Tag: Exhaustion

Just Want It To End

THC Gummies look like candy.

Today’s story is from an adoptee who is also a mom (and it isn’t me) –

In February, an incident happened in my home while my ex husband was watching our kids and I was out with friends for the first time in almost half a decade. In that situation, 2 of my kids had to go to the hospital for ingesting THC gummies, from there Child Protective Services (CPS) was called and they took all 4 of my kids. I am still fighting it all to this day. Luckily, all of them are with family or close friends. My older two are with their grandma, my 3rd is with her god mom and my 4th is with her god mom.

My 4th, I didn’t parent as I should have. She was with her god mom 5 days a week, overnight too because I was made to work a god awful shift of 11am-9pm everyday, so by the time I was off, #4 was asleep and I didn’t want to disturb her.

Today my 4th baby is one.

During the CPS case, I’ve been pressured to give #4 up for adoption to her godparents. I thought I was doing the right thing since everyone around me kept saying how “selfless” I am for this choice after being talked into it. That it would be better for my baby since she loves them so much, knows their routine with her, and she “knows them as her mom and dad”.

I don’t want this.

I have thought this over and over. Judge gave them full custody already in April. They’ve paid almost 10k already into this adoption, I feel horrible for making them waste SO much money. But I do not want this and I don’t know what to do.

I guess this was more venting than anything, or if anyone has been in anything similar? I feel hopeless, and with a CPS case on me already, I don’t know if there is even a chance of my being able to get my baby back.

I’m not an awful mom. I have done absolutely everything the social worker has told me to do, I just want this all to end. I want all of my babies home and now I might only get 3 home instead of all 4.

blogger’s note – though these are unique and not necessarily likely to happen to anyone, the story is a cautionary note about what can happen. I do consume 1/2 of a 10mg edible as my “sippy hour” each evening. While it doesn’t directly “cure” my constant joint and muscle aches, it does distract my mind from them. Though I have 2 young adult sons who their father has made aware that I do this, I am very discrete and control access in a non visible location. My sons are too old now for me to worry about CPS and I have great compassion for any person who has to work such extreme hours just to get by.

One mother of loss had this to suggest – Fight it to the bitter end! Do NOT give up! At least if you fail in this regard, one day your child will know you fought for her! Also, do NOT feel guilty! You did not ask them to invest all of that $ into trying to take your child!

If anyone uses the attachment your child has to them as an excuse for them to keep her then suggest a transition period back to you – then they have no excuse for her to not go back to you! Tell whoever is in charge you are willing do whatever it takes to get your child back whether it is therapeutic visits, supervised visits, and/or parenting classes, etc., during the transition back to you.

I would then find someone else to watch her while you work after you get her back so you don’t ever risk anything like that again with them.

Please do not give up! You will regret giving up (most likely the rest of your life), but you won’t regret fighting to keep her!

It’s Called Being A Parent

In my household, we have always had a family bed. Actually, it is two king-size platform beds placed side by side. We have a rather unconventional lifestyle. Our sons are self-educated with massive support from us at home. Our internet is satellite and the best speed and availability is during the “bonus” time overnight. So, sometimes and not every night, the boys are awake while the parents sleep. Things seem to be “normalizing” a bit more for us as they mature but they are often asleep in the daytime. BTW we had them evaluated and both perform educationally at a level higher than their peers – so we’ve not ruined them.

The youngest sleeps to my right at the outside edge of the sleeping space. I sleep towards the middle. My oldest son to my left and my husband on the far left edge. Though I absolutely am terrorized when I hear the sound of throw-up coming and do not relish our bed, my pjs and everything else being covered in it – I am still grateful that our sons have never suffered illness out of our awareness or even nightmares for that matter. I fully realize we are a bit unusual in that regard but it is how we live in a one-room cabin of an old farmhouse where the upstairs space is neither heated nor cooled and therefore not really livable anyway. I also admit that if I am very ill, I become entirely dependent on care from my husband as though I were a helpless child. I am unable to care properly for my own self, lack the motivation to do so. This is the way families ought to be for one another.

I readily recognize that being a foster parent is a choice and for some – a means of adding revenue in the form of stipends – which are meant to be used for the expenses related to their foster care youth but are not always used for such. Therefore, I also recognize that many lack the commitment to these children that a parent usually (and I realize not always) has for their own biological children.

Therefore, I appreciated this response from someone, after seeing the image at the top of this blog –

So, my kids have all contracted the stomach bug twice in the last month and have all vomited on my couch, bed, clothes, bathroom, in my car and in between the stomach bugs have had a new virus or infection every week. Then on top of that my 6 year old has nightmares and anxiety. I’m 20 weeks pregnant and have not slept in a month. But am I thinking of dumping them somewhere else because of their audacity to get sick every week, vomit and pee anywhere other than the toilet, or interrupt my sleep? NO. It’s called being a PARENT. It fu*king sucks sometimes, yes, but life goes on!! If someone can’t handle another kid living in their home and being part of their family, and experiencing kid/life stuff on top of their trauma (that they have ZERO control over), then they should NOT foster. PERIOD. Makes me so angry. Also the husband “not being able to help” – get outta here. I’m a severe emetophobe but even I step up when someone needs help and it involves puke. I want to die in the moment, but there’s just no excuse, it’s called being an adult.