At Best, Unconditional is BS

From a Late Discovery Adoptee (didn’t know they were adopted until late in life) –

Was cleaning out my garage and have made a pile of adoptive family stuff to heave out of my life. Found a letter my adoptive parents’ daughter that she included when sending me the stuff that I told her I do not want. She has never taken any responsibility for her part in deceiving me. She has never attempted to learn anything about the trauma of either adoption or betrayal. Instead she insists she has always loved me unconditionally.

Please.

I see this word used so frequently by adopters and their family members when talking to or about adopted people in the home.

I see how so many of us absolutely hate this language. Hate. It. It’s triggering and often lazy and often used, perhaps unconsciously, to dismiss the feelings and experiences the adopted person is trying to share. The adopter people are feeling uncomfortable, so they whip out unconditional.

I feel like it needs to be added to the list of things to never say to an adopted person. Instead, maybe if the adopters are uncomfortable or feel they need to reassure the adopted person, they could really listen and validate the persons feelings and ask them What can I do to help? What would me reassuring you sound and feel like? How can I help support you? What could I change about our interactions?

I know it’s not just me who thinks unconditional is, at best, bs. Thoughts? Ideas?

An adoptive parent asks – What language would you prefer ? It’s a never win situation for some of us who loved so much, we chose to be there for a stranger’s child as well as our own. Clearly some just choose to be angry at us in lieu of the one that abandoned them. It was a simple question in response to words she didn’t want to hear. I was curious. But clearly some truly don’t want a resolution but choose instead to stew in unnecessary hate.

She replied – it’s not just an issue of language. It’s the intent and the impact as well. Think about this – if I was chosen, that implies that I met some expectation or that they had hopes that I would meet some expectation. Choosing me meant others were not chosen, right ? So then, I fail to live up to any or all of those expectations by say, expressing myself in a way that makes them uneasy. They then “reassure” me that they love me unconditionally. They don’t acknowledge or validate my feelings or apologize or seek to understand. They just try to wave it all away with the Unconditional wand. It’s like shorthand for we don’t care. Or at least, we don’t care enough to actually hold space for you in an authentic way. Just be mollified and move on. I’d much rather be told, yeah, we are disappointed that you don’t feel loved. Or yes, we hoped you would be happy but since you are not, what can we do to be here for you ? Or even, yep, we don’t particularly like you. At least that’s honest.

Another person who was fostered from birth then into a forced adopt at age 10 shares – I was abused by my foster “carer” to adoptress who never really loved me, but I was a good tool to help them have their “miracle bio-children”, once I was in their home. Unconditional Love is a misnomer – it’s easy & lazy to use the phrase, especially when that love is absolutely A1 Conditional. I’m sure as an adopter you now get to own a child that has another history outside of you and your family’s. It is not the same way that my mother was simply and will always be my mother – she was the only one who ever showed me unconditional love – not selfless love, but love without any strings… until she was not permitted to ever see me again or speak with me again. Those were the conditions that a Closed Adoption and a selfish, self-centered adopter and adoption agency made sure would stick for the rest of my life.

Another adoptee noted – Acknowledging their role in my trauma would have been nice.

Lastly from another adoptee – Unconditional love doesn’t exist. Everyone must meet certain conditions for it. But in your case, I think “unconditional” is being directed at you. Because their love for you was conditioned on you not knowing about being adopted. And now that you do know, you’re supposed to act like it never happened ? Definitely appalling disrespect toward you and a betrayal. In general, I find it to be a silencing and manipulation tactic and the opposite of them doing the work of connecting to us, where we are. I never wanted reassurance I was loved. I wanted it shown and it never was.

Baby Name Mourning

I saw an interesting article this morning in The Huffington Post about LINK>Baby Name Mourning. It is not an unfamiliar issue with adoptees that the name their genetic biological parents wanted for them before they were born was rejected by the adoptive parents due to a preference for the name they wanted to give to their adopted child.

From the article – Deema Soufan, a psychotherapist who specializes in perinatal mental health, notes that “As we move through life, we discover meaning in experiences that have been important to us . . . Essentially what can end up happening is we can focus on this idea in our head of what we thought something would look like, what we thought something would represent. And if that idea is shattered or ruptures, a lot of grief can follow suit.”

Expectations and dreams, especially long-held ones, trend to bring up big feelings. The article notes that there are a variety of reasons why people can’t use a particular name that they love. Maybe they are unable to have a child or choose not to do so. The pregnant person may feel ‘silly’ for sharing that they are grieving that their journey to parenthood has become challenging. It can feel like a massive loss of control as well.

She notes a variety of reasons for sadness – “The grief of not listening to your internal guidance, the grief of not advocating for your needs and desires, the grief of people-pleasing, and the grief of ultimately not using the name you love can send parents into a spiral of deep, dark name regret.”

“The advice that I have for anyone who is coping with baby [name] mourning is to approach your stance with curiosity and without judgment,” Soufan said. “I implore you to dig deep and explore what is at the root of this distress for you. Normalize your grief and accept it! Two things can exist at once.” You can feel like you are “completely out of control, especially when one of the first parenting decisions that you get to make feels like it was taken away from you.” She recommended sitting with your thoughts and examining what is reality. “The more that we can develop compassion and curiosity for our feelings, the more that we can accept and move through them.” And this would be common among mothers who surrender their child to adoption.

“We imagine ourselves parenting and nurturing this little spirit, helping them navigate life’s inevitable twists and turns. When we rub up against the reality . . . it only feels right to grieve the loss of these people that we’ll never get to know in the flesh,“ Taylor Humphrey, the baby name consultant who coined the term: baby name mourning.

Another Kind Of CPS

I have mentioned CPS (Child Protective Services) frequently in this blog. They are part of the government that removes children from what are deemed unsafe environments. I have documented frequently that their actions are not always as sterling as most citizens might believe.

Today, it was suggested that I take a look at LINK>Dr Ross Greene who is a clinical psychologist. He has been working with children and families for over 30 years. His influential work is widely known throughout the world.

In the perspectives of Dr Greene, CPS stands for LINK>Collaborative & Proactive Solutions. Many adoptive parents find themselves dealing with a traumatized adoptee who exhibits challenging behaviors. This is probably one of the main reasons that hopeful adoptive parents prefer to adopt an infant who may present less already baked in behaviors.

Dr Greene choses not to emphasize the kids’ challenging behaviors – whether it’s whining, pouting, sulking, withdrawing, crying, screaming, swearing, hitting, spitting, biting, or worse. He prefers to look at how they’re expressing the fact that there are expectations they’re having difficulty meeting. In the CPS model, those unmet expectations are referred to as unsolved problems. The goal is to solve those problems, rather than trying to modify the child’s behavior by using rewards and punishments.

The goal in CPS is to foster a problem-solving, collaborative partnership between adults and kids by engaging kids in solving the problems that affect their lives. The CPS model is non-punitive and non-adversarial. This decreases the likelihood of conflict, enhances relationships and improves communication within the family.

The skills developed include empathy, appreciating how one’s behavior is affecting others, resolving disagreements in ways that do not involve conflict, taking another’s perspective, and honesty. His book LINK>Raising Human Beings details how to create a collaborative partnership with your child.

Cobbled Together

True, the one is very dangerous and does not apply to all cobbled together parent/child relationships, which is what adoption does. However, there are frequently cases of abuse that make it into the news and the natural parent usually has love that stays their worst potentials, whereas an adoptive parent would not have an equal bond. And, I do know a thing or two about severed origins. All of mine were severed – all 4 grandparents lost to me – I only rediscovered who they were and something about their families and histories, after I was well over 60 years old and they were long deceased.

One adoptive parent commented in my all things adoption group – When I saw this I really didn’t look at it from the perspective of being zapped, it was more like natural fit verses cobbling something together, yet the world pretends that they are equal. One is designed to fit and the other is like “let’s see how we can make this work” but it should be abundantly obvious that they aren’t the same. (blogger’s note – thanks to her, I had a title for today’s blog.)

One adoptee notes – there is no “bond,” only attachment. A bond exits more through deep secure connection and unconditional love, attachment is developed through trauma and having expectations and conditions. As an adoptee, it took DECADES to understand the difference.

There can be trauma bonds. Emotional bonds with an individual from a cyclical pattern of abuse, perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments. The concept was developed by psychologists Donald Dutton and Susan Painter.

Googling “Adoption Severs Origins”, I arrived at a site – LINK>The Ex-Puritan and saw this – Imagine learning the word “adoption” at the same time you learn words like “mother,” “father,” “home,” ”birth,” or “safe.” (blogger’s note – How confusing, I think.) It continues, other words you learn are “abandoned,” “given up,” “loved,” “wanted,” and “adopted.” You learn that the one who gave birth to you is a parent, that you have a mother but she gave you up. You learn that the people looking after you are also your parents, a mother and father, who took you and kept you. You are not related to them, but you are. They could not have babies of their own, so they adopted you. You are told your biological mother wanted to keep you, but couldn’t because she was too young. You are told that she loved you, and that you are wanted, yet you know you were still given up. You must reconcile the fact that you have no power to choose for yourself, that these people you find yourself with are your parents, and that you may never fully know who or where you came from. You don’t remember a time where you weren’t told any of this.

More at the link above, if you are interested in reading further into that story.

God Didn’t Do This

This is normal, this happens….birth mothers do change their mind, there’s always that chance. Adoption reformers want more expectant mothers to give raising their baby themselves a chance, rather than succumbing to adoption industry coercion, manipulation and narratives.

Still, there is another side to such stories and so here is the point of view from the disappointment suffered by a prospective adoptive parents –

I would love to tell you that we have spent the last few days soaking in the joy of being new parents, but our birth mom changed her mind at discharge and they took our little girl. Instead of coming home to her room, she went home to an empty RV with only the outfit she was wearing. No crib, no clothes, no books, no bassinet, no nothing, her “home” is as empty as our hearts.

There is no greater pain than losing a child and while we’re so thankful that she’s okay; we have lost her and we’re not okay. The pain in our hearts hurts so deep that our bodies physically ache. We can’t eat or drink because it does not go past the lump in our throats. I have hundreds of messages asking about her and sending love and congratulations but I can’t even look at them. I don’t want to go in public, I don’t want to have to explain this, I don’t want to hear people say they are sorry.

We spent 5 months remodeling our house and getting her room ready, but now our house no longer feels like home. Carrying that empty carseat out of the hospital and into our house were the hardest steps I’ve ever taken in my life. I keep praying the birth mom will change her mind but I’m also truly struggling with my faith. How can God do this to us? What have I possibly done to deserve such heartache?

I’ve found my husband on the floor in her room reading her books and just sobbing. My son held me so close crying on my shoulder and said “mom you’re too kind for this world and it’s a blessing and curse, but please don’t let this change you. The world needs more people like you to be a light in the dark.” I quite literally melted to the floor, but how do you not let this change you??!?! I’m cold, I’m numb, I’m broken, I’m angry, I’m crushed, and I don’t even know how to start picking up the pieces and moving forward.

We need time, and I don’t know how long it will take or if I’ll ever find a way to get back to being me. I’m not going to be responding to anything gym, rescue, or school board related. Please don’t reach out for help right now because I can’t even help myself. Please pray for our hearts, please pray for the baby and her mother (we don’t even know what her name is because we asked her not to use our name.)

Please respect that we need time and space. I’m not going to be on social media and to be perfectly honest – I only picked up my phone just now to make this post, so people stop asking about her. I don’t know how she is, I don’t know where she is, and ever since our world came crumbling down around us, I don’t even know who I am. So please, just don’t ask.

Blogger’s Note – Welcome To The Empty Car Seat Club. The truth is, it is a privilege to bring a baby home from the hospital. When that baby is not actually yours, if you do bring the infant home, you are causing trauma for both – that baby and their biological genetic mother. I’m not surprised that the aftermath of such an unexpected change in plans is full of sadness, grief, an unfathomable feeling of loss, and a different life than was planned that must now be adjusted to. I wish the reality were easier to bear but the outcome was for the best. There is lots of time for that mom to surrender her baby but it becomes much less likely once she has the opportunity to bond with her infant.

That Was Scary

When my sons were still very young, I used to worry that some well-meaning person could cause us to lose our sons to Child Protective Services. Thankfully, we never even came close. Today’s story came much closer.

A couple weeks ago my almost 4 year old got out the door while me and my boyfriend were asleep. My brother (who is an adult) was here to watch him, so me and my boyfriend could sleep for work because we start work at 6pm and work 12 hour shifts. Unfortunately my brother fell asleep while my son was taking a nap. The police came obviously and they woke me up, made me come outside and have a discussion with them. They were berating me and basically shaming me as a mother for my son getting out – even though I was under the impression that another capable adult was watching my son. Well low and behold, I got a call from Wisconsin DHS (Dept of Human Services) they want to meet with me on Wednesday morning to talk to me about what happened. My house is clean, we have plenty of food, and a nice house. Running water, and even central air. Plenty of toys and all our children have there own beds to sleep in. How should I approach this? A lawyer is NOT an option as were on a very tight budget as is and I get no help from my children’s father financially.

Thankfully, an update from the mom – for everyone curious. I met with the worker today (Wed June 7th). She came. Looked around. Asked questions about what happened and then said it’s gonna be an open and shut case since she’s not at all concerned about the children. We had already put in a chain lock, so my son cannot get out again. That was her biggest concern.

To which another mom noted – my son loved to take himself out early in the morning and managed to pull the chain out of the wall once. We used a knob cover on his bedroom door and our front door which did stop him. Just in case he figures out the chain or breaks it.

I did not know about these. Here’s a YouTube that explains how they function (I’m certain there are other brands, this is just one I found).

Risk It

Reading an article this morning about vulnerability, in a magazine (Science of Mind) that serves as the source of some of my own spiritual inspiration, I went looking on the internet and found two articles related to adoptee reunions (that is an adoptee making the effort to find their family of origin). Though not an adoptee myself (both of my own parents were), I have made that journey myself. The article starts with this quote from Brene Brown on vulnerability – being “a state of emotional exposure that comes with a certain degree of uncertainty. It involves a person’s willingness to accept the emotional risk that comes from being open and willing to love and be loved.”

When one embarks on a roots journey, we cannot be certain what we will uncover. Even though we may feel uncertainty and fear, we are seeking a fuller expression of who we are and who those we came from are. It is taking a chance that it could all end in rejection. Rejection is something that many adoptees struggle with anyway because the reality is, for reasons that are unknown at the beginning of this journey, we were rejected to some degree and for reasons we don’t know the reality of. Even so, we must face our difficult emotions by being honest with our self about what we expect and even putting some boundaries around what we are willing to experience when we make contact.

In my own research today, I found articles from two very different perspectives. One is LINK>10 Things To Know About Adoption Search & Reunion from the adoption agency known as Gladney (named for it’s founder) Center for Adoption, a licensed adoption agency, at their website is called Adoption.org. What I found humorous about this is not any of the information there but that there were only 9 things listed and not 10. What they do get correct is that society is now in a transition out of an era in which closed adoptions and sealed adoption records were the norm. That transition is as it should be and all for the better.

I trust the other one more – LINK>What Does Work in the Adoption Reunion? by Claudia Corrigan DArcy at Adoption Birth Mothers.com. She is honest enough to admit – Truthfully? I have no idea. What works for one reunion might not work for another. The measure of what makes an adoption reunion successful really does depend on the parties involved and how they measure that success. Are they both satisfied with the measure of contact? Are they both getting what they need out of the relationship? Are the interactions relatively “healthy” aka not destructive to the other party? Again, so many variables, so many different personalities, so many different experiences, differences in timing, in support. Her article lists 14 Relationship Tools (you will need) to Bring to An Adoption Reunion (and there are actually 14 listed !!). She suggests meeting in the middle as each party is coming from different ends of any adoption. She suggests that you try to understand where they (your birth relatives) are coming from, it can help understand their actions, motivations, and their intent – even if it gets jumbled up in the emotional overload.

If you are only at the beginning phases of your own roots journey, it is probably worth your time to read both and consider what they offer. My own effort ended up surprisingly successful. Do I have all I could have wished for, from the genetic relatives I have discovered ? Honestly no. There is a chasm of time that can’t be fully bridged. My grandparents, who would have known most accurately, are all dead. Neither I nor the relatives I have connected with can make up for decades of life lived without knowing the other one existed. Am I glad to no longer be totally in the dark (as I was for over 60 years) about my family’s origins ? Absolutely. What I have now – a sense of my cultural and genetic foundations – is worth everything it ever could have possibly been worth – in my own heart of hearts.

LOL, I see there is a typo in the header but it is easy enough to fill in the intended “n”.

Forbidden Love

Art by Aaron Aldrich

Shane Bouel wrote a piece for Medium with different artwork – you can go to the LINK>Forbidden Love to read the whole thing and see his art. I know the point he is making is true. It not only applies to the original genetic parents and the obstacles adoptive parents might place in the way of adoptees making contact but in my own family’s experience, can also apply to an adoptee who falls in love and wants to marry someone who the adoptive mother disapproves of.

Shane writes that he asked Chat GPT to name the love that others who love you won’t allow you to have. Forbidden love is a term used to describe the love that is craved by your heart but disallowed by those who claim to love you. It encompasses the affection that is deemed unacceptable or disapproved of by society, family, or even by the very people who are supposed to support you. It could be hindered by various factors such as age, social status, religion, or cultural dissimilarities, making it a complex and nuanced experience. The unrelenting yearning to pursue this love can be excruciatingly painful and often difficult to overcome, as the heart’s desire stubbornly persists. When faced with this conundrum, it is imperative to weigh the possible benefits of pursuing the love against the potential repercussions that could befall.

I agree with him when he (or was it ChatGPT ?) writes – “No parent, adoptive or otherwise, has the right to dictate who their child loves. Love is a personal emotion that should not be regulated by external forces.” He goes on to note – “If an adoptee finds themselves smitten with someone, it is critical for their adoptive parents to display open-mindedness and support. Should the adoptee be an adult, they have the autonomy to make their own choices regarding their relationships.” In the case of the relative I am aware of, they did just that. It was sad to see the wedding marred by the dissension.

If adoptive parents are disregarding their adoptee’s feelings and experiences in favour of their own beliefs and desires, this could potentially be a sign of narcissistic behavior. (Nevertheless, it is important to keep in mind that making a diagnosis of narcissism necessitates a professional evaluation by a qualified mental health expert.) Regardless of whether the behavior is labelled as narcissistic or not, dictating and dominating who someone can love is not a healthy or appropriate way to conduct a relationship and can have detrimental effects on the adoptee’s emotional well-being. It is imperative for adoptive parents to not only listen to but also respect their adoptee’s feelings and experiences and support them in making their own decisions regarding relationships.

From an esoteric perspective based on karma, the idea of in the “best interest” of the child, it is generally accepted concept that adoption aims to offer a safe and stable home environment to a child who may not have access to one otherwise. I will admit that in the case of my relative, it is likely true that my sister could not offer him a “safe” home environment but we’ll never know, will we ? It was her decision from the beginning to surrender her child for adoption. I was closely involved with her during the months of her pregnancy. Now, that I also know the rest of the story, I understand why she made that decision (it was a combination of both of our parents having been adopted as babies as well as the inconvenient truth – for her – of who his father actually was).

Shane notes – “If the adoptee’s life path towards finding true love and transcendence doesn’t align with the adoptive parent’s expectations, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the adoption was unsuccessful or of little value.” I would have to agree in the case of my relative’s adoption. It is still sad that it all broke down at the time of his wedding. I agree with Shane on this point – adoptees deserve to be supported and nurtured in their pursuit of true love and fulfilment,

He says that adoptees may be lied to or misled about their biological family. This was certainly the case for my relative. I will give his adoptive mother credit for this much – she went above and beyond – to discover for him who his actual father was. I will always be grateful to that woman for that much.

He ends with this disclaimer about using ChatGPT for this piece – “The psychosocial damage caused by AI responses from a socially systemic viewpoint can be quite significant. When we interact with AI systems, we expect them to behave in a way that is human-like, or at least, rational and objective. However, AI systems are not human and do not have the same level of emotional intelligence or cultural context that humans possess.” Furthermore, “When AI systems are designed using biased or incomplete data, just like society, there is likely to be continued perpetuating biases and inequalities in their responses. This can further marginalize and discriminate against already vulnerable groups, including adoptees.” He adds – “I believe that an AI system that is trained by adoptees could provide valuable insights and support for adoptees and their families and society.”

He indicates – “I am seeking funding or support for the development and implementation of this system, including research, programming, and outreach efforts. I believe that this project has the potential to make a meaningful impact on the lives of adoptees and their families. If this sounds like you, or you can help please get in touch.”

I’m Not Your Daughter

Expectations. When couples adopt, they have certain expectations of the child. They expect the child to be something that maybe the child is not. It is way too common. Today I read – “Anyone just want to look at their adoptive mom as scream I love you but I’m not your daughter!!” This really touched a nerve as it brought over 100 comments. I’ll share only a few.

The very first comment came from an adoptive mother (no surprise). I would ask myself whether she did any of the things mentioned below… If so, she’s taken on the role of mother and you’ve taken on the role of her daughter.

1. bring up (a child) with care and affection.

2. look after (someone) kindly and protectively, sometimes excessively so.

You mentioned above that you love her and I’m sure you also appreciate her. But what does her not being your birth/first mother have to do with the situation? Is she trying to help you in a difficult situation and you don’t want her help? Is she being nosey into an area that you prefer she stay out of??? I’d say that’s how most moms are. And it’s because they care.

Another adoptive mother responded to the above – I’m horrified that you would invalidate this adoptee’s feelings. It is not her job to make her adoptive mother feel like a mother.

And yet another adoptive mother said – Your comment was tone-deaf and demeaning. It’s unsurprising yet somehow still bizarre that you would try to introduce the perspective of an adoptive parent over the voice of an actual adoptee. It feels like projection and it’s so yuck.

Finally, an adoptee responds – your comment just made me feel gross and burdened just like everyone else does. It’s always about how it’s my job to be gentle on my adoptive mom and all adoptive mother’s feelings. It’s my job to make her feel better about not being my mother. All at the expense of my own feelings. You basically said Oh hush now you mean ol’ adoptee…don’t ever hurt your adoptive mother, she is fearful and she just loves you and cares about losing you. That is why you should never say how you feel as an adoptee. The cardinal rule in my life as an adoptee has been that my (or any) adoptive mothers feelings matter more than mine. Adoptive mothers are the victims and it’s my job to worship them and never ever hurt their feelings by saying being adopted hurts. I feel this damaging belief is what keeps adoptees in the fog and from getting the support they need.

Another adoptee shares her experience – My adoptive dad acted like I was committing a crime against my adoptive mom when I found and initiated a relationship with my birth mother. I was over 30 years old. They’d never offered to help me find or contact her. I did it myself and he spoke to me as if I were a naughty child disregarding her feelings.

From the original commenter – this is not just “I’m upset with her”. I also don’t need advice on what to do. She is NOT my. Mother period. I didn’t choose to be adopted. I will not be gentle. I’m tired of having to cater to others over something I had no choice in. I will not be quiet.

This morning I was reminded of this song by Karen Drucker which I have always loved.

They Need To Be Children First

We have an unusual situation in that we all sleep in one big room on two king size platform type beds. I used to make our little futon bed every morning until my oldest son was born but then after he got old enough, he would mess it up shortly thereafter and I just stopped. We are pretty lax about such things here. If I can not tolerate whatever, I do something about it. If anyone else can’t tolerate something about it, if they are so motivated, they are welcome to do something about it. Live and let live.

I liked this advice from one woman in my all things adoption group in response to some issues that a woman posted about with a 16 year old foster girl added to their home recently. They are trying to have some expectations for doing a few chores and regarding cell phone usage. The respondent described herself as being kinship/having custody. She added, I also work in, what was it you said ? “the alternative to a foster home”!! I work in a group home! You know what we don’t do in the group home that it seems every single foster parent does with these kids?? We don’t compare them to one another and we don’t treat them like property!! This girl is 16 years old!! She doesn’t need a freaking chore list or to have her phone taken because she won’t make her bed!! We have kids in the home who are more than capable of doing chores!!! I still make their beds and pick up after them, because when it comes down to it they need to be children first.

My own attitude comes from being in my late 60s, I suppose. My sons have decades to be responsible adults. Their childhoods are so very brief. I delight as I see them self-choosing to take mature responsibility. I’ve no worries about them when we are gone from their lives someday – either by passing away or their own decision to strike out on their own. The kids will be all right.