When Adoption Is Justified

Not the actual note mentioned in today’s story.

From an adoptive parent – My son was surrendered to a hospital. Physically walked inside and handed over, with a pretty lengthy note. The note was taken by the investigative social worker that night and put in his “file”. It is assumed that the biological mother called the safe haven hotline asking for nearest box, but it was hours away, so they coordinated with the closest hospital for her to take him. As a licensed foster parent, I received a call for him that night (late) and met him next day.

Upon learning of this note, I asked to be given it for his sake. Besides the clothes he was wrapped in, when he was brought in, that’s the only biological tie he has left. The hospital thankfully sent the clothes home with me, which I still have. I was told “No” and that “wasn’t my place” every time I asked for the note because I was “just” the foster parent. (Basically his case was open for a year before adoption, so I was “just” the foster parent the entirety of that.) The case went through multiple worker’s hands and I tried each and every worker, only to be told the same thing. There are some details I won’t go into, but they did look for the biological parents to try and charge them. They even went so far as to review video footage from the hospital – to which the hospital told social workers no, and police got involved. He was born outside of a hospital, then brought in, so there is no way to know who biological parents are, unless they want to come forward one day.

After adoption, I asked for the note, which by then was in a sealed record. I was advised to do records request and do this and that and blah blah blah. Even though I did everything they told me to, nothing ever worked. Try this department next. This went on for a year. I called the ombudsman’s office and they were zero help. Eventually I got an attorney involved and just like magic, I got a COPY of the note in my email. I was thankful for that, but I continued to push for the original. My perspective is that it is my son’s right to have this. I was told the original had been destroyed. Don’t even get me started.

Based off of the note, I do assume the biological mother really DID want to remain anonymous. I have spoke with the safe haven organization and asked if they ever heard anything since that night to which they have not. I told them to please let me know if they ever do because I personally know of another safe haven family that was able to connect with biological mother and they have an open adoption. Biological mothers can call into safe haven organization and receive counseling, as well as let them know if they are seeking an open adoption or even just contact in general. Organization was able to connect adoptive mother and biological mother. It has to be wanted on both sides, or they won’t connect them. I wanted them to know I was open to that, if anything were to ever come in the future.

Making Comfortable

Life is complicated for me at the moment and stuff keeping taking all my time and I can’t get what I want to do done at the time I would like to. This is becoming more common these days thanks to inexpensive DNA testing. Explaining today’s effort –

I was recently contacted by a woman who believed my grandmother was her mother and she was adopted at birth. My grandmother denied being this woman’s mother, but due to the DNA results she had showing a relationship to my grandmother’s cousin (my grandmother didn’t know her father or cousins and states she wants nothing to do with them) I opted to take a test, as did my father. My results came in this morning, my father’s are pending for a few more weeks.

The results showed that she IS my Half Aunt, as we expected. I haven’t spoken to my grandmother yet nor has my father told my other aunt that they have an older sister, as he wants to wait until his test results are in. In the mean time, I have been building my own relationship with this cousin I never thought I would meet.

That all being said- my grandmother is most likely going to continue to deny that this is her daughter. My father and I do want to continue to pursue a relationship with my aunt but she has mentioned that she doesn’t want to make any of us uncomfortable or “Rock the boat”. I notified her the moment I had my results but I don’t want her to feel like I’m pressuring her to have a relationship, going too fast or coming on too strongly but I want to make sure I effectively communicate my support and wish to have her in my life.

My question is: Assuming my grandmother continues to insist on denying her existence, what is the best thing I can do to help her feel more welcome with the rest of us?

We’re not worried about my other aunt accepting her nor my cousins, overall everyone would be pretty positive about it, aside from Grandma. I don’t want her to feel as if she needs to leave us alone for the sake of ‘keeping the peace’ (not that there has been any, my father and I had pretty much cut my grandmother out of our lives years ago due to other unrelated events) and I want to help make her as comfortable with us as possible and build that relationship with all the time we lost until now. I am allowing her to take the lead but want to make sure I don’t overstep or make her feel unwanted or left out in ANY way. If anyone has suggestions or an idea of the role I can play in reunion I would deeply appreciate it as we learn about our family and help her step back into our family.

One suggestion that probably won’t fly, although logical, was this – Have you offered your grandma the idea of submitting her DNA? It’s not for everyone but if she truly isn’t the mother, she may want to clear it up. This woman deserves to know where she comes from and if it’s your grandma, it’s not her secret to keep.

But maybe this – about making your Aunt feel truly welcomed — make sure to include her *casually.* Don’t only contact her about big stuff, holidays, DNA news, etc. Send her a pic of your coffee or a meme and let her know you’re thinking about her and hope she’s having a good day. Include her in group chat texts with other family members. Let her in on the family jokes. Reach out a lot, and give grace if she doesn’t always respond. Ask her questions about her hobbies, interests, life – and then follow up (“you mentioned the other day you’ve always wanted to learn to crochet – I found a free crochet book at the library and thought of you instantly. Can I send it to you?”). In a non-related context, I’ve been the recipient of (what felt like) obligated communication and it can really feel hurtful.

Concerns About Illegal Adoptions

Ukraine’s foreign ministry has appealed to the United Nations to facilitate the return of Ukrainian children who have been “illegally deported” to Russia.

In a statement, the ministry said Russia had engaged in the “illegal and forced displacement” of Ukrainian children, “among them orphans, children deprived of parental care, as well as children whose parents died as a result of Russia’s military aggression” across Ukraine’s borders to Russia.

The statement reads:

In violation of international humanitarian law and basic standards of humanness, Russia is engaged in state-organized kidnapping of children and destruction of the future of the Ukrainian nation.

Such actions of the Russian occupiers can be qualified as kidnapping and require a decisive reaction from the international community, primarily from the relevant international organizations.

Ukraine has repeatedly accused Russian forces of forcibly deporting thousands of children from the Donetsk and Luhansk regions of eastern Ukraine since the war began.

Earlier this month, two individuals said they and other women and children were forcibly transported to Russian territory from the besieged city of Mariupol in March. The Kremlin spokesperson, Dmitry Peskov, has denied these accusations, claiming “such reports are lies”.

~ source The Guardian reporting

Because I am generally against adoption in most cases, and even though I know that the US has no high moral ground, as I am aware that children arriving unaccompanied at the US border were taken in and most likely, too many adopted by families that were total strangers to them, I am still concerned that this same unfortunate situation is also happening to Ukrainian children. I know the circumstances are not equal but the outcomes are equally concerning.