Tag: Guardianship

Targeted Assistance

The sister of an adoptee posts this question – If a child is “available” for adoption through the state, are there ways to become involved and support them outside of adoption? Queer couple living in an extremely conservative state and would love recommendations on supporting queer youth in the system. If kiddos are adoptable is it too late to step in as a guardian so their identity isn’t legally erased? Is it even needed?

The first response was this – LGBTQ people who are eligible should adopt LGBTQ kids who have been thrown away and have no family. I say this as a person in the LGBTQ community.

Another noted – Just because you adopt a child doesn’t mean you’re erasing their identity. This is refuted by others – unless you are in a state where you can retain the person’s factual birth certificate, you are. And even still, adoption severs them legally from their family and ancestors. And this –  Adoption is a legal construct only. One that erases true identity in perpetuity. This is what adoption is. The irony of modern adoption is that it’s based on archaic “as if born to” legal secrecy. However, modern day DNA / ancestry sites now show the genealogical truth. They expose the legal lie.

But another has a different point of view – my family is black and the ones who have been adopted don’t feel like their identity was taken and love that they are in the family. I often wonder if it is a cultural feeling with identity. Blacks Americans have lost their true identity for hundreds of years, so I wonder if that is why the ones adopted in my family feel so different. I bring up topics from this group and they get offended and tell me to shut up. I just bring it up because I don’t want my niece to feel any type of way.

A foster parent notes – Depends on their age, but if kids are available for adoption, it probably means that they want to be adopted. However, if you want to be supportive, there are a number of gay teens who need foster homes and the support provided there. They are probably too old for adoption, but will need guidance and support as they age out of foster care into independent living. Apply to become foster parents. Older teens are the ones who begin to understand that they are part of the LGBTQ community. That is what this post is about—providing support for those older teens. Though another noted – You certainly don’t need to be an older teen to be queer. An adoptive parent who adopted out of foster care comments – queer teens are absolutely overrepresented in the system, guardianship or long-term foster care/age out plan with queer and affirming adults might be helpful. It is up to the individual youth, if that would be helpful or not, but in my experience many youth with trauma backgrounds appreciate location stability.

Yet someone else who spent time in foster care notes the reality – not all states allow guardianship as a permanency option after Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) has occurred. This is something those with foster care experience in their youth have been trying to change for years. In many states, if we are legally adoptable, that’s the outcome the state pushes for because it’s more cost effective for them and they ignore the fact that many youth adopted from care re-enter care at least 1x after adoption. In my home state, guardianship was only a permanency option, if it was a kinship placement. Otherwise, adoption or remaining in active care were our permanency outcome goals. So for kids under the age of 8, by the time of TPR, typically they were adopted out, those of us over that age tended to end up in restrictive environments.

Muslim Teen

Today’s concerned question – Does it benefit a child in any way if they are adopted right before aging out of the foster system?

I happened upon my state’s adoption directory, which is disgusting because it lists HUMAN children as if they’re shelter dogs. Like, what the fuck? Oh, and of course all the children are POC and/or disabled because saintly wealthy white adoptive “angels” don’t want anything but healthy white infants.

What caught my eye was that there’s a Muslim teenage boy “looking for a home”. We’re a Muslim family. Of course, I don’t know his whole story. But he will be out of the system in a year or so. I don’t believe you magically know how the world works or can survive in your own when you hit 18. I’ve heard of this concept of adopting teens who are about to age out, so they have a home base/landing pad as they become legal adults. As a Muslim, we have no concept of adoption as Islam holds that adoption in the western sense takes advantage of orphans and erases the heritage of children. Would pursuing adoption for this child benefit him in any way? What if I financially supported him to find distant family, college enrollment, career development etc.? Or even just a home to celebrate Ramadan and both Eid’s in, as I doubt he’s in a Muslim home placement?

One response – Does it have to be adoption? Could you offer him guardianship in your state? Or even foster him instead so he has a Muslim household to go to?

Another notes – He’s old enough that you can ask him what he prefers. And another agrees and suggests – Present him with information and let him choose his future. And yet another – See what he wants to do and find out your options.

One advises – there are probably financial benefits for him, such as insurance, maybe help with tuition, stuff like that… Since he is an older child you could take him in and explore those things and give him a chance to decide if that is the choice that he wants.

Another shares – My former sister in law did this with one of her students. But she became his guardian and didn’t adopt. I’m not sure how they came to that arrangement, but he became part of the family as a teenager and she calls him her son. They supported him financially and he was able to get lots of scholarships all the way through grad school because he wasn’t adopted.

One who experienced foster care as a youth writes – NO to adoption or “permanent” placement. I was “placed” at 17 and 1 month away from aging out. The state decided I didn’t need any help related to foster care after that. I wasn’t eligible for ANYTHING related to being in care. I ended up homeless shortly after. This kid will lose transitional assistance if adopted or “permanently” housed.

One adoptive parent wrote – Check with the agency and your state in terms of what support they receive through young adulthood, if you adopt or not. The FAFSA for federal aid for education now has a question that asks if the student has been in foster care at any time after the age of 13, and if so they are considered independent and eligible for more aid than when parents income is considered. But consider what age they will have health insurance – if you have employer insurance that allows you to add them and continue to age 26, then that could be a big help to a young adult, if their state based medical insurance would end sooner. It varies by state whether there is any support available for foster youth between ages 18-21.

One adoptive parent noted – In California, he will be eligible for more aid from the state, if he is not adopted. However, the idea of your family including him in celebrations and becoming a source of cultural, religious, and emotional support is lovely.

A CASA volunteer shares – he may benefit more from supervised independent living thru age 21, if available. You could offer to be a resource as a place to go during college breaks and holidays, without making a formal arrangement. He might then consider/ask to be adopted as an adult. There may be certain advantages to not having to claim your income as household income, when it comes to services and educational expense.

An adoptive parent through foster care writes – I wish we had a federal system with normed supports to give you a concrete answer. You need to do some homework to see what is available in your specific state and region via options. Many regions offer more supports without adoption, such as transitional housing, college support, stipends, etc, where even guardianship would not be his best option. Other areas children loose all supports at 18, if not in care, but keep medical and a stipend until 23, if adopted as a teen. (I wish that wasn’t the case but it is in some places). I would just reach out to the case worker and not mention ANYTHING about the type of permanency and just start the conversation with that you are a Muslim home and would love to support. Some case workers will push adoption, so just get your foot in the door with some real conversations on how you can support him before mentioning your concerns about adoption. Having people in your corner to talk to, lean on, and celebrate with, would be an amazing support in and of itself.

A foster parent shares her experience with an orphaned teen. She is also a former CASA. They may well get more benefits, if they age out. It depends what they need or want to do, as to if it matters in their particular situation. As an example, I know a 17 yo wanting to go to four year private college, then grad school after that. If they are listed as independent, no parents, they very likely will get more in scholarships for both schools. If they are adopted, even after aging out, they’d no longer be considered independent, then the graduate school they want to attend would then require the parent assets and income information in considering private scholarships. Some scholarships are still available, if a foster kid is adopted at age 17. Others are not. It really depends what they want to do. Adoption means if the adopters pass away, the kid will inherit what they had but that can be done with wills and trusts, if you want to leave them anything should you pass away.

Another person who spent time in foster care and then was adopted notes – The aid at the state level is universally better and there are new federal aid packages that have lowered the minimum age and raised the limit for aid for people who have ever been in foster care. The foster care alumni association used to have some awesome resources. I would not participate in formal adoption but rather open your home as one resource (but don’t be offended, if they don’t accept). I had several home bases that filled different voids my adopted mom had but those relationships are since no longer a part of my life by my choice.

Adoption Reform

Trying to come up with a topic for today – two words came to mind as closest to my heart – Adoption Reform. I googled the words and found LINK>The Outspoken Adoptee. I am happy to share her with you.

She writes – “I am a domestic private infant adoptee, that was adopted transracially by white parents in 1976, in Utah. I was giving up at birth, and left in a hospital by my racist biological maternal family. This was done because they believed their Mormon faith could not sustain a Black child within the home. My biological mother had been dating my father for many years, even living with him, yet she chose to leave her firstborn daughter in a hospital alone. My biological mother went on to become pregnant six months later with my all-white half sister, whom was kept and raised by the very family that exiled me from it. My mission now it to bring awareness to the corrupt private adoption system that profits billions off of selling babies, and children.” 

She posts the definition of “reform” – “verb, Make changes in (something, typically a social, political, or economic institution or practice) in order to improve it.” and adds “an opportunity to reform and restructure an antiquated adoption model.”

It is generally recognized that to be adopted is to be traumatized. She shares – “Trauma-informed care (TIC) is defined by the LINK>National Child Traumatic Stress Network as medical care in which all parties involved assess, recognize and respond to the effects of traumatic stress on children, caregivers and healthcare providers. In the clinical setting, TIC includes the prevention, identification and assessment of trauma, response to trauma and recovery from trauma as a focus of all services.”

She notes – “Adoptees are often asked if we’d rather kids stay in foster care forever rather than them find homes to care for them. This is such an unintelligent question that lacks all critical thinking. So what are the alternatives to adoption, and why are they important?” She lists Kinship, as well as the Fictive type, and Legal Permanent Guardianship.

To answer why these alternatives are better, she writes (I encourage you to go to the link above because she has much more to say) – [1] “The way adoption in the United States is done it’s strips a child in crisis of their basic birthright.”  [2] “Furthermore, adoption in the United States also severs all ties to the child’s biological family including siblings, as well as all medical history.” [3] “Children do not need to be legally adopted and stripped of their birthright for a family, whether biological or stranger to care for them. Legal permanent guardianship offers all the same rights.” [4] “Children cannot legally give informed consent to being put into a legally binding contract for life.”

Finally, she notes – “Adoption in the United States also breaks 15/30 rights of a child set-forth by the UN.” LINK>Convention on the Rights of the Child.

Difficult Conversations

Not the child in today’s story.

We have guardianship of a 7yr old. He has lived with us twice before through foster care but always returned home after sobriety was achieved.

Guardianship happened after the 3rd relapse in 6 years.

Grandparents have guardianship of some older siblings and often go camping in the summer and invite his mom to join them (their daughter and mother of the kids).

How would you navigate the conversation of yes he can go camping with his family but he can’t move back in with his mom, since she is still in rehab and we don’t know when/if he ever will, due to her substance abuse history?

Is it as simple as saying it that way? I don’t want to overcomplicate it.

He knows that his mom was arrested for drugs and that’s why he has lived with us through the years. His whole life we have genuinely had a good relationship with his mom. We send her pictures and he has had several supervised visits since the last relapse and they FaceTime several times during the week.

One suggestion – “All grown-ups need help taking care of kids. That’s why we are teamed up with the adults in your family, so that we can all help each other take the best care of you.”

One person formerly in foster care asks – Do you think he would want to go? I’m only speaking from my personal experience. I didn’t like events like that when I was a kid with my father because he would try to act like he was this good dad and it was uncomfortable and I felt out of place the entire time. That’s not to say he shouldn’t go but there are a lot of emotional things to navigate outside of just her sobriety.

Another one suggested – put it back on the courts, if he asks. “Right now the judge decided it’s best for you to stay with us. When the judge tells us you can come back to your mom we will absolutely make it happen.” And if he asks when, it’s okay to say that you don’t know but will keep him updated as soon as you do.

An elementary school teacher who has some experience with parents that have addiction issues said – the camping experience is an opportunity for an extended visit with your mom and grandparents. Your mom and grandparents are going to make sure you and your siblings have a great time together. Your mom is still doing some really important work to be her best, and she still needs some more time to do that. Which means you are not going to go home to live with her yet. She added – ask if he’s comfortable with that because it might be more traumatic for him to deal with that separation all over again. She also suggested a therapist to talk about the trauma he’s experienced, in general. She then shared – My mom struggled with addiction for years and, while I was never removed, I wish I could have had someone who didn’t make her the bad guy for fighting a really difficult disease. It takes an incredible amount of work to fight that addiction, and kudos to his mom to keep trying.

One adoptive parent said – Sometimes the answers are just what they are and there isn’t a nice explanation just a hard truth. we just talk about it honestly. Mom had a drug addiction and tons of childhood trauma herself. We talk about those things. How trauma and addiction can effect us. We always emphasize that it isn’t anything against them. She added – my experience is to always go with the truth. Sometimes the situation just sucks and it is ok to say that. And added – she never negatively talks about their Mom – ever – but the girls sometimes express anger. We validate those feelings but I never jump on that bandwagon.

Not A Fun Experience

Okay, just a moment of humor before diving in –

(From someone else, not your blogger) – Recently a young woman who confides in me and looks up to me came to me and told me she thinks pregnancy is disgusting and wants to only pursue surrogacy and adoption when she gets married. Mind you she’s young and nowhere close to getting married. She thinks being pregnant and giving birth is repulsive — zero trauma, just grossed out.

Our religion has similar views of adoption and surrogacy, basically it’s a no go from that angle. I also gently let her know that as a mother myself, I think if you are absolutely disgusted by pregnancy, you will not survive being a parent. My pregnancy was no picnic but it did not compare still to one day of being a mom. I said it was unfair to offload her disgust and apprehensions into someone else and just buy the baby in the end.

She lashed out and said I’m saying that women who can’t or don’t want to get pregnant don’t deserve to be mothers. I said there’s a huge difference between can’t get pregnant and absolutely don’t want to. And that regardless, adoption and surrogacy are unethical “solutions” to not wanting to or not being able to birth a baby.

She is still blowing up my phone angry as hell. Am I wrong for these statements?

(Offensive adoptee perspective incoming) – I’ll say it: it’s not that women who can’t or refuse to get pregnant, don’t *deserve* to be mothers, it’s that women who can’t or refuse to get pregnant *aren’t* mothers. No matter how they acquire it, these young role players can be wonderful guardians! And caretakers! And make huge positive impacts on a child’s life! But they’ll never be that child’s mother. Sorry not sorry.

Damn-It Missouri

Today’s story (and as usual – not mine) –

I had court today and I was told by the judge that she can’t safely reunify me with my four children because I allegedly have a history of having multiple boyfriends/toxic relationships. I’ve been in a relationship with two men in 5 years. She said the case has been opened for 14 months and time is running out. My lawyer told me after court I can pick adoption or guardianship for two of my children (with a new foster family who are strangers with either choice). There is no guarantee they will be together. My oldest son will go to his dad’s house. My baby is 4 months old and I can still work towards reunification, since I’m not at my year mark yet.

I got granted weekend overnights on May 2nd and 3 hours later they showed up, after a guy I was briefly seeing reported it. They removed my newborn for allegedly allowing a man to live with me and my newborn for 2 months. I didn’t have anyone living with me, other then my newborn. I had 4 people verify that – my parents, my baby sitter, and my service provider. The court moved me back to supervised visits.

I’m desperately trying to get my kids out of foster care. I was adopted as a child and it was extremely hard. I can’t fathom it for my children. I don’t know what to do. I’m not on drugs, never have been. I’ve been a homeowner for 4 years. I’ve worked in healthcare for 4 years. I own my own car. My kids have everything they need. I just don’t understand what’s going on with this case.

When asked, she confirmed she is in Christain County, Missouri, 25 min south of Springfield. Her attorney is paid by the state and goes along with whatever the Juvenile Officer says. One former Missouri caseworker suggested she “contact the Office of Child Advocate about how your case is being managed, specifically mentioning the change in visitation.” However, she had already done that and her request for a review was denied. The Children’s Division made her wait 39 days before she could see her newborn and 44 days before she could see her other 3 kids, as well as the court moving her back to supervised visits.

The caseworker noted –  if they are giving you the option to consent to guardianship that typically means they don’t have a solid case for Termination of Parental Rights (TPR). So even though you are almost at the 15 month mark, they probably won’t formally change the plan quite yet. There aren’t any long-term consequences in not consenting to guardianship, like there are with TPR when it comes to their ability to remove any future children you might have. However, after 6 months of guardianship the placement providers can file for adoption, so keep that in mind. Guardianship is also reversible, meaning you can petition the court to have it dissolved at any point, after it is granted. I would hope that your caseworker would explain all of this to you, but just wanted you to know, in case they don’t.

LINK>Current Missouri Foster Care Statistics

From the LINK>Missouri Independent – More than half the frontline staff working in the Children’s Division at the start of the last fiscal year left by the end of the year. Children’s Division Director Darrell Missey said the system has long trended toward the “reactive” over “proactive,” and is “driven by our fear of what might happen later, [which] results in a lot of kids in foster care.” 

Other general (not specifically Missouri related) details – Child welfare professionals remove children from their parents more than 250,000 times per year. Across the country, removal decisions are based on inconsistent standards and practice — often applied disproportionately — and result in trauma for children and families. While separating children from their parents should be an intervention of last resort in child welfare practice, there is little guidance about how to prevent removal, mitigate trauma, and connect families to more appropriate supports when needed.

The current process for deciding when to remove a child is flawed and inconsistent, which causes harm and prevents families from getting the support they actually need. Revisiting the standards for removal is critical. Only public officials with training in both the legal standards for removal and how to mitigate trauma should remove children, and only when all other interventions have been exhausted.

Too Many People Already

I can’t see my all things adoption group agreeing with this one but sometimes it is one of the arguments. Today, I read (and to be honest, this concern was minor compared to the others) –

I sterilized myself last year because my bloodline is just plain bad. My genes are very bad. I am also not healthy enough to carry safely, and I know what genes I and my fiancé would be putting into our prospective biological child. On the off chance that the baby would be healthy, that would be fantastic. But I can’t guarantee that, especially knowing what I have wrong with me and what is in my bloodline. I feel it would be very selfish of me to give birth to a child who would potentially have even more problems than I have. Plus, I don’t want to add more life into the world when it’s already overrun. I didn’t ask to be born, neither would our biological child. Her question to the group was – Can someone please give me a better idea of what qualifies as ‘good’ adoption and what qualifies as ‘selfish’? I want to make sure that we do it right, with as minimal trauma as possible.

From a mother of loss to adoption (aka birth mother) – Most adoption is basically legal human trafficking. It is likely to have lasting impacts on children – even if they’re separated at birth. In my own opinion, the only “good” adoptions are unavoidable ones where a child is orphaned, abandoned, or removed from an abusive/neglectful household where reunification isn’t an option. Otherwise you’re basically buying a baby and putting your own desires above the actual wellbeing of the child.

An adoptive mother asks – If you aren’t healthy enough to carry a child, are you healthy enough to raise them? Here was her reply – when I say not healthy enough to carry, I mean as in I am obese. We all know what overweight can do to a pregnancy, and being obese is even worse. I also have badly scarred lungs from many bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia and have high blood pressure. The risk for miscarriage is very high. Luckily because I’m sterile, I don’t have to worry about that. 

The follow-on question from an adoptee was – How are you going to keep up with kids ? Her reply was – I’m taking medicine to make my condition bearable and I’m steadily losing weight (15 pounds down!) Plus my fiancé is much more active than I, so he can take over when I cannot continue. I also look at my mom who has been obese her entire life with me. She kept up with me.

One adoptee notes – I had 16 children and am not a pixie … nothing with my weight was an issue. I was 260 with my last. (Same dad/husband for all). 

From a Baby Scoop Era adoptee who was pregnant as a teen but who parented asks – are you healthy enough to parent, chase after and be reasonably certain that “you” are healthy enough to keep up with and participate in all the physically challenging aspects of raising a child???? For at least 30 years???? They do not stay cute/cuddly babies forever!?! Consider joining a gym and adopting a puppy or kitten!?

Another adoptee notes – You’ve been here, hearing that adoption is unethical and causes harm, yet you still want there to be “a right way” to do things for yourself. You’ve still got a bit of de-centering to do in this conversation. She replied – I don’t necessarily mean a ‘right’ way, but a less traumatizing way. I would love to have the chance to be a parent in the best way possible, but not by giving birth to my own. I’d like to find the best way to go about adoption minimizing trauma as much as possible, since I know trauma will still be a thing no matter what. The adoptee states – Adoption legally disrupts identity, family, and history. Consider other ways of helping displaced children, such as fostering and supporting reunification, or supporting teens as they age out and start making their own way, temporary or permanent legal guardianship, other legal transfers of custody. Kids shouldn’t be required to give up anything in order to get the help they need.

Another mother of loss to adoption shares – it’s weird to me that you know it causes trauma and you still want to do it. Reminds me of my own situation. My son’s adoptive mother knew there would be trauma but thought that if we did open adoption well enough, it could mitigate that trauma for him. I don’t yet know how he feels about it as an adult but I’m so angry about it now. That she was glad to do the harmful thing – just hoping to make it less harmful.

When the woman complains – “This is tiring” Another adoptee replies – really?! This is tiring for you imagine how tiring it is for people that are adopted telling you over and over again that adoption is trauma, and it is selfish and human trafficking yet you try to justify your actions by doing it because of your health issues. Having a child is not a right it’s a privilege… and it seems to me you don’t have that privilege. You do not have to adopt a child in order to give it external care but participating in the system is participating in human trafficking.

Someone formerly in foster care disagrees with the above –  I believe she means tiring because she’s repeating herself in different ways. I can understand where the system is abused and children are being taking advantage of by the system. I have been in there while I was in foster care. However, being in foster care is not the same for everyone. Most kids would love to be reunited with their parents because most don’t understand the harm they were in. Later in life they find out and can appreciate being removed from harmful situations. Also, there are children who hope to be adopted to have a family that they choose and chooses them. I have also been here. I’ve been in multiple foster care homes and was adopted as a teenager. I also recently adopted my nephew and his sister (mom had a baby by an unknown father). I fostered them for over 2 years trying to reunite and both her and my brother chose to sign over their rights. I tried helping her and taking her to her rehab centers and she would leave and say it’s too hard. She was also prostituting and using drugs and coming to supervised visits high and unable to keep her eyes open. Dept of Social Services gave the ultimatum that either I adopt or they will find someone else who will because she had given up trying at all. So I understand all perspectives. Sometimes no matter what anyone does the birth parents aren’t going to get their life together. The kids are already in the system. Adoption can allow a sense of home and normalcy other than being that foster child or not being able to call anyone mom or dad or whatever. (Also, I don’t force anyone to call me anything. I ask them what do they feel comfortable calling me and how they want me to address them). It’s important for them to feel included and know their opinions matter.

When The Name Is The Abuser’s

When the name we carry is also that of an abuser – today’s story (not mine).

I know changing names during adoption is typically a no, however I’m curious about opinions in this circumstance. I’m adopting my niece and nephews. The oldest’s (age 4) middle name is after his natural dad, and a man his dad claims as his dad. (In reality, it’s just an older man they befriended.) Both of those men being the main 2 abusers. In every kind of way. My middle name is technically after my grandpa, who abused me, and I’ve always wanted it changed, which is where this is coming from. I want to make certain that I’m not just projecting my own feelings, which I admit is possible. This case has been extremely triggering, given my past. Do you think in this circumstance that changing his middle name would be beneficial ?

One adoptee responded – My gut reaction is that this about you and your dislike for your own middle name (I’d encourage you to change it, btw). Have you asked the child ? My first thought is that you should keep the name the same for right now, while this transition is being made and because it’s his middle name, it doesn’t have the impact of a first name. Hold space for those two kids and see what comes up.

From another adoptee – His middle name is his choice. Period. Get the child in therapy and let him discuss his trauma and triggers. If his middle name ends up being a trigger for him, then have an open conversation about it. Leave your trauma at the door, when it comes to having an open conversation about his trauma. If changing your name will help you feel more comfortable, you should 100% do that !

From an adoptee (who changed their name as an adult) – you’re projecting. You should change your name for you, and you should wait to let kiddo change his name (or not) for him. I like the name I share with an abuser. It’s my name. When I changed my name as an adult, I kept the portion I shared with the abuser. My whole childhood adults pressured/“offered” to change my last name because of who I shared it with and I’m thankful I always felt brave enough to say no.

This person adds – Not wanting to share the name of an abuser is 100% valid, but it’s not the universal viewpoint. It’s totally possible in time that nephew may want to change his name, and it’s also possible that he won’t but you don’t know now. Also having changed my name has caused me significantly more extra work than I thought it would. I have to bring the court doc when I travel internationally, I have to list my old name as a “previous alias” when I apply for rentals, and I’ve struggled to get old documents because my ID doesn’t match their version. This is a much smaller reason than not fucking with someone’s identity, but I don’t think anyone should get to choose this for someone else who didn’t consent.

This one who is a foster/adoptive parent, and also shares that she was rescued from hopeful adoptive parents when she was pregnant at 17, says – I am allowed to share that both my sons (as they have requested to be called) have changed their names but differently and for different reasons. We made sure they discussed it with their therapist and reassured them that what they choose has no baring on the love and care we will give them (including whether or not they want to someday contact their biological family. Or how they want their Fostering/Guardianship/Adoption handled). Our only rule is, while they are allowed to express themselves and what they want to do, they absolutely may NOT attack their sibling for choosing a different path. Each journey is traumatic and will be handled by different people differently. We also reassured them they can always change their minds without judgement (But I won’t pay for another name change till after 18). Unfortunately, your nephew is not old enough to make these decisions for himself. And there lies the difficulty. In almost all cases, I do NOT suggest changing their name and do suggest waiting till they are older to decide for themselves. I will admit that I make exception for Sexual Abuse or Attempted Murder victims. I am a sexual abuse victim myself and my Dead Name is as it is called…Dead to me.

Counseling On Adoption Trauma

Today’s question – Do you feel like you were informed or educated on adoption trauma prior to adoption/guardianship ?

A mom who gave her child up for adoption answers – I was never offered counseling nor thought to seek it. When I did google information on adoption back then, nothing about trauma came up. If I had known then what I know now, I never would have done it. I have regretted it every single day of my life and will until the day I die. In response, someone noted – Those sentiments in a conversation with an adult child. Feelings of having been coerced (universally common in agency adoptions). Regret. Loss. Honestly expressing these may go a long way to help her and the child heal as they come out of the fog. An adoptee who also surrendered a child to adoption adds –  It was incredibly healing to hear similar from my mom, and having that conversation with my son brought us even closer. What would have been unbelievably hurtful would have been to hear that my mom was happy she gave me away. 

The experience is different when adopting through foster care – an adoptive parent answers –  Yes and no. The agency we adopted through, the program we did, was mostly older (in the adoption world) placements through foster care. So yes, there was a lot of information about trauma. I felt very well educated and very well informed. We read a lot of books, had a lot of mental health resources already in place, attended trainings, etc. I am also a psychiatric nurse, so I had exposure to it already. That being said, there was still a lot of focus on the trauma being prior to adoption or early in adoption process. Since we were educated on how important birth family was, to honor that loss and grief, keep connections, and knew not to punish behaviors that were from trauma, utilize/provide resources for the children and ourselves etc, then everything would be rainbows and unicorns eventually. (Reality check – it is NOT that false narrative.)

Another adoptive parent shares –  No. The Dept of Social Services (DSS) didn’t give any information, but I had studied adoption trauma in grad school. DSS was actually “shocked” when I said that my foster daughter needed therapy. Thankfully, we were referred to an OUTSTANDING doctor who dealt almost exclusively with adoption trauma, including Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

One who has guardianship notes – there was nothing. The judge signed the order and I had to figure it out from there. Child Protective Services stopped in one time to make sure we were minimally sufficient and we had one call from the court investigator. There was no support or information given. I actually find it really frustrating because when we finally did get a little support it was like a quarter of the amount foster parents get. And I was trying to keep a family member out of the system. To become a foster parent there were multiple classes. I’m not sure if they were actually as unhelpful as I remember but the whole process was overwhelming (I was 20, my cousin was going into foster care, long term guardianship was denied and we had to get approved, so he didn’t go to strangers). I’ll be honest. I was not trauma informed at all. I didn’t have a great understanding of addiction, mental health and trauma. As we get closer to adopting (a separate kin placement 6 years later) there has been a lot more information but we haven’t been offered counseling specifically. There was a two day adoption class through the state that was actually really informative and had people from all parts of the triad there to speak. We have cared for older children but it was a fight to get services for them and one child that needed medication wasn’t able to get it until reunification.

Why Does It Surprise You ?

From a Transracial Infant Adoptee – When you adopt, you are not disillusioned to the reality of privilege. In a lot of cases, you know the situation surrounding the reason adoption is being chosen, and the circumstances. So when your adult adoptees eventually come back and question everything, why does it surprise you ? Why is there such a need to gaslight them about the truth behind their origins ? Or determine the narrative for them ? You knew coming into all of this where they came from and you should have known the trauma you would be placing on them, if you participated. So why is it such a shock when they decide to see the child trafficking for what it is ? Or the fact that you gained from the tearing apart of a family ? As an adult adoptee, all of the above truly does baffle me. If anything, I would expect adoptive parents to be the most sympathetic, empathetic and empowering individuals that they could be. Rather than shocked, butt hurt & defensive about a situation they themselves created. Especially in regards to the child fully recognizing what the industry is and the trauma it intentionally inflicts.

One adoptee responded – I think they forget that we grow up ! Oh, and of course, they believe they are different.

The original poster wanted responses from adoptive parents and one answered – In all 3 of my cases, I knew the circumstances as they were told to me. 2 cases ended up being much worse and one was slightly different. My adult adoptees have not come back to question because they were told their story from birth, and retold as often as they wanted to hear it. As adults, the two older ones have been in contact with birth family. They were given all the truths I knew. Yes, we knew that raising adopted children would cause them different emotions, thought, feelings than raising biological children. Not one of my 3 have compared their adoption to child trafficking, so I have not had that shock to deal with. I have admitted since the first day I held my first child all that I have gained. The biological moms were not teenagers and were not without resources. All of the adoptive parents I personally know are sympathetic, empathetic and empowering individuals. I know that is not true in all cases. I’m so very sorry that so many adoptees have had such traumatic experiences. And I’m thankful that there are groups where adoptees can share what they experienced with others to lean on. There are times when adoption is the best solution for a child to have a stable home. If anyone comments, I will gladly respond.

Another adoptee suspects – Some adoptive parents are so blinded by their “need” for a child that they become deluded and believe that the adoptee is truly “as if born to” and should gratefully play along with their own delusion. They don’t want to discuss the adoptee’s start in life and family because it threatens their delusion.

And one who was in foster care from birth and then put into a forced adoption at age 10 during the LINK>Baby Scoop Era in a closed adoption writes – I also think that too many adoptive parents (and hopeful adoptive parents) really do not recognize the crucial part that they play in an adoption – the rewards are theirs – the power dynamics are theirs too (once the adoption is finalized and they get what they wanted, including name changes, erasure of first family and a new birth certificate that proclaims them as the owners). They keep telling themselves that they are doing it all in the ‘best interests of the child’ (or baby). But is it really ? Could they have imagined a different way to help ? To care for and love ? Could they have fought harder for Legal Guardianship instead ? Can they make the promise that they will do everything possible (and really mean that) ASAP to discover the child’s natural family, heritage, family medical information and to keep the child’s own culture and needs truly front and center as a focus, while that is child is being raised outside of their own genetic, biological family ? Unless an adoptive parent is willing to go all in and do that – they will be shocked when the youth (or adult adoptee) scorns or derides their actual intent notes that they are an integral part of the broken system that helps to keep it chugging along.