Her Biggest Mistake

From an all things adoption group I belong to – Everyday I hear natural mothers share how giving up their child was the biggest mistake they ever made. I see them share their heartache and pain that sometimes is spanning decades. Sometimes I just don’t understand how hopeful adoptive parents can continue going through the process of adopting, if they are listening to these women. I mean what do they tell themselves to make it ok to take someone’s child, knowing the pain it could cause. The hopeful adoptive parents in groups seeing this, do you feel guilt ? How do you reconcile another’s pain for your gain ?

Some random comments –

From someone adopted as an infant – What’s interesting is as an adopted child I was almost raised to believe it was my “responsibility” to also adopt. In reality, I longed for genetic mirroring and went on to have 2 wonderful children of my own (who luckily got to meet my genetic, biological mom, uncle, and half sister 3 weeks ago, for a weeklong visit of beautiful reunion)! I had my first child at 31, second at 33, and did not really start to come out of the fog until after they were born. I wonder if I had been unable to have children, if I would have still felt adoption was an option, or my “responsibility”, or if my nature would have known otherwise.

From a mother who “lost” her child to adoption – Family friends adopted my son, knowing that I longed to parent. They watched me receive pressure and coercion from my own family, offered me no practical help (although were very “kind” to me), and then told themselves that I made my own decision and that my son’s adoption was God’s will. They even kept the adoption open. So they saw my pain very openly until eventually I pulled all the pain inside. Obviously no one around me cared. Even IF no adoptee had ever expressed trauma, wouldn’t our own lifelong suffering be enough reason to end this practice? And then in fact, on top of our tremendous pain, sits the pain of our children. Wtf is wrong with our culture, that we would rather throw away the struggling than to help them?

From another mother of loss – I know that my daughter, who just turned 35 and is still very very much in the fog, was told that she couldn’t have any contact with me “for safety reasons”, which of course was a complete lie (It was a private adoption, not a Child Protective Services case or anything like that) and I think that idea that I was “dangerous”, even without saying specifically that I was, was incredibly scary, damaging and alienating to her.

The sister of an adoptee shares – a woman who had adopted a newborn was saying the baby’s actual mother was texting, saying she regretted giving her baby up for adoption. The adoptive mother was getting advice like “block and move on”, which is insanely cruel. I advised the adoptive parent to “do the right thing and return the baby to it’s mother who clearly misses her baby”. I was then dog piled on for even suggesting that because the actual mom had already signed away her rights, so the actual mom didn’t have a leg to stand on. The selfishness of many adoptive parents just drives me up a wall. I probably should have not been so blunt in my reply as I was blocked and didn’t get to see what happened but I couldn’t stand by without advocating for the reunification of this family. An adoptee replied – “I can’t imagine having someone else’s baby and not immediately taking steps to return the baby after receiving those texts. Do these people have hearts?” Even a foster/adoptive mother notes – “I don’t see how you can acknowledge someone’s deep suffering and when it is well within your ability to assuage that suffering… withhold the remedy. Even if it comes as a great cost to you… that’s what we are all here for. To love one another. Serve one another. I just can’t wrap my mind around that.”

Messy Complicated and Beautiful

The joy and heartache of friendships. We love our friends and they can break our hearts – just being the messy, complicated and beautiful human beings we all are. That said, some lives are much more challenging than ours. And when our dear friend has such a life, out of love, we do our best with the reality. This is one such story.

I’ve adopted two little girls from a childhood friend. They are ages 5 and 3. The five year old, I brought home when she was born, her mom was very ill at that time. The 3 year old came to me through the foster care system, when she was 9 months old at her mom’s request. My friend had stage 4 cirrhosis during both of the pregnancies, as well as substance abuse and varying illnesses and had been homeless most of her life, was suicidal and with a history of violent behavior. She was in and out of jail. She passed unexpectedly in December two years ago.

I knew the girls had 3 older sisters who were adopted out by the state years ago. I had promised their mom I would look for them but today, they found me. They are 16, 18 and 19. They were looking for their mom. They asked me point blank if their mom was still alive. I answered that and a few questions. I did let them know that she loved them and missed them and thought of them every day and wondered how they were doing. She had hoped to connect with them again. I let them know they had little sisters We exchanged photos.

I just don’t know how to navigate this. I don’t want to give them a negative image of their mom. I’m thinking of just letting them know that she had had a lot of trauma that led to her addictions and illnesses, kind of a negative spiral she got caught up in but that she was a beautiful, amazing person with a big heart and a brilliant mind who was funny and creative and one of a kind….

Some responses to this sad story about life’s more difficult realities.

You tell those sisters that she was a human being that battled a war. With her self, her world, and still loved her children. Even while she fought. There’s something terribly strong and loving about that.

Let them know the truth as much as age appropriate for them to grasp. The real truth is people are messy & complicated & beautiful all at the same time, and that’s something they can grasp at any age, regardless of depth of details.

Please tell the older girls everything – the good, the bad, the ugly. They can handle it and it’ll be valuable information as they navigate their own trauma and mental health issues (and questions about their lives).

The woman replied – I’ve talked to two of the older girls and answered their questions. I sent them videos of their mom telling her life story, about her paintings and stuff.

Difficult Relationships In The Moment Of Dying

Even when an adoptee is able to find and attempt a reunion with their biological mother, it doesn’t always go well. Case in point, a woman who tried to create a relationship about 11 years ago. The woman and her mother talked on the phone for months almost every single day. During that time period, they were supposed to meet multiple times. The mother always ended up backing out – every single time. The adoptee tried to give her mother the benefit of the doubt, but it hurt more and more every single time this happened.

She found out 2 days ago that her biological mother had been put into a medically induced coma and a decision was made to pull the plug and her mother died. This woman goes on to say – I didn’t really think I would have any feelings in regards to her passing as I didn’t have a relationship with her. Yet, last night I didn’t get much sleep and I’ve been in this fog since I found out. I haven’t cried, but I have been feeling a little bit of regret.”

Then comes the kicker for her – she finds out that her mother put her and a younger sister (age 19 and was raised by her biological dad, a step mom and somewhat their mutual biological mother) down as her next of kin, which is technically true but can have unintended consequences. She has learned that they will both have to sign the paperwork for the funeral home to cremate their mother and will be required to make all of the decisions about her services.

She goes on to say – I know nothing about this woman. I’ve hated her for so long that I literally blocked her in every way possible. Why would she put this responsibility on me? It has made me so mad. And I don’t even know if everything has already been paid for or if my little sister and I have to pay for it. I literally can’t afford to pay for anything else right now except my bills. I am seriously at a loss.

And yet, there comes another woman in similar circumstances with a different experience. Her biological mother is dying but recently blocked her on Facebook. She is distressed because she won’t even get to say goodbye to her mother. But sympathetically, she acknowledges that she would also be mad if someone tried to make her responsible for her deceased mother’s expenses, especially since her mother won’t even speak to her.

And she goes on to acknowledge – Either way, it’s tough – especially when we are told all our lives that we aren’t rejected – we are loved and wanted and then you grow up and get rejected all over again.

The experience of yet another woman reminds me of my own mom . . .

I spent years hating my birth mom. She died the month I decided to start looking. Then my siblings found me to let me know she’d died before I even started. I was not involved in anything and I really didn’t know her. Sometimes I wish I could have been there, or been acknowledged some way. I don’t know what’s worse.

One biological mother who gave up her child to adoption wrote – if I died, I would put my daughter down as a person on the list. I would want it to be her choice for once. She could choose to be a part or just drop her biological mother for good. I just feel like it would be rude not to include her, even though our relationship is bad, I would still want her to have the choice. I know, kinda crap after the fact but I’m trying not to make any more decisions for her.

Being an adoptee is complicated business, even once the adoptee is grown and a mature adult. First of all – no one can make you financially responsible in this situation. Do not sign anything and make the case that you are NOT legally related to this person.

However, this is always true – grief simply is complicated terrain for most people to navigate. There is nothing you might feel that can be labeled “wrong” … it just is how you feel. Anger is OK. Rage is OK. Sad is OK. Indifferent is OK. Relief is OK. Feeling nothing is OK. And most importantly, remember, none of this is going to be a permanent heartache in your life going forward, though it may always remain a painful memory.