Tag: Cremation

Unexpected Regrets

Even in the reality of so much, unexpected regrets can hit due to grief and no good way to have made it all come out better. Today’s story – a kinship adoptee writes “my biological mother was always in and out of my life. My WHOLE life she struggled with addiction. I always took her in, always took care of her, always tried to help her stay sober. July of last year my biological brother un-alived himself and that same day my biological mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer.

I took my mom in to try to fight her battle with cancer but she kept testing positive for drug use, so they wouldn’t do her chemo. That lead me having to deny her staying with me because I couldn’t risk someone in active addiction in my house with my children. The last time she left the nursing home (because at this point the cancer was getting bad) to go be with her dealer, after me begging her to just stay clean and be my mom and a grandma, I had to cut off contact.

About a week and a half before she passed, she sent me a video telling me she was dying and she only had a few months left. She had signed a DNR and was going into hospice. I honestly didn’t really believe her as she was a compulsive liar and did things like this in the past for attention. However, I opened back up contact, just in case. She kept telling me her dying wish was to come be with me. live with me and my children, until she passed. I had just bought my first home a week before. I didn’t want the trauma connected to her passing in my home.

By the time I went to see her at the hospital, a few days later, she was delusional – thought I was a caseworker and my kids were actually her kids. She became so violent I had to take the kids home but did come back. She couldn’t have a real conversation but would randomly say my name or tell me she loved me. A few days later, she died two minutes before I got off work. This happened in April. My mother, who had a treatable cancer, died in less than a year due to not being strong enough to fight her addiction.

No matter how bad or crappy of a mother my mom was – I still want my mom to this day. The loss of her has destroyed me inside. On top of ALL of this because I WAS ADOPTED AND SHE WASNT ON MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE, I NO LONGER WAS THE NEXT OF KIN!!!!!’ This part KILLED me. I was the next of kin until someone told them “you know she was adopted and she isn’t her legal mom anymore”. This took any chance I had to grieve in the way I wanted. They had her cremated immediately.

I get shamed because I didn’t take her in during her dying days. I get shamed for missing her now because I wouldn’t let her live with me, when she was alive but addicted. Sometimes I feel guilty for not doing more.

Funeral Anxiety

Today’s story (not my own) –

I’m an adoptee who didn’t find out I was adopted until I was 24…I turned 40 in May (major trauma obviously, but that’s for another time). I’ve met my birth mother, maternal grandmother, birth father, and a couple (not all) of my siblings. Novel made short, my birth grandma died last Thursday. Her celebration of life is set for next Friday and I am struggling really fucking hard as to what to do.

Yes, I knew (?) and loved her. I THINK I want to be there. But I also don’t want to be the proverbial long lost child/grandchild/sibling who comes waltzing in. I have so much guilt, I’ve carried it since I first met my birth mom (another long story). It’s such a tricky relationship, on all sides, and I hate this. I wish more than anything I had someone to just tell me what to do; to hop on that flight and do this, or to stay home as I am so sick and conflicted already that it wouldn’t be well for my mental health. My birth mother has always made me feel horribly guilty. My adopted mother does the same. So I just kind of keep all of the moms at arms length for the sake of my mental health. My Granny was different. I only saw her a literal handful of times, but she was strong and kind and she validated me. Now that she’s gone, I don’t know what I want anymore.

It’s just weird. It’s a weird place. Being adopted is weird period, and I mostly despise it.

One response from another adoptee – I wouldn’t want to miss it and regret it. Family events are hard for me because biological family is all gathering, and it is a painful reminder of all the family events I was not a part of. You aren’t obligated to stay. If you feel it’s too much to handle, you could leave at any time. I’d check into nearby coffee shops/diner/regular shops that are in walking distance in case I needed an early escape. I didn’t know my maternal grandma for long but I did spend her last moments with her in the hospital. I am glad I did.

Someone else suggested exit strategies – Opps-forgot my sweater in the car. (5 min break). Tylenol is in the car too. How forgetful. Sigh. Need some caffeine to stop this headache. (Walk to coffee shop, 20 min break) Oh no, I cleared the day but work really needs me to resolve an issue. Can we catch up in a couple of hours over dinner? Also, if it would be helpful, bring a support person who can just listen to you (and serve as a buffer if you need one).

Another adoptee points out that funerals are for the living. Do what’s going to bring YOU peace and screw what anyone else thinks. Don’t overcomplicate your decision with the intricacies of your relationships with your birth family. Either you want to be there for YOU or you don’t. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

Another asked – Would you regret it if you stayed home? Would you later look back and think you should’ve gone? Go with the option that leaves you little to no regret. You deserve to be there, this is your family and I’m sure you’re very wanted. The original poster answered – I’m truly not sure if I would regret it. She’s already been cremated, so I could always go on my own time, alone, and save myself some chaos. It’s just a tricky relationship with my birth mother …odd at best. I’m putting it very nicely, too.  I don’t like feeling manipulated.  It’s been rocky, and then some.