Tag: Ethical Choices

Culture and Identity

I am going to try and summarize a complex situation which could apply to others who might be reading my blog.

So a 17 year old got pregnant. A relationship that had lasted almost 2 years had broken up about a year before she got pregnant but they were still ”seeing each other” on and off. He wanted her to terminate, citing that he had a very traumatic childhood and was not ready to bring a child into the world, much less with someone he no longer wanted a relationship with.

She decided against it because she had previous losses and suspected infertility due to PCOS. As soon as she saw her baby’s heartbeat on the ultrasound screen, she knew she didn’t have it in her to terminate. That child is now 4 years old and carries the woman’s maiden name.

So the father then shamed her for her decision and told her she would regret it, tried to convince her to “at least put the kid up for adoption so it has a chance at a good life” and she honestly heavily debated doing that as they weren’t the only one to shame her and try to convince her she couldn’t be a good mother. She was very lost, confused and scared but ultimately decided she would keep the baby and try to give it the best life that she could, prepared to do it all on her own.

Before giving birth, she met someone. She had a gut feeling that she was capable of having a healthy relationship with this man. He there for her throughout the pregnancy, cut the umbilical cord and helped name the baby. After getting married to him, she discovered that she was again pregnant. She thought about changing her first daughter’s name but wondered if that was the ethical thing to do because she technically had another parent.

Recently, she reached out to her daughter’s estranged father and discovered that they had both changed exponentially. However, the father still does not think it’s a good idea to have contact with his daughter. He thinks his presence would somehow “mess up” her life because he still has personal issues he needs to work on. Her father is indigenous and this mother doesn’t want her daughter to grow up not knowing half of her lineage. She feels that her daughter is missing out on the rich and beautiful culture that she descends from. She says that he is not a bad person at all.

One commenter said – You are asking the right questions. You’re approaching this with humility and a desire to uphold what is best for your daughter, even if there are “easier” solutions that others are pushing for. Consider allowing her to decide when she is of age, whether she would like to be adopted by her stepdad. Adoption can be a good choice WHEN the adoptee’s needs, desires, and AGENCY are fully recognized and active. It’s as big a choice as marriage (perhaps more so!), and it is a decision that no adult should make for her, especially since she may want to consider tribal affiliation in the future.

Opt Out

Understanding that it is not always easy or uncomplicated, still from a reform point of view – this is the best thing you can do. At least, do your best to attempt to opt out of revising a child’s birth certificate (and you may get some serious push back from the powers that be).

Regarding the amending of birth certificates as part of adoption – many states have laws that say the birth certificate will be changed if requested by the adopter – California is one example. Of course, I would prefer that you don’t adopt a child at all. As an adoptive parent, you should not destroy another human beings legal kinship through you falsification of their birth certificate. In many states, it is a choice, not a mandate. If you are hell bent on adopting, despite the fact that guardianship is the more respectful way to provide care to another person’s child, the least you can do is specifically request the original birth certificate is not altered. Inform the judge that you will identify yourself and your authority over the child by showing a copy of your adoption decree and that the child will identify themselves with a copy of their unaltered birth certificate.

Please OPT OUT of birth certificate revision – if your state allows the option. If your state does not allow it – submit a request to the judge to opt out anyway, since you obviously have all the control as the adoptive parent anyway. Also OPT OUT of adoption and into guardianship. The only ethical choice is really guardianship. Adoption without birth certificate revision is just on way for you to cause less damage.

Here is one resource for you to check your state – LINK (click in title box at top) > State Codes Birth Certificate Revision.