Previously, I heard of Gotcha Day, which seems to have been more recently softened to Adoption Day. I read an essay at Struggle Shuttle – LINK>Gotcha Day vs. Adoption Day | Which is it? She acknowledges that – Although we celebrate the original adoption day, we do not celebrate anniversaries. It is rare, in our family, to even remember the day as it passes, much less acknowledge it. She notes – Even if their adoptions hadn’t gone through, their birthdays would still be the most important days of the year. Not their adoption days. As an adoptive mother and considering all emotions wrapped up in this day, however, I would suggest keeping this day as a day of remembrance for you as an adoptive parent. I would not suggest pushing it on your adopted child as a day that they should celebrate.
Then today, I read it expressed as Happy Homecoming Day. Along with that “reminder” came an admission – “Although maybe we should not have celebrated it from your perspective. If so, I’m sorry. Maybe just a joyful day from our side.” It was recently this adoptee’s 40th birthday but also 40 years since the adoptive parents had brought her home.
One adoptee suggested as a response – “I know you feel like this is a celebratory time, and for you maybe it is, but for me it’s a bittersweet reminder. I’d really appreciate some understanding as I navigate through this.”
Regardless of how loving adoptive parents are or how good of a relationship they have been able to create with their adoptee, adoption is ALWAYS a LOSS for the adopted person – regardless of the timing or circumstances. While most people grow up with the parents who conceived them, that is what the adoptee always loses – their genetic biological parents and often more than one genetically related sibling.
As this one noted – “Life on this earth is not easy for anyone. It only becomes exponentially heavier to travail this world while being annually reminded of the death of the source-of-origin of one’s life. Celebrating that day for me, is like celebrating a funeral. It’s the day I was officially denied to be loved by the very ones that are supposed to give their lives for me. It’s a mystery that may never get answered on this side of Heaven. Above all, it is so, so sad.”
She adds – I hope you can one day understand that annually highlighting my “coming home day” as a source of joy to you, makes you seem far-removed from empathizing with the saddened reality of what it means to be born to individuals that were unwell, unsupported, and lost in their journey. Having to give up your own child because you can’t cope with this world, I can imagine only serves to put you even further down the hole you’re already in. It hurts to think any one could be that unwell. It’s not something I celebrate.
Missing Mom 