When It Is Too Little Too Late

An adoptee wrote – For the first time today, at the age of 34, I was able to connect with my first biological relative. Unfortunately, she shared with me that my biological mother passed away a few years ago… To say I am devastated is an understatement. I don’t even know how to feel, I am grieving so many things that I can’t even put my finger one. I will never be able to talk to her. I will never get to ask her why she made the decisions she did… I am sad for reason I can’t even understand.

Blogger’s note – In the 1990s, my adoptee mother appealed to the state of Tennessee to release her adoption file to her. She was denied and still fought back but to no effect. All the state did tell her was that her mother had died some time ago and that the status of her father (who was much older than her mother) was unknown. They told her that he had two daughters who were “not” related to her ? though they had the same father. It’s a pity because the youngest sister was still alive until 2017 and had always hoped my mom (who she knew about) would turn up, so they could chat. My mom felt much the same as the woman who’s story I share today.

Another adoptee noted – Adoption means loss, loss, and more loss. It’s completely understandable (at least to those of us who were adopted) why you are grieving. You won’t be able to meet your mother this side of heaven. There is nothing much worse than that.

Yet another confirms – Your feelings are totally valid. I had met my biological mom once before she passed but we never had any real conversation or connection and her loss hit me hard because I knew that opportunity was gone.

An adoptee notes – That is so sad. I am so sorry. Everyone wants to know “their story” …. how they came to be and why they were adopted.

Another note from your blogger – I do have my mom’s adoption file now and it is heartbreaking because she would have learned so much, if it had been given to her when she asked for it. Her mother was a victim of Georgia Tann and was exploited in the midst of a 1930s devastating flood on the Mississippi River and so, as she was separated from her husband, who she was legally married to. He was in Arkansas helping with the flood efforts through his employment with the WPA, when my grandmother arrived in Memphis with my infant mom. My grandmother fought to keep my mom but Tann was too well connected to stop it.

The Forgiveness Is Your Work

In my all things adoption group there are many mothers who lost their child to adoption who find it difficult to accept the forgiveness that only they can give themselves. Today, I read one such other write – Does anyone else (a birth mother like me) go through a lot of self hatred and can’t forgive one’s self for our decisions. I struggle to forgive myself and accept the reality of what I did. I need my surrendered child to tell me she forgives being given up for adoption.

I’ve had a lot of that hating myself since my daughter was adopted at 4 days old (due to domestic violence). Yes, I was unstable and I beat myself up over choosing to be with her biological dad. Yeah, I will admit that I’m an idiot.

She’s now 11 and still, I struggle to forgive myself. I think the only way I can get over the pain would be if she tells me clearly that she forgives me. The feelings are so strong. I’ve been outta the fog (of believing the fairytale lies about adoption) for almost 2 years but I wish I was still fogged, because it hurts so much. My regrets are strong and painful.

Another similar mother says – I’m sorry for your pain, mama. I know guilt is one of the hardest thing to work through, especially coupled with this pain, loss and regret. My reasons for placing were different than yours but I struggle tremendously with regret and guilt. I understand the longing to hear your child forgive you. It’s our job to find our own path to healing as birth mothers. We cannot look to our children to fill the empty holes or provide a pardon for our choices. And if you do get an opportunity to explain your choices to your child, it will not be helpful to them for you to defend your choice or have an expectation of understanding. The best thing we can do for our children from today forward is to get therapy or do the work we need to do in order to be our healthiest selves so that when we do have a relationship with them, we can take ownership of our choices and focus on being there FOR them.

Yet another – It’s not for my child to absolve me of my guilt. It’s mine to work through. I spent nearly 40 years in the fog (only came out a few years ago) and the onus is on me to take ownership of the harm I caused – however inadvertent or unplanned. I’m doing the work of healing for myself and in the hope that some day we meet again and I can be a part of their life in whatever form that is good for them. My child is the only one in this mess that had no decision in what happened and they have paid the highest cost. They shouldn’t have to pay more. And to answer your original question – yes, I have hated myself for making the decision I did. But hatred doesn’t heal.

And another – I came out of the fog after a couple of months post-placement. And it all went downhill from there. Almost lost contact with the adoptive parents. Now, I know there’s no way in hell I can be mad at myself. They did that to you. Took advantage of you in your time of need. A small crisis, if you will. They did it on PURPOSE. And if it wasn’t gonna be you, it would be someone else ! That “we chose you” adoption crap is just a narrative! Because they would’ve chosen anyone! Take that anger and turn it into good. Speak out on adoption. Speak out on family preservation. And keep doing it!

And this simple admission – It took me decades to forgive my 16 year old self.

Blogger’s note – There are 4 mothers in my own family line who lost their child to adoption. I have a lot of empathy for them, regardless of the circumstances.

Society’s Unseen Realities

For some time now, I’ve been slowly reading through The Tao of Physics by Fritjof Capra. I’ve always been fascinated by the science of physics, even though I may not totally understand a lot of it. I’ve almost finished Capra’s book and the big thing I took away from it is how interconnected EVERYTHING is.

So it was that I was attracted to a Medium piece – LINK>Exploring Quantum Connections in Adoption by Shane Bouel. You may or may not be able to read it. I will excerpt some parts in case.

Shane notes – “The state of one entangled particle instantly influences the other, similar to how the separation of a mother and child through adoption can have far-reaching emotional consequences.” The separation of a mother from her child leads to complex emotions and psychological challenges for both of them. Adoptees may experience conflicting emotions as they navigate their relationships with both their birth mother and adoptive family. Birth mothers, too, may grapple with complex emotions related to the decision or lack of, to place their child for adoption. He says that “Ultimately, the goal is to create a more empathetic and compassionate environment for adoptees and their birth families.” His goal is my goal in publishing this blog as well.

An intricate web of relationships connect individuals to their environment. Quantum mechanics finds that particles are interconnected and influence each other’s states – regardless of distance. The concept of attachment has a parallel in the idea of entanglement. Particles are intrinsically linked. Adoptees navigate the uncharted territory of identity and belonging. The separation experienced by adopted individuals parallels the entangled state of particles. The emotional journey of adoptees . . . is intertwined with societal perceptions, recognition, and acknowledgment.

Dr Sue Morter delivered the message at Agape last Sunday and photons were very much a part of how she described energy acting. Shane writes – “Quantum mechanics, traditionally applied to the microscopic realm, is gradually revealing its influence on macroscopic effects, including DNA interactions and biophoton communication within the body. This bridge between the quantum and the macroscopic echoes the connection between the unseen emotional trauma of adoption and its far-reaching implications on adoptees’ lives.” And in fact, in Capra’s book, he describes the understandings being applied on a large scale to the whole cosmos.

Shane emphasizes – “The historical instances of forced adoption and exploitation highlight the need for societal acknowledgment and reconciliation.” In conclusion, he says “. . . the emotional threads of adoption connect lives in ways we may not fully perceive.”

Shane’s writing seeks to lift standards of ethics and morality related to adoption by sharing the truth he perceives and has experienced.

Treatment Resistant – Really ?

An adoptee writes – It amazes me how ignorant most people are about how to speak kindly to an adopted person who is advocating for adoptee rights and adoption reform activists.

That’s because everyone doesn’t see the gaping wound inside us. If they could see it, they’d fall to their knees telling us how sorry they are for our loss and apologize for insisting we feel, think, and talk only the way the adoption industry’s propaganda would like us to. Along with having numerous mental health diagnosis and labels (and they were all a lie because ”they” made the wound about behavior) and then made an incorrect diagnosis and even that incorrectly and so, treated us for the wrong thing. Yeah, that is what happens.

We got labeled “treatment resistant”, like somehow this twisted up lie we had to buy into, with everything bottled up within us, was more important than our own feelings and thoughts about our very own life experiences. Like having very normal feelings related to a very abnormal situation made us bad, or sick, or troubled children and

Why?

Because, up until adult adopted people found their voice and started using it, to educate, and get laws changed, even the mental health professionals didn’t recognize the trauma of relinquishment. The focus was always on how the child was not adjusting and the treatment consisted mostly of behavior modification. In other words, we were being groomed to be compliant adoptees.

Some of us were just too stubborn. There was no way my adoptive mom was getting the space in my heart I’d given to my first mother or the smaller space reserved for my foster parents and brother. I loved her and all but I was determined to hold onto my lived experience.

In fairy tales and children’s stories – there was a pea, and the flying monkeys were never bad, just exploited by power, and the truth really is – movies about orphans are propaganda for the adoption industry. It’s time we stop expecting children to play house. We need to start caring for and loving them through the losses they have experienced, before they landed with you, their adoptive parents. It’s time we allow a child in need of care by strangers, to continue to keep their own factual birth certificate and for courts to issue permanent guardianship papers, instead of a fictitious birth certificate. Every attempt must be made to keep the child with the family they were born into, until that effort has been completely and truthfully exhausted. Expediency is not an excuse for running roughshod over families.

So much of an adoptee’s time is spent going round and round, trying to make sense of this huge lie they are being forced to live. Many simply have not yet recognized how to blame anyone else, which is ok to do during the sorting out phase, just don’t forget to go back and clean up your campsite, once you’ve gained some clarity.

They Just Won’t Stop

Today’s story describes what some expectant mothers go through after they decide to keep and parent their baby –

What can I do to make the guilt of keeping my baby go away? I’m not in a position to keep her really but I am going to anyways. The hopeful adoptive parents have called me selfish, and have made it clear they’ll do whatever they have to do to get my baby away from me.

I’ve already dealt with a wellness check as well as Div of Children and Families/Child Protective Services/Dept of Social Services workers coming to my home after a call to them from the hopeful adoptive parents. In the report, they said they’re worried about my unborn baby’s well being and that they know she isn’t safe with me.

I’ve sent letters formally withdrawing all consent for medical releases and stating I’m choosing to parent.

But they wont stop. They have gotten me so low, I feel like I’m ruining my baby’s life. I’m close to just saying “fine, take her”, only to make them stop. It’s overwhelming. They never stop, it’s emails, calls, voicemails, texts – all stating that I need to rethink what I’m doing.

They said they’re willing to do an open adoption, but I know they’re only saying what I want to hear. blogger’s note – the reality is that most “open adoptions” eventually fail to honor the agreements that adoptive parents will make simply to coerce the mother to let them have her baby.

This is too much.

Doing Great Harm Unintentionally

A question was asked in my all things adoption group – why when foster and adoptive parents are asked a question and answer it honestly, are they bashed or told they are doing wrong ?

One, a former licensed state foster caregiver who placed her home on hold until she could learn or prepare how to best serve kids and families in crisis, answered – MAYBE because of a rational perceived injustice, based on or due to a reasonable fear. Being complicit in systemic inequities and the oppression of marginalized people. For exercising an INTENTIONAL choice to volunteer one’s privilege to care for families in crisis. Doing so generously with genuine reciprocity and care, being greater than the conditions of extraction and exploitation, is rare. Such preparation includes learning from survivors and the victims who have been the most impacted. A tolerance of ignorance is tremendously difficult for one who knows the realities. The “unintended” harm is inexcusable. Implementing a GROWTH MINDSET is taught in training for FOSTER CAREGIVING – PARTNERSHIP PARENTING. It is a critical cornerstone of any hope of doing good. Hostility is expressed by survivors after having experienced injustice. It is VALID and to be EXPECTED by their OPPRESSORS or those PERCEIVED as representatives of that OPPRESSION. Harm, neglect, emotional neglect through gaslighting and abusive tactics are all too common. It is difficult to not to REACT, impossible to respond RATIONALLY, when faced with distressing questions, apparent or perceived willful ignorance, or simply in the appearance of continuing to promote that INJUSTICE.

The argument always comes up – so you believe a child should be with their parents no matter what the situation is?

One reasonable reply to that was this – there is a lot of room between being with their parents and being adopted. There are some parents who are not safe for their children but that doesn’t have to automatically mean adoption either.

And this response – do you want us to all tell you that your adoption will be the exception to the rule? That you’ve obviously found the ethical way to do things? That your desired child is definitely going to be one of the ones who should have lost their entire family, identity, medical history? That you won’t have to worry about inherent trauma because you’ll pray hard enough and love them hard enough and that’s all you need to do? Sorry, that’s not how this works.

Then this long but rational response – I understand where you are coming from because I was there a couple years ago. This is why we need to read, listen and learn. As adoptive parents, we need to listen to the former foster care youths and adoptees. so we can do better.

We may need to seek out the support of a therapist to process our own hurts…there are therapists out there who are themselves former foster care youths and adoptees. They are more than able to support or coach you through this. Adoptive parents need to heal their own wounds, to make the space needed to acknowledge their own responsibility and the harm they have done by adopting.

We also need to bear the responsibility of supporting the adoptees in our care. That is acknowledging our own place in the trauma first. Then seeking supports to help these children process their own trauma. Finding a qualified therapist (adoption trauma informed) for the adoptee would be the ideal.

We need to be in relationship with the biological families, no matter our prejudice. These children need to be safe, yes, but also in relationship as much as possible. We need to take responsibility to build those bridges – no matter how frustrating it can be – for the benefit of the children. If we can return the children to their family, we need to attempt to do that. If the family needs support, we need to be willing to support them. We need to do everything we can to support reunion no matter the age of the child. Of course, we need to maintain their safety but that doesn’t mean a child needs to be taken away from their biological family. There are many options that don’t include adoption.

I have faced these questions in my own circumstance and recognize that in my situation there were other options I was ignorant of…I regret adopting. I was already the legal guardian but I was not informed by adoptee voices. I was listening to adoption lawyers and adoption agencies – who are only in it for the money. I made a huge mistake not being adoption informed. A mistake that if the affected parties (such as the biological family or adoptee) wanted changed, I would.

We need to acknowledge that we will fail miserably in everything we do because we care for a child who is not our own and is traumatized. If that is the reality, we have to be ok with that. We need to be ok with fighting for trauma informed support – both in the home, at school and in the greater community.

We need to stop blaming the children or the biological families for the children’s mental health issues.

If there weren’t people willing to foster or adopt, the system would operate differently. We need to see this and then, become advocates for the adoptees we care for but also against the foster and adoption systems already in place.

The old narrative of fostering and adoption needs to be torn down and it is our responsibility as adopters to lead this fight…the former foster care youths and adoptees have fought hard enough already.

I love our adoptee but love isn’t enough. I need to do more and I learn about what I need to do by listening to the voices of former foster care youths and adoptees as well as their biological families.

Farmed Out

I chose this photo because my cousin told me her mother (the half-sibling closest in age to my mom) had picked cotton to earn money for school clothes. A friend was sharing a sad story of his childhood with me. He told me that his mother had been overwhelmed and so he had been farmed out to relatives. That reminded me that my mom’s half-siblings (the children of her father’s left after their mother died) had been farmed out to relatives as well. The two boys were actually put on farms. My cousin’s mother was sent to wealthy relatives who bought things for her she never had before or after. Another sister was working and had an apartment in a nearby town, if memory serves me accurately.

I can’t help but believe when children are sent away from the family of their birth, there follows some sense of abandonment. My friend did not have a happy experience when he was in his childhood family home. Maybe it was the times. People were not quite as gentle when punishing their children as they have become in modern times. Since my friend also brought up that much later his family took in foster kids, he shared that he was able to see a broad diversity of outcomes. From a very young baby who quickly went back to its mother to a teenager. He notes that teenagers seldom find parents because people want very young children. He mentioned that he came to know many foster kids from visiting a group home and that boys and girls react differently to those circumstances. He also felt that the foster scene is not good for any of them. From what little I know – and none of it from direct experience – I would still agree.

I brought up feelings of abandonment with him and he said that he was not sure if he felt unwanted back then, more like unwelcomed. I’m not certain there is much difference.

In looking for an image, I found one that linked back to a JSTOR article – LINK>When Foster Care Meant Farm Labor. The subtitle read “Before current foster care programs were in place, Americans depended on farmers to take care of kids in exchange for hard labor.” Really, back in the day, it was normal for children to be expected to work hard for their family. Modern foster families get a small payment to offset the cost of caring for children. The article notes that has been a central part of child welfare programs for the past century.

Back in the day, authorities viewed the farm placements as a win for everyone involved. Farmers got affordable labor. Governments and philanthropic organizations were relieved of the expense of running orphanages. And children got the chance to learn valuable work skills while living in a rural setting, widely seen as the ideal place for an American upbringing. Even though the children worked hard on the farms, that was no different from what farmers expected of their own kids. But sadly as well, some farmers exploited the child laborers, beating them, denying them schooling or medical care, and sometimes overworking them for a season before sending them back to an institution.

The Simpsons had a similar episode that my family re-watched recently. It is from Season 1 Episode 11 and is titled “The Crepes of Wrath.” Maybe there is no actual point to today’s blog and maybe it is that progress continues to occur. Maybe it is just the meandering rambles of my mind this afternoon.

Beware The Scams

Safe to say, I detest scams of any kind, any where, for any reason. No surprise they also target parents desperate to get their kids back from Child Protective Services.

Today I read about LINK>Francesca Amato-Banfield. Her website claims – We specialize in convoluted cases that come to us after the courts/cps makes a mess of them! She is an author of a book Punished 4 Protecting, subtitle The Injustice System of Family Court.

It is true that many families have been adversely affected by the child welfare system that is supposed to be protecting children from serious harms. My all things adoption group indicates that “The sovereign citizen nonsense will ensure you never see your kids again.” And she is quick to indicate a sympathetic compassion – “I understand the desperation.” Sadly, it appears that all these people are doing is exploiting that desperation and scamming already hurting people out of money. There is no group or organization that has some magic ability to instantly get your children back, if you just pay them to join. If it’s too good to be true, it is not true. The ONLY way to reunification is through the courts, with good representation, and following a case plan.

The whole sovereign citizen movement is so so so dangerous. One of their core beliefs is that the US government does not have jurisdiction over citizens, without some consent, and that your social security number is actually a serial number issued by the government. They will suggest nonsense like trying to claim maritime law or defining children as property illegally seized by the government.

The adoption community is well aware that Child Protective Services DOES illegally seize children but going into court and claiming your children are your physical property is not going to go well.

Francesca “guarantees” the immediate return of your children by using her “proven” methods of filings. What this actually ends up doing is damaging your case, destroying your credibility to the court, and prolonging cases with nonsense filings that will still end up with a Termination of Parental Rights.

The LINK>Sovereign Citizens Movement is terrifying. They are not lawyers but a loose grouping of litigants, activists, tax protesters, financial scheme promoters and conspiracy theorists, who claim to be answerable only to their particular interpretations of the common law and believe that they are therefore not subject to any government statutes or proceedings, unless they consent to them. I believe I once ran into some of these people at an annual regional fair suggesting how not to pay taxes.

A Form Of Activism

Disclosure – I have not read this book but I will admit I am intrigued by it. My first awareness was a mention in my all things adoption group – Barbara Kingsolver’s novel Demon Copperhead is the story of Appalachia from the viewpoint of a kid in foster care. Excellent book. Trigger Warning for folk who have been in neglectful or abusive foster care situations.

So I went looking. There is much about this that hits close to home – as in Kentucky is next door to my home state of Missouri and one learns to watch out for Copperhead snakes here. The opioid crisis and unwed teenage mothers, as well as abject poverty, matter to me. I find the Oprah has chose this book for her book club, LINK>Oprah’s Book Club Author Barbara Kingsolver Writes the “Great Appalachian Novel.” An interview there with the author gave me today’s blog title. Barbara Kingsolver’s writing is a form of activism, of righting wrongs. She wanted to address an injustice. Demon Copperhead is a social novel.

In the interview, the author says – I’m committed to writing honestly and respectfully about this region that is widely ridiculed or just invisible in mainstream American culture. Appalachia is beautiful and culturally rich, but a long history of exploitation has left us with structural poverty, limited opportunities, and educational deficits that outsiders tend to laugh at. In the latest of these tragedies—the opioid epidemic—pharmaceutical companies deliberately targeted us for their poison pill. Seeing the devastating effects here where I live moved me to look for the bigger picture and write about it.

In retelling Dicken’s David Copperfield, a boarding school for indigent boys becomes a beleaguered tobacco farm where foster boys are brought in to do unpaid labor. A shoe-black factory is a meth lab. The dangerous friend Steerforth is now “Fast Forward,” a high school football star with a narcissistic streak. Et cetera. She notes – A scary percentage of the kids in my region—as high as 30 percent—have lost their parents to prescription drug abuse. They are wards of the state, or are living with grandparents or others who might prefer not to be raising them. That’s the case with my fictional hero, Demon, and his ragtag band of friends. They want so badly to be seen, in a world that wants them erased.

When asked if she had a special interest in foster care, she replied – To write about a modern generation of kids orphaned by poverty and addiction, I had to dig in and understand the systems that support them—and those systems are inadequate. I was stunned to see how inadequate. DSS workers are absurdly underpaid. Turnover and caseloads are such that a child may not even know the name of his legal guardian, and vice versa. Cruelty and abuse are ongoing options. By telling some awful truths in the story and voice of Demon, maybe I can engage some hearts and minds to make a difference.

There is also a review in The Guardian – LINK>Dickens Updated. From that review – Kingsolver’s hero Damon Fields, known as Demon and nicknamed Copperhead for his red hair, is born to a drug-using teenage single mother in a trailer in Lee County, Virginia. Even in this deprived neighbourhood they stand out by being almost destitute, living between a coal camp “and a settlement people call Right Poor”. Since his mother is in and out of rehab, Demon is partly raised by the sprawling, warm-hearted Peggot clan. It’s all there in Dickens: the weak, infantile mother, ripe for abuse; the dead father and the disciplinarian boyfriend turned merciless stepfather; the bad odds against which no child stands a chance – and also the outsiders, some loving and others less so, who offer only a limited form of help.

Demon becomes a casualty of the “monster-truck mud rally of child services”: case workers who don’t read his file; foster parents who are only in it for the security cheque. Where David is packed off to gloomy Salem House, run by the sadistic Mr Creakle, Demon is quite literally farmed out to “this big old gray-looking house, like Amityville”, owned by a tobacco farmer called Crickson. Demon’s battle to achieve sobriety and to transcend the failure of those around him “to see the worth of boys like me, beyond what work can be wrung out of us by a week’s end. Farm field, battlefield, football field.”

Adoption, Foster Care or Guardianship

Came across some thoughts. Just passing them along.

To the thought that adoption equals indentured servitude, one adoptee said – It started as permanent indentured servitude and nothing has changed except the marketing. In answer to that, someone else said – Until the law changes, hopeful adopters can choose guardianship or (not quite as good) choose NOT to amend the birth certificate per this LINK>google doc on State Laws.

The perspective from an adoptive parent, who adopted from foster care, and who is also the sister of an adoptee – The problem with guardianship is it varies so much on what it provides and how it functions. Part of me wonders if that is by design – make it so onerous that it’s the less desirable option.

Washington state recently passed a law that forbids children to be removed from a placement – if that placement is willing to provide LINK>minor guardianship but not adoption. This was specifically done with kinship in mind – apparently children used to be removed from willing kin placements to be put up for adoption, if a grandmother didn’t want to make her grandchild, her child, on paper.

Under a guardianship, the youth loses the benefits they would keep if they had been adopted or remained in foster care, including medical benefits. Guardians can apply for cash support but it is SUCH a complex process and many people don’t qualify. Her perspective is that it makes guardianship only possible for a specific socioeconomic group – and less possible for kin. Like with adoption, a teen must consent. The system leaves many teens frightened that guardianship means no more stability than foster care – with less oversight.

This adoptive parent would love to see a streamlined guardianship process that is a federal/legal mechanism. One that conveys the same parental rights and responsibilities towards minors that adoption does, while simultaneously banning any birth certificate amendments, legal name changes and still preserves legal ties to all genetic family members.

From the daughter of an orphan and an anti-adoption activist – someone saying that “in guardianship the youth lose benefits that they would keep in foster care” – that is the whole point of guardianship and adoption – to transfer financial responsibility from the state to the guardian or adopter! The adopter or guardian puts the child on their medical plan, feeds them, clothes them etc. The government does provide adoption incentive payments and tax credits and sometimes Medicaid for children with complex medical needs because its still cheaper than having the kid remain in foster care. If guardians or adopters ever lose their jobs and can’t support the kids they took in, they can go on welfare, just like the families the kids were taken away from.

The federal government is betting that won’t happen. The federal government has started offering states Title IV funding for achieving ‘permanency’ through guardianship but it is a relatively new development. Title IV refers to federal student aid in which there is a demonstrable financial need to be able to attend public, private nonprofit and proprietary schools. Attendees of these colleges can receive student loans, grants or enter a work-study program.

Hopefully, guardianship would help stop the bullying of people into adoption. Some persons make guardianship sound like it is not as good as adoption for money related reasons. It is outrageous that ‘the system’ is manipulating teens into believing that adoption offers them more stability and oversight than foster care. Foster care meets their needs until they reach the age of 18. They have a right to facilitated visitation with their family. They can’t be moved out of the county where their family resides. They can’t be homeschooled or forced to participate in their caregiver’s religion. They don’t have to call their caregivers “mom” or “dad” and their care givers are not legally allowed to refer to them as their son or daughter. Their caregivers have to take them to mainstream doctors and dentists. They are assigned a caseworker to monitor the safety and appropriateness of the placement. If they are abused in a foster home, they can sue the state and be awarded damages. They always have the right to be returned to live with their family – if it ever becomes safe and however possible – even after their parents rights have been terminated – ONLY if they have NOT been adopted.

Child Protective Services pushes for adoption in order to meet quotas. They receive bounty payments when the meet federal government requirements for completing placements into adoptions. When kids age out of foster care, they age out with their rights intact and there are many programs and scholarships available to them as former foster youth. These would not be available to them, if they are adopted or obtain a guardian. With both guardianship and adoption, the child loses the oversight of the state. The state is freed from the liability related to what happens to the person in the adoptive home or at the hands of the guardian, if any abuse occurs.

At least with guardianship, the youth remains a member of their family with all kinship rights intact – permanently. The guardian has to do the job of a parent without the title. Legally a child is entitled to the same level of care and support from a guardian that they would receive from an adoptive parent, only they won’t lose their kinship in their family and they can return to their parents, if the situation improves. The guardian does not have a right to keep the person permanently. A guardian also is not allowed to exploit a child in their care, the way an adopter can (such as putting them on Youtube and profiting off filming their every move, as so many adopters and parents do these days). Adopting without changing the birth certificate is not as good as guardianship but it is vastly better than adopting and changing the birth certificate for those who are forced to adopt their kin, rather than serve as guardians.