Jealousy After Abandonment

Today’s story – I was abandoned by my birth mother at 8 weeks old and my birth father gave up his rights before I was born. I was left in a house for a week long while my birth mother went on a drug binder. Her roommate is the one that called the police and my grandma. My grandparents become my legal guardians with in the week. At 5 years old I was legally adopted by my grandparents. I do call them mom and dad and those are the terms I will be using here since they are all I know! My mom has 3 children from a previous marriage (my biological mother being one of them) and my dad has 3 children as well. I do have 3 half brothers and 1 I am super close with (we share the same biological mother) and my mom and dad also adopted him when he was 16 years old. I will not be sharing his story, just noting that there was a lot of abuse!

Growing up I never really fit in with my siblings (actually my aunts & uncles), other than my biological brother. They never wanted my parents to adopt me. My dad’s daughter literally cut him out of her life because of it. Both of my mom’s daughters never failed to make me feel out of place. Constantly reminding me that I was “adopted” and therefore, not “blood”. Which technically I am… One of my mother’s daughters would always bring it up, whenever my mom and her got in an argument, even if it was not about me. Mind you, there is over a 20 year difference between that daughter and myself. By the time I was born, she was married with 2 kids. Any time my parents did anything for me, it was “you treat her better than me and I’m your blood daughter”, even if they actually did the same things for her. Anytime I would be hospitalized and my parents would stay at the hospital with me, it would turn into “you spend all your time with her and she’s not even your real daughter”.

Then, she does admit – I had a lot of behavioral issues growing up due to my adoption trauma, so anytime I would have “out bursts” and she was around, she would yell at my mom “are you really gonna let her treat you this way, She’s not even your real daughter. You need to put her in her place”. Comments like that. Her own dad was a “dead beat” dad. So any time my dad would be a dad, she would get pissed. Even though my dad always treated her with respect and never tried to be her dad but he’s all I know. Plus both my mom and dad do so much for her. If she comes for a visit and I’m not there, she wants to know why I’m not helping. My parents are older and have health issues and so, I do my best to take care of them because I only live 10 minutes away.

My mom recently had major back surgery. I went to the hospital and then, cooked for 2 weeks straight – so my dad could focus on my mom and they both could eat good. Well she ended up coming down and my mom asked her to make dinner. She said “ I don’t know how to cook” even though she was a cook for 10 years at a restaurant…. She did end up cooking dinner and I went over there to eat with them. At the dinner table, she made the statement “I don’t cook as much as she does, so it probably won’t be good”… but it was good and everyone said that. It was nice to have someone cook for me as well but she complained that I didn’t help.

The happy news – I got married on October 3rd and so, she will no longer be in my life because I’m tired of putting up with her trying to make me feel small and saying that I do not belong. That is because there were conflicts on the day of her marriage that she was directly responsible for and issues related to her birth mother who is in jail but knows information about her and her brother that appear to have come from this sister/aunt, even though she knows about the abuse and trauma that both of them have endured. Anyway, she says that she is really hurt, heartbroken in fact, and can’t help but think it hurts even more because she is adopted. She notes – That I never felt “at home” or whatever but I always tried to be nice, respectful, and loving and even when I felt like she thought I was not deserving of love.

Another adoptee shares – I’m so sorry! Yes in my experience it has been other family members making adoption feel less than. I feel like I don’t have a family unless I am impervious to being offended and a major people pleaser.

Love For Them Is Natural

Image from a reunion story at LINK>Cafe Mom

I read this from an adoptive parent today in my all things adoption group – “We as adoptive parents shouldn’t feel threatened when adoptees express their love for their biological parents.”

The comment above came in response to something she had read in a different group (that I am not a member of) – “How do you handle your kids saying they love their biological parents more than you ? My oldest son is 5 but I’ve had him since he was 9 months old. He was allowed overnights with biological mom until he was 2-1/2 years old. He’s only seen her 5 times since she lost custody. From my prospective, he doesn’t really know her because they have rarely been together. The overnights were for one night every month or two. It just hurts my feelings when he says he loves his birth mom and her husband (not his bio dad) and not me”.

One mother of loss noted a bit cynically – OMG did an adoptive parent just admit their own fragility and insecurity ?! Better put this one on the calendar. Someone get this lady a medal. Sorry you weren’t able to erase an unbreakable bond. And as how to “handle” it ? You ACCEPT it. You know what ? Your feelings are not what matters. You get a shrink and you just deal with it. Or you use a 5 year old’s true feelings to alienate the child for your own selfish gain by cutting contact and closing the adoption, like 89% of the rest of the vultures do. He hasn’t seen her but 5 times and they’re rarely together because you haven’t allowed it, because you’re jealous. From overnights to nothing, hmmm what do we think the outcome will be ?

One woman who works with young people wrote – Doing youth work, it’s been enlightening to see how the way the adoptive parents treat the whole subject and how the kid processes it all as they get to an age to understand this stuff with more detail. The ones who have been treated like belongings have had real internal struggles. There was quite a bit of kinship caring in the families we worked with and there’s been more than one “family visit” night where like 25 people have turned up. LOL I’m like, well the room isn’t that big so pick 3 people and I’ll go get the client. A lot of times when the kid was from a really remote location the whole family, like half the community, would come down and camp in the park across the road. Especially elders. I wish the people who had the attitudes like that woman could see that.

An adoptee notes – The adoptive parent expects a 5 year old to manage their feelings, with an adult-level understanding of how to do that, while denying any preferences of his own. Also in my opinion, describing it as hurting her feelings, after expressing disbelief that her son could love his biological mom more, is really her projecting her resentment about that onto the child. He’ll definitely learn not to express anything like that to her – eventually. That’s how it’s getting handled: by him.

An experienced foster/adoptive mom writes – it’s SO important that anyone getting getting involved, particularly in the foster care system, be free of the super common “looking to expand our family”. You can’t expect a child, let alone a traumatized child, to fulfill your emotional needs. That’s not what kids are for. If you’re truly interested in helping kids… Then you should be thrilled they have a great connection to their family. That’s to be celebrated. Like yay! You did a good job! Your kid has connections and is able to recognize those emotions and feels free to verbalize them! It’s just such a fundamental baked-in part of the problem that, when you pay for a child, you think you own it. You have expectations. It’s yours. It’s late stage capitalism in one of its worst forms. The inherent power structure and commodification of *children*.

Get Any 5 In A Row

How about the far right vertical column ? Love is not enough. Some adoptees would have preferred to have been aborted. Many are accused of being bitter if they speak out about adoption according to their own lived reality. My genetic biological grandmothers were not really all that young but were probably considered by some to be too young (or is it only that they lacked adequate support and financial means ?). Most adoptive parents including my own adoptive grandmothers would probably have agreed with the last one.

Maybe the far left vertical column suits your perspectives. Certainly many babies do start life in an orphanage (in fact, leaving my mom for temporary care at Porter Leath in Memphis was my grandmother’s well intentioned but tragic choice). Babies also turn up in dumpsters – sadly. The all things adoption group that I am part of is often accused of being “mean and negative”. When an adoptee wants to know more about their origins they are often accused of not being grateful or not loving their adoptive parents enough to just accept their lot in life. Some who have experienced the pain of infertility look at those who conceive easily and think it is unfair. And of course, the perennial question about the lack of alternatives to adoption.

In fact many of these bingo “scores” I’ve encountered many times as I have sought to educate my own self about the realities of the commercial adoption industry that makes LOTS of money for those promoting the taking of children from one family and depositing them with another.

Adoption Fragility

Fragility is often called out in regard to adoptive parents. Today’s blog was inspired by a mother who lost her child to adoption. This mother admits – I am also fragile. It’s often pointed out in response to an adoptive parent’s fragility. I am working on this. What is helping is getting all the adoption conditioning out of my body, heart, mind and soul. It’s deep and intense yet this work is helping.

My image above came from a Facebook page called LINK>The Open Adoption Project which focuses on improving adoptee experiences by encouraging open communication. Regarding this situation, they say “Sometimes, tragedy turns to triumph.” They note, Stevoni, the mom that Aymee is referring to, was struggling with drug addiction when her kids were removed from her care and placed with her ex-husband’s wife, Aymee. Stevoni’s parental rights were eventually terminated. Aymee adopted the kids. There were years of struggle and heartache with Stevoni going in and out of prison. Stevoni and Aymee eventually laid aside their differences for the kids. The Open Adoption Project says the two have formed one of the most admirable open adoptions we’ve seen. Stevoni now helps incarcerated individuals recover from their own addictions and is an active part of her kids’ lives.

So back to the original comment – Adoptive parents often get called out regarding their fragility. She says, I rarely see them change. Then, goes on to share her theory (while hoping she’s wrong).

Emotional manipulation of your adopted child/adult (withholding important information from them in relation to their biological family, guilt trips, passive aggressive behavior, savorism, jealousy, ownership, etc) is not because you are blind to your mind games, these behaviors are intentional.

Why? Perhaps because it is dynamic and this behavior has been in place from Day 1. The adopted child is groomed to feel responsible for your feelings. You like this dynamic because it makes you feel better.

Here’s the thing. Mind games are not Love. So if you are fragile and choosing to not deal with it, this is not love. It’s dysfunctional and extremely harmful. If you truly love your adopted kids, work on this. It’s not that hard but it does take work.

I spent a week in Oregon at Jean Houston’s house and she talked about that John Lennon song, Mind Games. The lyrics reflected John’s interest in a book with that title by Robert Masters and Jean Houston. The book stressed tapping into our mental potential to effect global change. So, just because, here is the song.

Parental Conflicts

One of the scariest things for an adoptee is to attempt a reunion with their birth parents after they reach adulthood because there is this sticky situation of how the adoptive parents will react to this situation. The image above comes from a blog titled – LINK>Reunion rocks. Reunion sucks. The author notes – *Adoptive parents who are not supportive of an adoptee’s right to search, you are a whole other blog. Sit tight. It was that issue that started my blog this morning.

In my all things adoption group, a young woman shared – “I’m wanting to connect with fellow adoptees and get some insight from anyone that has gone through this. I am wanting to finally pursue a relationship with my birth mother and my adoptive family is upset. I‘m just at a loss right now. I wished my birth mother a happy birthday yesterday and they are blowing it out of proportion. I feel sick.”

The jealousy was apparent. The adoptive parents stress – You had a pretty good life even though you don’t think you did. The adoptee counters in defense to an accusation – I never said she was the best mom ever (referring to her birth mom) and I don’t refer to her as my mom. She then asserts – I deserve to have a relationship with her in whatever capacity I wish and I won’t feel guilty about it and you don’t need to feel threatened. Then the honesty – I never said I had a bad life but there are so many things about adoption that are simply not okay.

What it comes down to is the adoptive parents’ feelings. The reality is that because of the adoptive parents’ feelings, any relationship that the adoptee develops with her birth mother will unavoidably alter in some way the relationship with her adoptive parents. (blogger’s note – I understand this, although I am not an adoptee – both of my parents were. Their adoptive parents were the only grandparents I knew growing up and for MOST of my adult life. As I began to learn about my original grandparents, after my parents and my adoptive grandparents had died, it did affect for a period of time how I felt about the adoptive ones. I needed time to sort out my feelings. This is entirely normal when dealing with such complex family relationships.)

I found this advice realistic – They will adjust. They need to process their new normal. Don’t take it personally because you did nothing wrong. Every family situation is different and the people involved. Respect and empathize with their response but don’t let it get in the way of your connecting. And connect with other adult adoptees who will always understand. I know it’s not easy…I know that as an adoptee. But I’m not allowing my adoptive family to make me feel bad anymore. It’s a natural thing to want that connection with one’s birth relatives. It’s natural for the adoptive family to feel insecure or fear the unknown. Just humans doing the best they know how. Some would describe this as white washing…I just think it’s looking at it from different angles and still respecting your own individual wishes. You’ve got this!

Wound In The Soul

An adoptee writes – last month I reached out to my mom (biological) and how hurt I was that it went unanswered. She responded the other day, it looks like we’re going to give it another shot. I’m not really looking for anything, just sharing. I’m hopeful but really nervous. We’ll see. And if nothing else, I will know I tried.

She added, I just saw a screen shot of an adoptive parent talking about the kids being “MINE” – if you’re an adoptive parent you should know you don’t own the kid you adopt, we grow up and and into ourselves, we don’t owe adoptive parents our lives or even a connection.

There is no amount of lying, guilt tripping, manipulating, or being so great and or loving that, for some of us, could ever possibly fill the gaping wound in our souls for our actual biological family.

An adoptee suggested – Hopefully you both will try. No expectations except to be yourselves and get to know the other at this place of your lives. Maybe you can have some unanswered questions answered that will be meaningful for you. Wishing you everything you wish for yourselves.

Yet another sympathized – Wishing you good luck in your reconnection. My messages went unanswered for awhile as well. Just know you’re not alone and there is always hope for a good outcome.

Another adoptee chimed in with this suggestion – Adopters (and foster caregivers): STOP forcing/suggesting the children in your care call you their parent/mom/dad. YOU.ARE.NOT.OUR.PARENT. You are our “caregiver”. Stop pushing your imaginary narrative on Adoptees.

Another adoptee notes – I don’t understand how people genuinely think they own other people. We own ourselves. We share ourselves with those we want to. No one else can claim us, regardless of whether they have paperwork. We aren’t cars that they just get a title to and then own. Some adoptive parents overshare about their adopted kids on public social media, when the children are too young to consent and were adopted at a young age. Their biological parents might have eventually be able to care for them again. If it’s not about ownership, why not enable the parents to keep their kids or be temporary guardians rather than adopting their children ?

Yet another notes – Some people just don’t appreciate that adults are entitled to make their own decisions. My biological family spent years guilt tripping me and demanding that I see my biological mom because she was dying from cancer. I remember being told “she gave you life,” as if I’m indebted to her for all of eternity. She wasn’t there when I was sick and scared as a child. She never acted like a mother to me but I was supposed to step up and comfort her when she was sick ? Having and raising children is the reward for parents. There are no additional requirements to apply.

This one further explains – my biological parent gave me away to someone else to raise (I was not adopted). Then, when I was forced at 13 years old to go live with my biological mom. She blamed me for loving the person who raised me, who walked me to school the first day of kindergarten, who stayed up all night with me when sick, who (although she was not able to walk herself on her own) encouraged me to take first steps, who taught me all she knew with only a second grade education, who basically treated me like her child – while my mother lived her life as if I didn’t exist. She also blamed me for having some of the same mannerisms as the person who she had left me with. In other words, my mother blamed me for her bad decision and took her resentment out on me physically.

Which brings this person to this realization – shitty people will do shitty things to the people around them. Yes, it may be easier to forgive a biological parent for their actions, than it is to forgive an adoptive parent, but in my opinion – people are people and some people do things that hurt others. As people, we all are not perfect, and we all make mistakes, and our mistakes affect those around us, kids or adults.

To which one notes that sadly neither were some adoptive parents. So it is a matter of perspective. I was to be the cure for my adoptive mother’s “drinking problem” aka alcoholism. Guess what? It did not work.

Someone said – pretending like having a kid makes you a mother is also a false narrative. A mother is a lot more than just birthing a kid, and it is a lot more than just supporting that kid as they grow. Adoptive parents can be terrible people, because they’re people, not because they happen to have adopted kids, just like some biological parents are terrible people too. There are as many stories of terrible relationships between biological parents and their kids as there are of adoptive parents and their adopted children.

The one who started this goes on to note – I don’t like the assumption that mom and dad can be transferred so easily and based off opinions of people who really have no idea. How adopted people view their biological parents is up to them but from the outside, to claim to know who’s who, if someone is a mom or dad, seems wrong. I know how I view my biological parents and adoptive parents.

I guess the specific question of how a biological mom views herself would be for a first mom to chime in on, they know what they live. Maybe some would agree with you. I honestly don’t know. As far as saying things like “some biological parents are terrible too” and “there are as many stories of terrible relationships between biological parents and their kids, as there are of adoptive parents and their adopted children.” I am going to argue that.

I have not just seen in my own life how differently biological parents are towards their biological child vs an adopted one, even if they are bad parents, the relationship seems to be stronger, there is a natural pull. And of course, no, not always. But I don’t think you can claim those biological vs adoptive relationships are on equal ground, as far too many are not at all.

And, going a step further, I disagree with some adoptive parents not being terrible because they’re adoptive parents. I honestly believe that some could have chosen not to adopt, not to try and fulfill their wants, and avoided the stress the adopted child came with and turned into the person they did.

I think that some adoptive parents are so incredibly naive and by the time they realize the mess they’ve made from getting someone else’s child, it’s too late. They can’t / won’t back out, give the kid back, etc. and they become resentful, they might become abusive and yes, bad people – as an outcome of choosing to be adoptive parents.

Competition and/or Comparison

It is inevitable for an adoptee to feel some tension or conflict regarding their reunion with biological family and a perceived threat by adoptive family to the relationship they have long possessed with that adoptee. These are difficult waters to navigate.

Some good advice I read today suggested –

Try to disentangle yourself and the decisions you make from any/all of your parents. You have every right to have a relationship with anyone – if you are blood-related to them or not. You also have the right to step away from any relationship. I encourage you to go for it. Enjoy getting to know your father and sisters. This will not take away from your relationship with your adoptive parents or your mother.

Think of it this way: When you married, did your adoptive parents throw a fit? Were they shocked that you were (possibly) changing your surname? Did they demand that you not have a relationship with your husband’s parents? If you have children, did they declare that only THEY were the grandparents, the *real* grandparents, and these others were imposters? The same could be said about birth parents. That they are not “real.” Where everything is a competition and/or comparison. Thing is, you don’t have to play. All four of these people are your parents one way or another. That was the hand you were dealt. You deserve to develop a relationship with any person you choose, including DNA relatives. The feelings may ebb and flow with time and circumstances and that’s okay, too.

The person this was suggested to answered – it’s funny cuz my adoptive mom was upset when I changed my maiden name and she is jealous of the relationship I have with my mother-in-law too! But she’s better at hiding it these days. There just isn’t pleasing her and there never has been. I have decided not to tell her or my adoptive dad, at least not for a long time until I’ve sorted through all this myself.

What started this is – she has found her biological dad. He didn’t have a clue she existed. So far he has been nothing but kind and welcoming. She has also discovered that she has two baby half-sisters. She is nervous because when she was 18, she was finally allowed information about her adoption. Only her birth mother’s name was available, and she quickly found her on Facebook. She adoptive mother expressed feelings of betrayal. She felt the adoptee was replacing her. Eventually, she did allow the adoptee to have her biological mother attend her wedding. Then, her biological mom basically ghosted her and now she very rarely hears from her after years of what she thought was a great friendship. Her biological aunt, with whom she is close, tells her this is just normal behavior for her biological mom – she cuts people off and prefers to be alone. Ok, fine. After years of counselling and medication, the woman has gotten over this (for the most part). She is simply terrified it’s going to happen all over again with her biological dad.

Does Anyone Ever Chose Drugs Over Their Kids ?

There is no way I can do justice to such a large and complex topic in a blog. I have experienced the difficulty of dealing with a spouse who has a substance use disorder. In my case, it was both alcohol and heroin that my spouse was using and it did impact our financial situation and our relationship. In fact, he left the region to try and get clean but came back. After that, I left because I lost hope that he could overcome it. Then, I left my daughter with her paternal grandmother, temporarily, only to discover that eventually, the grandmother turned her over to her father. I would NEVER have left her with him. However, he had remarried and her step-mother was very important in her life during those years. I did not know about the challenges that occurred in her household until very recently. I thought for many years that they gave her a family that I could not as a single mother – and I was not entirely wrong about that part – as her step and half siblings are very important to her. However, I also never knew about the domestic violence that she was forced to witness. It did not entirely surprise me when I learned of it. He had once threatened me with a pair of scissors due to a jealous outburst (which I had actually done nothing to cause). I was fortunate that he never hit me. If I had stayed longer, the outcome may have been worse.

In my all things adoption community today I read this discussion topic – Substance Use Disorder Views.

“Drugs are more important than their kids”

“The parents chose drugs over their kid”

“If they loved their children, they would get it together so they could get them back”

“She was given all the resources she would need, but it didn’t matter, she chose drugs over her kids”

All of the above can be read in any Foster/Adoptive Parent forum on any given day. Usually shared with clear disgust.

1) Are these statements accurate? Be prepared to back up why you say yes or no

2) Does removing children act as a wake up call or an avalanche effect?

NOTE: when discussing, please do not use the term addict, drug addict or any other derogatory term to identify someone dealing with SUD. Addiction is termed here as substance use disorder or SUD. We do this because we have members in recovery and we respect that language matters.

While there is not time to seriously address this, I did find something that is worth some time to consider, if you or someone you love is dealing with this issue. I will note that children are often removed from their parents for SUD. Some of will spend their entire childhood in foster care. The younger ones (typically they are more desirable) sometimes end up being adopted.

From Rutgers University – LINK>How much of addiction is genetic?
More than half of the differences in how likely people are to develop substance use problems stem from DNA differences, though it varies a little bit by substance. Research suggests alcohol addiction is about 50 percent heritable, while addiction to other drugs is as much as 70 percent heritable.

How many genetic risk factors have we discovered?
Hundreds, but there are hundreds more to be discovered. We just did a study where we measured how well the best current polygenic scores, combined with environmental risk factors, predicted substance use disorders in 15,000 people who participated in long-term studies, and we found that they only predicted about 10 percent of the outcome variations we saw. That said, people with the highest levels of risk were four times more likely to develop a substance use disorder than people with the lowest levels of risk, so we can already help people understand their risk level and optimize their health choices.

Just When You Really Need Them

It is all too common but still hard to understand why it can be this way – today’s story (not my own) from a 29 year old adoptee in reunion.

I was one of the fortunate ones who found my biological family this year in April. We’ve known each other for eight months and everything’s been going great with us. Unfortunately, my mother (adoptive mother who will always be referred to as my mom) is not handling it well. Unfortunately, she continues to use the fact that I want to build a relationship with my biological family against me. She continues to use my biological mother against me when she’s mad at me. She says things like “why don’t you go spend time with your real mom then” “and “you probably wish I was dead.” My adoptive father passed away four years ago and I know she is still struggling. But I’m not sure how to make sure she understands that I’m not trying to replace her. I just want to build a relationship with my biological family that I have a right to. Sometimes, I feel even more comfortable around my biological mother than I do my mother and it’s very confusing for me. I’m not sure how to process all this or how to not take what my mother says to heart, when she’s mad at me. Somebody please help with understanding how I can process all this and help my mom the best way I can, Thank you.

A first mother (one who gave up her child to adoption) answers – your mom’s feelings on this are NOT the most important, YOURS are.

Your mom needs to have therapy for her loss of her husband, she needs to have therapy for the insecurities she has that she is projecting onto you. Right now, your mom is being harmful and toxic towards you. This is emotional abuse. None of this is your fault. You have every right to know your first family, without someone making you feel like you’re a traitor.

It’s not your job to make her feel like you’re not replacing her, same with your first mother. Your mother adopted you and, at some level, she knew this day had to come. If she had been trauma informed and fostered a relationship with you regarding the reality that you have two mom’s throughout your whole life, this wouldn’t be an issue. Your mom has to deal with her own insecurities, same as us first mothers have to.

Absolutely none of this should fall on you, she needs to take care of her own mental health, so that you can freely process and heal from the trauma thrust upon you, instead of making you feel responsible for her own decisions. I am so so sorry that your mom is acting in this way, unfortunately it is extremely common, though it shouldn’t be. All of your feelings are valid. Both your first family and your adoptive family have to deal with their own insecurities and trauma and not drag you into it. Again, none of this is your fault! You need support and love in figuring out your life and who you want in it.

From another adoptee – What she is doing is extremely wrong, in any event. But she thought that you were completely hers and now she is jealous (again) after she proved she was the “better mother.” And of course she cannot understand why your biological family has any pull or interest for you. Of course, you’d be more comfortable with your genetic family. You need to process this by setting firm boundaries with her and telling her that it isn’t a contest or competition. If she says those things to you – she is actually pushing you away, so it benefits you both if she realizes that and simply enjoys what time she has with you. You need to decide how to persuade her to stop being childish and realize that you want to expand your family and knowledge of your own genetic roots/heritage. No matter how much she wants to pretend otherwise, hers are not yours but were grafted onto you by legal force.

From a kinship guardian – The only thing you can do is tell her that you’re not trying and will not replace her. And suggest therapy gently to her. All the rest is completely in her hands and you can’t jeopardize your reunion because of her insecurities. Losing a husband is a traumatic event. And I can only imagine that she is afraid of losing you as well. It must be a hard place to be. But even if that’s the case, you cannot be responsible for that. She needs to work on herself instead of making you responsible for her emotional well-being. If we agree to take on the care of other adult’s wellbeing, as our own responsibility, it will start a chain of mess that can be never ending. Big hugs to you. Just keep in mind that by respecting your own wishes, you are doing the right thing for you. You don’t owe either of your mothers their own happiness.

Second Family Confusion ?

From an adoptive mother who has attempted an open adoption, which now appears in danger of becoming closed.

So birth mom requested before the adoption that we take annual photos together, our whole family along with her and her son. At the time we were fine with it, we’ve embraced her and her son as an extended part of the family and had no issue with us all having photos together. Well, here we are second year of photos and birth mom bought our daughter a dress for her birthday to wear. She told me about it and I thought it was so sweet. What she didn’t tell me was that her dress was going to match our daughter’s. She shows up with these “mommy and me dresses” for photos we are suppose to take as a family. Totally thrown of guard and didn’t say anything about it. Definitely bothered me though as I feel like that can be really confusing for my daughter as she gets older.

Second issue is that her birth mom is taking photos of our daughter with her biological son alone. I feel like this can be super confusing for a child also. She will see our family photos when we get together with birth mom and brother. Photos with her “second family”. The whole feels wrong to me.

Am I wrong in not being okay with these two scenarios? Like both of these cross boundaries and could be confusing for a young kid right? I don’t want her growing up thinking she has a third parent or another family like that. I guess I’m just looking for validation in my thought process before we address it with birth mom. It would be cute, if that was her mom but she isn’t, I am – and she didn’t even ask me if I’d be okay with it.

On response immediately noticed this red flag of insecurity – if she “was her mom but she isn’t . . .” Actually she is her mom and always will be. Such insecurity and denial of reality. When will adoptive parents learn that the biological parent IS mom and dad ? That never changes. These are the adoptive mom and adoptive dad. That is all the amended birth certificate did – give them rights of authority. It didn’t change the facts of the child’s biology.

Someone else pointed out what may be the crux of the issue – Wearing matching matching dresses with her mother, taking photos with her mother and little brother, are not confusing to that little girl. What is likely confusing to her (and what her adoptive mother doesn’t want to try to explain and justify to her because she knows it doesn’t hold up to scrutiny) is why can her little brother live with her mother, and not her ? The adoptive mother may not even understand what troubles her. This is not as uncommon as it may seem when an unwed mother gives up her first born and then later goes on to have other children. My paternal grandmother was one like that.

AND, why can’t she live with her biological mom ?! Because a selfish adult got attached to someone else’s child, and now that the mother is in a better position it doesn’t matter because the adopter/purchaser/adult; who should be able to manage their feelings appropriately; has the money and the power in the situation, and won’t let them go. This is why it is often suggested to a vulnerable expectant mother NOT to use a permanent solution to what may only be a temporary problem.

A reality check for the adoptive mother – Children need to know that they are loved by their parents! She’ll need the photos of her family. She’ll need the photos of herself and her brother. She’ll need the photos of herself and her mother. If you’re truly thinking of your adopted daughter, then you would understand why those photos should be the most talked about pictures framed in her room. It isn’t about you and your feelings. Think about how she will feel years from now finding out that you stopped contact because her MOTHER purchased mommy and me dresses ? Can you live with the hate, the backlash, the anger, THE TRAUMA!! That’s selfish. Are you really that blinded by a piece of legal paperwork ? Do you not see that it is ONLY a piece of paper and that baby has her mother’s DNA running through her veins! You do understand that there is absolutely nothing that anyone (including a judge) can do to change that ? Or are you really that selfish and controlling that you can’t see passed yourself and your own emotions ?