It’s Complicated

A woman who went from foster care into being adopted at age 5 writes about the all things adoption group that I am part of as well – “Honestly, when I first joined I thought woahhhhh, wtf is going on. I thought adoption was the best thing, a loving alternative, selfless choice. Etc. Still not entirely sure my thoughts…its complex.”

blogger’s note – I understand. As the child of two adoptees, I felt the same way when I arrived in that group. Learning about my parents original parents, left me confused about the adoptive relatives I grew up with. I think I’ve almost resolved it, still not certain 100%, but yeah – it’s complex.

She continues – By all accounts I’m a “successful” and “productive” member of society. A partner, two kids, a nice house, a great job, etc. But my adoptive parents (still getting used to that term) have disowned me…again. First time was in my 20s, when I got divorced. I went through that alone and very very broke. This 2nd time is now that my husband and I have moved from FL (2 hours away from my adoptive parents who were not very helpful or involved) back to MD where we have a huge support network of friends and very involved “adopted” grandparents (my husband travels extensively for the fed government and extra hands were promised by my parents in FL but never materialized).

The problem ? My adoptive mother is…furious we dared to move. FURIOUS. What I’m grappling with is the loss of my adoptive parents and just coming to terms with their conditional love and really wild misplaced hate. I love them. I really do. My kids loved them too. But shit, it seems like this is common ? Adoptive parents turning their backs on their kids ? Why ?? How ? Are there support groups ? I’ve been to counseling but it wasn’t adoptee centered. Honestly I really didn’t want to admit to myself that adoption has played any part in my parents behavior but shit…it’s a lot.

She requests any words or suggestions of support from anyone (whether an adoptee or not).

Someone with similar early circumstances writes – Why does anybody expect strangers to treat someone else’s child as if “born to them”. It seems more normal for strangers to temporarily care for someone else’s child. The entire adoption industry is based on the great big lie. Please know that you are not the only one.

Another adoptee writes – I don’t know what to tell you to be honest. The best I can give you is find those who are your tribe and stick with them. I don’t think we’ll ever understand the hows or the whys of this whole mess. I think we have to be grateful for the good that we have and grieve the losses of the things that we wish we could have had. Be thankful you have a supportive husband and extended family. I’m kind of on an island by myself. I long for a partner that will support me.

Someone writes from personal experience, it’s because they have a mindset of people being replaceable.

From another adoptee – Unfortunately, it is very common. I think it goes back to the terminology people use around adoption – we were “chosen”. Well, something chosen can be UNchosen. They never like to talk about that part. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It never gets any easier, does it? Sending you hugs.

An adoptee admits – My trauma didn’t hit me until I started to have kids and just couldn’t wrap my brain around it. My adoption had caused me a lot of unexplained health issues.

Sorry You’re Struggling

Which was followed by “Probably you should put your kids up for adoption.”

This is not helpful advice. In looking for an adoption image with 3 children, I ended up with the movie poster above. Wanting to know more about it – I clicked a link to the Adoptions with Love website, where there is a review of the movie – LINK>The Adoption Storyline in the Movie, Instant Family. The movie was released in 2018. The film is based on the real-life story of director Sean Anders and his wife, Beth, who took in three young siblings to foster together in 2012. At the time the children were six, three, and 18-months-old. They later chose to adopt these children and give them a permanent home. The storyline goes into specific detail of the foster care adoption process. blogger’s note – Poverty is often the cause of children being separated from their biological family and placed into foster care.

Back to my struggling mom . . . She was getting comments like – “You are a mother of 3 kids. You chose this. It’s no one else’s fault. Stop playing victim and start taking control of your life. Money doesn’t grow on trees and honestly you have to help yourself ultimately. Have you even thought about giving the kids up for adoption ? Loving your kids so much – don’t you want them to have a better life ? I know it would be hard but maybe it’s better for them.”

One response she got was this – Seriously ?? Why is it always money = “love,” do they even consider for one second how devastating it would be for those kids to be ripped away from their mother and forced to live with a stranger ? I almost gave birth in a hotel and my FIL was extremely judgmental (without offering help, so we could qualify for a rental—we did a few months later) but thankfully nobody had the audacity to say this to me !

From an adoptee – do not listen. I wish someone would have encouraged my biological mother to keep going and get better, so she could raise me. Get your encouragement where adult adoptee voices are loud and clear. You will find plenty of us rooting for you.

Even from an adoptive mother – there will always be someone out there that appears “better” than each of us. Ask her why she didn’t give her kids a “better” life ! I’m so sorry that she isn’t giving you proper advice/support, and possibly making you question your worth. You got this ! Don’t give up !!!

She was asked – Do your 3 kids live w you ? The struggling mom responded – yes. In a one bedroom. Lights are off now, so they’re somewhere else, while I stay here. The one asking shared – Your children want to be safe and be loved. While a good shelter that is based on getting people on their feet could be a good idea – adoption isn’t. Especially for those reasons. Your babies love their mom. And that was nasty of your friend to say. I’m sorry and I hope it gets better.

Changing A Child’s Name

I don’t belong to that group. Some in my all things adoption group which includes foster parents, adoptive parents and former foster care youths had some (actually a LOT) thoughts but I’ll just share a few.

One adoptive parent said simply – she is not a dog!!! (blogger’s note – we have a bunny that we got at the state fair many years ago – we were told his name is Walnut – and we had not desire to change it.) One woman noted – In fact, I never changed my cat’s name when I adopted her from an animal shelter. The one who shared the image wrote – A child is not an animal, you can’t change their name to suit YOUR wants. This is NOT design a child. It’s one thing if the child is older and it’s THEIR decision, but we’re talking about a toddler here.

Another person noted – “fostering to adopt” because it’s the cheaper way to buy a kid! FFS! To which another added – it shouldn’t be allowed as it’s a conflict of interest. Wonder how many reunifications have been derailed by the fosters that want to keep specific children?! Someone else noted financial reasons – it’s income from the state till the child reaches 18, in some cases, 21! Another added experience – I know of a couple reunifications that didn’t happen after the fosters decided they wanted to adopt. These were parents actively working towards reunification; and if they couldn’t be returned to the parents, there were other family members willing to take them. It is so messed up that in some cases the fosters have more rights than the parents or family. I know that one of the fosters turned out to have ties with the Guardian Ad Litem’s brother. Coincidence? Doubtful.

One mother of loss tells her sad story – My kids’ fosters actively stood in the way of reunification, and played on the fact that (when they moved for TPR – Termination of Parental Rights) I was in a state of upheaval, and had no place of my own, no job, and no family to rely on. It didn’t matter that I was clean, following all recommendations, willing to do therapy with the kids, and actively looking for work. They verbally promised visitation, if I would sign the papers. And then, the judge in our TPR hearing gave me 30 days to decide whether I would sign voluntarily or fight. I was told in open court that if I didn’t sign, he would terminate anyway and I would have no shot at visitation (I later found out that the judge was KNOWN for being biased against natural mothers in recovery). So I signed, thinking at least I’d have something, just for them to say they didn’t feel it was in the kids best interests to have me in their lives. I was never informed by my lawyer that I could appeal. Someone I knew told me, after the appeal time had expired. It’s absolutely insane what the state can get away with. I wasn’t even allowed to explain to my kids what happened and say goodbye. I haven’t spoken to or seen them since 2017. It shattered my heart and not a day goes by that I don’t see them in my mind.

Separating The Two

I received a nice message from an adoptive mother who found this blog. I do try to be realistic about adoption. But for adoption, I simply would not exist. Both of my parents were adoptees. Also, both of my sisters gave up babies for adoption – both of these now grown individuals – a niece and a nephew – have met the family who’s genetic inheritance is part of their own. I am glad for these reunions.

An adoptee I respect wrote – I have recently been reminded of the importance to distinguish adoption from the industry and criminal practices that have confused and conflated the two. To regain clarity, it does start with recognizing this distinction between adoption and the industry.

He continues – The challenge comes when we start dismantling the way modern adoption works. The very definition states “the fact or act of legally taking someone else’s child and raising it as your own.” This definition does not identify orphaned child, falsifying birth records, coercive tactics of separating the child from their origins, baby farming, child harvesting, colonization, cultural eradication, and war crimes, leaving it conveniently vague as “legally taking” which all the above has been identified as adoption.

Domestically, foster care is used as a means to adopt, where states have been incentivized to remove children and terminate parental rights which makes them eligible for adoption. Again, this is due to the industry and practices of recruitment, supply and demand, and sustainability of a waning human market.

The majority of laws and policies are focused on making these practices more streamlined and ethical. Curious why this is an issue when it comes to child protection and child welfare, especially since it has been well documented for generations. Books like The Child Catchers, The Girls Who Went Away, American Baby, Relinquished among others have brought up adoption as an industry in great detail.

The problem that remains is how the US continues to be a stronghold for the industry. Those in leadership positions have used pro-industry propaganda: “adoption is an option” and “best interest of the child because it gives them a better life” – continuing to conflate adoption with the industry and its criminal practices.

I have been saying that we need to call it for what it really is… only then can we begin to offer solutions. The first step to problem solving is identifying the problem. To your point, adoption is not the problem, it’s how adoptions are being conducted. Removing children from living parents and relatives through force, threat of force, abduction, kidnapping, coercion, deception, falsifying documents, transporting and “rehoming” and exploitation for profit are all elements of another term: trafficking. Sadly, the vast majority simply refuse to acknowledge this despite the overwhelming evidence. Even with admitting the truth, people argue “but not all adoptions are trafficking” – but we’re no longer talking about adoptions at this point are we?

I want also to share this from a kinship adoptive parent – I feel like a lot of this comes from our consumer mentality (as a nation). Because we’re such capitalists, we think that money is what makes one home better than another. Instead of supporting mothers who are struggling, we often perpetuate the lie that their child will be better with someone who can afford to give them more. So little of the industry centers around children and what’s best for them. Over and over, studies show that mom/family is best whenever possible, but our foster and adoption system don’t follow science.

The adoptee above responded to this with – children (born and unborn) are the focus of the industry as the products/commodities it’s selling. The propaganda diverts attention from this crime by focusing on the buyers and making it into a human rights issue of reproductive rights.

Evolving Perspectives

I know that my perspectives have evolved since I began learning about my own genetic roots. I don’t know how many of these blogs I have written but they do in some way reflect my own journey to understanding adoption trauma. Ass the child of 2 adoptees, I understand how not knowing anything about your own family history feels. And what a struggle it is to find some peace with the relatives I grew up with who are not actually genetically related to me.

Today, I read a lament from a woman about what her perspectives were in the past before she learned the realities of the adoption marketplace. She compared her thoughts in 2013 (my evolution began in 2017) with what she understands today. She writes –

In the past, I never understood the entitlement that people had, which allowed them to adopt babies. I didn’t understand why pro-lifers weren’t fostering or adopting children who already had their parental rights terminated. The story that was on the radio broke my heart. I heard older children in foster care talking about wanting a family, so they had somewhere to go for Christmas and Easter – or just to celebrate life with, as they grow up into adulthood. And I used the term unwanted baby – not even realizing that an unwanted pregnancy doesn’t mean that the baby wasn’t wanted. I didn’t know anything about how Child Protective Services would try and terminate parental rights for babies, so that the people who were fostering to adopt could get the babies they wanted.

Now I look at my old post from 2016 and think how insensitive and dehumanizing it is to bring adoptees into the abortion debate. I wish every kid had a home that was safe and loving. And more than that I wish that every home had the ability to be safe and loving. I wish first families had the resources that adoptive and foster families are given. I wish people didn’t look at parents facing poverty and tell them they should never have had children, instead of making a social safety net available to every family.

Her wishes are my own (this blogger’s) wishes as well.

More Adoptable

There are reasons that kids under 5 rarely return home from foster care …. because they are more adoptable.

Actually, there were 2 reasons – who takes care of kids when parents can not parent ? One – plenty of parents who CAN parent get their children taken either because they are poor or because of bias on behalf of CFS/CPS/CWS, whatever it is called in your state. Two – plenty of parents are never given a chance to parent because their child gets taken at birth by coercion.

Foster care is not as necessary as we make it, and there are reasons that kids under 5 rarely return home…. because they are more adoptable. When those in a position of authority, or those who are mandated reporters are given discretion in cases involving child welfare, there can often be disparities in decisions regarding the removal of children from homes or the substantiation of child abuse claims. These disparities stem from a combination of factors, including the lack of clear guidelines, the subjective nature of assessing risk, and the influence of biases that may unintentionally come into play.

One example of vague guidelines is California, where there is an absence of a universally defined legal age at which children can be left home alone. This lack of a specific age leaves room for interpretation and discretion by authorities. While some states have guidelines, they often include language such as “maturity and safety of the situation” as determining factors.

Vague language can lead to inconsistent decisions as different individuals may interpret maturity and safety differently. Additionally, the discretionary power given to those with authority to remove a child means that they must make quick, on-the-spot assessments of risk and safety. This can be influenced by various factors, including personal biases, cultural norms, and past experiences. Research has shown that biases—whether based on race, socio-economic status, or other factors—can unintentionally impact decision-making, leading to disparities in how cases are handled.

Someone may be more likely to view a situation as unsafe or reportable if it involves a family from a marginalized community, even if the circumstances are similar to those of families from more privileged backgrounds. This bias can result in disparities in how child welfare cases are investigated, substantiated, or acted upon. Minority children at least 12 months old with accidental injuries are 3 times more likely than their white counterparts to be reported for suspected abuse. Black and low-income infants are more likely to be tested at birth for drug exposure than are infants from white or more affluent families, even though rates of prenatal substance use among racial and economic groups are similar.

If you have access to Medium, you may wish to check out LINK>Empowered By Megan.

Is Your Behavior Unethical

Questions to consider, if you want to take responsibility for unintended but unethical behavior –

Did you use an adoption agency that has consistently unethical practices?

Did you pay tens of thousands of dollars?

Did you participate in pre-birth matching?

Were you in the delivery room/at hospital?

Did you seek out states without a revocation period?

Did you troll Facebook groups looking for expectant mothers?

Did you send your profile to Obstetrician offices and leave “business cards” on college campuses?

Did you aggressively advertise on social media and Craigslist?

Did you fight the parents, if they tried to revoke?

For foster to adopt parents:

Did you support reunification?

Did you sabotage reunification?

Do you realize you chose to also participate in a corrupt system?

What If ?

If you are an adoptive parent, how would you answer ?

As a birthmom, I am entirely hopeful that when my child grows up, if he decides he wants to come home to me – they will let him. How would you feel if your adopted child does or doesn’t “bond” into your home or dynamic and STILL wants to return to their biological family ? Would you let them do it ? Would you let them be adopted back to their biological parent ? How would you feel ? What would you do if they were old enough to leave home legally and went back to their biological family ? (In some states you can leave at 16-17 and not be considered missing.)

Adoptive parent’s responses –

I would absolutely help them establish a bond with their natural family. Because it’s about them, not me. In my opinion, the more people who love a child / adult, the better. So why would I have any problem with that ? I hope you can reunite with your little one.

Absolutely! My two adoptive children came to us very young, but they knew about their family, pictures, we talked about them at home (although my daughter was afraid of them and didn’t like to talk about them), my daughter talked about them in therapy (Reactive Attachment Disorder and a variety of other mental health issues), etc. Her brother has a variety of cognitive and physical disabilities, but he would still look at pictures. My daughter has made contact with her mother, but as far as I know, hasn’t really established a relationship with her. I think that it’s really important for adoptive children to have the tools and supports necessary to connect with their family, and as adults, decide how to proceed.

From a foster parent in the process of adoption – I am a foster parent in the process of adoption. I am sure this is a very hard thing to process for adoptive parents. I have tried to educate myself about adoption trauma and how to parent my adopted child. I’m sure it would feel hurtful in one sense but also good to know that your child is able to have that relationship and not have to wonder about his biological family. I think a lot of it depends on the relationship between the adoptive and biological families. As long as both can be respectful towards each other and keep the child’s best interest number one, I think it can be a very good thing and exactly what the child needs. But, two adults fighting or pursuing a child to be one place or the other and not respectful of each other’s role in the child’s life, I think that could just cause more trauma for the child. I’m sure you would get a different answer from someone who hasn’t kept a relationship with the biological family or become adoption informed. Good luck and I hope you’re able to keep a relationship with your child and his adoptive parents !

Safe Surrender

Certainly, babies have been abandoned and later found with tragic results. I was aware of Baby Safe Haven boxes at fire stations. I wasn’t aware that the concept has expanded. Advertisements for the option include words like “No Shame, No Blame, No Names”.

Today, I read an informed person’s thoughts about Safe Surrenders – she wrote there is “so much ick surrounding the “safe surrender” story line, when with resources and help, the family would have been intact. It just broke us. I understand the “reason” for the anonymity of the surrender but I really wish there was some kind of question to determine why they felt this was their option. Do they need funding? Housing? Clothes? Material things? Emotional support? Physical or addiction needs? There really isn’t a situation, that without services, couldn’t be resolved and the family remain intact. I wish our country (US) was more willing to put the programs in place but I wish communities were also more empowered for this. It breaks my heart that these moms and children are separated when possibly very little is needed to help them.”

It is a refrain that I read over and over again. A point I make about our society being unwillingly to appropriately support families in crisis.

An adoptive parent noted – The “safe haven baby box” doesn’t necessarily have to be a part of it. My daughter was surrendered at a hospital. None of the safe haven babies I know about (around 30) were surrendered to a box in a wall…… they were surrendered at hospitals (the mother gave birth and left or simply walked in and handed the baby over). Some are surrendered at fire stations to an actual person or in a police station to a actual person.

To which someone asked – Isn’t there a window of time the mom or dad could come back for their baby? The answer was – Yes. The window does depend on the state. I’m in Wisconsin and here it is 3 months. If someone steps forward, then the case turns to a “regular” foster care case AFTER DNA is proven. ANY blood relative can step forward. After 3 months, the case continues as an adoptive case and adoption can occur after 6 months.

Again, the really is when local groups rally around a mom who’s struggling, very little help is necessary to support them. It can make a huge difference in a woman feeling so desperate that dropping her baby off at a hospital is a rational decision vs having that community support so that she can be successful in providing for her child. It’s almost insane. I think this is the reason people are very quick to point out a double standard. Too often, society will rally around an adoptive mom but a single mom struggling ? She really has a much more difficult time receiving the same offers of help. To the sad situation that a lot of them get shamed and so will not ask for help.

Many hopeful adoptive parents will sign up to foster “safe haven” babies. Their hope is to adopt (yes, this is actually a thing). In another person’s state, the natural parents have 14 days to come forward. I can’t imagine how bad a situation would have to be, to surrender your newborn. And there is heartbreak for that mother … and heartbreak for that child as they go through life not knowing their parents or medical history (or even their real birthdate).

So Perfectly Expressed

Podcast by Ande Scott, a late discovery adoptee

This was NOT in her podcast but was posted by my friend on Facebook. It was so good (and I am short on time today) that I wanted to share it here.

When people tell me Adoption isn’t like it was when you were a baby – in many ways the adoption industry is worse. On the one hand, they will acknowledge that adoption is trauma, but continue to do “outreach” to coerce pregnant people in crisis to give up their children. They will acknowledge that our families are traumatized by our loss, but throw platitudes and promises at them, in order to convince them to relinquish. They acknowledge the pain, but pursue policies that deny reproductive rights, prevent sex education and access to contraceptives , and promote a false narrative that children will be better off with strangers. They acknowledge that people who lose their families should know they are being raised by others, and say they promote openness. Without advising our families that this is usually not enforceable, and still advocating for falsified birth certificates. They promote foster to adopt as the solution, but do not disclose the way this has been turned into a racket; one that involves increased policing of families, especially families of color.

They’ve gotten better at the con, out of long years of practice and access to billions of dollars. They use their lobbying and political and religious and social power to disempower others and perpetuate marginalization, when they could put the weight of their influence behind family preservation and the programs that would make our society healthier. But that would mean a loss of money and power.

Every day another child is robbed of their identity and family and culture and history via the practices of the dual birth certificate system, closed adoption (knowing you are adopted does not equate to open adoption ), private adoption, transracial adoption, transnational adoption.

None of these practices are necessary to help a child in crisis.