Questions for Kinship Caretakers

As a kinship adoptive parent, I have some questions. If you don’t mind, would you please answer one or more of the following questions. If you do elect to answer, know that I greatly appreciate the time and emotional energy you have given to share your information. Thank you for your time.

Who was your kinship caretaker (grandparent, aunt, cousin, family friend etc). Did you stay in one kinship home, multiple kinship homes, started kinship went to foster home etc.
If you were in a foster home while your kinship caretaker was getting approved, what that like for you as a child? Did you know family was attempting to have you placed with them? Did foster families attempt to block you from being placed with family/Fictive kin? Did foster families attempt to separate siblings to meet their desires?
What are some things you wish your kinship caretaker had done for you? What are things you wish they had not done?
What are things you would have liked said to you during your time with a kinship caretaker? What are things a kinship caretaker should be telling the children currently in their care?
What is something that was said/done that sticks with you from your time with your kinship caretaker?
What do you want current kinship caretakers to know about communication with a child and their parents? If court/social worker has ordered limited contact/communication, what can a kinship caretaker do that would not break a court order but still support the communication for a child in their care?
What would you want current kinship caretakers to know? How could kinship care be improved?
If you could speak with state representatives who create laws and policies around kinship care, what would you say? What do they need to know?

One kinship adoptee responds – I’m not going to answer all of the questions but I wanna make 1 thing clear, NEVER talk bad about the biological parents! I was adopted by my maternal half aunt. My mom needed help, she asked her half sister for help, so that she could get back on her feet. When she came back to get me, they treated her like dirt and made her leave. She was pregnant again and they made her feel bad, so she did leave me in their care and they got guardianship over me. For as long as I can remember, they’ve talked bad about my mom. She lived in a rough city, drugs, a mean person, lots of stuff you should never tell a child. I was adopted around the age of 8. My aunt treated me like crap and made it clear her daughter was her favorite and I was nothing more than a niece, even though I called her “mom”. She h@ted my biological mom. My mom overdosed in 2017, I was pregnant at the time and had been in contact with her prior to that. She wasn’t a bad person, she just chose to do things as she felt she had no choice. Her mom passed with heart failure when she was 8 and no one in the family helped her after that, except to take me. At times, I wonder if they had actually helped her, maybe she’d still be here and I would have grown up with her. My life would’ve been better and happier.

One former foster care youth answered 2 and 3 –

2. My experience with my prior placements was mixed. My first placement was okay, my foster mother was a very kind person from what I knew, but it was all very scary because I wasn’t in a placement with all of my siblings and it’s kind of a blur to be honest. I was terrified and felt more out of control than ever without knowing where my siblings were, and having no way to contact them was really hard as well.

My second foster home wasn’t great but it wasn’t terrible either. Foster mom burned a cigarette on me and accused me of sleeping with her husband lmao. (I didn’t, just in case anyone is wondering.) Child services worked fast and after my placement with that family they lost their license and are no longer permitted to foster or adopt.

I did know that I was going to be placed with my kinship foster parent. I was the one who requested it after my separation from my family. I was 15 at the time and the oldest of my 4 siblings.

My youngest sibling was in a placement alone, she was only one month old. Her foster parents attempted to move forward with adoption. At that point she had only been with them for a couple weeks, so they were essentially trying to separate her from the rest of her family. They were unsuccessful thankfully.

3. Honestly I do feel like despite their shortcomings, my kinship foster parents really did try. They seemed to have good intentions but they were misguided and ill prepared to say the least. I wish they had thought more about it, choosing to foster my siblings and I. I’m thankful to them for doing it, but if you can’t handle that kind of responsibility you shouldn’t take it on. In the end it made me feel like nothing short of a burden and a waste of precious time that I didn’t deserve staying with them.

I wish they loved me like I wanted them to. I wish they had the patience, or the time. I wish they tried harder, not to be “perfect parents” but to be good listeners.

I wish they didn’t assume my traumas because they took parenting classes, and did the bare minimum learning about trauma. I wish they didn’t push me out of my siblings lives because they disagree with my lifestyle (I’m a queer woman. I would understand if I was struggling with something that wouldn’t be safe or healthy for my siblings, but I’m literally just queer and they hate me for it so.)

Also # 7 – I want kinship caretakers to know how important it is to not be discouraged by learning curves. The youth in your care will pick up on it. We all know that these situations can be tough to navigate. And it’s okay to be human, to make mistakes. It’s okay to slip up, and it’s going to happen a lot. But don’t let that be the children’s problem. If you slip up, make it known and apologize. Ask the youth in your care about how they feel, what they think, and how you might be able to help them. Communicate your views with them to the best of your ability, in an age appropriate way of course. But don’t ever overstep their boundaries unless it is absolutely necessary.

Same-Sex Couple Dilemmas

Not who wrote it – just a representative photo.

Today, I read this post – I’m currently a 4th year doctoral candidate and I study family communication specifically on the intersection of family, adoption, and race. So, the intricacies of adoption and fostering are definitely not lost on me. Everyone asks if we’re “considering adoption” and it’s made me realize more and more that I don’t even accept the thought of adopting. I’m also trying to work through the complexity of possibly not being able to birth children and not adopting while still wanting to be a parent.

A queer adoptee answers – I can’t do that to another child. I can’t put another child thru that willingly. So instead, going back to school to be Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and work with those in adoption/first parents/adoptive parents. But I cannot put another child thru that in good conscience.

Another said similarly – I have talked to a lot of same sex couple about adoption and many of them have changed their minds after talking to me.

Yet another adoptee notes – I wish this had been the case for me. I lost a friend who mattered a lot to me because he is gay and feels that his only path to parenthood was adoption. He centered himself so much and even years later, he occasionally makes a post tagging me to poke at my adoptee status and how “wrong” I am. The previous one just above responded – I think I’ve gotten lucky. I’ve been pretty loud and active in my local community with not just family separation stuff but other issues too. I think that has helped with people actually listening to me.

Another who is an infant adoptee and late realized queer says – I have major anger at how society conceives children and parenthood through a heteronormative and parent-focused lens. Adoption and anonymous donor conception and surrogacy are deeply upsetting and triggering to me. I feel like I either have to be highly avoidant of those topics OR be highly selective of how I am in community with queer people. I look forward to a future where we prioritize children and reject social prescriptions, so that everyone (but especially queer people) can build families in ways that honor a child’s right to know their ancestors and ancestry. There are so many ways to have a family and care for a child.

An adoptive parent who has a teen writes – there are a lot of LGBTQ foster kids that are not understood or accepted the way they should be and would find solace in a home like yours, especially kids that are aging out. They face homelessness and trafficking. If you’re willing to consider kids that are old enough to consider their orientation, you could be a great resource to them in a world that is often not friendly or encouraging.

One writes from experience – I’m what’s known as a “half adoptee”/NPE (not parent expected), I was lied to about who my father was and kept away from him and his family, and the trauma from this isn’t comparable to full adoption but still informed my family planning decisions. I want my children to have access to their entire family.

My wife and I asked a good friend of ours to be our known donor, and take on a semi-parent role where he doesn’t really have any responsibility except to be in their lives. It’s been great, his parents are amazing and doting grandparents, our daughters have so much love and know exactly who they are, where they come from, where all their features and personality quirks came from, all with no confusion. They have a mommy and daddy who agreed a new person should exist and made them together, and their mommy who did not help make them, has raised them with us out of pure love and happiness.

Their dad lived with us off and on at first but unfortunately has to live out of state now, which I regret, but I pack up our eldest and send her to him and the grandparents every time she gets a long school break and the little one will do this as well, when she’s old enough for extended (weeks long) stays.

Blogger’s note – that’s probably enough “perspectives” – just some thinking on this topic that has become quite visible in recent years.

Multiple Names Are Common

An adoptee writes – My adoption went through when I was almost 6 years old in 1969. I was born in 1964 (Just hit 60.). Has anyone else had multiple names?? I was born “Jacqueline Karen”. When I was relinquished at 2 days old, the social worker changed my name to “Lucy Allen”. She said that was common practice in those days to “Hide” the baby from the birth mother in case she came looking! At 5 months, I was placed with a potentially adoptive family who named me “Linda Jeanette”. They returned me to foster care just before I turned 4 and the foster family started calling me “Lindy”. This is the name I remember the most. About 6 months later I was as placed with the family that did adopt me and they changed my name to “Elizabeth Dianna”. For years, my adoptive mom told me my middle name was “Dianna” until one day, I was looking at my birth certificate and saw that she had actually named me “Elizabeth Dianne”! Clearly, it wasn’t about what I needed!! It was about what my foster parents and adoptive parents wanted! Who changes a child’s name this many times and why did the state allow it?? Ridiculous!! And then my adoptive mom couldn’t even remember my middle name! It definitely gave me some identity issues! I’m married to a Veterinarian (who is a great man-nothing against him), but I get introduced as “The Vet’s wife” all the time!! It gets under my skin!! Anyone else have their name changed this often??

Blogger’s note – Surnames in the story above removed to protect the poster’s identity. I read recently in LINK>The Guardian that “A new documentary aims to add depth to the story of the singer-songwriter (June Carter Cash) who was often just referred to as the wife of Johnny Cash.”

I (the blogger) replied to the woman above with my own family history – My adoptee dad had his name changed when he was 8 years old. His adoptive mother had divorced the man she was married to, when she adopted my dad at 8 months old from the Salvation Army. He was named Thomas (after the adoptive father) Patrick Swearingen, when they first altered his original birth certificate and a new one was issued. She re-married and changed my dad’s name to Gale Patrick Hart (each time after his adoption, his first name was also the adoptive “father’s” name). When that second “father” died (the adoptive mother died first), my dad found his adoption papers. His original name was Arthur Martin Hempstead – after his birth father, Rasmus Martin Hansen (an immigrant not yet a citizen, who was a married man who never knew his affair resulted in the conception of my dad). Hempstead was his unwed mother’s surname.

As an aside, because my mom was also an adoptee, when my dad wanted to tease her, he would call her by her birth name – Frances Irene.

If I Wasn’t Poor . . .

Poverty and homelessness are associated with the break-up of families. A number of studies have documented that children in families who experience homelessness frequently become separated from their parents.
~ National Institutes of Health Study

From LINK>Human Rights Watch –
“If I Wasn’t Poor, I Wouldn’t Be Unfit”

It has been more than two years since Adaline Stephens’ six children were removed from her care and placed in the foster system. Her nightmare began on a night like any other. Her 9-year-old son, Elijah, was dancing in the kitchen and slipped on some water, injuring his hip. “I rushed him to the emergency room when he got hurt,” Adaline said. “The doctors asked me questions, and I told them everything. I trusted them to help him.” Adaline was shocked when she learned that her son’s medical providers reported her to child protective services for suspected abuse, triggering a cascade of state interventions that irreparably harmed her children and their family bond.

The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) launched an investigation. A caseworker visited the children’s school and pulled them from class to question them, came to the home unannounced, and randomly strip searched the children, ages 1, 4, 7, 9, and 10, to check their bodies for signs of abuse. Adaline said these visits were so frightening for her children that her youngest child began screaming every time she saw anyone with a badge.

Adaline was required to take a drug test, a requirement often—and disproportionally—imposed on Black mothers. She has scoliosis and spina bifida. Her doctor prescribed Percocet for the pain, but it was damaging her liver and stomach lining. “I made the decision to change to medical marijuana, which was better for my health,” she said. She tested positive for THC (the active substance in marijuana, and the chemical responsible for most of its psychological effects). “They stated that my marijuana usage rendered me incapable of providing 24-hour care to my children,” she said.

Adaline knew what was at stake. She was removed from her own parents’ care as a child and grew up in the foster system. Afraid that her children would be taken from her, Adaline agreed to six months of follow-up with the caseworker, weekly drug testing, and parenting classes, in exchange for keeping her children home with her.

In the meantime, Adaline gave birth to her youngest child. The birth was complicated because of her spinal conditions, and she had to use a wheelchair and walker for two months. During that time, she rescheduled one of Elijah’s follow-up appointments. Adaline said DCFS told her they found bed bugs in a couch and holes in the walls in of her home. (Blogger’s note – it is like they look for any excuse . . .)

Days before her case was set to be reviewed, Adaline was informed that a judge had ordered the children be removed from her custody due to the condition of the home and because she rescheduled her son’s appointment.

Her children, including her infant son, were removed from her care, separated from each other, and placed in foster homes. Four of the six children have experienced abuse in the foster system and are coping with serious mental health impacts, Adaline said. One of her sons had to be admitted to a mental health facility for inpatient care. The children remain in the foster system at time of writing, and Adaline is fighting to get them back.

“This situation has caused me so much pain, anger, and trauma from the separation from my children,” she said. “I just want my purpose back. I knew I wanted to be a mother and that’s all I ever knew how to do. Please help me and my kids.”

The truth is – One in three children in the United States will be part of a child welfare investigation by age 18. Every three minutes a child is removed from their home and placed in the foster system. Black children are almost twice as likely to experience investigations as white children and are more likely to be separated from their families. As a result, more than 200,000 children enter the foster system each year.

While the US child welfare system’s stated purpose is to improve child safety, permanency and well-being, and child welfare workers believe they are defending children’s rights to health and life, but too often system interventions too often unnecessarily disrupt family integrity and cause harm to the very children they aim to protect.

Before It’s Too Late

No easy answers to today’s story – I was adopted at birth. Back in 2009, my birth mother was contacted by the adoption agency on my behalf about initiating contact. I was about 27 at the time. She told them it was too hard for her to open up that part of her life again, cried and said I’m loved and hopes I’m happy and healthy and provided a brief family medical history. In her defense, they called her at work out of the blue.

I’ve left it at that the last 15 years. Part of me respected her position on it and had empathy, part of me obviously felt so confused and rejected, and part of me is still mad that it’s all her decision. Through the craziest of circumstances and coincidences, I’ve learned that I know multiple people that know her (she has no idea I know who she is) and have been blessed with the vast majority of my questions answered and I know a lot about her and her family. Recently, someone told me they think she’s going through cancer treatment. Been thinking about reaching out and wondering if anyone has done that after being shut down in the past.

One who was adopted by their stepfather writes – I didn’t find out I was adopted by who turned out to be my stepdad until I was 26 and fully by accident. I reached out to my birth dad and was shut down. Years later I, found out through the grapevine he has leukemia. In my heart, I was wanting to help him, so I reached out again. This time the door was slammed so hard that I never emotionally recovered. Based solely on my personal experience, my advice is she meant what she said and leave it or risk being hurt again.

Another adoptee writes – I was rejected by my biological mom after we had been in reunion and I’m not sure I’ve ever recovered either. I’m so sorry. I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone. It sucks that it’s this club we are in!

Another adoptee suggests – What if you had someone reach out on your behalf, like a mediator? I think you will always wonder. You know what the worst case scenario is… get comfortable with it (as much as one can) and then go for it.

And another adoptee also – I’d take the risk, because you may never get a second chance. At least then, you’ll know either way how it plays out.

The original person responds – yeah, you’re probably right. I found my biological dad and family this year and just reached out to my brother on social media without a second thought. I was nervous but just said F it and did it. It’s been great! But, I do feel the parent relationship and particularly the mom is far more complicated on both sides.

Then one from experience – I say do it. My mother died of cancer and I was sorry that we never made peace before she passed. If she doesn’t want to connect with you, at least you tried and you will have that much peace with the circumstances.

A transracial adoptee writes – I would try again. Definitely be prepared for rejection, though. Both of my bios seemed interested in a relationship, then changed their minds. It is pretty awful and heartbreaking.

One who grew up in foster care writes – I didn’t meet my biological father until I was an adult and I put it off when I was 18 because I wasn’t ready. Sadly, he died 2 years later and I do wonder if I should have been more open and met earlier, we would have had more time. The bottom line is, because you’re asking and wondering, you don’t seem to have complete closure, and you deserve that. No matter the outcome, if you try again and even say everything you want to say, maybe write a letter, and get to say that you just want to get to know her with no expectations or that you’re not upset with her or whatever you truly feel, or that you won’t ever reach out again but you had to try one last time… whatever you want to say … get it off your chest, give yourself that chance and that closure.

The original person responds – Yes, this is exactly what I’ve wanted to do for the last 15 years. Not knowing exactly how to know – did she even receive my request ? When the agency recapped the conversation, it felt like she thought I was gunning for her. Like I was showing up to say, “why did you do this to me?” She got pregnant her senior year and I’ve seen pictures of her at that time. She was such a child and I strongly feel she didn’t have a choice in the matter. There are so many things I want to tell her but I want to be certain she sees it, so I’m not wondering about that forever.

A birth mother adds a hopeful and realistic note – A lot can change in 15 years. She might really want to be reunited right now but life keeps getting in the way. Or maybe she doesn’t want to burden you with her recent diagnosis.

2024 – May It Be A Good One

I will still be here throughout the coming year. I hope that reforms to how adoption is practiced and foster care is administered continue to progress and make lives better for biological, genetic parents and the children they conceive and birth.

So for 2024, I wish – May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. May all beings rejoice in the well-being of others. May all beings live in peace, free from greed and hatred. In this way, the four immeasurables are a path for reforms.

If you don’t want your happiness to impede that of someone else, practice the four immeasurables – loving kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity.

No Leniency

Sadly, it happens. A woman was sentenced to prison and is due to deliver in 6 weeks. She had hoped for leniency, but that didn’t happen. The minimum is a 15 year sentence, her earliest parole is 2031. She has no family who can take the baby (or be approved to take the baby) and she doesn’t know who the dad is. Her only option is foster care or adoption. She has been told by her attorney and by Child Protective Services (CPS) that CPS will need to sign off on any placement she picks. Due to her crimes and what happened, 99% of her friends have backed away from her, so there are no friends willing to take her baby. CPS will be notified the minute the baby is born and will take custody. She has a public defender for an attorney, admitted guilt and took a plea to get the minimum available.

One response – access to information is going to be the first step. Make certain she fully understands how her institutionalization will impact the kid’s systemic involvement. But you have to be up front and realistic. Once she is in the custody of the state, she has very minimal legal rights over the child because she’s classified as a dependent of the state and that’s always been their tool to remove or restrict civil rights and liberties from people. Her child will be adopted, if there are zero kin to step up for the baby. There’s not a state in the country that wouldn’t move for a termination of parental rights for an incarcerated parent with such a long sentence. This is a tragic situation where there are basically no options. Her rights will be terminated and the child will be adopted.

Someone else noted that foster care and adoption are likely not actually her only options. Depending on how involved the state already is (hopefully less because the child isn’t born yet) she can likely assign a non-family legal guardian through the duration of her prison stay. Legal advice ASAP is crucial. In my state, she would be able to sign power of attorney over as soon as baby is born and keep the Dept of Family Services from even stepping in – as a temporary situation at first, until a guardianship could be set up.

Yet, it is noted that because of the situation and history, CPS must approve the placement chosen and her attorney has said the chances of them even considering a private placement outside of an adoption are almost zero.

One person noted that even the most distant of relatives may feel compelled to help, if she gets the word out that she’s searching for someone with any familial connection to assume guardianship of the child. She shared this story – I know of a family who wound up adopting a child because the parents’ rights were terminated – child was put in foster care because no one in the family would or could take the child. The adopting family only found out about the child through the grapevine because of a very distant familial connection – it was one of the adoptive parent’s distant cousin’s or great uncle’s great-grandchild or something crazy like that. The adoptive parents didn’t personally know the parents and had no knowledge the child even existed but was able to get the child out of the system because of the very distant familial relationship. They felt compelled to get the child out of the system because even though they didn’t know the child or parents – the child was “family.” These adoptive parents were also past the age of “typical” parents – they have grown kids and are old enough to have grandkids or great grandkids.

One brings up the possibility of a conditional surrender. She would still have visits with baby until adoption and she could do the terms of a surrender to require legally binding visits until baby is 18. It is an agreement between parent and adopters (both sides have to agree to the terms). If adopters don’t follow the agreement, the parent can take them to court. As far as what the courts can/will do, that is an open question until it happens but the courts do have the power to enforce it because it’s a legal agreement. However, sadly all it takes is the adopters with a good child psychologist to go back to the judge later on and say it’s detrimental to the child to continue those visits.

And maybe it won’t actually be 15 years. One shared – What we learned after the fact having had no experience with the prison system, our son’s mother was sentenced for 15 yrs in federal with no option for parole. We assumed there was no leniency based on what her lawyer said. Now at 3 years in, she only has about 2-4 years left. I would highly recommend temporary guardianship.

And then there was this story with a happier ending – Someone I know ran multiple ancestry databases on her newborn because she was facing prison time with no viable caregiver in her family. She had casual flings during that period with no way to contact the potential fathers. She was able to narrow it down to a family. Several awkward phone calls later, she found the father. He eventually took custody (I think his brother and sister-in-law were involved for a bit too and they were foster parents, so an easier time of getting CPS approval initially, while the formal paternity testing was being done. She gave birth while out on bond before her trial. This process may be harder if the person you are helping has the baby in a jail or prison setting where she cannot access DNA kits. And the reply was – sadly, she is already incarcerated. And so this – Some states allow lawyers to petition for a DNA sample from the baby to narrow down paternity. She may need to work with a legal team knowledgeable about foster care and incarceration. I know it’s a long shot, but if it pans out the baby may have the possibility to be with relatives.

Why Does It Surprise You ?

From a Transracial Infant Adoptee – When you adopt, you are not disillusioned to the reality of privilege. In a lot of cases, you know the situation surrounding the reason adoption is being chosen, and the circumstances. So when your adult adoptees eventually come back and question everything, why does it surprise you ? Why is there such a need to gaslight them about the truth behind their origins ? Or determine the narrative for them ? You knew coming into all of this where they came from and you should have known the trauma you would be placing on them, if you participated. So why is it such a shock when they decide to see the child trafficking for what it is ? Or the fact that you gained from the tearing apart of a family ? As an adult adoptee, all of the above truly does baffle me. If anything, I would expect adoptive parents to be the most sympathetic, empathetic and empowering individuals that they could be. Rather than shocked, butt hurt & defensive about a situation they themselves created. Especially in regards to the child fully recognizing what the industry is and the trauma it intentionally inflicts.

One adoptee responded – I think they forget that we grow up ! Oh, and of course, they believe they are different.

The original poster wanted responses from adoptive parents and one answered – In all 3 of my cases, I knew the circumstances as they were told to me. 2 cases ended up being much worse and one was slightly different. My adult adoptees have not come back to question because they were told their story from birth, and retold as often as they wanted to hear it. As adults, the two older ones have been in contact with birth family. They were given all the truths I knew. Yes, we knew that raising adopted children would cause them different emotions, thought, feelings than raising biological children. Not one of my 3 have compared their adoption to child trafficking, so I have not had that shock to deal with. I have admitted since the first day I held my first child all that I have gained. The biological moms were not teenagers and were not without resources. All of the adoptive parents I personally know are sympathetic, empathetic and empowering individuals. I know that is not true in all cases. I’m so very sorry that so many adoptees have had such traumatic experiences. And I’m thankful that there are groups where adoptees can share what they experienced with others to lean on. There are times when adoption is the best solution for a child to have a stable home. If anyone comments, I will gladly respond.

Another adoptee suspects – Some adoptive parents are so blinded by their “need” for a child that they become deluded and believe that the adoptee is truly “as if born to” and should gratefully play along with their own delusion. They don’t want to discuss the adoptee’s start in life and family because it threatens their delusion.

And one who was in foster care from birth and then put into a forced adoption at age 10 during the LINK>Baby Scoop Era in a closed adoption writes – I also think that too many adoptive parents (and hopeful adoptive parents) really do not recognize the crucial part that they play in an adoption – the rewards are theirs – the power dynamics are theirs too (once the adoption is finalized and they get what they wanted, including name changes, erasure of first family and a new birth certificate that proclaims them as the owners). They keep telling themselves that they are doing it all in the ‘best interests of the child’ (or baby). But is it really ? Could they have imagined a different way to help ? To care for and love ? Could they have fought harder for Legal Guardianship instead ? Can they make the promise that they will do everything possible (and really mean that) ASAP to discover the child’s natural family, heritage, family medical information and to keep the child’s own culture and needs truly front and center as a focus, while that is child is being raised outside of their own genetic, biological family ? Unless an adoptive parent is willing to go all in and do that – they will be shocked when the youth (or adult adoptee) scorns or derides their actual intent notes that they are an integral part of the broken system that helps to keep it chugging along.

All I Want For Christmas

Is any body’s baby

I loved the magic and happy ending in a story that was published in The Guardian – LINK>I found a baby on my doorstep on Christmas Day. I liked that the woman’s first thought was – “There’s someone out there who loves you. I’m sure of it.”

Then, she added – “But if there isn’t, then I will love you. It will be OK, I promise.” It was as if he understood, because he stopped crying. It was 2017 and her own son was only five weeks old. So, she was not experiencing infertility and wanting someone else’s baby but her mothering instincts simply kicked in. She wondered – “How could anyone have abandoned a child, especially when it was -1C outside?” (30 degrees for those of us who use Fahrenheit measurements.)

She notes – “I was sure there was a mother out there looking for him, as he’d responded to the kindness in my voice. But some part of me was also preparing for the alternative. I even thought about fostering classes I might have to take.”

The police arrived with the baby’s mother in their car – “She flew up our steps in a split second, took him from my arms and seemed to collapse over him, sobbing.”

Turns out that the mother and baby lived nearby. After putting her son in the car that morning, she’d realized that she hadn’t locked her front door. In the second she stepped away, a teenage boy had stolen the car. Discovering the baby in the back seat, he panicked. One wonders that he chose this house to leave the baby at. The woman ends her story – “I don’t know if some higher power meant for us to take care of the baby that day. But I’ll always be thankful we were there to open the door when the knock came.”

Some Thoughts On Better Options

An adoptee in my all things adoption group asks – I am always seeing posts on how adoption is wrong, or it should not happen. But what is the better option ? I definitely think with biological parents it is best, but that is not always the option. So what would be the solution to that ? Family ? But what if that is not a good option ? No kid should be in an orphanage or a state group home. I don’t think foster care homes are good either. I had 7 aunts/uncles all put in homes (I was able to find them all and put them back together, connecting wise) but in the homes, not one had a good story. Knowing what we have all been through, what would be the best situation for kids that don’t have any biological family/parents ? As adults that have been through this, how do we try to change this or make it better for the younger ones who are going to be born into this ?

Some responses –

One adoptee answers – by creating a society where adoption is not necessary. By having access to healthcare, education and supporting families by having paid family leave, child care, affordable housing & medical. When these things are met – then let’s see how many children need to be adopted.

I will leave the accusations in the comment below, which turned out to be unfair, yet the points made were valid (the woman who asked was a adoptee and did not adopt her child, though she adds, “I have been a guardian to kids that have needed it, some through the courts, some just stayed with us when their situation needed a place.”) – Clearly YOUR kid has a natural mom, so they HAD birth parents and family. Why aren’t they with you ? Was it financial ? Then, the answer would be more financial support, perhaps even a Universal Basic Income (blogger’s note – I am in favor of that one), free daycare, etc. If the parents were killed or in jail or otherwise … there are (*)usually – Do not “not all” me – (*) extended family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins … they can be a guardian for the child.

From a kinship placement/guardian – If adopted, no changing the birth certificates. Instead of changing birth certificates issue a document of adoption to show who can make legal decisions for the child. Change names only when absolutely necessary (I can’t think of an instance where it would be necessary, but there may be some reasonable situation). That’s a start.

From another adoptee – If you are ever going to adopt (I don’t see why adoption is so necessary when we can do guardianship and it’s perfectly normal) YOU don’t get the luxury of saying that baby is part of your family, period. He or she HAS A WHOLE OTHER family and they can’t be erased and never will. The child can still be in your family and you can love them and treat them like your own! but they HAVE a family and always will. I feel like anybody who is even considering adoption should have their doors open for that baby’s family and/or culture. That’s just how it is. That’s how it’s supposed to be. They need to know where they come from.

She goes on to add – After having my son, I realized there are way more mothers than I had thought who all miss their babies. I realized that adoption was not for the natural mother’s benefit. Look at it like this, people say the baby won’t remember but when you think about it – actually think about it – of course they do, on some level. For example, blind people rely completely on their smell, scents, textures and noises. All people actually do. People with seeing eyes rely heavily on sight. When a baby is inside their mother, they recognize everything ! Her voice. The way her voice vibrates, her sound, her touch, her smell, all of that. And when you take a newborn baby who was just born away from all of that, it causes a trauma that can never be fixed. They may not remember the pictures in their head but their muscle memory will always have that piece that is missing. People try to glorify adoption because they haven’t been taught what it actually is or what it does to people. Also nobody wants to accept this hard truth.

The adoptee who started this said – I completely agree. My mom died when I was 3 days old. My dad died when I was 9 months old. My dad used to wear Old Spice. Well, my first and second adoptive fathers wore it when I meet them. Smell cannot be erased. (blogger’s note – that aftershave must have been very common, my dad used it too – very distinctive smell).