Intrusive Questions

Long ago, in my early twenties, I learned not to ask intrusive questions. My operative mode is if someone wants me to know “whatever”, they will tell me. It does keep me out of awkward situations but not everyone has the same standards. Therefore, I can relate to today’s story. We have been honest about our sons’ conception – especially with them. In my mom’s group, some were “don’t tell”. I do wonder with inexpensive DNA testing and matching services, how that is working out for them. None of my business really but I have been on the receiving end of intrusive questions of all kinds over the years.

Here is the woman’s story – My 4 month old was conceived using a known-donor embryo. We often get asked (as many parents do) “who does she look like” or some variation (e.g. oh she has dark hair like mum or where do her beautiful brown eyes come from?). I feel torn on how to respond, our family and friends know about our baby’s conception and often we have conversations about how much our baby resembles one of her genetic siblings and parents. When unknown people or acquaintances make comments I usually just say thank you or agree, e.g. “she has your dark hair”, I’ll just smile and say yes but when they ask questions, I’m never sure how to respond. Would you feel it is most appropriate to just “lie” e.g. “where do her lovely brown eyes come from?” So, I respond “her uncle has brown eyes” or should I just tell the truth ?- “her genetic parents have brown eyes”. That would probably just prompt questions regarding her conception that I don’t feel it is appropriate to discuss in the elevator or with the sales assistant at a store.

One suggestion that I agree with is – a generic type answer or deflecting answer. Another option is simply not answering. I liked this one – I have heard some say “genetics are wild aren’t they?” Blogger’s response was – We stayed with age-appropriate answers but were always honest with our egg donor conceived sons. I have been on the receiving end of some intrusive questions. It all depends on who and the circumstances but mostly it is instinct. Not everything that someone wants to know are they entitled to know. This is how I probably responded most of the time – keeping it real and vague.

Someone noted – it’s just a cultural habit to ask these questions, people are trying to be friendly, not nosy. Blogger’s note – And I do think a lot of it is that. Very often, people will note the oldest boy looks like his father and the younger one looks like me – which I always find very funny because I know the truth. People see what they want to see and it is usually well meaning.

I do agree with this perspective – that being defensive around relatively standard small talk could make our kids uncomfortable about the topic. Of course, that is the last thing any of us who are part of this brave new world want. There are so many neutral, friendly phrases you can keep in your back pocket that aren’t lies but also aren’t too much information either. A relaxed, friendly, low-information response will convey to your child that you aren’t uncomfortable with your family’s truth, while also modeling healthy boundaries and being a good neighbor to the well-meaning strangers we interact with every day. This is the bottom line truth – you don’t need to explain every detail of your life to random strangers making small talk.

Bravelove

I had not heard of this site before today. Bravelove is a Pro-Adoption Movement. They say that their mission is – “We understand that adoption is not for everyone. Ideally, no one wants to separate mother from child. So often the brave act of placing a baby for adoption is viewed in a negative light, when in reality it is a selfless, difficult, and loving act a birth mother can make for her child. We aim to invite and empower women to consider adoption when faced with an unplanned pregnancy.”

It is precisely the kind of narrative I find disturbing but it exists and has existed since the beginning of commercial adoptions. I learned about it today via Stephanie’s story. In my all things adoption group I read – “Stephanie” says “That’s what is so beautiful about open adoption. He doesn’t have to wonder, he doesn’t have to guess. He can just ask. He can ask us why. He can see us and say ‘okay that could have been my life, why is it not my life? And we can explain.'”

Or try to explain because it won’t be easy. Her explanation will be “we only have this life because we chose adoption”

A woman in my all things adoption group said – I mean, really? That’s your explanation? It doesn’t matter how wonderful your life is after relinquishment, letting your relinquished child know that you wouldn’t have the life you have now, if they hadn’t been relinquished . . . The woman said – it doesn’t sit right with me.

As I have seen in my own family – adoptions lead to more adoptions. Stephanie was adopted. My parents were adopted. My two sisters both gave up babies for adoption.

Guilty For Being Honest

I had to google the meaning when I came across this today. It is easy enough to find so I won’t repeat it.

The adoptee story today is about a transracial adoptee who has the unique physical characteristic of having blue eyes which is unexpected given her nationality. Her adoptive mother also has blue eyes and this causes some understandable misconceptions but she will always offer the explanation if it seems relevant.

It is amazing how often people see into other people what they want to see. My sons do not have my DNA and they know the whole story about how and why they don’t. We’ve often had strangers remark that one of my sons favors my husband and the other favors me but the truth is that they genuinely can and do favor their dad in some way or other but neither is a carbon copy of him. The funniest one I get when I am with my sons is about being their grandmother. Since I am ALSO a grandmother, that is what I answer, while correcting the misconception, saying that I AM their mother. I carried them in my womb, I nursed them at my breast and I have been here for them 24/7 all of their lives (they are now 18 and 21).

So this adoptee’s very young cousin said he wished he had his mom’s eye color like this adoptee got her adoptive mother’s eye color. She told him honestly that the woman who gave birth to her didn’t have that color of eyes either. That it was just a coincidence. Her cousin asked further questions and she answered honestly. That she had come from a different country and that is why she looks different from him and from her adoptive family. She explained that their DNA was different. He was young enough that after her explanation, he just went back to playing with his Legos because he was satisfied.

Later, her aunt (this cousin’s mother) expressed her disapproval to the adoptee. She said that the adoptee didn’t have to tell the boy that she was not her mother’s “real” daughter. The adoptee affirmed that she didn’t say it that way. The aunt was unhappy that the adoptee would admit to other people that her unusual eye color (blue) didn’t come from her adoptive mother. That separating herself that way from the rest of the family was hurtful to all of them.

This story reminds me of the Toni Morrison novel – The Bluest Eye – that I read (it is a very sad and disturbing story). This adoptee says that her adoptive father used to sing Elton John’s song Blue Eyes to her. The adoptee said AITA for saying I’m adopted ? I didn’t know this song until today.