Tag: Generational Cycles

Struggles As A Single Parent

It starts with awareness which is why I write this blog almost every day. From a domestic infant adoptee in my all things adoption group –

Reading the article – LINK>What It’s Like Raising A Kid You Didn’t Want – makes clear that this parent very much loves her child, but is low on bandwidth as she struggles to provide as a single parent.

blogger’s note – I understand that struggle, I ended up losing my daughter to my ex-husband and her step-mother because of that struggle. And I DID want my daughter very much. It was a love so strong that it surpassed any romantic love I’ve ever had (married or not). I will never fully get over not raising her past the age of 3 but that is the unintended consequence of leaving her temporarily with her paternal grandmother.

Continuing with the comment by the domestic infant adoptee in my all things adoption group – “I continue to be struck hard by how long it took me to consider that we should give resources to people with children instead of children to people with resources. If, I, as an adopted person, took over 40 years to consider this idea, then I suppose it is little wonder that the common narrative leans so hard into adoption. Changing this feels daunting when I read how causally people toss off their convictions about this.”

One who was fostered from birth and then adopted at the age of 10 notes – that her personal experiences with the two mothers in her life (the biological and the adoptive) “make her want be the mother she never had – but she realizes that not everyone has the ability or privilege to know how to break the cycle.”

In the linked article, the mother writes – “I hate being solely responsible for him. I hate supporting him on my own (his father contributes nothing and there’s little I can do about it).” She writes about a generational cycle and I have certainly seen that effect in my own biological family. Adoptee parents producing children they love very much but those children (3 of us) all ended up being unable to raise our own children. I already explained my daughter’s circumstances, which really had everything to do with her father refusing to pay child support. Both of my sisters gave up a child to adoption. One of them lost custody to the paternal grandparents through a legal action.

blogger’s note – I used to go regularly to my mom for little handouts of cash help but one can only do that so much. The author of the article writes – “Some family members have since contributed to childcare expenses, for which I’m grateful. But I am still just scraping by (and sometimes not).”

She ends her article with – “When parents use up all their energy to provide the basics, how does a kid feel loved?” For which, this blogger has no answer. Though I did lose physical (but never legal that I know of) custody of my daughter, I did try to stay connected with her and it seems to have payed off with a decently close relationship with her now in our later years.

Mentoring

Just today, learned about this organization. Many youth in foster care remain there if not adopted at a relatively young age until they “age out” as it is called. Are forced out on their own. I first discovered the Atlanta Angels whose Mission Statement reads – to walk alongside children, youth, and families in the foster care community by offering consistent support through intentional giving, relationship building, and mentorship.

They go on to define these 3 aspects – Intentional Giving is the giving of thoughtful and personal resources, gifts, and care packages that meet the real needs of the child and their entire family. Relationship Building is devoting time and energy to fostering healthy relationships that promote healing through connections and interpersonal bonding. And finally, Mentorship is equipping and empowering the youth in their program to be prepared for independent living and to reach their fullest potential.

The Atlanta Angels are a chapter of a national organization – the National Angels – which seems to have grown out of another more local organization – the Austin Angels. I’m glad to know there are other similar organizations across the United States. This program created the Dare to Dream (for youth ages 15-22) and Dare to Dream Jr (for youth ages 11-14) outreach efforts. These are intended to provide one-on-one mentorship to youth in foster care. Their mentors are advocates, guides, role models, valued friends, and available resources who guide youth that they may successfully accomplishment their developmental milestones.

Young people who have grown up within the foster care system have experienced instability in their lives and often disproportionately suffer with learning disabilities, limited life skills, health issues, and emotional and behavioral struggles that lead to negative developmental outcomes. Youth who age out of foster care without having been adopted or reunified with their families have less financial, emotional, and social support than their peers, yet they are often expected to be as self-sufficient as those who have familial support and guidance. This lack of assistance and resources combined with the various traumas these youth have experienced negatively affects their success and overall well being. As a result of having to overcome a childhood of abuse and neglect, removal from their parents, unstable living arrangements, multiple foster placements, and weak support systems, youth who age out of care enter young adulthood without a healthy foundation upon which they can build their futures and work to break the generational cycles that affect youth in care. 

Mentors provide the wisdom, advice, encouragement, and community that these youth need to thrive later on in life. A mentor involved in this program commits to meeting with the youth every other week to set goals and help them achieve their dreams. The organization hopes these relationships will last a lifetime, but the program only asks for a year’s commitment in some cases. Mentors matched with a high school student are strongly encouraged to stay with the youth until high school graduation. The simple act of a mentor telling their youth “I believe in you,” “You are special,” and “You are going to do great things” can change their path completely.