Society’s Unseen Realities

For some time now, I’ve been slowly reading through The Tao of Physics by Fritjof Capra. I’ve always been fascinated by the science of physics, even though I may not totally understand a lot of it. I’ve almost finished Capra’s book and the big thing I took away from it is how interconnected EVERYTHING is.

So it was that I was attracted to a Medium piece – LINK>Exploring Quantum Connections in Adoption by Shane Bouel. You may or may not be able to read it. I will excerpt some parts in case.

Shane notes – “The state of one entangled particle instantly influences the other, similar to how the separation of a mother and child through adoption can have far-reaching emotional consequences.” The separation of a mother from her child leads to complex emotions and psychological challenges for both of them. Adoptees may experience conflicting emotions as they navigate their relationships with both their birth mother and adoptive family. Birth mothers, too, may grapple with complex emotions related to the decision or lack of, to place their child for adoption. He says that “Ultimately, the goal is to create a more empathetic and compassionate environment for adoptees and their birth families.” His goal is my goal in publishing this blog as well.

An intricate web of relationships connect individuals to their environment. Quantum mechanics finds that particles are interconnected and influence each other’s states – regardless of distance. The concept of attachment has a parallel in the idea of entanglement. Particles are intrinsically linked. Adoptees navigate the uncharted territory of identity and belonging. The separation experienced by adopted individuals parallels the entangled state of particles. The emotional journey of adoptees . . . is intertwined with societal perceptions, recognition, and acknowledgment.

Dr Sue Morter delivered the message at Agape last Sunday and photons were very much a part of how she described energy acting. Shane writes – “Quantum mechanics, traditionally applied to the microscopic realm, is gradually revealing its influence on macroscopic effects, including DNA interactions and biophoton communication within the body. This bridge between the quantum and the macroscopic echoes the connection between the unseen emotional trauma of adoption and its far-reaching implications on adoptees’ lives.” And in fact, in Capra’s book, he describes the understandings being applied on a large scale to the whole cosmos.

Shane emphasizes – “The historical instances of forced adoption and exploitation highlight the need for societal acknowledgment and reconciliation.” In conclusion, he says “. . . the emotional threads of adoption connect lives in ways we may not fully perceive.”

Shane’s writing seeks to lift standards of ethics and morality related to adoption by sharing the truth he perceives and has experienced.

Difficult Father Issues

Today’s story – my 13 year old’s biological father wants to terminate his parental rights and the only way the state will allow that to happen is if my husband adopts my child. This is not something I ever wanted to happen and I tried very hard to avoid things getting to this point.

In the past under joint custody, he has refused to consent to therapy, refused to allow the children to take their medication, changed their class placements against their will, withdrawn them from extracurriculars, cancelled doctors appointments, picked up their glasses from the eye doctor and then, refused to give them back to us, etc… it’s just been a lot. At this point, he also hasn’t seen our child for the last four years, by his own choice. My husband is already raising my child and has been for most of their life. They already live here 100% of the time. So, logistically, this would not change anything.

If we do the adoption, I will be able to get my child back in therapy, to help them begin to work through all of this. Also with the adoption, comes the option for them to change their last name. They have their biological father’s last name. They are ADAMANT that they want to get rid of his last name and take mine. I did not change my name, when I got married. So it isn’t my husband’s last name. My last name is pretty important to me. I never knew my biological father or anything about him, and my mother did not raise me (I was a kinship adoptee). My last name has always felt like a connection myself, if that makes sense. It’s one of the very few things I can trace through generations and say ”this is where I came from.” My child knows this and I think wants to have a part of that as well.

All of that said, I feel weird about changing their name. So, I wonder if I should encourage them to keep his last name. There is a lot of trauma and hurt associated with that name for them. My hesitation is – do I feel they are old enough to have the final say in this. I really never wanted this for them and I am feeling horribly guilty about all of it.

Someone shared their personal experience – My husband adopted my child (this was an adult adoption), we asked their input and what they wanted. We made it clear it was 100% their choice and in no way did we want to influence such a big decision either way but we discussed scenarios and options in length and made them wait a while to make sure they still wanted it changed and it wasn’t out of spite or anger or a split second decision.

This is a different scenario than an adoption of a young child who cannot consent (this was really hard for me to accept but necessary to understand). Your child is consenting and wants their name changed. Names are very triggering, even for my adult child, when they hear their original name it always makes them lose their breath. It is ok to change their name, it’s ok!

Another person confirmed – in my state the court will not terminate the parental rights of a father, if there is a step-parent who could adopt. A father can’t terminate his rights without adoption because legally, it leaves the child fatherless. It’s something that, if allowed, could lead to parents requesting termination to avoid being required to support their children.

Social Workers

Back in Georgia Tann’s reign in Tennessee, the role of a Social Worker was somewhat new but crucial to the completion of adoption efforts. Today, I came across this article – What Social Workers Need to Know When Working with Adoptive Families at a WordPress site titled Detached – Attachment – Adoption – Social Critique. The author writes – Though these workers were generally decent people with their hearts in the right place, I’ve been struck by how much even caring and well-meaning social workers can be unintentionally damaging.

This person goes on to say – It is a humbling experience to admit that you don’t have the capacity, whether financial, physical or emotional to handle a child without this support. And virtually no one appreciates having people outside their families making decisions for them, judging their parenting, and having control over their lives. Then adds, proceeding from the notion that social workers and others (probation officers, behavioral aids, etc.) are here to help us, why do we so often feel hurt, humiliated and misunderstood after interacting with them?

This particular essay was written by an adoptive parent. It involved traumatized adoptees. It should be a cautionary tale for any hopeful adoptive parent considering that pathway to parenting.

In searching for the image I share at the top of my own blog here (you can read the rest of the adoptive parent’s perspective at the link above), I found another article. “Is my position as a social worker compromised if I don’t agree with adoption?” with the subtitle – “A social worker reflects on their biases around adoption and the need for group decision-making in matters of separating children from families.” This appeared at a website called “Community Care.”

Any one who has read my blog for any length of time knows that I do not overall support adoption. Just saying. I know from things I have read written by foster parents and it appears true of some social workers that there are people who believe that being inside of a system is the way to reform it. I really cannot judge but from what I’ve read of some who have tried, it doesn’t actually prove out. Also just saying as a disclaimer.

The author of this point of view shares their qualifications – I have been responsible for recommending the interim removal of children from their birth families as well as placing children in the care of relatives under the auspices of special guardianship orders (SGOs). I consider myself to have a sound understanding of care proceedings but one area which leaves me feeling uncomfortable, anxious and unsure of myself as a social worker is adoption. Forced adoption can be seen as punitive. There is clear evidence that austerity (lack of financial supports for families) has added to the adversities faced by any family who’s children have been removed but who seek to have their own children returned to their care. From all that I have read the process can be daunting and the time frame too limited and therefore disallows the parents an ability to be successful.

You can read more in the link for that article above. I apologize for not providing more complete summarizations of the above information but I am short on time today. Read if you care to consider the perspectives.