It Actually Is A Big Deal

I have seen the impact – in my mom and in my niece – both adoptees. Body image issues where the adoptive mother is determined to be thin and the adoptee has a body that is naturally larger. This can set up issues related to self-worth in an adoptee.

I belong to a mom’s group – all of our children were born within a 4 month period back in 2004 and were donor conceived. Many are going off to college now. Our family will relocate once our property sells because we have become aware and have accepted that there is a lack of social, educational and employment opportunities that match the interests and needs of our two sons. They are both egg donor conceived. They have the same genetic sources and so, are mirrors for each other. Their dad is also genetically related and I do see specific traits from him mirrored differently in one boy or the other. Because college is an issue right now among the other mothers in my group, I was attracted to this article today in Severance Magazine LINK>An Adoptee Confronts an Empty Nest by Sarah Reinhardt. Do take the time to read this well-written piece. I will only excerpt some thoughts from it.

What I had not considered until I read this story is the impact on an adoptee who finally has a genetic mirror in her own biological, genetic child and then, that child leaves to go off to study for their own higher education. My husband and I will likely experience this with our sons soon. They are ready to test their independent wings and fly off to their own separate futures. Many adoptees have deep abandonment issues and I can understand how these could be triggered when their own genetic, biological child leaves home, leaving behind an empty nest. My own parents conceived me when they were very young (it’s a miracle I didn’t end up adopted). It was always a given with them that they expected us to “leave.” With my sons, because my husband and I are older parents, I never cared if they didn’t leave but now I am facing that inevitability myself but without pushing them out the door. My heart knows the time is right for them to fly.

Sarah writes – “Sure, intellectually I’d known it was coming. In fact, I’d encouraged him to apply to out-of-state schools because he could ‘always come home,’ but I hadn’t truly emotionally prepared for the actual leaving piece of it. The unslept in bed that took my breath away the morning after I got home. Seeing the lone t-shirt that hadn’t been packed on the floor of his closet. Not hearing Spotify during his long showers or staying up until he was home from a night out with his friends, waiting to start a new show until he had a night free, or any of the myriad things that made up our routine.”

“His going had been, until this moment, just a concept—part of the plan when you have kids, or a kid, in my case. They graduate high school and they go to college—or at least that’s what I understood. And as other parents have throughout the course of history, I wanted better for my son in every area of his life—a better foundation of love and self-worth than I had, better opportunities than I had, better exposure to whatever it was he expressed interest in.”

“So I drifted through his childhood, showing up in the way I knew how, by being available and loving him and laying the groundwork for him to live out his dreams. But I forgot about me. I forgot to plan for me.” Sarah notes. blogger’s note – they really grow up so fast !! One day they are little tikes and the next they are large, young adults.

More from this blogger – Hmmm. I know this is what my husband is worrying about now. This is going to be a radical change for him, as he has had this wild forested environment of hundreds of acres of trees to care for. It’s not just our boys going off on their own as happens in so many families – we are being uprooted with them. We do intend to buy another house, once we relocate, and think of it as a “safe harbor” that the boys could return to if they needed to. But we do know they will probably leave and find a place to live independently – probably sooner than later – but one never knows. The older one is very ready to do that as he is now 22 and looks forward to having full control of his own living space. They have made our life much richer by making us a family. Both have been educated at home and both want to experience going to a traditional kind of schooling – so both expect to attend community college when we move. Still, for my husband, the property we will be living on will be a lot smaller and he’ll lose so much of what he spends time doing. He is a doer so I’ve no doubt he will find his way into doing something with his “retirement” years.

Sarah notes that as an adoptee – “Beker was the first person in my life with whom I shared blood. And that might seem like no big deal, but for adoptees it’s a profound experience. You grow up with no mirror, no explanation for why you shot up to 5’10” and have blonde hair and green eyes, a gap in your teeth and long arms and legs, or no reference for why you twirl your hair or dislike certain foods that the family around you loves. And later, when you’re older, you wonder where your penchant for pairing vintage and new clothes, alternative music, and your pursuit of a creative life originated. And on a cellular level, never feeling ‘quite right’ with the people around you. There’s no real way to understand it—you’re just… different. And awkward. And everyone knows it but no one says it.”

She later adds – “From that point on, Beker became my focus. . . . I thought . . . the right way to parent—undivided devotion to my child.” blogger’s note – It appears that is the kind of parents my husband and I have been. It has often been about the boys – the zoo, the circus, etc. Following my oldest son around taking directions as his camera person because he showed a strong interest in telling stories through a visual medium early on. Just one example of many I could cite. My genetic, biological daughter calls my husband and I “doting parents.”

That Pesky Biological Clock

No one ever told me that there was a cut-off point. I had been pregnant twice – gave birth once, had an abortion with the second one. Then, I remarried and after 10 years of marriage, my husband suddenly decided he wanted children after all. We had seen a news clip that women who conceive at an advanced age live longer. Then we saw another one maybe the next day that indicated my odds of conceiving were very low. We had been trying all the usual things, timing intercourse, using ovulation predictors. Nothing was working. And so we saw a doctor who worked in fertility issues recommended to me and he tried a injection that was supposed to boost my last egg which we had just seen on ultrasound. That didn’t work either. I was in my mid-40s at that point.

Yesterday, I spotted a link to an old 2016 article in The Guardian titled – “The foul reign of the biological clock“ by Moira Weigel. I think that is a good thing. Many women are unaware that their reproductive years are as limited and short as they naturally are. Personally, I think Mother Nature needs to catch up – save women who are immature and really too young from conceiving and extending the age at which a woman can conceive to be more equal to that of men. My having given birth with the help of reproductive assistance at 47 and 50 informs that perspective.

Moira writes – “Any relationship that does not ‘work out’ – which is to say, does not get a woman pregnant by a man committed to helping her raise their offspring – brings her closer to her expiration date. At the stroke of midnight, our eggs turn into dust.” Close to the truth that I found out for myself.

Female life came to be defined in terms of motherhood, or the failure to become a mother. The story of the biological clock is a story about science and sexism. It illustrates the ways that assumptions about gender can shape the priorities for scientific research, and scientific discoveries can be deployed to serve sexist ends. We are used to thinking about metaphors like “the biological clock” as if they were not metaphors at all, but simply neutral descriptions of facts about the human body. Yet, if we examine where the term came from, and how it came to be used, it becomes clear that the idea of the biological clock has as much to do with culture as with nature. And its cultural role was to counteract the effects of women’s liberation.

As a beneficiary of the woman’s movement of my mother’s generation and before, I had been granted the mandate to be a “super” woman – keep a marriage together and have children, while working full time and going to college part time to earn a degree. As for myself, I failed miserably. Ended up divorced, my daughter ended up being raised by her dad and step-mother, and I never got the college degree. Struggled financially all the time, until I met my second husband who stabilized my life with a business he owned that I could help manage and contribute directly to our financial support. We live in a paid for home in a beautiful, peaceful forest.

The psychologist Jean Twenge has pointed out that “millions of women are being told when to get pregnant based on statistics from a time before electricity, antibiotics, or fertility treatment.” Another problematic element of data on fertility is that, in general, the information we have comes from patients who visit doctors because they are experiencing fertility problems. As a result, it is difficult to assess what is going on with the population as a whole. How many couples are not conceiving because they do not want to? How many are using contraception? It is nearly impossible to control for all these variables.

Though I mention that woman should be able to conceive at an advanced age as men can, there is also some truth that they too have biological clocks that affect their ability to reproduce. Male fertility also declines with age. Since the 1980s, a large and growing body of research has shown that sperm counts, and quality, diminish over the years. The children of older fathers have much higher risk of autism and other complications than those of younger ones do. Often “old sperm” simply flail and perish around an egg they are trying to fertilize.

According to the American Society of Reproductive Medicine, of couples seeking treatment for subfertility in the United States, 40% discover that the problem is being caused by the “female factor”, 40% of the time it is the “male factor”, and 20% of the time they cannot tell. Women and men are found to experience fertility problems at roughly equal rates.

What does all of this have to do with adoption ? Infertility is one of the main drivers of couples deciding to adopt. Certainly not the only one. Population concerns have been one. Religious imperatives to convert and educate the heathen masses to increase the number of Christians has certainly been on. A misguided belief that there are ALL these millions of children (“orphans”) with no family to love them is certainly a common one.

There is much more in the linked article.

How These Things Come To Be

These are NOT the actual children mentioned in today’s story, just a representative photo from google images.

5 1/2 years ago, my now ex husband and I became the permanent legal guardians of now 12 year old twins. My son was a second grader in my class and he and his twin sister lost their single birth mom to cancer. No one else came forward and I couldn’t watch them enter the foster system. I’m battling major guilt for bringing them into a situation that resulted in divorce. My ex put a dead stop to adoption when he (mistakenly) “found out” that the social security money that the twins receive due to the passing of their birth mom would end upon adoption. I was beside myself at the time but there was not much I could do. I am now engaged to a wonderful, doting, natural born father figure and my ex is toxic. What are your thoughts on trying to pursue adoption with my fiancé?

I generally do believe that adoption should be a last resort, as it erases family ties legally. Guardianship is still your best bet. Also try to find their biological family. Genetic mirrors are vital. When we experience a profound transformational loss (as in the death of these twins’ mother from cancer), it’s not only about us. This woman has also experienced a profound transformational loss in the abandonment by and divorce from her former husband.

This is one of the responses – I wouldn’t do it. They are more than halfway to adulthood. This relationship could fail too (hopefully not). You can always do an adult adoption if the kids want that. Kids that age don’t really understand adoption either if you were to ask now. We’re a support system for my son’s younger brother and should he ever need alternative care from his parents I would just stay a guardian and not adopt (as long as the Department of Human Services stays out of the picture). If they get involved, sometimes there’s no choice. But I do second trying to get in contact with biological family. Even if they didn’t come forward it doesn’t mean the love and connection isn’t there. We’re open adoption with my son’s parents and extended family and I’m so thankful he has them. They weren’t approved for him, but they love him.

I agree with this perspective as well – I see no rush to make changes regarding the twins. They have had numerous changes. Focus on the change coming as you add another person to your home…..listening to them as they process it….age 12 is the beginning of many changes for them emotionally, physically, socially. Lots of layers to their lives….I would not add to the layers with adoption stuff.

An interesting perspective emerges from another woman – I read your other posts and comments and see you posted about a lady who adopted embryos and passed away. Is that these children? If so, these kids already have an extra layer of trauma. Hopefully they at least know about their history so far. Why not keep guardianship and find creative ways to save $$$ for them for when they become adults? I feel like the world has already dealt them a crappy hand they had no say in, why not find a way for them to be able to have a good start when they enter life as adults? Put that Supplemental Security Income money aside in a trust fund. This could provide a great start for them to purchase a home or put themselves through schooling. I can’t see a reason to adopt. Why cut off money the twins deserve that could help them build their futures?

The biggest question is if the kids want to be adopted or if they are content as things are. Plus some important questions – What would happen to the kids, if something happened to you? Is there a legally enforceable back up plan for them? Can you achieve one within the permanent guardianship?

Aging Out

This is inevitable and it happens to every child who is in foster care until they are 18. Today’s story of a girl aging out goes this way –

My son’s girlfriend is living with us. She is just aging out of foster care and I would like some help finding supports to put in place. Her mother is deceased and her father is incarcerated (I hate to give too much info but I don’t know if that changes her eligibility). She needs health insurance and is trying to go to college. They are planning to move cross country in a few weeks so I am trying to help her as quickly as possible. Any info on where I can turn for help for her is appreciated. She is a sweet kid.

Sharing some answers that may help someone else with similar circumstances.

For the health insurance, simply aging out of foster care could make her eligible for Medicaid. This does vary by state.

One recommendation was actually to enlist in the Army – this can be full time, reserves, or National Guard. They offer many college incentives plus a good bonus, stable income, and health care. Many (including the person suggesting this) that joined the military found it was a great opportunity for them.

It was mentioned that she may qualify for SSI due to the death of her mom. Depending on why she went into foster care she may qualify for VOCA (is that The Victims of Crime Act ? – the state may have filed an application or she may not even know that it’s available to her).

This does NOT seem generally known but someone said – If she is under 21 most states offer foster care until 21. It’s not nearly as invasive as it is for kids under 18. She can get a monthly stipend to put towards housing, Medicaid, and other help as long as she meets the requirements – typically in school or working at least part time.

There is a Preparation for Adult Living program that is part of Child Protective Services agencies that exists to help teens aging out of foster care. So contacting the coordinator of that program to inquire about benefits could be helpful.

There is The Free Application for Federal Student Aid which may give special consideration to youth aging out of foster care. There may be other scholarships available – this organization may be able to help Foster Care to Success. A student like her should qualify for a full Pell grant. Depending on the state, she might be eligible for reduced or free state college because she was in foster care.

Finally, one more link. iFoster has programs to assist Transition Age Foster Youth.