Flying To Meet Mom

I remember my adoptee mom who desperately yearned to have contact with her birth mom said something similar – that she wanted her mom, as a mom herself, to know that she was okay. Unfortunately, my adoptee mom never had the opportunity.

Today’s happy story – I was adopted at birth in a closed domestic adoption. I am flying across the country, with my family (husband and 2 kids) to finally meet my genetic, biological mom, who I found 5 years ago through DNA! We have had a great relationship via FaceTime, pretty regularly.

I have also been very low contact (I send photos a handful of times a year via text) with my adoptive mother for 4 years. I love my adoptive mother, but also have chosen my peace over anything else…

Do I message her a heads up? I am sure I will post photos over the weeklong visit. I don’t feel I “owe” it to her, but also have no desire to hurt her. I’m thinking possibly the following – “Just wanted to let you know we are going to meet ***** next week. Love you very much.”

One adoptee suggested – if it were me, I would tell your adoptive mother AFTER you’ve met your biological family but before you post pictures. That way, you get to fully enjoy your visit, without any fallout from your adoptive mother and you are still being mindful of her feelings by letting her know before pictures are shared, just so she’s not blindsided.

Difficult Conversations

Not the child in today’s story.

We have guardianship of a 7yr old. He has lived with us twice before through foster care but always returned home after sobriety was achieved.

Guardianship happened after the 3rd relapse in 6 years.

Grandparents have guardianship of some older siblings and often go camping in the summer and invite his mom to join them (their daughter and mother of the kids).

How would you navigate the conversation of yes he can go camping with his family but he can’t move back in with his mom, since she is still in rehab and we don’t know when/if he ever will, due to her substance abuse history?

Is it as simple as saying it that way? I don’t want to overcomplicate it.

He knows that his mom was arrested for drugs and that’s why he has lived with us through the years. His whole life we have genuinely had a good relationship with his mom. We send her pictures and he has had several supervised visits since the last relapse and they FaceTime several times during the week.

One suggestion – “All grown-ups need help taking care of kids. That’s why we are teamed up with the adults in your family, so that we can all help each other take the best care of you.”

One person formerly in foster care asks – Do you think he would want to go? I’m only speaking from my personal experience. I didn’t like events like that when I was a kid with my father because he would try to act like he was this good dad and it was uncomfortable and I felt out of place the entire time. That’s not to say he shouldn’t go but there are a lot of emotional things to navigate outside of just her sobriety.

Another one suggested – put it back on the courts, if he asks. “Right now the judge decided it’s best for you to stay with us. When the judge tells us you can come back to your mom we will absolutely make it happen.” And if he asks when, it’s okay to say that you don’t know but will keep him updated as soon as you do.

An elementary school teacher who has some experience with parents that have addiction issues said – the camping experience is an opportunity for an extended visit with your mom and grandparents. Your mom and grandparents are going to make sure you and your siblings have a great time together. Your mom is still doing some really important work to be her best, and she still needs some more time to do that. Which means you are not going to go home to live with her yet. She added – ask if he’s comfortable with that because it might be more traumatic for him to deal with that separation all over again. She also suggested a therapist to talk about the trauma he’s experienced, in general. She then shared – My mom struggled with addiction for years and, while I was never removed, I wish I could have had someone who didn’t make her the bad guy for fighting a really difficult disease. It takes an incredible amount of work to fight that addiction, and kudos to his mom to keep trying.

One adoptive parent said – Sometimes the answers are just what they are and there isn’t a nice explanation just a hard truth. we just talk about it honestly. Mom had a drug addiction and tons of childhood trauma herself. We talk about those things. How trauma and addiction can effect us. We always emphasize that it isn’t anything against them. She added – my experience is to always go with the truth. Sometimes the situation just sucks and it is ok to say that. And added – she never negatively talks about their Mom – ever – but the girls sometimes express anger. We validate those feelings but I never jump on that bandwagon.

Is COVID19 A Real Excuse ?

If you are worried about continuing visits for your foster children with their original families, what can you do ?

For one – put masks on everyone, wash hands and faces, visit anyway.

If your agency can keep the visiting areas cleaned and no one is showing any symptoms – there should be no reason why such visits should be cancelled.

Of course, if anyone in the family is high risk, then it is only prudent to find another way to visit until everything blows over. Many families are staying in touch using easy to obtain technologies – zoom, skype or facetime.

Some visits have taken place in libraries but they may close. Division offices may not be able to support the volume of visits that would have to move there, if the library doesn’t remain open. Home visits could prove to be a logistical nightmare with all the rules and policies that are in place. Even public places like a fast food locations with play area may not be wise in light of the pandemic because their ability to keep areas clean enough may be lacking. There are even some public parks now closed to the public.

People who work in the medical field do suggest postponing in person visits until the potential impact is mitigated. Social isolation is key to limit the spread (especially for those persons who are at high risk for complications). The reality is a person can be asymptomatic and still be a carrier.

So again, the best suggestion for staying in touch at this time is video visits. No one should be going in and out of other people’s homes or apartments. You may not have symptoms but could still be contagious. The best way to protect the vulnerable in all of our communities is to self isolate as much as possible. We all have to do things – like shop for necessary items and food. In our family and many I know of – only one person is going to risk such exposure with the understanding they may become infected. This is the reality we are currently living through.

I would not want to see foster parents during this time use COVID19 as an excuse “in the best interest of the child” to limit reunification possibilities with the children’s original parents.