We Don’t Do Enough

Society doesn’t do enough to help struggling families.

From a “First Mother” (one who lost custody of her child).

She writes – Something I will never understand:

Foster Caregivers in Facebook “free” groups – asking/begging for bottles, pack-n-plays, diapers. Some asking for a child that they don’t even have in their care, yet “planning” on getting a baby. Some asking for clothes for next season, making plans to keep babies away from their parents.

This is seems to be perfectly acceptable, even praised as resourceful.

While biological families are shamed and torn apart for being in need of the same things.

Seven Core Issues

I’ve not actually read this book but learned about it today. It comes highly recommended by many and who have actually read it and is rated right up there with The Primal Wound and Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. Also Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self. So, I thought I should share it. I was happy to see that the book also covers Third Party Reproduction (in fact the book includes donor insemination and surrogacy).

Originally published in the 1980s, it was ahead of it’s time. One adoptee says, it is something that I wish my adoptive parents had read. The new edition has been updated and was released in 2019. The seven core issues are loss, rejection, guilt and shame, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control.

One person familiar with this book said it was “A classic and foundational to the way I think about these issues and the importance of reform in adoption practices.”

At Amazon it is said – “the first conceptual framework of its kind to offer a unifying lens that was inclusive of all individuals touched by the adoption experience.” It is further noted that – “Attachment and trauma are integrated with the Seven Core Issues model to address and normalize the additional tasks individuals and families will encounter.” The book also claims to access “a range of perspectives including: multi-racial, LGBTQ, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, African-American, International,” as well as those that cover openness, search and reunion.

Penny Callan Partridge, Co-founder in 1973 of the Adoption Forum of Philadelphia, wrote – “For decades, I have been responding to these ‘seven core issues’ as an adopted person, as a parent by adoption, as a poet. Now I imagine myself as a therapist trying to help someone in the adoption constellation. I would definitely want this book close at hand.”

Another, Keith Silverstein, a voice actor and adoption advocate, noted – “As an adopted person, I’m very familiar with the seven core issues, both comprehensively and experientially. Yet even with my prior knowledge, there was a deeper understanding to be attained through the pages of this book. Having had the pleasure to work with and consider both Sharon and Allison my friends, I’ve seen first hand the passion they have for adoption and helping children find permanence. Their collective expertise, contained here, is, in my opinion, the gold standard for understanding and working towards permanence in adoption.”

Like An Avalanche

“The point was, I didn’t deserve my son to be taken.”

When my two sons were young, I had a constant fear of losing them to the state without cause. Thankfully, they are 19 and 22 and have never spent a day without at least one of their parents. Others are not so lucky. Today, I read a story in The Guardian about a mother who could not believe how fast the tables turned on her. LINK>’No matter what I do, I’m not in control’: what happens when the state takes your child.

All she wanted was change for bus fare but the store clerk copped an attitude, so she left (that’s her side of the story and I’m not here to question it). I do find what happened next tragic. The clerk made a “keep the peace” call to the police. When the police confronted her, she was on her way to work, pushing her young son’s stroller across the street. They arrested her for disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and obstruction. Basically, they didn’t appreciate her challenging their authority. In their report, they indicated that they would have let her go, if she had not protested.

It could have been worse, since Child Protective Services (CPS) initially placed her son with her brother. However, not informally as a temporary caregiver while she was locked up but formally, with the intention of allowing the state to take legal custody. This was even though, the doctor who examined the little boy wrote that he showed no concerns for neglect or injury. Nevertheless, the doctor authorized CPS to hold him for 72 hours, while the agency prepared to petition the court for custody. That’s how fast it happened. CPS hadn’t been in her life that morning but the situation didn’t just snowball; it came down on her like an avalanche.

From jail, her phoned her brother only to discover it was worse than at first believed. He told her that CPS had taken her son. “They said I couldn’t see him,” she later recalled. “I don’t have custody. I don’t have rights. Nothing.” So even though her criminal case was closed when the charges were dropped, the involvement of CPS wasn’t so easy to leave behind.

Forcible family separation – among the most extreme and intrusive of government actions – occurs much more often than many realize, particularly among Black and Native American families. One in eleven Black children and one in nine Native American children will be placed in foster care by the age of 18. Families come to CPS’s attention due to issues such as substance misuse, domestic violence, mental health needs, and homelessness. Most lack sufficient resources to address their challenges. Family separation essentially punishes parents and children for their poverty and adversity.

Foster care traumatizes children; forcible family separation generates immense pain and trauma for their parents. People’s everyday experiences as they interact with the state – whether public benefits programs, police, and schools, etc – fundamentally shapes what they know and think about government, inequality, and justice. Taking children has always been a political act that targets marginalized racial/ethnic groups to maintain power over them. Family separation teaches affected mothers that the state is an adversary, working against them, given their marginal social positions. CPS gives parents, especially mothers, first-hand experience with an antagonistic, controlling government. Caseworkers, attorneys, and judges claim to help, but in most of these mothers’ experiences, those officials are working against their interests. Mothers don’t see anyone on their side.

For the woman in this story, the path for get her son home became long and arduous, with CPS repeatedly adding obstacles. CPS wanted her to demonstrate “progress” – as they defined it – in her ability to parent. The clock was ticking: per federal law, once children have spent 15 of the last 22 months in foster care, states are supposed to start the process of terminating parental rights permanently. Parents with limited resources face substantial, often essentially insurmountable, burdens to meet CPS’s requirements. It felt like as soon as mothers met one request, CPS added another. Their cases kept getting continued in court. Meanwhile, their kids were growing up.

Finally, a judge ordered that her son could go home – even though as far as she could tell, her situation hadn’t changed. What had changed was she had simply been assigned to a different judge, one who saw no reason her son couldn’t go home. And she figured her caseworker had grown tired of dealing with her. “I can’t even believe they took two years of my life,” she sighed. “They took two years of my son’s life that I can’t get back.”

In the US, CPS puts hundreds of thousands of parents each year through this devastating experience. Certainly, these parents are often experiencing substantial adversity; they cannot always meet children’s needs in their current circumstances. Nevertheless, all deserve to be treated with dignity; all ought to have a say.

Photos on Social Media

I will admit that I have not been overly cautious about my privacy on social media. I’m a bit more cautious about my husband and children. I rarely mention names but on occasion have posted photos of my sons – but not frequently. Things become a bit more controversial when adoptees (especially young ones) are the focus.

I read this today and thought it was worth sharing here – Is it okay to share pictures of adopted children on secure/controlled social media, that’s managed by me until they are old enough to do it themselves, with only their biological family added to the account to view the pictures.

I’ve asked this question in other groups and the majority answer given by adoptees was NO, it’s not okay to share pictures of children on Social Media without their consent. I fully understand this and don’t want to do anything without the children giving consent. That said it did kind of turn into a lot of mixed things being said that I’ve been thinking about over the past few months.

The main rebuttals to not doing it were:

1. Children shouldn’t have their pictures shared without their consent. So much has already been done to adoptees without their consent and adoptive parents shouldn’t add to that.

2. Social Media is scary and can be used by malicious people for predatory reasons.

3. Once it’s on the internet it’s always there and the children might feel like they’ve been violated by so much being shared.

4. Some technology advice was given.

5. Social Media can easily lead to oversharing the adoptees story.

6. Many adoptive parents use their adoptive stories as click bait to get likes/self validation.

That said the majority of adoptees seemed to appreciate my rationale and saw that I was trying to build/maintain family connections. Because of that many gave suggestions for picture sharing such as:

1. Continue to text/email pictures

2. Continue to develop pictures and put them into photo albums and give them in person during meetups/etc.

I appreciate all the feedback I was given and have taken a few months to think it over. I’m still torn if I’m being honest and was hoping by providing clarification on my thoughts it might add insight and promote further discussion to aid my understanding/decision.

If I were to share on Social Media, it would be a locked account that everyone involved knows I’m managing until the children are old enough to take it over themselves. It would never be my personal social media. I’ve never shared anything on my personal social media aside from private groups and even then, I try my best to keep it vague because the entire world doesn’t need to know – not just my life, but so many other people’s personal business, especially the children involved.

My reasoning for still considering this is:

1. There are barriers to texting/emailing pictures such as data limits on phones, phone numbers changing, me never knowing if – me texting pictures when it’s a convenient time for me – might not be a convenient time for the person on the receiving side. I worry that therefore I might be causing harm despite having good intentions. Also, with email limits on how many pictures can be sent, even then, my program struggles to go through – no matter if I try on my phone or computer. With emails it forces me to use Dropbox at times and the pictures expire in 30 days. Also the second I send a text or email it can easily be uploaded to Social Media. Which I don’t mind, I don’t feel that it’s my place to try and set limits on what others do with pictures of their family. (I’m mindful of the pictures being sent and don’t send weird bathtub pictures or things like that.)

2. There are also barriers to sharing physical pictures. Anytime I’ve shared a picture by either text/email, I also get a physical copy made and do my best to get them to as many people as I can, when I can. Despite my best efforts there are some people who end up with a lot more than others. Asking family to meet up with an adoptive parent to see their family either in person or on calls isn’t an easy ask. Although it’s easy to assume that it’s good for them because at least they get something, it’s also very hard. I can’t imagine seeing your family, loving them, then seeing them cry when it’s time to go because they don’t get to go with you and have to go with their adoptive parent, or just having to see them leave with essentially a stranger, with or without tears. There are many reasons/possibilities but the fact is, I’m able to see conflicts with some more than others, therefore some get a lot of pictures and others don’t. Another barrier to physical pictures are that they can be lost. Also physical pictures can easily be scanned by any phone and shared to social media. If pictures are lost, there’s not much I can do other than reprint them. With scanned pictures there’s not much I can do, and again I don’t think it’s my place to try to tell someone what to do with pictures of their family.

3. There is also a huge bonus for me with sharing on Social Media. It would make it a lot easier for me to upload multiple pictures and share it with multiple people. Like everyone, I’ve got a lot going on. It’s easy for me to forget who got what pictures and accidentally leave someone out. If I could streamline my picture sharing process, it would give me more time to be present with the children, or not stay up late trying to do it all. I also wouldn’t have the worry/guilt of possibly forgetting someone. I’m fearful that I might say/do something to offend someone, therefore making it harder for them to want to deal with me in order to see the children while they are young and still need my help with facilitating all of this. I also think by sharing pictures with some of the people who haven’t been able to meetup with me and the children, for whatever reason, these would benefit too, and if their situation changes it might make it easier for them to contact me, therefore the children could possibly get more of their family.

With how fortunate we’ve been with having so many people who are willing to work with us, despite this being something no one involved wanted, I truly believe that my/our children will always have their family. I know as they get older they might feel differently about things. I don’t believe they would be upset about their pictures being shared with people they love, just like other non-adoptive kids don’t think much of their pictures being shared with their family & people they love. I could be wrong with that assumption though. I’ve involved them with picking out pictures, and who they are going to. They definitely don’t understand Social Media or the internet fully but they know their situation. They know when they were in foster care, the plan changed from reunification to adoption, that only changes things legally and no matter what – their family will always be exactly that, their family. When we think of things and explain them to the children it’s explained as there is my side of the family, my husband’s side of the family and their side of the family. They know their mom is their mom and I’m their adoptive mom, they know their aunts/uncles/grandparents and how they are related via Moms/Dads side. My intentions are to be as open, painfully honest and as factual as possible with them, always – even when I make mistakes and am wrong.

I’ve got some lived experiences being the daughter of an adoptee, who was forced to give her first child up to adoption in the Baby Scoop Era. I’m a former foster care young and now an adoptive parent. At times, all of this has given me insight/perspective but also it might hinder my current situation due to my own past. When I’ve asked this question in other adoptee led groups. The majority answer was no, don’t do it without consent, so I’ve respected their advice and haven’t done it. But there’s still a part of me that wants to. I’m not sure, if this is me challenging the status quo’s or if it’s really about me and my ego? I definitely like the idea of challenging the status quo because that’s what I’m always trying to do, but am not sure?

If you’ve made it through all of this I really appreciate the time it took you to read through all of this. Thank you for attempting to understand my perspective and offering any help.

One adoptee commented with this – Your assertion that your adopted children won’t mind their photos being shared because natural children don’t mind is weird. You have literally no way of knowing how they will feel as adults. We’ve made the choice not to share our recent child on social media and to stop posting our older child as well.

And she also offered this suggestion – We use a shared digital photo album. I have an iPhone and set up the album to share with all of our close friends and family. They can react the photos and leave comments, you can write captions on the photos too.

What I Never Experienced

Today I read this sad admission from an adoptee who was also formerly in foster care –

Ya know what breaks my heart? Is knowing that I’ve missed out on some cool things as a kid and thinking that nobody else will get it.

I hate talking to people who’ve experienced fun things as kids because they are always baffled that I had never experienced it.

I’ve never been able to go into a costume store and say “this is what I want to be for Halloween.” Never got to trick or treat either. I’ve never been to an Easter egg hunt or gotten a basket from the Easter Bunny. I’ve never had a birthday at school, where someone brought the class cupcakes and everyone sang to me. My birthday is always during the school year. I’ve never been given money by the tooth fairy. I’ve never slept over at my grandparents house with my cousin. I’ve never even had a sleep over!

I never had a gift from Santa. Just donated items from the Division of Children and Families and churches. I don’t know many kid-like Christmas songs (Frosty, Rudolf, and whoever else, I don’t know) ! I don’t know many Christmas songs period. I don’t know any bedtime stories either. I don’t have a single baby pictures or childhood item that someone has held on to.

I hated family trees in school. I hated “all about me’s.”

I’m 19 now. I feel like I’ve missed out on everything due to being in foster care and then, being adopted. Even then, not having the cool experiences.

I have a bonus family (they took me in, when my adoptive parents let me go) and they’re so awesome. They have little kids and they are so excited for the holidays. They want to trap a ghost and have it as a pet. So they’re setting up fake ghosts in sheets and pretending there’s a ghost party, so they can trick the ghost. They asked me how to trap a ghost and I honestly had never heard of that. I just said I’ve never been able to do it yet, so we better plan a good party.

I went to my room and cried. I’ve always hated the holidays because everyone could share something cool they did during break and I always had to go to another room and read or color, so I didn’t feel bad about myself.

Now I’m 19 and so, I’ll never be a kid who gets to do all the kids things.

I see why people grow up and want nothing to do with others (blogger’s note – because we have no shared foundation of memories). I get it now. I get it.

Too Little Time To Succeed

Today’s story – I’m an adoptive parent of a 7 year old. “A” was taken into foster care at 3 months. She had visits with her mom for several months. Parental rights were terminated at about 18 months and they had their last visit. She was placed with me for adoption at 24 months. It took some time to get in contact with her mom, and we finally had our first visit when “A” was 3.5 years. A couple of missed visits, then COVID struck and slowed things down a lot. Thankfully, since she turned about 5.5, we’ve been spending time with her mom regularly, usually once every two weeks, and for the past eight months or so, I’ve usually left – so it’s been just them. We held birthday party jointly last spring, which was hard as we have very different values but also good and hopefully gets easier.

Increasingly, although I maybe always suspected, it’s clear to me that “A” shouldn’t have been removed from her mom. Basically, she didn’t know how to play Child Protective Services (CPS) games. And with a little more time and support, she could have parented. Definitely a case of a permanent solution being applied to a temporary problem. I do think she sometimes has made some unwise decisions, but so have I. I don’t think she poses any safety risk to “A”.

I’m increasingly wondering what’s really best for “A”. She is doing amazing in a lot of ways but has struggled with some challenging behaviors and as she’s getting older, it can no longer be dismissed as being on the normal spectrum of development. Of course, there are a lot of potential factors that we’re looking into, and I’m working to put in place sensory breaks and other accommodations at school, and I’m continuing to focus on building our attachment, but to some extent I wonder if these are just band-aids, if the real problem is being apart from her mom on a day-to-day basis. And if she doesn’t really need to be apart from her….? I’d appreciate responses from Adoptees – especially if you had a very open adoption – or first families.

While not the role she asked for – I did think this was an important point from a commenter. Just wanted to note that indeed it may not “solve” all the school problems. Maybe nothing ever will. Things will hopefully get better, absolutely. I just worry about framing any decision as possibly “solving” any “problem” behaviors for good. Sometimes expectations at school are in direct opposition to a child’s needs to thrive in an environment. Don’t let “solving her school problems” be a litmus test for your decision making.

Another not from the role but probably good advice – It sounds like you’re on the right track with nourishing a relationship between them. I’d include First Mom as much as possible in meetings and making decisions, such as IEP/school conferences and medical visits. If she’s included and reunification or guardianship becomes a possibility, she’ll be able to make informed decisions and it will be a much smoother transition for them.

Finally, from an adoptee – I had an open adoption and both me and my biological mom are neurodivergent. I also am a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) and past special education teacher. I would get “A” assessed by a specialist, not a MD as they often misdiagnose (it happened to me). Once there is a confirmed diagnosis, you can start the process of getting support such as IEP, OT, SLP, School Psychologist and there may be a BCBA in the school district as I saw you mentioned “challenging behaviors”. (NOTE: not all children need any of the above therapies to succeed. Case by case basis solely). If insurance is an issue (you can receive in home or clinic support outside of school, if needed), stick to school services. I do believe a lot of my behaviors growing up were related to my adoption trauma but also, I can look back and easily see all my diagnoses presented before I was diagnosed. Both contributed. I wish I had gotten diagnosed as a child to receive support sooner. Everything you’re doing seems to be benefitting “A”. I would ask mom how you can better support her and keep her definitely in the loop about getting “A” evaluated. There could be other diagnoses in the family you don’t know about. I do believe her adoption trauma has contributed and after working with children, teens and adults from 18 months to 19 years of age from all backgrounds I’ve realized, kids especially may not vocally be able to tell you what’s going on or how they feel, but their actions/behavior tell you. They can feel it inside, just may not be able to express it yet where you would understand. That was 100% me growing up. I hope this helps.

From someone else regarding laws surrounding reunification of a youth who has already been adopted – if a youth has been involuntarily relinquished for adoption, meaning CPS convinced a judge to terminate parental rights (TPR), it will be harder than if the parent relinquished voluntarily. But not impossible. For her mom to adopt her child back, she would need to pass an adoptive homestudy in your jurisdiction. Some jurisdictions disqualify a homestudy, if the adult has had a termination of parental rights, some don’t. If, she would have to make a very good case that the reasons leading to TPR are false or no longer apply, which typically means outside documentation (proof of steady employment, steady housing, AA attendance for the last 5 years, etc.) If “A” is staying with mom for any extended time periods, you can get an educational and/or medical power of attorney done that lets Mum make emergency decisions. (Note that there is a small but present risk of CPS involvement, if you do this, so you may want to contact a lawyer in your jurisdictions with all the details of the case.)

One adoptive parent shared – I know it is hard and my daughter’s mom is similar to yours. I learned what I must do and asked our daughter if she would like to return to her mom ? If I had asked when we first started access, when our daughter was 6, I know she would have wanted to go home. Now she is 15 and has opted for increased access, while remaining with me. I know that it is hard to fathom letting go but putting the child first is always the right thing to do.

From an adoptee – Best for “A” is access to her mom. Obviously, safe access and led by A at her pace. The openness is great, but I would also add therapy. Access to therapy while young is so helpful. It will also help you as you navigate the future.

From a mom who lost her child – I couldn’t figure out how to play CPS games, and my PSAT scores were in the 99th percentile. I didn’t even study until I got to college, because I was used to being able to succeed with minimal effort. With CPS, there wasn’t any set rules, or consistency, like the whole thing was set up to make parents just give up. I fought until I was TPR’d, but I can understand why a lot of parents just get overwhelmed and see the goals as impossible. CPS will just keep setting up new goals, or stall for time, then claim they can’t return the child because all the goals weren’t completed in time.

The no set rules and consistency is so on point. I have watched CPS change requirements and not notify parents. I have seen the parent doing the work get punished while the parent not complying with court orders gets praise. The more you see the system the more you see it is set up to take those children and not give them back. It is appalling AND they can lie without consequence.

An adoptee and reunified mom wrote – The thing you can’t say wouldn’t solve all the problems. The trauma already happened. But it might mitigate them. I’m not a child development specialist, so I really can’t be certain, but I know that reunification helped my child. And reunion, even this late, is helping me with my own issues.

A therapist with years working the system said – live close and co-parent. Look to each person’s strengths and build on those. Consider relating like separated parents, figuring out who does what. If it seems that you are in a better position to support her school needs, then take the lead on that but include mom. Build up her capacity to do it.

An adoptive parent brings up an interesting, sometimes overlooked, issue – So is there a first dad in the picture? It could complicate things. For us one complication is the natural father who lives in a different country is against it. He only wanted us to adopt, not for first mom to get the kids back. So we don’t know how that will look in the future. Also this, there is no magic pill. Leaving the home the adoptees have known for years will be traumatic as well.

Rehoming

I’ve not read the book in the image above but the question came up – Can someone please explain the legality of adoption rehoming groups on Facebook and stuff like that? Like, I’m sure we all understand that’s literal child trafficking. But can someone help me understand how it’s legal?

One foster parent answered – It is my understanding that the agency that posts most of them (LINK>Second Chance Adoptions which is an offshoot of Wasach Adoption) is specifically licensed for this. I guess it is seen as no different than adopting an older child out of foster care for example. The agency can only adopt to specific states that allow it and all adopting families must be homestudied. I believe the agency itself operates out of Utah which has looser regulations than other states. That is not saying that I in any way agree with the practice.

One adoptee notes – It is heartbreaking and horrible on so many levels. Commodification of these children and looks like pet rescues — the worst part is how adoptive parents think that it’s a good thing to do… move a misbehaving puppy… I mean youth on to the next furever family. I cannot imagine the trauma and mental anguish that these children must endure.

Another adoptee chimes in – I often wonder how this is legal as well. Its totally disgusting and treats them like objects rather than people. Foster care/adoption fairs rub me the same way. Especially when it comes to children that will already be extremely traumatized.

Someone more knowledgeable shares – it actually operates under the same laws that govern domestic infant adoptions (DIA) – it’s private domestic adoption, only difference is unlike private infant adoption there aren’t more hopeful adoptive parents than children, which is reflected in the fees (and makes one wonder just who is pocketing the extra $30,000 for these adoptions). Any legal parent of a minor child of any age may privately place them for adoption through an accredited agency; the one difference is that each state sets an age that a child must consent to the adoption, which I believe is typically between 11-14. It really comes down to the fact our society treats children like property. What REALLY rubs me the wrong way is that (not unlike DIA, I guess) the current legal parents get to pick the new legal parents using whatever criteria they want. Like, if you’re dumping a kid, I don’t think you should be able to say – they can only be placed with a Bible-believing Protestant Cisgender family or whatever.

An adoptive parent acknowledges that – it is an absolutely horrid practice and so unregulated. Most “second chance adoptions” are not done this way, most are done over Craig’s List and other sites like that, leaving children so vulnerable and pedophiles are given a very easy way to welcome a child into their homes. It is disgusting and something that the American government needs to address and put a stop too. The idea that people adopt and then decide it isn’t working out for them is just something I don’t understand. Adoption is presented as a pretty package, when the reality is something very different, based alone on the trauma experienced by the adoptee.

Another adoptive parent asks – can biological parents stop parenting a “troubled youth” and place them for adoption? That doesn’t seem legal? If it isn’t legal, then it makes no sense at all that these rehoming adoptions would be. They are legally your children through adoption.

I tried googling that one’s question. It has long been possible to relieve one’s self of a troubled teenager by sending them to boarding schools (including military types) or wilderness type programs. These do not require the parents to terminate their parental responsibility. A court and/or child protective services intervention would be required to go that far – which might end in foster care but would not usually result in surrendering them for adoption (difficult to accomplish with an older child anyway – most age out of foster care). I’m certainly not the one to offer legal advice, just my intuition from what I have encountered over time.

No Man In Sight

At least one mom in my own mom’s group decided to have a child with no man in sight. For same sex female couples who want children but want to be ethical about doing the right thing, what are the options ? One offers her experience.

I’m a queer parent to a donor-conceived child and also have adopted kids through foster care.

The topic has come up before but is always interesting to me and just inherently homophobic—that women who have conceived a child by having sex are encouraged to keep and raise the child – no matter what: mental health issues, extreme poverty, abusive partners—but then, queer people are told there’s no ethical way to have a child. So somehow sex with a man makes it ethical and idealized?? So having sex gives you a right to parent – no matter what, and if you can’t get pregnant by having sex, you have no right to have children and should go mentor kids….there’s just no way to view this stance as anything but homophobia.

The ethics of sperm donation, in my opinion, based on learning from donor conceived people and also my experience as someone abandoned by my father, is that anonymous sperm donation is not ethical. I chose to conceive with a known donor who has no interest in parenting/co-parenting but is a known and present figure in our lives. [blogger’s note – I agree that any reproductive donors ought to be known. Every person should have access to their genetic background.]

Fostering is a different story. When we went into it, we were open to adopting (if things went that way) but really tried to approach it as us supporting a family in crisis by being that safe healthy person who could watch the kid(s) until the parents got back on their feet. We fostered 8 children and have adopted 4, which statistically is in line with our state’s averages that 50% of placements reunify. Our first adoptee has 3 siblings in two different families, neither of which was willing to take her. Our second adoption is a sibling set of three, with few healthy family members, a lot of criminal involvement and in incarceration, and years of trying to find a way for parents or family to be a resource. There were only a couple of healthy family members but they were unwilling to take on 3 young children. Unlike the usual assumptions, we had zero plans to adopt them and would have gladly welcomed family for them. Yet if we didn’t adopt them, they would have been moved again to non-relatives, which would have increased their trauma, so we did the right thing for them. I don’t say this for any accolades—I say it because the reality for these kids is that at this moment in time, we’re their best option.

So yes, in my opinion, there are ways to ethically raise children, even if you can’t have sex with a man.

When “Mom” Isn’t Mom

Today’s story is not from the source of the image above but seemed to fit anyway. It begins with – “I’m struggling so much with the hurt feelings of the biological mom.”

In 2020, my littles (ages 4 and 5 – siblings) were removed from their biological mom and initially lived with their grandma. I was a childcare provider in a large daycare center and they were in my toddler classroom (they were only 1 and 2 years old at the time). These siblings were super attached to each other, the older one protecting their younger sibling. They had trauma and food insecurity, neglect etc. I bonded with these two kids and loved having them in my class.

Then one day, after about 6 months into being in my classroom, they were abruptly given up by their Grandma (she was really struggling with the behaviors of the older one and was already raising her older two grandchildren from the same biological mom). She just couldn’t handle it anymore. So they were just gone one day, and the caseworker didn’t give us at the daycare very much info. I assumed at the time they were together. This was summer 2021.

Fast forward to Autumn 2022 and I bumped into the younger sibling with her foster family at a pumpkin patch and instantly started looking for the older sibling. I found out they had been separated and placed into separate foster homes, and more than once because they were deemed behavioral problems. I emailed Child Protective Services and did some digging. I offered both a home together with me and my own biological kids (5, 16 and 17). I did all the paperwork and training and the siblings moved in Jan 2023.

Here’s the dilemma, in the 2.5 years they were in the foster care system, their biological mom has done nothing to achieve reunification. She does show up for some visits, I think 7 total in the whole year. I applied for sole custody (decision making responsibilities) and she agreed, both fathers are incarcerated. She does believe she’ll get them back some day. I’ve offered them a permanent stable home and I will continue to supervise visits with her and the children, when she’s able to make it to visits. I’ve agreed to at least once a month, but it’s understood that at this time, I will be raising these children.

Both children started calling me “mom” within a couple months of moving in. At first I corrected them but it really hurt their feelings and I realized these kids just need a “mom” in title and I absolutely love them as if they’re my own. They also have chosen to call their biological mom by her first name, even though I always refer to her as Mommy. This is something they’ve been doing since before they moved in with me. This hurts her feelings so much and she spends much of the visit correcting them, which frustrates them.

How do I handle this gracefully? Or is this just going to be something that we’ll be living with? The children also run to me if they’re injured or scared and she’s gotten upset about that too. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but something has to give. In almost three years, she hasn’t become stable enough to care for them. She has suffered from addiction but is currently clean. I’m proud of her for achieving this but I’m scared the kid’s behavior towards me will trigger a relapse.

I’m open to all suggestions on how others may have navigated this part of the journey. Thanks!

One person shared – We try to honor all the mothers our niece and nephew have had. We refer to them as “momma – first name.” I’m momma Krista, they also refer to their bio mom and prior foster moms in the same manner. Perhaps this would be a good middle ground?

An adoptive mother notes – This is an emotionally tough situation, for everyone involved. It sounds like you are being flexible and respectful to all involved, and holding space for the kids to maneuver and decide for themselves what they need. I suspect it will continue to be an evolution.

Another one writes – I think this is a great time to have a conversation with her alone as suggested. It sounds as if she trusts you as a caregiver which is a huge plus. First/birth parents often struggle with seeing their children call another person mommy/daddy. And they do see themselves as being in a position someday to parent again. They typically experience significant loss and it can be a gut punch, regardless of the decisions that have created this unfortunate situation. Approach it from a standpoint of letting her know you are not trying to take her title, however young children will naturally gravitate to using mom/dad because they have to label people. We all do. They are also hearing your other children call you mom and its natural for them to do the same. Let her know that your only goal is to provide love, guidance and support for the children. See if she is ok with them calling you mommy Tish and them calling her mommy “her name”. This may not feel good but it may be a middle ground. Those babies do see you as mom. You are their safety and comfort. They don’t understand all the other stuff, so it makes sense that it would confuse them. This will be a challenging situation but helping her understand that she is still an important part of their lives should be the focus. This is heavy stuff. Breathe deeply through it.

Another said something similar – Sit down with her (and not in the presence of the kids) and tell her to stop correcting them when they call you mom because you are ALSO “their mother” now. You are the one doing all the “mom” things all the time. This doesn’t take away from the truth that she gave birth to them but she has to know her role at the moment in the play we call Life. Remind her, that when they get hurt they’re going to run to you because you’re the one who takes care of them day in and day out. Tell her it’s like when your sibling comes over with their kids, they will love on you and stuff but if anything goes south those kids are going to run to your sibling, even though you’re their aunt and very close.

Withholding Sibling Contact

Though this happens all too often, it is generally believed that sibling relationships matter and that they are very important when a family has been fractured. So, today’s story is heart concerning.

I am an adoptive parent of 2 former foster care youths. They are not related to one another. The youngest just turned 5. When we were in the process of adopting her, the social worker told us she had other (half) siblings that were also in the system and about to be adopted with another sibling of theirs. We asked about any visits they had and the social worker said “Oh, they don’t even know about her. We never did any visits or anything, it doesn’t matter, they are going to be adopted to another family with their other younger half brother.” I’m not in agreement about them not needing to know.

Eventually, I was able to get their first names and the name of their other sibling. I did some internet digging, their names aren’t super common, so I literally googled their first names. This led me to an obituary that had them listed as grandchildren. Then, I jumped on social media and looked up the names of the children listed and came across a public Instagram account belonging to the adoptive father. He had some photos of the kids with their names, from when they first came into his home.

I sat on it for a bit but decided to reach out via direct message. I introduced myself and acknowledged this may come across as a strange message and mentioned that I wasn’t sure if they were aware of their sister’s existence (there’s an additional sibling now too). I said I’d like to connect the kids, if possible. I got a response that was just “please call me” with the phone number. I was in the middle of bedtime, so I said I’d message when I was done and if it wasn’t too late for them (different time zones), I’d call.

So I call, it’s a bit late, but they insisted. It was an odd call for a number of reasons. He did most of the talking. It was a 90 minute call. He did make a point of telling me that it’s not that he doesn’t think their other siblings aren’t important but that they continuously emphasize that the siblings they now live with are their “real” siblings and the only ones that really matter. I was a bit surprised at the amount of negative things he shared about them (these poor kids have been through a lot). As this was a first meeting, it felt awkward having him kind of airing their dirty laundry so-to-speak.

He kept saying he had to take back the reigns from the oldest, she had always acted like a mother hen, but he’s the parent and he’s in charge now. He also said they had some contact with another sibling (unrelated to our daughter), but they cut it off because it seemed like any time they had any reminder of anyone from their past, they would “all just act like stupid little jerks.”…Wow.

One thing I did find out was, they had almost zero information on the dad or any photos. I don’t have a ton of info, but the basics, name, birthday, home town and I do have some photos, so I agreed to share them and sent them over after the call.

It was pretty obvious from the conversation that he didn’t think it was a good idea for any contact now between the kids. What caught me off guard was the message I received the next morning…I realize I may be reading into this. But this is the response I got – Right now is not the right time for my kids to see or even interact with their younger sister. Pleases respect our privacy. The siblings still need to get on track and work through their own trauma. We can revisit this in 5 years (or more) when I think they are ready.

I agree his kids need to be his number one priority. But I wonder if denying any contact between the siblings for 5 or more years will have negative impact. In 5 years, my daughter will be 10, his kids will be 14 and 16. I’m also wondering how to best approach this with my daughter, as our older child does have a relationship with her brothers. She knows their names, she knows they exist, she’s seen like the 2 pictures I got from his social media, but it sounds like that’s going to be the end of the road for a while.

(We are supposed to start working with a trauma informed adoption competent therapist in the next few months but haven’t started yet as we’ve been on the wait list. We had someone else lined up but we didn’t continue with that one due to her stating how lucky they were to be adopted into our family.)

I’m curious about the experiences from both angles. Both if your adoptive parent withheld sibling contact and family information and from those that wanted it but were blocked by your sibling’s adoptive parents. The man has since either deleted his Instagram or has blocked me.

An adoptee that is also a former foster care youth responded – Reading this has made me so mad. I find it disgusting that people think it’s acceptable to adopt children and play god with their lives and determine what they have a right to know ABOUT THEMSELVES.

I would be honest and open with your little one from the get go. She has siblings, they live X with X, unfortunately, she can’t have contact right now due to circumstances beyond your control but you are trying to establish contact.

I would look to contact the adoption agency that placed them, try and contact them and have a formal attempt at establishing contact via those channels.

I’d also be looking at getting damages/compensation from Child Protective Services for not considering/proper management of placement. Not establishing sibling relationships and creating additional trauma.

I had 7 sibling who went in to care with me, and was only allowed contact with one. By the time I was 16, I had messaged them all on Facebook and went through a horrible and traumatic time.

I also discovered in my twenties I have a further 3 siblings who were in care that I don’t know the names or details about, and it makes me angry and sick everyday that there are people walking around and I don’t get to know them because of someone else’s selfish decisions.

That man is going to cause those children UNTOLD damage and based on the things you’ve shared, it’ll be a miracle if they’re still even with him, by the time they are 16.