Tag: DNA Testing Matching

Intrusive Questions

Long ago, in my early twenties, I learned not to ask intrusive questions. My operative mode is if someone wants me to know “whatever”, they will tell me. It does keep me out of awkward situations but not everyone has the same standards. Therefore, I can relate to today’s story. We have been honest about our sons’ conception – especially with them. In my mom’s group, some were “don’t tell”. I do wonder with inexpensive DNA testing and matching services, how that is working out for them. None of my business really but I have been on the receiving end of intrusive questions of all kinds over the years.

Here is the woman’s story – My 4 month old was conceived using a known-donor embryo. We often get asked (as many parents do) “who does she look like” or some variation (e.g. oh she has dark hair like mum or where do her beautiful brown eyes come from?). I feel torn on how to respond, our family and friends know about our baby’s conception and often we have conversations about how much our baby resembles one of her genetic siblings and parents. When unknown people or acquaintances make comments I usually just say thank you or agree, e.g. “she has your dark hair”, I’ll just smile and say yes but when they ask questions, I’m never sure how to respond. Would you feel it is most appropriate to just “lie” e.g. “where do her lovely brown eyes come from?” So, I respond “her uncle has brown eyes” or should I just tell the truth ?- “her genetic parents have brown eyes”. That would probably just prompt questions regarding her conception that I don’t feel it is appropriate to discuss in the elevator or with the sales assistant at a store.

One suggestion that I agree with is – a generic type answer or deflecting answer. Another option is simply not answering. I liked this one – I have heard some say “genetics are wild aren’t they?” Blogger’s response was – We stayed with age-appropriate answers but were always honest with our egg donor conceived sons. I have been on the receiving end of some intrusive questions. It all depends on who and the circumstances but mostly it is instinct. Not everything that someone wants to know are they entitled to know. This is how I probably responded most of the time – keeping it real and vague.

Someone noted – it’s just a cultural habit to ask these questions, people are trying to be friendly, not nosy. Blogger’s note – And I do think a lot of it is that. Very often, people will note the oldest boy looks like his father and the younger one looks like me – which I always find very funny because I know the truth. People see what they want to see and it is usually well meaning.

I do agree with this perspective – that being defensive around relatively standard small talk could make our kids uncomfortable about the topic. Of course, that is the last thing any of us who are part of this brave new world want. There are so many neutral, friendly phrases you can keep in your back pocket that aren’t lies but also aren’t too much information either. A relaxed, friendly, low-information response will convey to your child that you aren’t uncomfortable with your family’s truth, while also modeling healthy boundaries and being a good neighbor to the well-meaning strangers we interact with every day. This is the bottom line truth – you don’t need to explain every detail of your life to random strangers making small talk.

Without Secrecy or Shame

The mom’s group related to my youngest son once divided ourselves into tell/don’t tell. After that, we could no longer discuss, within the whole group, the medical technology that had brought all of us together. Our children were all born within a 4 month window of time. We’ve only gotten together once (and not all of us made it to the event) when our children were 2 years old. One woman who gave birth to twins developed a rapid breast cancer and is no longer with us. As to the others, I often wonder how the ones who were “don’t tell” will manage the reality of inexpensive DNA testing and matching services that are ubiquitous today. Though I never ask . . .

My family was always open about the truth but also did not make a big issue of it. Locally, I really didn’t think it was anyone else’s business. After our egg donor did 23 and Me, I got my husband a kit. Then we got both of our sons kits. That gave us an opportunity to talk over one Sunday night dinner about the whole circumstance of how we came to have them. They seem to understand that they would not exist any other way. As their biological mother (though they don’t have my genes – at least not from the egg that became them – who knows what all goes on in the womb ?), I don’t detect any difference in our relationships with one another – thankfully.

So, yesterday, I read this story that, of course, spoke to me in very personal ways. I suppose part of my own reasons for honest transparency had to do with the fact that I am a child of 2 adoptees and until after they had both died, I knew next to nothing about our origins. My only regret is that I didn’t uncover those details while they were still alive.

The story was part of LINK>Huffpost Personal and was submitted by Julee Newberger titled – My Parents Hid The Truth Of My Birth From Me. I Almost Did The Same To My Own Daughter. It is subtitled – “The longer we waited, the more anxious I became. If we didn’t tell her soon, I feared it could do lasting damage to our family.”

She explains – “When I was my daughter’s age, I believed I was the biological daughter of my doting mom and dad, who said they tried to have children for more than 10 years until, at last, I arrived. But I always sensed that something was amiss. There were no pictures of my mother pregnant or stories about my birth. Nobody in the family had my crooked smile or blue-green eyes. I’d overheard some whispered conversations about adoption, but whenever I asked my parents, they shut it down.”

“By the time an older cousin confirmed that I was adopted, I was in my early 40s and both my parents had passed away. This midlife discovery left me with tangled emotions and no way to work through it with the two people I’d loved and trusted most. It’s possible that my parents thought they were saving me from stigma or that they feared I’d abandon them in lieu of my biological family.”

Regarding the conception of her daughter, she notes – “I also experienced something I hadn’t anticipated ― a sense of shame, as if I had cheated nature. At 44, maybe I wasn’t supposed to be a new mother, and by extension, this beautiful baby wasn’t truly mine. . . . feeling like an imposter, somehow less ‘legit’ than the other moms.” Up until her daughter’s questions about ethnicity, she had told herself that it was too soon to explain donor conception to a child who was too young to understand how a baby was made.

So, this is how it proceeded – “As soon as she started asking about her ancestry, I bought a book called ‘You Began as a Wish’ by Kim Bergman, which talks about all the different ways kids are conceived. My husband and I planned for all of us to read it together, but my daughter preempted that by pulling the book out of a box of Amazon purchases after school.” The author continues, “My whole body tensed as she began reading aloud and asking questions: ‘So all kids are made up of sperm, an egg, a womb’ … ” So, Julee came out with it – “Remember we told you that Mommy had trouble getting pregnant at first?” I said matter-of-factly. “Well, an anonymous donor gave us an egg so that we could have you.”

“After a while, I could see recognition in her warm brown eyes, different in color and shape than my own. “So, I’m related to somebody else,” she said. The author notes – “A recent study on third-party reproduction. Results showed families have better outcomes when parents tell kids about their conception early on, ideally by the time they’re 7 years old. The longer we waited, the more anxious I became. If we didn’t do it soon, I feared it could do lasting damage to our family.”

blogger’s note – I don’t regret any of our choices. The situation is simply my family’s reality and we are far from alone in our circumstances. It is a whole new world thanks to medical progress.