Adoption Is Not God’s Plan

Personally, I do believe in accepting “what is” in life. In my all things adoption group today I read –

I see this frequently on adoptive parent’s Facebook pages – Adoption was God’s plan for them. It is what He wanted and placed on their hearts. Their “baby” was meant just for them despite growing in another’s womb. So IF God gets all this credit, if a major loss for baby and family was your answered prayer, blah, blah, blah. Their loss was your blessing, etc.

So you know, God caused all this pain and destruction because it was “meant to be.” Then wtf is infertility? How can your “blessing” and another’s loss both be “meant to be?” Your adopted baby was meant for you. Created in the womb for you by God, and all that baloney. Does this mindset only not apply to infertility because it doesn’t benefit you. Could it not be said that maybe, just maybe it wasn’t “meant to be” for you to be a parent at all?

Thank goodness we have a billion dollar a year industry that preys on poor families. Thank goodness we have a government with ridiculous income limits for financial resources. Too bad God can’t get the ratio right – to benefit all the infertile people who want to be parents. There are at least 50 hopeful adoptive parents to every newborn given up for adoption.

One admittedly non religious person commented – I often wonder about our modern day problems (society within the last 200 years of western civilization), and how many of them would be solved by living in close knit communities with strong values in collectivism, as our ancestors did. If infertile women had strong, daily roles as alloparents to children in their community, sometimes providing more individual care than a natural parent. Would they feel so inclined to adopt? I feel like the need and desire for adoption would be drastically diminished, if people lived that way…

blogger’s note – I do believe in an over-arching, life force Presence – some call that God, others Spirit. There are many names for what people sense spiritually. I simply would NOT exist, if my parents (both of them) had not been adopted. It is “what is”. I believe I did not end up adopted myself (my mom was a high school junior and my dad a first year university student), so that I could reconnect the threads of my family’s genetic identity that had been broken by adoption (my destiny or purpose here). Something my parents were not able (my mom) or did not want (my dad) to do. While I believe there is something that responds to me, I also believe we are not controlled by God. We are left alone to discover what this thing called Life is all about, while we are yet here physically.

One-Sided Relationships

Today’s story – So I’m an adoptee. It was a closed adoption. My birth mother kept me a secret from everyone. Thankfully, due to a search angel and 23 and Me, I was able to find my half brother on my biological father’s side. We have a pretty good relationship.

My question is – why is it that, it seems like if we want to get together, I have to be the one to drive up to his family ? All the times we’ve gotten together, it’s been my 10 year old daughter and I driving 4 1/2 hours to see them ? I’ve invited them down for the last several years to be here for her birthday and they either forget or something comes up and they just don’t respond. Yet they’ll go up to Arkansas, 3-4 times a year, to visit his half brother and now come to find out they are moving there. Also, why is it that none of my other family wants to come up and meet them ?

I thought finding him would fill some whole but the fact is it didn’t. I feel more isolated and unattached to everyone more than ever. Is this a common thing ? Is it me ? Am I not good enough or am I just crazy with unrealistic hopes ?

One response noted – lots of people are one sided in their relationships – I have a cousin who, every time I drive to California (6 hours from my home), expects us to drive an additional 2 hours to see him/his family from wherever we are (and will never drive to meet us, where we are). However, every time he comes to Arizona (every few months – makes sure no one knows he/his family are in town, until after he leaves and makes excuses as to why he didn’t reach out). I made this the year I stop putting in all the effort. If a relationship is one-sided, then I am done doing it all. I haven’t talked to either of my two close friends since June, due to this kind of situation. I stopped being the one doing all the calling and planning. I find there is something freeing and I am now focusing my energy elsewhere.

Yet another notices the same thing – some people do a poor job thinking about how their actions (or lack of) affect others. I’ve see this “one way” effort, so so so many times, in all types of family dynamics. That is not to excuse the behavior but to say you’re not unrealistic, your feelings are 100% valid on this, there’s NOTHING wrong with you (you ARE enough) – I’m so sorry for that added pain and heart ache and I hate to report this behavior is not uncommon.

One adoptee shared – I hate this because I’ve been experiencing something similar with my biological family members. They even all got together this summer for two months and didn’t even bother to let me know. They choose to prioritize each other because that’s who they consider “family” and I’m still just the one begging to be acknowledged and invited, where all the effort falls on me or else everyone fades away. But I still will be doing it, flying out there for the holidays this year, even though I have considerably worse health problems than everyone else and don’t even have a steady income right now, because I don’t want to let the opportunities pass me by, and because I don’t have my own real “family”. So I guess I’ll settle for whatever crumbs I’m given. It really sucks, though. And then I feel bad for not just being grateful I get to have any contact with them at all, when so many never get that chance. It’s all so sick and unnatural and I’m so sorry you also have to experience anything like this.

A mom who surrendered a child to adoption answers – the only question of yours that I can answer is that you are definitely “good enough”. I’m so sorry you’re feeling isolated and unattached. I just wanted you to know YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Another adoptee writes – I struggle with this too. I don’t know how or where we fit. It’s confusing. Sometimes I think it’s harder for them to come to your territory. It’s scary for them. I always went to my birth family’s home to visit too.

A therapist notes – this is not about you. You are good enough. I cannot fathom what it is like to find family you never knew existed and what that means to them. So we do not know what motivates their behavior. You could ask for what you want and see what happens. That is a risk. Regardless, it all feels bad and I am sorry for that.

One adoptive parent notes – I was raised by my biological mother and she treats me this way. Sometimes people just suck at peopling. And being good family members. Or being nurturing and understanding. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to feel this way.

Another adoptee writes – You’re not alone. When I found my paternal side over a year ago, my half brother’s widow and her children seemed so happy I found them. They thought they had no family on that side. I was it. We texted, they sent dozens of pics, they couldn’t wait to meet me. Now there is zero interest. When I comment on a rare Facebook posting by the kids or send a text to my sister-in-law, I get either nothing or a brief text back. I guess I knew this would happen. But it still makes me feel back to being someone without a family.

Another adoptee shares a COVID experience – I found my biological dad through Ancestry or 23 and Me about 5 yrs ago and thought we have a great relationship but I had to go to him first – 3 times. Over 3,000 miles, one way, twice and closer the first time because he happened to be near me but I finally put my foot down. He travels about 5-6 times a year – at least – and to extravagant places we could never afford – for weeks at a time. I take 1 week a year of vacation, if I’m lucky, so I said I have other places I want to go and I’ve visited 3 times (and paid the costs of travel) and so, it’s their turn. Every time he offered, I said “your turn”. I was kind of surprised when they finally agreed and came. So when he and his wife did finally come, he got COVID and was super sick – so it was only a 2 day visit until that happened. I do hope they come again. He’s older and I don’t want regrets but also, like you, I want to be wanted. It’s not that much to ask really. Set your boundaries. I think we set ourselves up for being walked on by not expecting give and take. Keep saying “your turn”, when invited, and see what happens. It took a while on my end but it happened because I didn’t budge. Sometimes I hear of them traveling a lot closer to me and not suggesting we connect – which sucks – but I keep setting how I want to be treated and try not to let any slights be absorbed. I’m not chasing love anymore. I am enough and so are you.

One male adoptee shares – My birth father lives about 3 hours from me and we have yet to meet in person. We have exchanged emails but he doesn’t seem too enthusiastic to meet up. I mean, I kind of get it. I was a mistake that a 15 year old and a 16 year old made. I have met my birth mother and she was happy to meet me. Sperm donor ?, maybe, not so much a father.

Yet another adoptee notes – as the adoptee, it is on us to do All The Things, Forever. We are used to adjusting, to making room, to accommodating everyone else. The people we find may fill a hole in our lives, but to them we’re “extra”, not “missing.” And we’re expected to “understand”, whenever we are abused or forgotten.

Someone else noted – There could be a lot of reasons, most of which boil down to: he likes and cares about you, but doesn’t feel as strongly about your relationship as you do. Maybe it is limited time/money for travel, so he uses it on the family he feels closer to/has longer relationships with. He’s probably still very happy for you to visit but unwilling to change his priorities enough to come to you.

It sounds like he feels about you the same way I feel about some of my cousins – happy to see them, interested in their lives, but we’re not super close and don’t spend the time/money to see each other often. The difference is that we all feel the same way, so there’s no pain from unequal investment in the relationship.

It sucks, and I’m sorry. It sounds very much like having the depth/strength of sibling bond you want and deserve is something that adoption has taken from you. It’s not your fault, and it’s not fair.

So Perfectly Expressed

Podcast by Ande Scott, a late discovery adoptee

This was NOT in her podcast but was posted by my friend on Facebook. It was so good (and I am short on time today) that I wanted to share it here.

When people tell me Adoption isn’t like it was when you were a baby – in many ways the adoption industry is worse. On the one hand, they will acknowledge that adoption is trauma, but continue to do “outreach” to coerce pregnant people in crisis to give up their children. They will acknowledge that our families are traumatized by our loss, but throw platitudes and promises at them, in order to convince them to relinquish. They acknowledge the pain, but pursue policies that deny reproductive rights, prevent sex education and access to contraceptives , and promote a false narrative that children will be better off with strangers. They acknowledge that people who lose their families should know they are being raised by others, and say they promote openness. Without advising our families that this is usually not enforceable, and still advocating for falsified birth certificates. They promote foster to adopt as the solution, but do not disclose the way this has been turned into a racket; one that involves increased policing of families, especially families of color.

They’ve gotten better at the con, out of long years of practice and access to billions of dollars. They use their lobbying and political and religious and social power to disempower others and perpetuate marginalization, when they could put the weight of their influence behind family preservation and the programs that would make our society healthier. But that would mean a loss of money and power.

Every day another child is robbed of their identity and family and culture and history via the practices of the dual birth certificate system, closed adoption (knowing you are adopted does not equate to open adoption ), private adoption, transracial adoption, transnational adoption.

None of these practices are necessary to help a child in crisis.

We Don’t Do Enough

Society doesn’t do enough to help struggling families.

From a “First Mother” (one who lost custody of her child).

She writes – Something I will never understand:

Foster Caregivers in Facebook “free” groups – asking/begging for bottles, pack-n-plays, diapers. Some asking for a child that they don’t even have in their care, yet “planning” on getting a baby. Some asking for clothes for next season, making plans to keep babies away from their parents.

This is seems to be perfectly acceptable, even praised as resourceful.

While biological families are shamed and torn apart for being in need of the same things.

Adoption Fragility

Fragility is often called out in regard to adoptive parents. Today’s blog was inspired by a mother who lost her child to adoption. This mother admits – I am also fragile. It’s often pointed out in response to an adoptive parent’s fragility. I am working on this. What is helping is getting all the adoption conditioning out of my body, heart, mind and soul. It’s deep and intense yet this work is helping.

My image above came from a Facebook page called LINK>The Open Adoption Project which focuses on improving adoptee experiences by encouraging open communication. Regarding this situation, they say “Sometimes, tragedy turns to triumph.” They note, Stevoni, the mom that Aymee is referring to, was struggling with drug addiction when her kids were removed from her care and placed with her ex-husband’s wife, Aymee. Stevoni’s parental rights were eventually terminated. Aymee adopted the kids. There were years of struggle and heartache with Stevoni going in and out of prison. Stevoni and Aymee eventually laid aside their differences for the kids. The Open Adoption Project says the two have formed one of the most admirable open adoptions we’ve seen. Stevoni now helps incarcerated individuals recover from their own addictions and is an active part of her kids’ lives.

So back to the original comment – Adoptive parents often get called out regarding their fragility. She says, I rarely see them change. Then, goes on to share her theory (while hoping she’s wrong).

Emotional manipulation of your adopted child/adult (withholding important information from them in relation to their biological family, guilt trips, passive aggressive behavior, savorism, jealousy, ownership, etc) is not because you are blind to your mind games, these behaviors are intentional.

Why? Perhaps because it is dynamic and this behavior has been in place from Day 1. The adopted child is groomed to feel responsible for your feelings. You like this dynamic because it makes you feel better.

Here’s the thing. Mind games are not Love. So if you are fragile and choosing to not deal with it, this is not love. It’s dysfunctional and extremely harmful. If you truly love your adopted kids, work on this. It’s not that hard but it does take work.

I spent a week in Oregon at Jean Houston’s house and she talked about that John Lennon song, Mind Games. The lyrics reflected John’s interest in a book with that title by Robert Masters and Jean Houston. The book stressed tapping into our mental potential to effect global change. So, just because, here is the song.

Policing Unethical Agencies

I read about this effort today, LINK>New Bill Introduces Federal Oversight Over Private Adoption Agencies, which seems like a step in the right direction (if the House can get it’s act together, which is a big IF at the moment) –

Congressmembers Doug Lamborn (R CO-05) and Annie Kuster (D NH-02) introduced the In Good Standing Adoption Agencies Act of 2023 (LINK>HR 5540) in the House of Representatives last week, a bill that would require the federal government to publish a list of licensed, private, 501(c)(3) adoption agencies in each state.

While private adoption agencies can provide wonderful services for families frustrated by overwhelmed, slow-moving or unresponsive public systems, unethical agencies can manipulate birth parents, adoptees and adoptive parents for personal gain. Private businesses — both for- and non-profit — need money to stay afloat. When successful adoptions are a company’s primary source of income, workers can become incentivized to force adoptions through. These bad actors can sometimes call themselves contractors or consultants to get around state laws, or they might meet licensing requirements in only one or two states.

HR 5540 would require states to tell the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) which private, non-profit adoption agencies are licensed in their jurisdiction, and which have been disciplined or sanctioned for not following the laws.

In looking for an image to illustrate today’s blog, I stumbled on this woman – LINK>Kirsta Bowman.

Kirsta is an activist for adoptees, foster children and reproductive rights. An adoptee herself, Bowman has been using her social media platforms to educate folks about the right-wing influence that runs rampant in the adoption industry as well as how said influence uses adoptees and foster children as pawns for their pro-life, for-profit agenda.

She writes – “When you grow up with pieces of paper showing how much your parents paid for you, it does make you feel like they should have a return on your investment,” Bowman said. “I grew up feeling like I had to prove my parents’ money’s worth.”

Four years ago, Bowman found her birth parents through Facebook, and that moment became the catalyst for her activism. “I started reaching out to other adoptees and realized that I’m not the only one who’s had issues with it,” she explains. “I learned that my birth mom actually did really want to keep me but was heavily pressured by my adoptive parents, and you learn how baby-hungry some of these people are who cannot physically have one.”

blogger’s note – maybe the only point I am trying to make today (I already write a lot about all that is wrong with adoption as it is practiced today and yesterday) is that there are GOOD people out there trying to make it all “better.”

Disconnected by Fear

An adoptee writes –

I was adopted soon after birth in a very closed adoption. Through DNA testing and Facebook stalking, I found my biological mother in 2021. Though reserved, she agreed to meet in July 2021. I flew to her state (11 hours driving distance) and spent 4 hours with her in a restaurant, and then we went our separate ways. She was nice but said she had “memory issues” and couldn’t remember a lot of that time in her life. She has no pictures on social media and I didn’t take one when I met her.

In June this year, she said she wanted to drive the 11 hours with her husband and their camper to see me and my family. I was both ecstatic and very anxious, but made plans with her anyway. I checked in a few times between June and this weekend, because I knew she might change her mind. She frequently “likes” my posts on Facebook but we don’t talk much outside of that. She drove 10 hours in my direction and camped overnight on Friday in a town 1 hour away.

Saturday morning, she was supposed to come over to my house to meet my kids and husband and have breakfast. I scrubbed the whole house, bought a fruit and cheese tray, croissants, donuts, etc. At 8am, she texts me and says they need to bail and go back to their home state, because “storms” were in the forecast that night (storms were forecasted about 15 hours after she texted me, so not imminent.)

I’m struggling so much with feelings of abandonment and rejection resurfacing. I want to totally shut down and block her from my Facebook (where she gets daily insights into my life and my family, and I get nothing in return because she never posts and has no pictures on hers). How could she drive 10 hours in my direction and turn around with only 1 hour to go? I’m really having a hard time knowing how to navigate this. She hasn’t texted me since and I just told her I hope she has a safe drive home, because I don’t want to admit how much this hurts. Is it futile to try to have a relationship with someone so closed off and inaccessible?

One direct response was – She is afraid. She feels bad and she doesn’t want to hurt you more that she already has.

Blogger’s thought – it really is difficult to build a relationship, even with the advantage of genetic familial connection, when there is no physically shared family experiences and there has been no real relationship for so many years, decades even. This has been my experience in connecting with biological, genetic relatives as the child of parents who were both adoptees. It is awkward and so much is lacking due to the passage of time between people with no daily, monthly, yearly history together.

To make the point, another person commented – I’ve been in similar situation with my “biological father” and he never makes any effort. It hurts. I drove half way across the country to meet him and don’t hear from him unless I reach out. I’ve spoken to him maybe 2 times since 2017. My biological mother isn’t any different really, except she’s much closer.

Another person reaffirmed the earlier comments – I read your story. What I infer from it is that she is struggling mentally / emotionally with how to navigate a relationship with you, and unfortunately that has an impact on you, causing more harm. For her to want to make such a long trek and to get 10 hours into an 11 hour journey tells me that a motivation / desire is there, but stopping one hour away and bailing with a pitiful excuse indicates to me that she is overwhelmed or afraid, she doesn’t know how to handle the emotional toll and show up for you, so she ran away. Fight / flight / freeze; she chose flight.

A mother who surrendered a child to adoption wrote – She panicked. Maybe even had a anxiety or panic attack. She might also have PTSD from this whole situation and from being that close to you. I went up to DC so my husband could meet my family. It was the closest I’d been to my baby since his adoption finalized. I was on edge for two hours as we were leaving and even cried, while holding my second child.. It is truly so hard to navigate those feelings. Nothing can replace you and nothing can help that pain except for time. Give her time.

Rehoming

I’ve not read the book in the image above but the question came up – Can someone please explain the legality of adoption rehoming groups on Facebook and stuff like that? Like, I’m sure we all understand that’s literal child trafficking. But can someone help me understand how it’s legal?

One foster parent answered – It is my understanding that the agency that posts most of them (LINK>Second Chance Adoptions which is an offshoot of Wasach Adoption) is specifically licensed for this. I guess it is seen as no different than adopting an older child out of foster care for example. The agency can only adopt to specific states that allow it and all adopting families must be homestudied. I believe the agency itself operates out of Utah which has looser regulations than other states. That is not saying that I in any way agree with the practice.

One adoptee notes – It is heartbreaking and horrible on so many levels. Commodification of these children and looks like pet rescues — the worst part is how adoptive parents think that it’s a good thing to do… move a misbehaving puppy… I mean youth on to the next furever family. I cannot imagine the trauma and mental anguish that these children must endure.

Another adoptee chimes in – I often wonder how this is legal as well. Its totally disgusting and treats them like objects rather than people. Foster care/adoption fairs rub me the same way. Especially when it comes to children that will already be extremely traumatized.

Someone more knowledgeable shares – it actually operates under the same laws that govern domestic infant adoptions (DIA) – it’s private domestic adoption, only difference is unlike private infant adoption there aren’t more hopeful adoptive parents than children, which is reflected in the fees (and makes one wonder just who is pocketing the extra $30,000 for these adoptions). Any legal parent of a minor child of any age may privately place them for adoption through an accredited agency; the one difference is that each state sets an age that a child must consent to the adoption, which I believe is typically between 11-14. It really comes down to the fact our society treats children like property. What REALLY rubs me the wrong way is that (not unlike DIA, I guess) the current legal parents get to pick the new legal parents using whatever criteria they want. Like, if you’re dumping a kid, I don’t think you should be able to say – they can only be placed with a Bible-believing Protestant Cisgender family or whatever.

An adoptive parent acknowledges that – it is an absolutely horrid practice and so unregulated. Most “second chance adoptions” are not done this way, most are done over Craig’s List and other sites like that, leaving children so vulnerable and pedophiles are given a very easy way to welcome a child into their homes. It is disgusting and something that the American government needs to address and put a stop too. The idea that people adopt and then decide it isn’t working out for them is just something I don’t understand. Adoption is presented as a pretty package, when the reality is something very different, based alone on the trauma experienced by the adoptee.

Another adoptive parent asks – can biological parents stop parenting a “troubled youth” and place them for adoption? That doesn’t seem legal? If it isn’t legal, then it makes no sense at all that these rehoming adoptions would be. They are legally your children through adoption.

I tried googling that one’s question. It has long been possible to relieve one’s self of a troubled teenager by sending them to boarding schools (including military types) or wilderness type programs. These do not require the parents to terminate their parental responsibility. A court and/or child protective services intervention would be required to go that far – which might end in foster care but would not usually result in surrendering them for adoption (difficult to accomplish with an older child anyway – most age out of foster care). I’m certainly not the one to offer legal advice, just my intuition from what I have encountered over time.

Our Missing Stories

My friend, Ande Scott, does a podcast called LINK>The Adoption Files. The Adoption Files seeks to provide a place for adoptees and allies to discuss the laws preventing adoptees from accessing their identities, and the emotional and physical challenges adoptees face in the process of dealing with the obstacles we face. I was once a guest on her podcast. Ande is also a late discovery adoptee – which means she grew up never being told that she was adopted and only found out much later as an adult. Today, she shared something so poignant, I needed to bring it here to reach others who might not be her friend on Facebook. Here is what she wrote –

As adopted people, we are severed from our stories. Along with photos, the greatest treasures I have received from family members are the few stories I have been told. My grandfather who testified against the mob, my other grandfather who walked back to allied lines after his bomber was shot down. The great-uncle who ran away to Australia.

My youngest expressed to me the loss he feels when he sees the photos, hears the stories, sees the traditions that thread together the strands of his friends lives.

I wish I had those things to give to him, that the false narrative had been the true story. Not the fantasy that was torn away from not just me, but my children as well.

I probably make my grandkids a little crazy, bombarding them with the stories of trips to the museum and days spent in Lego architecture and how I used to take their dad and uncle for “walks”; me on my quad skates, their dad in rollerblades, their uncle on a skateboard. How we would take turns carrying the eight pound dog when she was worn out from keeping up.

I want them to have stories to fill in at least a little of the void that stretches out behind them just two generations back.

Because being lost to family isn’t just about the adopted person.

It’s about everyone who comes after, as well.

blogger’s note – I was recently in contact with Barbara Raymond (author of The Baby Thief) which is about Georgia Tann, who looms large in my own mother’s adoption story. She said – you have more adoption in your family than anyone else I have heard of. It’s true. Not only were BOTH of my parents adoptees but each of my 2 sisters gave up a baby to adoption. That makes 4 adoptees in my immediate genetic, biological family. Long ago, as I was uncovering my actual genetic, biological grandparents, my youngest son said – you have a very complicated family. That is true and I’ve been doing my best to come to terms with that and integrate it into my own understanding of what family is. All 4 of my adoptive grandparents were “good” people who treated us well as genuine grandchildren. Learning the truth of my original genetic, biological grandparents did shatter that a bit for me personally. I’ve been doing my best to put ALL of the pieces back together again.

Narcissism

Started reading a piece by Shane Bouel on Medium titled LINK>Objectification of Adoption via Narcissism, subtitled – A Deplorable Default Truth of Adoption. I thought about the many times I have read adoptees describe their adoptive parent (usually the adoptive mother) as a narcissist. I reflected that I wasn’t sure I had ever written about that in this blog. You will need to be a “member” to read the entire Medium piece, so I will excerpt a few thoughts from his writing, until I hit the paywall myself.

He writes – The world of adoption is often portrayed as a realm of selflessness and love, where individuals make the profound choice to provide a home and family for a child in need. While this perspective is undoubtedly valid, there is an uncomfortable truth that deserves consideration: Adoption inherently invites narcissism.

[1] The Desire for Validation – One aspect that links adoption and narcissism is the inherent desire for validation. Individuals who choose to adopt may find validation in being perceived as saviors or heroes who rescue a child from a less fortunate situation. This need for external validation can be a manifestation of narcissistic tendencies, where one’s self-worth is closely tied to the approval and admiration of others.

[2] Control and Ownership – Another element to consider is the sense of control and ownership that adoption can bring. The act of adopting a child can be perceived as an assertion of power and control over another person’s life. This desire for control aligns with narcissistic traits, as narcissists often seek to dominate and exert influence over those around them.

[3] Idealized Self-Image – Narcissists tend to have an idealized self-image, and adoption can serve as a means to further enhance this image. Adoptive parents may view themselves as exceptionally kind, generous, and selfless, reinforcing their own positive self-perception. The adoption narrative can be a platform for bolstering the idealized self-image of those involved.

[4] Manipulation of Empathy – Narcissists are known for their ability to manipulate and elicit empathy from others. In the context of adoption, this manipulation can take the form of presenting themselves as selfless and virtuous individuals who are solely focused on the well-being of the child. This calculated display of empathy can be a…

(and I hit the paywall – I’m not really ready to go back to paying at this time).

I found a LINK>to Shane on FB, where he says this about his piece on Medium – This article delves into the complex dynamics at play, highlighting how the desire to adopt can intertwine with narcissistic tendencies and exploring the potential consequences of this intersection.

The truth of adoption is an uncomfortable reality that cannot be ignored. While adoption is often depicted as a selfless act driven by love and compassion, the underlying complexities reveal a darker side. Behind the heartwarming narratives lie stories of loss, identity struggles, and the commodification of vulnerable lives. The default truth of adoption encompasses the harsh realities of a system that can perpetuate secrecy, discrimination, and emotional trauma.

Why? Because the foundation of adoption is rooted in trauma, as long as the baby scoop era and forced adoption existed, adoption will be tarred with the same brush. Supporting saviorism over family preservation! Is this true adoption advocacy? In truth, adoption should be abolished! It’s time to call out toxic advocacy.