Struggling With Forgiveness

A woman writes – I’ve been struggling lately being adopted. I’m glad I was removed from the situation I was in, but I’m struggling with forgiving my birth mom. Am I wrong for not wanting anything to do with her? My feelings have gotten stronger since I had my child and even though I debated putting him up for adoption at one point (because I was in a really bad financial situation) I struggle with understanding why I wasn’t enough to make her get herself together and be a mom.

Am I wrong for not forgiving her? And for being bitter about it?

I understand a lot of parents do what they think is best or they were coerced, but the state gave her multiple chances and resources to help her be a mom. Even long before we were removed from her care, then they gave her a chance for 3 years to get her life back on track. I’ve read the reports, so I know what happened and I feel anger towards her for it.

An adoptee responded – As an adoptee, I get it. I also considered placing my baby, because of financial reasons, but didn’t, so I feel you. I’m in a successful and happy reunion, but I get you. You don’t owe anyone anything. You are entitled to your very valid feelings. And now that you are an adult, you and only you get to make the choices that are right for you. And you get to build a beautiful life for your own child. And you don’t owe her anything. Nothing. It’s really okay.

From another adoptee – You are not wrong and you are enough. The decision to not do the work necessary is 100% on her.

From an adoptee who also spent time in foster care – My adopted mom (who I didn’t know wasn’t my biological mom as a child) couldn’t keep her act together enough to keep Child Protective Services from removing me. So I feel very similarly to you. I also have anger towards my birth mother for allowing such an awful person to adopt me. I don’t speak to either of them and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. You don’t owe anyone your forgiveness and your feelings are valid.

Another adoptee with a similar background to the one above – I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused for 11 years with my biological mom. She would leave us for days to go on benders. I was allowed to continue contact with her and my foster parents always facilitated that, if we wanted it. I decided voluntarily to cut ties with my biological mom at 12, when I was finally adopted after 11 years of back and forth, and failed reunification attempts. After my biological dad died, even though they weren’t together, I decided to try to reconnect with her. She cursed me out because I wouldn’t tell her where my dad’s funeral service would be. I didn’t want her name attached to me. This was the day after he died. I was 18. I haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I don’t want to look like her. I don’t want her to ever know if I have my own children. I don’t want to speak to her. And no, I do not feel bad at all about it. I’ve resolved it in myself. I know exactly what happened – I lived it. Painting foster/adoption with a broad brush is dangerous, as not everyone’s experience is the same and not all kids have a biological option to turn to. I did not. I am forever grateful that I am adopted. It was after 11 years of meth-addled Dept of Family and Child Services visits, neglect, abuse, and psychological trauma. I’ll never finish undoing what she did to me. Some folks do not deserve kids. That’s my truth and I won’t let anyone make me feel bad for it.

She also expresses appreciation for her foster parents who fostered 45 kids during their lifetime and only adopted 3 of us. Two of us are biologically related (me and my half-brother, who entered care, after I had already been placed with them for 8 years. They had guardianship of me and then took him, when he entered care, because it was what was best for us – to have the presence of a biological sibling). The third child, they had from the time he was 2 days old and his biological mom requested they adopt him because she was serving a 10 year sentence in prison and had nobody to take him. She said she would only do it, if she adopted him. They did many things most foster parents would never dream of doing.

Shout Out To Fathers

It’s Father’s Day and so I should acknowledge that other gender in humanity and what they give to kids when they want to be a father. All too often, fatherhood comes upon a male of our species unplanned and unasked for. That can have a tragic outcome for the child who’s mother is also unprepared to parent. Many times these children end up adopted with all the complications and trauma that entails. Sometimes, the mother tries but the children end up in foster care – either adopted eventually or again out of the system.

In my own case, the three children I have birthed were all planned. I am grateful for that. Both fathers have been good fathers to their children. My own dad, gone now for almost a decade, did the “right thing” by my teenage mom and me when she turned up pregnant, still in high school, and after he had only started at a university. He gave up his own dreams of higher education to go to work in a refinery – often very long, double shift hours – to support his family which eventually included 2 younger sisters for me as well.

My own daughter ended up being raised by her dad and step-mother when I proved unable to financially provide for the two of us as a single mom. Though that left me feeling like a failure as a mom, when I remarried later in life, my husband surprised me by telling me after a couple of Margaritas that he had been thinking he wanted to be a dad after all (he had been grateful I had already done that and that there was no pressure on him). He has been an awesome, dedicated father willing to drop whatever else he was doing if called up by his sons. I was healed of some of my earlier motherhood issues by discovering I could actually be a decent mom.

Many times, in my all things adoption related group, men have stepped up and actually fought the legal system to regain a child that was given up for adoption by their single mom. I have a huge admiration for such men and they do an awesome job of parenting. Happy Father’s Day to all men who have found themselves, one way or other, parenting a child – especially those who had to do so without the mom’s involvement, for whatever reason. You are true heroes !!

The Last Of Us

The girl who stars in the series The Last Of Us reminded me so much of our family friend’s daughter, Carmen. It was because these friends had a child that my husband was encouraged to want one too. In fact, we had two – both sons. I am so grateful they are part of our life. Having them was not an easy way to go into parenthood.

Towards the end of the series episodes, it is revealed the fraught situation of her birth. Her mother has by then become infected and begs a friend to end her life before the worst happens. She asks her to find someone to raise her daughter.

While the movie is grim, having just come through a pandemic and with our democracy on the line for an alternative vision of a future under an authoritarian dictatorship, it’s chilling. Survival and doing whatever has to be done to continue staying alive. We need to vote in November to help allow a better future to unfold for us all – a more equal and provided for life for every person.

My Mom On My Mind

Around the time my mom’s adoption was finalized

The credit for the existence of this blog actually belongs to my adoptee mom. She wanted to know the truth about her adoption through Georgia Tann in Memphis Tennessee in the 1930s. The state of Tennessee refused her that information and it was my intention that I would pursue it after she died, thinking it might be easier with the birth and adoptive parents as well as the adoptee no longer living. In some states like Arizona, Virginia and California that hasn’t made a bit of difference to the closed, sealed records. What my mother was never told is that a few years after her attempt, the state was then providing the records to the victims of Georgia Tann’s scandals. I learned the record would be available to me in 2017 from my cousin who was able to obtain her still living father’s record (the daughter of my mom’s adoptive brother, also adopted in Tennessee through Georgia Tann before her).

Unrelated to issues of adoption, I have been asked to give a 3 min presentation at a choral event today in the city of St Louis. In a sense, I will be alone in the spotlight for those 3 mins. I mention my mom twice during that short speech. Therefore, I feel my mom will “be there” with me today, even though she died back in 2015. I smile when I think of ALL of her impacts on my life. I was lucky to have such a devoted mother and even more lucky, she didn’t have to give me up from adoption when she turned up pregnant with me in high school. I am forever grateful for that good fortune, since I know so much about adoption related trauma now.

Doing A Good Work

A woman writes – I wanted to thank the adoptees in this group for what you have done. (Blogger’s note – I usually do not post a link to that group but if you are wanting to know about it, ask and I will point you in that direction.)

A little about me – I joined the group early this year as a hopeful adoptive parent because I was curious about your perspectives having never really heard them in the mainstream. My personal philosophy is that the internet’s best use is to help platform voices of marginalized people. This group continues to impress me with the rules and moderators who protect adoptees’ voices – in all my perspective-hunting, I have not seen an equal to this group and recommend it to everyone at any mention of adoption. You all taught me SO much.

Earlier this year (about 2 months after joining the group) I learned of a young mother in my area with a 2-year-old and 6-week-old who was homeless. Her parents attempted to weaponize the state against her to take her children. With all your voices in my head, another woman with a heart for our community and I started a group to support our homeless population, with my own focus being the many young mothers with no safety net (we have shelters for single men in my area but nothing for women or children).

Our young mother is now flourishing; she has a home, a job, and a support system. She has a PFA (Protection from Abuse) order against her parents and is legally protected. She wanted to pay it forward, and helped us support another young pregnant woman who was prepared to give up her child – instead, Mom #1 threw her a baby shower and held her hand through every step of the process. Now that baby is thriving happily with his momma, and she wants to help pay it forward to the next mother.

Because of your emotional labor, there are 3 children still with their mothers and a support system in my community to protect future mothers and help struggling ones. There are at least 4 more mothers who thought they couldn’t do it but are now off the streets and have their kids at home with them. Christmas with all these families was an absolute blessing; we were able to get all the kids gifts without their mothers having to dip into their funds. Someone dressed up as Santa to deliver them. A lot of the moms cried because they never expected to see the holidays with their kids.

You made that possible. (Blogger’s note – and any person who has the desire could do as much.)

All I Want For Christmas

Is any body’s baby

I loved the magic and happy ending in a story that was published in The Guardian – LINK>I found a baby on my doorstep on Christmas Day. I liked that the woman’s first thought was – “There’s someone out there who loves you. I’m sure of it.”

Then, she added – “But if there isn’t, then I will love you. It will be OK, I promise.” It was as if he understood, because he stopped crying. It was 2017 and her own son was only five weeks old. So, she was not experiencing infertility and wanting someone else’s baby but her mothering instincts simply kicked in. She wondered – “How could anyone have abandoned a child, especially when it was -1C outside?” (30 degrees for those of us who use Fahrenheit measurements.)

She notes – “I was sure there was a mother out there looking for him, as he’d responded to the kindness in my voice. But some part of me was also preparing for the alternative. I even thought about fostering classes I might have to take.”

The police arrived with the baby’s mother in their car – “She flew up our steps in a split second, took him from my arms and seemed to collapse over him, sobbing.”

Turns out that the mother and baby lived nearby. After putting her son in the car that morning, she’d realized that she hadn’t locked her front door. In the second she stepped away, a teenage boy had stolen the car. Discovering the baby in the back seat, he panicked. One wonders that he chose this house to leave the baby at. The woman ends her story – “I don’t know if some higher power meant for us to take care of the baby that day. But I’ll always be thankful we were there to open the door when the knock came.”

Get Any 5 In A Row

How about the far right vertical column ? Love is not enough. Some adoptees would have preferred to have been aborted. Many are accused of being bitter if they speak out about adoption according to their own lived reality. My genetic biological grandmothers were not really all that young but were probably considered by some to be too young (or is it only that they lacked adequate support and financial means ?). Most adoptive parents including my own adoptive grandmothers would probably have agreed with the last one.

Maybe the far left vertical column suits your perspectives. Certainly many babies do start life in an orphanage (in fact, leaving my mom for temporary care at Porter Leath in Memphis was my grandmother’s well intentioned but tragic choice). Babies also turn up in dumpsters – sadly. The all things adoption group that I am part of is often accused of being “mean and negative”. When an adoptee wants to know more about their origins they are often accused of not being grateful or not loving their adoptive parents enough to just accept their lot in life. Some who have experienced the pain of infertility look at those who conceive easily and think it is unfair. And of course, the perennial question about the lack of alternatives to adoption.

In fact many of these bingo “scores” I’ve encountered many times as I have sought to educate my own self about the realities of the commercial adoption industry that makes LOTS of money for those promoting the taking of children from one family and depositing them with another.

Adopters=Co-dependancy

An adoptive parent admits she is co-dependent. She was learning all about co-dependency, due to an unrelated (to adoption) life situation, when it hit her that adoptive parents are co-dependent. She writes – that she is ‘not always/not all’ aware, so no need to point it out. But she is certain there is a high likelihood of adopters being co-dependent AF.

She notes that the reason she posted this is – we can only grow and do better from what we know. And we won’t know we are codependent, unless we learn about it. Co-dependent people thrive on being needed. They find taking care of others more fulfilling than anything. They make other people’s problems their own. It’s more of a personality type, than a disorder but it can get unhealthy very easily, if we are not aware. She added – “My goal is to cause as little additional trauma to my kids as possible….I will learn and do better !”

An adoptive parent who is also a therapist notes – I see that as a theme with some who adopt. I don’t want to over categorize people, but the place I have noticed this the most is with those who adopt from other countries or foster care, after they have had their biological kids. That role appeals to them. It becomes part of their identity. And yes, it is important to see how that leads to wanting gratitude and other unhealthy patterns. One adoptee responded to that with this – “WOW! CAN YOU ELABORATE MORE?! I have become so hyper independent, it’s bad/sad. My adoptive parents had two biological kids and adopted me 15 years later.” Someone else understood – We learned to try and control the situation, so we could be safe.

A mother who lost her child to adoption writes – Yeah if I wasn’t co-dependent (as a result of trauma growing up) then, I’m sure I wouldn’t have given my son up. I would’ve had the confidence to say no and stand up for myself. Another responded – I would not have bought into the idea that another mother would be better than me.

The more common trait in adoptive mothers is narcissism. One wrote – the two are similar and it’s important we don’t try to diagnose ourselves. But those who try to break the trauma cycle are more likely to be the co-dependent one. Narcissists usually don’t have the self awareness or empathy to admit their mental health needs. If you’re curious look at covert narcissists. (from LINK>VeryWell Mind – A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance, lacking empathy toward others but may act in a different way than an overt narcissist. They may exhibit symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but often hide the more obvious signs of the condition.)

Like Dominos Tumbling

Yesterday, as I was considering how the pieces of my own roots journey unfolded, I had this image of Dominos – one leading to the next. I had been in the dark about my own genetic, biological roots for more than 60 years. My mom had tried to discover her own but was denied and rejected when she made her attempts. My dad never seemed to want to know or maybe he was just afraid of what he might discover.

Never the less, one amazing revelation after another and in only 1 year’s time, I knew most of it. Some additional pieces have come my way since then but nothing as absorbing and amazing as that year since. Was I just lucky or was it just the appropriate time for everything that had been hidden and sealed off to reveal it self ? It was like there was an energy of disclosure that would no longer be denied.

From my mom’s biological, genetic mother and father to my dad’s biological, genetic mother and father, one after the other, doors opened and the truth was revealed. It feels very solid now – I know from whom and where I came from. Not that dark place of knowing nothing that I lived with for over 60 years.

I’m grateful for my success. I could have just as easily failed – or could I have ? Somehow, it was just finally the time for the truth to out itself. All I did was follow the bread crumbs, from one piece of information to the next, until there were not a lot more to follow – though some turn up from time to time – a relative in Denmark, where my dad’s father immigrated from. More recently from that same family line via Ancestry, the wife of another one who is highly interested in genealogy.

I will follow any that come but mostly I’ve arrived at wholeness and that has meant everything I could have ever hoped for. I believe I fulfilled the reason I wasn’t given up for adoption by my young, unmarried parents who were both adoptees (they did manage to get married before I was born). Thanking all that is good in this world.

Abandonment Nightmares

It does not surprise me that some adoptees have nightmares related to abandonment. Here’s one –

I finally realized today why I have separation anxiety, why I do all the things I do. I was told around 4 years old I was adopted because my family didn’t want to take care of me, and that my adoptive parents stepped in and wanted to.

I started have extreme nightmares about being abandoned around 4-5, right after my adoptive parents told me I was adopted. They made me feel as though my biological mother didn’t want me, and that I should be grateful that they wanted me.

It finally clicked tonight. My nightmares started after I was told. I dreamed catastrophe was coming and my adoptive parents would yell “You’re on your own now” as they ran off to save themselves. Only reason it clicked was because my nightmares are back. I also started having extreme sleep issues around 4-5 years old.

I found an article about LINK>What is Abandonment? by Michael Hallett. He notes that “Some people are unfortunate enough to lose the support of a parent or significant other, often during childhood, creating feelings of abandonment” which certainly fits the experience of many adoptees. He goes on to elaborate – “Emotional abandonment is a subjective emotional state in which people feel undesired, left behind, insecure, or discarded. People experiencing emotional abandonment may feel at a loss, cut off from a crucial source of sustenance that has been withdrawn, either suddenly, or through a process of erosion.” Which also fits the story shared above.

He goes on to suggest that there are five layers of trauma – Current Life, Generational, Community, Racial and Ancestral. He also notes that as we peel away the layers of the unconscious, we discover that abandonment can be caused by inherited traumas just as much as current-life events.

No real point other than, it does not surprise me and I’ve reflected on it quite a lot – especially as I have learned more about the adoption industry in general and listened to adoptee voices. My adoptee parents (both were adopted as toddlers) are deceased. Of course, I wish the details had emerged when they were yet alive. I wish I could have the deep conversations with them about their feelings related to having been adopted. Now, I can only listen to current day adult adoptees and contemplate what might or might not relate to my knowledge and understanding of my own parents during the time they were still present in my life.

You can read more about Michael Hallett and his interest in the topic at LINK>About.