Would This Be Confusing ?

Today’s question – I’ve gathered two different takes on what adoptees should call natural parents when they’re little (like too early to understand adoption, understand relationships, and decide for themselves what name they’d like to use for their adoptive and their natural parents). I’ve read that should our little call us and his first parents “Mommy/Daddy”, that it can cause confusion. I’ve also read that that idea is absolutely unfounded. We all truly want to do this right and don’t know which path to take. Natural mom is in the same boat as me (just wanting to make sure we do this as best as we can for our son), Natural dad wants mommy/daddy. That’s what he calls myself and my husband (at the moment. It’s changed a lot over the last year!) so we would all end up as mommy and daddy. I should add that he’s two and he does see his natural parents monthly. We plan to be very open and honest with him, age appropriate, so we are definitely not trying to hide anything. I would appreciate suggestions from anyone in here, but I really want to hear from adoptees who also were able to maintain an open relationship with first parents from a young age. Did the same labels cause confusion? What worked best for you?

An adoptee asks the obvious question – why can’t more than one person hold a title of Mom/Mommy or Dad/Daddy ? I have multiple Grandmas and Grandpas but was never confused. Same sex families also seem to have no trouble finding variations of Mom/Mama/Mum/Mummy/Mommy. Personally I think a lot of those books are written by other adoptive parents who are just desperate to claim any title they feel should belong to them.

Another adoptee answers similarly – I feel like it is extremely common for adopters to use “the labels are confusing !” as a cop out. If a child can understand they have 2 dads (and zero moms), then an adoptee can understand they have multiple moms/multiple dads etc, whatever the configuration may be. Adoptees do not exclusively belong to one set of parents. I hate the term natural parents, I hate “birth parents” much more. I wish adopters would just abandon their fragility and say “your other mom” or even just “your mom” when referencing the natural mother. If the kid is confused, then explain ! Labels are not confusing. If an adoptee is confused about which parents are which, the adopters are not explaining things as clearly as they need to be explaining them. Using the “confusing labels” cop out is just a way to give natural parents labels that carve out their parenthood, as a way of propping up the adopters above them, all disguised as concern for the adoptee.

An international adoptee makes the point – My first mom has always been mom. My first dad has always been dad. I hate my first parents a lot, but I will always call them my parents. That’s what feels right. My adoptive parents are my American parents. Labels are not confusing. You could use names too. Like “Mommy Sally”, “Mommy Tina”, “Daddy Bill”, “Daddy Tom.” Just to differentiate exactly who you’re talking about. But I do hate the term natural and birth parents. Adoption does not erase who our parents are and our true origin, despite having to be raised outside of our own family.

I found this answer timely – The only issue I’ve ever come across about differentiating between my “moms” (I have 3 and called them all mom) Is when I’m talking to other people and reference “my mom”. I know which one I am talking about, but other people need clarification regarding “which mom” OR if they don’t know me well, they just assume I’ve been talking about only one person, instead of multiple moms.

One mother who lost her child to adoption makes this point – From the start – you are not the child’s mother – you are the adoptive mom. Never forget that. Make certain the child knows this as well. (Age appropriate). Further, teach the child to be free to introduce you (if desired) as “my adoptive mom” – that is what you are. The conversation can go on to reference – “my mother lives ______ and I see her often”. Your adopted child is young. Titles may change over time.

Good point from an adoptive mother – both of you can be Mom and Dad. If it bothers you to call them that , then you really need to look in the mirror and reflect why that bothers you. My daughter has 2 mom’s and 2 dad’s. She is 9 now and if you ask her, that is what she will say because when we speak about her parents, they are Mom and Dad. Let the child choose on their own and refer to them as Mom and Dad.

Another adoptive mother shares her experience – My 7 yo calls both me and her mom Mom/Mommy/Mama. At first, it was Mommy First Name – then we quickly moved to just Mommy. We tried to have Mama for one and Mommy for the other but ended up just smooshing all together because she naturally uses all of these. Context and clarify as needed work. If I could go back, I might have made myself First Name, but still not sure. Definitely follow the child’s lead…. Also, I am moving in the direction of the comment about transitioning back to the biological family. It seems more complicated with an older child (at least, I think so) and I really appreciate someone saying it and keeping the pressure on adoptive parents to really ask ourselves – what’s in the best interest of the child, not just what’s best for us /“our family”. … I am genuinely working on it.

One adoptee tries this – What is so confusing? nothing is confusing. We are adopted, we have 2 sets of mom/dad. This is just our reality. Why is this even a question ? Lots of families have more than one mom/dad outside of adoption. This is a non-issue question. Stop overthinking it. Your child has 2 sets of parents and that’s as simple as it is.

A kinship guardian notes – Kids are smarter than most people give them credit for. They rarely find their own situation confusing. It’s other adults who do.

An adoptee notes – A lot of people have their own agenda where advice about adoption is concerned and it’s rarely about what is best for the child. It’s not “confusing” to have 4 people whom you consider parents, so long as people act normal about it. What confuses us is being forced or pressured to choose what the adults want. Always ask yourselves if you are expecting the child to manage your feelings or social standing. Because seriously a lot of adoptive and natural parents seem more worried about how other adults see them, than if the kids are okay. You won’t die from embarrassment because your child calls someone else Mommy in public.

One other experience from an adoptive parent – titles change as they age. My adopted daughter who’s almost 6, currently refuses to call her mom and dad by those titles, just their 1st names. It’s too hard for her to process it, she shuts down. Anytime we try to talk about her parents and family, she shuts it down. I know that will change as she gets older but for now that’s where we’re at. Even when she was smaller, during visits if they used those names, she’d want to leave and was done. It’s not that she’s confused, it’s that she’s hurting and those emotions are so big and hard. It’s easier for now not to talk about it.

Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

I came across the concept of a wolf in sheep’s clothing today in a different frame of reference but it got me to thinking about the behavior of hopeful adoptive parents towards pregnant women. They clothe their desires in the sheep’s clothing of good intentions but what they really want is your baby.

I remember cartoons from my youth about the sheep dog watching over the flock. I wondered who the sheep dog is in adoption proceedings. Certainly, the judge who finalizes the adoption doesn’t really know anything about the couple who wants to adopt. My parents were adopted in the 1930s and in both cases I ran into references of social workers doing home visits to vet the prospective couple. I don’t know if they do that anymore in the modern capitalistic influenced “for profit” industry.

Ralph Wolf looks a lot like Wiley Coyote. Sam Sheepdog I remember.

Clueless Foster to Adopt

The goal of foster care is supposed to be family reunification. The parents have challenges that disrupt their ability to properly care for their children. The state steps in and removes the children from their family home. This is always a sad occurrence that calls for subtle considerate of the emotions involved.

There are many people who become foster carers with a hidden agenda. They hope that reunification fails and results in the permanent termination of parental rights and the door open to their adopting the child(ren) in their temporary care.

When one looks at this meme by a foster carer – it immediately becomes clear by the word “permanency” that the goal of this person is adoption. The celebration is because they believe they are that much closer to achieving that goal. This could never be viewed as a celebration by the child(ren) involved as they grieve what has happened to their family.

A proper foster carer would hold space for the child to feel however they need to feel about the situation without judging their emotions. It should be understood as one of the worst days of this child(ren)’s life. So, let them feel that and stand quietly alongside them as they process the circumstance. Beyond this clueless approach, there’s this issue.

The lack privacy regarding the reasons for separating families.

There are foster support groups riddled with fosters sharing details about the children’s parents’ cases. Details about drug use, neglect factors, criminal history. HOW do fosters even know any of this?? What happened to privacy laws in this country?

So if you’re an addict, struggling, dealing with mental health issues, it’s totally cool for strangers to be privy to that ?

First of all, social workers are not the ones removing the kids in most cases. They are reading words on a piece of paper. This is how they determine the situation that caused the initial removal. It is not surprising that bias and burnout then factor in, regarding how a social worker views the family.

How does sharing details and disgust not create bias against the natural family with the fosters right at the beginning ? There is no reason that fosters should need any details about the parents in order to provide care for the kids ..zero! All they need to know is – what do the kids need ? Clinical info only about the children! Anything else is just their morbid curiosity disguised as concern. It is unbelievable, the degree of information about private matters that some foster carers have received.

Skewing The Narrative

It is a fact that many adoptees will actually say they wish their natural, genetic, biological mother had aborted them. It is also a fact that the government does NOT fund abortions, contrary to the messaging that comes out of evangelical, pro-Life and conservative interests with the hidden agenda of triggering people’s emotions in order to get their vote. It is also true that the government is already funding some adoptions through a huge tax credit for the single adoptive person or couple. The government also funds adoptions from foster care paying court expenses. Many of these adoptions also receive an adoption subsidy, Medicaid and free tuition for the child.

And finally, I do speak from experience on this issue. I am grateful for access to a safe, legal abortion back in the early 1970s. That is a blessing that is increasingly hard to get access to. This planet actually already has enough people and truth be told, more than is sustainable.

I do believe in letting nature take it’s course. I believe that purging events such as the COVID 19 pandemic is an activity of this Earth. I believe that predators cull out the weak. Not that I wish to be a victim of either. I believe in the kind of God that always knows what each of that God’s individual expressions will do in any given situation. I believe in a life that is meant to teach our soul important lessons, make us more empathetic and give us a more tolerant perspective on human behavior. I also believe there is never anything wrong going on, even if we are unable to truly comprehend what we are seeing. And I do believe that humanity evolves and progresses and that includes what medical science advances including safe abortions and reproductive assistance. Finally, I believe that death is only an experience in our human lives but personally, I believe in eternal souls living more than one incarnation. We cannot kill a soul though we can kill the body that the soul moves about the planet with.

An image like the one above is offensive. Abortion and adoption have nothing to do with each other. Speaking of government funding – why not help families stay together, fund the help that struggling families actually need and support them through a financial crisis ? What if government funded birth control ? What if society supported struggling mothers ? What if society held fathers to higher standards ?

While I’m at it – what about free health care ? Mental health intervention ? How about the government starts caring about drug addicts and puts more funding into rehabs and counseling ?

Some of these people who think like the image above should have to spend at least 9 months forced to serve as a walking incubator for someone they’ll never be allowed to meet again, and then have all proof that they gave birth to a child erased by changed birth certificates and sealed adoption records. Yes, think about all of those mothers who have had that very experience. One can get over a conception and abortion quickly. One lives with the pain of having been separated from their child for a lifetime.