Cold Cruel Adoptive Mother

“For not an orphan in the wide world can be so deserted as the child who is an outcast from a living parent’s love.” ~ Charles Dickens

In the BBC 2008 Mini Series – Little Dorrit – Arthur Clennam’s “mother” never lets him see his beautiful biological mother, who dies of grief from being separated from her son. That is the “secret” revealed near the end of this excellent series. It is easy to note early on how cold, cruel and dismissive the woman that Arthur thinks of as “his mother” is towards him.

There is so much that could be said and I found tons of perspectives and essays about Dickens and orphans with a quick Google search. Charles Dickens’ oldest son, Charley, once wrote that “the children of his brain were much more real to him at times than we were.” He really wasn’t a sterling character in his own life. After 10 children and a series of post-partum depressions, his wife Catherine had grown fat, tired, and dull. He met a young actress named Ellen Ternan, a girl the same age as his daughter, Kate. It is said that they had a son who died in infancy. Dickens’s children may have disappointed him, but he almost always got what he wanted. When he died, Kate joined her siblings in summoning Ellen Ternan to his deathbed.

Dickens involvement with the imaginative and emotional implications of orphanhood and of the horror of abandonment is inscribed in Dickens’s fiction. All the forms that give shape to the self – status, work, citizenship, marriage, parenthood, property – are explored from the subjective vantage point of what may be termed the orphan imagination. Dickens was relentless in critiquing child labor, both in legal and criminal enterprises, and exposing the hypocrisy of a society that allows children to live on the streets. In a Dickens novel, orphans, women, and the mentally disabled repeatedly suffer.

In Dickens’ 11th novel, Little Dorrit, he tells the story of a little girl, Amy Dorrit, who is raised in a debtors’ prison, where she spends much of her life. Yet she develops into a capable and caring person. She works as a seamstress for a family whose son, Arthur, falls in love with her. With time, the Dorrits prosper and Arthur falls into debt. Later, it is revealed that Arthur’s “supposed” mother has been cheating him and the Dorrits.

High mortality rates made orphans commonplace during that time in England. Dickens tendency to obsessively include orphaned children throughout his literature. Little Dorrit is capable of standing up for herself and for what she believes is right and what is wrong. In the end Mrs. Clennam is forced to reveal that Arthur is not really her son and that she has been keeping money from him and the Dorrits for many years. Mrs Clennam’s unloving attitude drove her husband to infidelity, which resulted in a son, Arthur. Mrs. Clennam raised him as her own, without any motherly feeling. When Arthur’s birth mother died, his paternal grandfather bequeathed money to Amy, who was born in the Marshalsea the day Arthur’s birth mother died there.

Little Dorrit is a novel by Charles Dickens, originally published in serial form between 1855 and 1857. The novel satirizes some shortcomings of both government and society, including the institution of debtors’ prisons, where debtors were imprisoned, unable to work and yet incarcerated until they had repaid their debts. The prison in this case is the Marshalsea, where Dickens’s own father had been imprisoned. Imprisonment – both literal and figurative – is a major theme of the novel, with Clennam and the Meagles quarantined in Marseilles, Rigaud jailed for murder, Mrs Clennam confined to her house, the Dorrits imprisoned in the Marshalsea, and most of the characters trapped within the rigidly defined English social class structure of the time.

Here is a preview of the series we finished watching last night –

Not Uncommon At All

Today’s adoptee story –

I reconnected with my biological mom, confirmed a LOT I was told by some mysterious people and as a treat I called my “dad” (adoptive dad) and confronted him about all the lies he and my “mom” told me. He vehemently denied it of course but then, he was like “it’s water under the bridge anyway.” SO YOU ADMIT IT…

For context: my adoptive parents told me ever since I was little that my bio mom wanted an abortion but they tried to get her to be a parent for 2 years.

The TRUTH is that my biological mom was just 16 and scared. She was told it would be an open adoption (blogger’s note – commonly used to get cooperation but never enforceable) where she would still have visitation rights. But my adoptive parents tricked her and had her sign a closed adoption agreement. My biological mom was too trusting of my adoptive parents and they held it over her for years, until my adoptive mom finally cut her off when I was 10. She went so far as to even intercept mail and calls, making it where I couldn’t easily find my biological mom for years, even into my adulthood. I finally found her 3 months ago but she was in jail for a DUI. Her life has been pretty bad since she had a falling out with my half brother. My biological mom isn’t perfect but in the few hours we talked, she was kinder and more honest than my adoptive parents ever were.

One response was – Stories like this are why I am all for the complete and utter abolishing of adoption. The system is never going to get better.

When It’s Not Something You Did

Today’s story –

I have been dealing with the Division of Children and Family Services for a year now. I have never messed up and have done everything – times 10 – to show them how much I love my girls. I have no issues on any of my drug screens, which every single day, I have been sober for going on 7 years now, so that’s not a problem. I still have never missed a call. I have gone to therapy every week this whole year.

It’s one year ago on the 26th of October, when they just showed up and took my kids. I have done eight courses, instead of the one that they recommended. I did that 1+7 extra that I paid for. My mental and parental evaluations came back completely normal and he didn’t have any recommendations.

An ex-boyfriend called me in October, which is like three weeks ago, from a county jail. Now they have recordings and are saying that they’re requesting terminating of reunification. I’ve never messed up – not once. I have been stable for years and years. All I do is live and breathe my children. I’ve tried everything in my ability to get them back and now, this is not even in my parent plan. There’s no protective order. I have never been told that I couldn’t talk to him. Because I answered my phone, they now have a recording of me talking to him. Nothing bad was said. But they’re requesting the judge terminate my reunification. I’m just petrified. What do I do? I have been asking for prayers and I’ve reached out to other agencies here in Utah. Please send any advice you may have.

One responded with this – Who is your judge? I am in Utah as well. Be prepared for them to send the kids home at any moment. Once you hit that 15 month mark they are either going home immediately or they will be adopted.

Personally, I’m cheering for this mom to get her kids back !!

Recognize Your Worth

Many adoptees don’t even realize that they are carrying unhealed trauma with them throughout their lives. Because for infants who were adopted, this trauma occurred during a per-verbal stage of their lives, they lacked words to describe what their emotions were saying to them. Both of my parents were adopted when they were less than one year old. My mom was adopted after having been placed temporarily in Porter Leath orphanage as my desperate maternal grandmother tried mightily to find a way to support the two of them with Georgia Tann circling them like a vulture. My dad was adopted after the Salvation Army coerced my paternal grandmother into relinquishing him. So both of my parents were carrying unhealed trauma throughout their lives.

The various ways people anesthetize themselves . . . is a wail from the deep. I once listened to Marianne Williamson’s A Course in Weight Loss on cd. I gained a lot of insight into my own compulsive eating experiences listening to her. I see how clothing our bodies in excess weight is a protective device. Both of my parents were more or less overweight their entire lives. I am told that my father was still breastfeeding with his original mother when he was taken for adoption. My mother struggled with her body image due to an adoptive mother who was obsessed by eating and weight issues. I have one memorable experience of that with my adoptive grandmother when she took me to England and embarrassed me dining at The Dorchester in London when I reached for a warm dinner role. I didn’t talk to her for almost 24 hours but gave it up in favor of not ruining our whole experience there together.

Your Blogger at The Dorchester

My mom was passive and secretive about eating. Some of that behavior certainly filtered down to me. My dad struggled with some drunken experiences, one that I didn’t even learn about until after he died, when my sister and I found a letter from him about spending a night in jail for DWI and praying not to lose his job and family over it. But after he was “saved”, he didn’t stop drinking – though he was never a violent alcoholic – and able to work even double shifts and nights at an oil refinery.

Joel Chambers writes about The Lifelong Challenges of Adoptees at the LINK> Search Angels website – Adoptees face more traumas, and more challenges, than many other people, and it affects their lives in ways that we are just beginning to understand. He has also written a post, speaking at great length about how addiction, in all of its various forms, is all too common among adoptees. These have experiences such as grief and loss, self-esteem and identity issues, substance abuse and addiction, mental health, and challenges to the types of relationships that they can form with their adoptive families. Adoptees also deal with feelings of grief, separation, and loss for their biological parents and birth families, even if they never knew them. 

A healing I didn’t even know I needed started in the Autumn of 2017, when I began learning what my parents never knew – who my original grandparents were. Then, it was only natural that I really begin learning about this thing called adoption. My daughter once said to me – “it seems like you are on a mission.” True, guilty as charged.

Poor Outcomes – A Sad Fact

Continuing building awareness regarding Foster Care as May is Awareness month.

Trigger warning

The following story mentions murder, substance use/addiction/overdose, suicide, homelessness, Child Protective Services cases that are open, trauma, illegal activity/selling drugs, sex work, mention of a higher power and spiritual crisis, the effects of poverty, and mention police.

Having been warned, here is today’s awareness builder.

It’s Foster Care Awareness month and I’m sitting here at 3:30 am, not able to sleep.

My friend, a girl I’ve known since 6th grade, was murdered in 2019. She was in group homes with me as well, two different placements. She dated my sister. I grew up with this girl. Today, the news covered the sentencing. I learned new details of what happened. It was disgusting, made me hate the world we live in, and made me so hopeless but furious. I’ll spare the details but it was inhumane, needless, and these two men are pathetic excuses for human beings. My friend was 22 when she passed, and she left behind a young daughter.

She did extra jobs for her employer and turned him into the department of labor after he refused to compensate her. That was his motive. It describes his crack-cocaine purchase right after the event. It was all about money. Money for drugs. But my friend was so desperate and had to work at this place and got caught up in this cycle trying to once again, rely on systems and was killed. I know the world is crazy and this could’ve happened to anyone but this specific case with the details.. I think not. I think this was a direct effect of how the systems chews youth up and spits them out. They have to rely and try to network with unsafe, sketchy people because they don’t know how else to make a living. It’s not like the department would help. Or care. Nobody who wants to do anything can and those who can’t won’t do anything.

I’m angry. I’m triggered.

I have three other friends from placement that were murdered. I have two friends that overdosed. I have two that committed suicide. I have one that died outside while homeless.

I’ve experienced so much grief and loss in my life, but I also know that these are the statistics for foster youth. Why do we have to be reduced to these statistics? When does it end? When does the world and our government figure that we’ve had enough?

This breaking code silence movement has done a lot for my mental health, targeted support groups help. Former foster youth are the only ones advocating and looking out for each other. I’m just so distraught tonight.

My friends all were amazing people, kind people. People who have seen the worst side of others but still worked hard to show up to life and make this world a better place for others, every last one of them.

I spent 11 years in the NYS Foster Care system. These youth from placement are all I know, I don’t even know anyone else aside from the internet that I haven’t met in care. I’m watching my friends die, I’m watching life kick them when they’re down, homeless, doing sex work out of necessity and desperation, stealing out of desperation, selling illegal items out of desperation, going to jail and prison, having open CPS cases with their own children when they’re just trying to move on with life and their own personal experiences, working for shady people because THEY HAVE TO. Everyone I was in care with, including myself live in poverty. I know I’ve had to network with shady people and take risks myself, you’re never growing up and are like “oh yeah I’m going to clean this mans house under the table that I don’t know and I could get attacked and all but nobody would care because I have nobody to call anyways and the police only made it worse the last time”

Because the resources aren’t there, the empathy isn’t there. The community isn’t there. Youth can so easily go back to what they know pre-system and actually pick up more behaviors in the system because THE SYSTEM DOESNT WORK. It’s failed so many of us.

Thank you for letting me vent, I’m mourning so much. I’m so scared to lose anyone else and I’m also fearful for my own future. They raised us to be stupid, to be nothing, to be institutionalized. They already reduced us to these statistics.

I feel so spiritually bankrupt at this point, I feel like I’ve been abandoned by my higher power, and I’m always stuck thinking about how the world should be rather than how it is. It’s so much weight to carry, but I can’t be complacent about the trials we face as youth. I feel powerless and here it is, foster care awareness month and I feel like this is the only platform I can come to and express my sorrows without being silenced. Thank you for reading. I just needed to get it out to people who /do/ care.