress burden resulted in disease and unhappiness. In 1985, Vincent Felitti, MD, Chief of Preventive Medicine at Southern California Permanente Medical Group, San Diego, added mightily to Selye’s work with his findings of the profound, destructive, multi-organ system consequences of adverse childhood experiences. Nadine Burke Harris, MD, discovered Felitti’s pioneering work later, yet immediately understood the potential power of its lessons if implemented in her pediatric practice. She describes well her newfound understanding of the pathogenesis of ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) and the excitement of potential, effective therapeutic interventions. The Deepest Well is the story of how Burke Harris transformed herself into a champion persuader of truths difficult for others to hear, and a better clinician.

Bessel van der Kolk was booted by The Trauma Center (which he helped establish) because of his issues. The Boston Globe from March 7 2018 – Allegations of employee mistreatment roil renowned Brookline trauma center.

This doesn’t surprise me in the slightest (I’ve met Bessel before and my old boss worked under him at the Boston Trauma Center when he was in charge… he went down with Me Too NOT because he’s a sexual predator, but because he’s such an a**hole that he got more or less ousted from the PTSD community). It’s really a shame because his work is SO important and good and foundational in the complex PTSD world but he’s such a horrible person it overshadows it a lot of the time. I didn’t realize his what views were re: adoption etc, but I did know his insane levels of narcissism and his general tendency to bully.

Another one says, I met him at an International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies conference as well, in 2012 or 2013, I remember him being rude, though I had no idea he had any specific views about adoption in particular.

I’m so very disappointed to hear this. I read his book and it was so very eye opening for me. His work seems so foundational to the study of the affect of trauma on people. It is so very disappointing and even more frustrating.

What is C-PTSD ?

Most of us have heard of PTSD but until this morning, I didn’t know there was a more severe version called Complex-PTSD.

Most people who have looked at adoption very closely already know that trauma is an aspect of having been surrendered to adoption for most adoptees. I’ve become so steeped in it that I can recognize effects now in statements made by an adoptee that to them a vague issues they still don’t know the source of. This lack of awareness occurs most often in teenagers and young adults. Most mature adoptees have worked through many of these and may have had some counseling or therapy to help them uncover the underlying emotions and possible sources of these.

Complex PTSD, however, is specific to severe, repetitive trauma that typically happens in childhood – most often abuse. On the surface, both PTSD and C-PTSD both come as the result of something deeply traumatic, they cause flashbacks, nightmares and insomnia, and they can make people live in fear even when they are safe.

The very heart of C-PTSD – what causes it, how it manifests internally, the lifelong effects (including medically), and its ability to reshape a person’s entire outlook on life – is what makes it considerably different.

PTSD typically results from “short-lived trauma”, or traumas of time-limited duration. Complex PTSD stems from chronic, long-term exposure to trauma in which a victim has limited belief it will ever end or cannot foresee a time that it might. This can include: child abuse, long-term domestic violence, being held in captivity, living in crisis conditions/a war zone, child exploitation, human trafficking, and more.

The causal factors are not all that separates PTSD from C-PTSD. How their symptoms manifest can tell you even more. PTSD is weighted heaviest in the post-traumatic symptoms: nightmares, flashbacks, hyperarousal/startle response, paranoia, bursts of emotion, etc.

C-PTSD includes all the symptoms of PTSD as well as a change in self-concept. How one sees themselves, their perpetrator, their morals and values, their faith in others or a god. This can overhaul a survivor’s entire world view as they try to make sense of their trauma and still maintain a belief that they, and the world around them, could still be good or safe.

When an adult experiences a traumatic event, they have more tools to understand what is happening to them, their place as a victim of that trauma, and know they should seek support even if they don’t want to. Children don’t possess most of these skills, or even the ability to separate themselves from another’s unconscionable actions. The psychological and developmental implications of that become complexly woven and spun into who that child believes themselves to be — creating a messy web of core beliefs much harder to untangle than the flashbacks, nightmares and other post-traumatic symptoms that come later.

The effects are usually deeply interpersonal within that child’s caregiving system. Separate from both the traumatic events and the perpetrator, there is often an added component of neglect, hot-and-cold affections from a primary caregiver, or outright invalidation of the trauma, if a child does try to speak up. These disorganized attachments and mixed messages from those who are supposed to provide love, comfort and safety – all in the periphery of extreme trauma – can create unique struggles.

Credit for this blog and for the beginning of my education in this new concept goes to Beauty After Bruises.