Answering Hard Questions

Today’s complicated situation (not my own) – I am currently expecting and due in December. My pregnancy was unplanned with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with, and I initially considered abortion but chose to pursue open adoption instead. The adoptive parents I selected are family—my sister-in-law’s sister—so my son would grow up with his cousins in the town I’m from and where some of my family still live. They’ve struggled with infertility, having faced four miscarriages and a stillborn, and they’re overjoyed about this baby.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the future and how I’ll respond when my son asks, “Why did you give me up?” My reasons feel rooted in fear and selfishness, and I’m not sure they’re good enough. I’m 27, with a stable job, savings, no drug issues, and not in any dire circumstances. I’ve just never wanted kids and fear the unknown challenges of single parenting.

I’ve been researching adoption’s impact on both the child and the birth mother and am realizing the deep grief, loss, and trauma involved. It’s making me reconsider my decision to place him for adoption. I fear making this decision will make him grow up feeling rejected by me, but also feeling like a second choice child to the hopeful adoptive parents because of their inability to have biological children.

The HAP are flying out in a few days, and they don’t know I’m having second thoughts. I’m terrified of hurting them. Should I tell them before they come, or wait to talk in person?

If I keep my son, I’ll be raising him as a single mom. Even then, he’ll face the pain of growing up without an involved father. The adoptive family offers a stable, loving two-parent home with the means to provide a private education and a secure future.

For those of you who are adoptees, my question is: Looking back, would you have preferred to stay with your biological mother, even if it meant a tougher life, or be with adoptive parents who could offer more stability and opportunities?

Any thoughts, personal experiences, or advice would mean the world to me. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever faced, and I want to do what’s best for my son, not just what’s easiest for me. I know both decisions are a hard path, so I’m not saying giving up my son for adoption is “easy”, but it’s the “easy” way out of responsibility and fear of the unknown, and it feels deeply selfish. There is a ton of fear surrounding open adoption too with not knowing if it will stay open, or if I’ll end up regretting my decision.

An adoptee reminds her – you don’t owe anyone your baby. Another adoptee admits – I had great adopted parents. Even so, it didn’t stop me from wondering why I was given away. I never felt whole, and still don’t 40 years later. Another adoptee shares – Tons of struggles with my identity, horrible abandonment and attachment issues. One says – And I definitely still have trauma. And another one – I love my adoptive parents, but the feelings of grief and abandonment are pervasive in my life.

A mother shares her own journey – I already had three kids when I ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. I wanted an abortion but ultimately couldn’t go through with it. Then I regretted not going through with it for a looooong time. Like even once my baby was here. So then I contemplated doing adoption, but I’d cry about the trauma it would cause our whole family. Of what I was robbing my innocent baby of. Of the stories from adult adoptees. Of how he would always feel unloved and unwanted because he was the one that didn’t get to stay. And then once he was about 10 months, it just clicked for me. I was listening to a song about abortion in the car and was thinking “that’s what I should have done” and I looked at him in the camera and an immense wave of sadness hit me. And I realized just how perfectly my 4th child has fit into our lives. It was hard. It still is (life would certainly be easier without a one year old, especially as my older kids are in school). But I don’t have any regret anymore. And I remember someone a long time ago told me “you baby is just as adoptable at 6 months as a newborn, so give it time”. It helps get the hormones a little more under control, helps you adjust to life a bit, etc.

Adoption Knowledge Affiliates

I stumbled on this organization, LINK>Adoption Knowledge Affiliates AKA, today and am just passing along some information about them in case it is useful to anyone who reads these blogs.

AKA recognizes that adoption is a lifelong journey. If you have listened to adult adoptees at all you know this. They realize that only only people with a direct connection to adoption can really understand how wide reaching being adopted is. They are inclusive of the foster care and donor conceived community as well. They are a community of people who understand that the feelings connected to separation, identity, and loss can come up again and again for any member of our community.

Their site includes a blog. I found the most recent addition there useful – LINK>The Big Empty (But Don’t Talk About It). It was written in support of the theme – “Disenfranchised Grief and Ambiguous Loss.” She goes on to define what those two terms mean when she encounters them. The term “disenfranchised grief” refers to not being socially entitled to grieve. Ambiguous loss refers to those left without answers, without closure.

She mentions that “I heard those terms bundled up like a two-fer and applied to members of the adoption constellation. Loss is the foundation upon which adoption is built, sometimes forged atop unresolved infertility grief. Birth/first parents are told to move past what little grief they’re permitted. Adoptive parents are told to act “as if” this new child had always been theirs.”

“And adoptees… Well, we’re left to live in that house constructed by everyone but us and, for the most part, don’t question what it’s made of. And we darn sure don’t peel back the wallpaper. Okay, enough with the house metaphor. You get it, right?”

A Sad Truth

I read about this today – We adopted an 8 year old in June. She is not taking it very well. We decorated her room the way she asked. We are sending her to a fabulous school in September. We tell her we love her and we buy her toys. My parents came around with tons of gifts for her and my husband’s dad came to see her as well (his mother passed away).

She refuses to give her granny and grandpa a kiss. She refuses to call us mom and dad. We are trying to be patient but after waiting so long to have a child, we finally got a child but our child does not want us.

She thinks her mom is coming to get her. She was put into the system at the age of 6 due to neglect. Her mother is an alcoholic and her father isn’t around. Her mom forced her to steal alcohol and she got caught. I’m only sharing this because I don’t understand why our daughter does not want a regular mom and dad.

I just walked into her room to collect her laundry and saw her crying. When I asked her what the matter was, she told me that she has her own family who are her “real” family and my husband and I are a “pretend” family.

So, I came up with the idea of teaching her about ancestral magic. Maybe she will be able to feel a connection with her ancestors. That might help her feel that we are also a part of her biological family (watching over her). Do you think this might help ?

blogger’s note – I found this in a book advertisement – LINK>Ancestral Magic by Kirsten Riddle. Empower the here and now with enchanting guidance from your past family history. It is described as “A positive and practical guide to discovering not only your family roots but also your purpose and the magical healing energy available through connecting with your ancestors.”

On to some comments in the group where I saw this –

From a kinship adoptee – my heart breaks for this child. The void & sadness I felt from wanting my mom was almost too much to bear at times. I know what it’s like being that young & longing to be w my real mother.

From another adoptee – this is horrible to read. How do they expect this to go?? It’s a child. A human. Not a product. Ffs. And as a Christian, what if her real family is Christian and they’re going to be shoving this ‘ancestral magic’ nonsense down her throat? Nauseating. And trying to force her to KISS them??? They did that to my daughter who was medical kidnapped as a newborn and tried to force an adoption for 2.5 years and now she has cold sores every month. Sick people. Thank God my adoptive parents never forced me to KISS them, even as a newborn adoption just hugging makes me uncomfortable.

Another writes – Adoptive parents should go through mandatory counselling prior to adopting. This adoptive mother has no idea of the physiological damage she is causing that little girl. Its heart breaking.

Another person asks – so she wants to teach her about deceased ancestors to brainwash her from loving living ancestors ? This is disgusting.

An kinship adoptive parent and the sister of an adoptee suggests – how about some trauma therapy and empathy magic instead?

And a reality check – I understand they love her, but she is not just MAGICALLY your child. She is going through so much trauma being ripped away from her mom. I don’t know why this is a hard concept for this woman to understand.

Not Memories To Keep

Most adoptees don’t want to be reminded of their greatest loss and trauma. It is similar to celebrating the “gotcha day” anniversary. One described it this way – “Your whole original family was just erased. Let’s PARTY!”

One commenter said – I don’t like when they share how many days a kid has been in foster care!!! It makes me want to barf, I was kicked out of a group for congratulating a adoptive parent on celebrating their success in destroying a family!! Apparently I was rude and didn’t respect their feelings. Someone else agreed – omg I hate the days in foster care signs– who in their right mind would think it’s a good idea to have photos in their house advertising that info ? And I thought this response sought a positive perspective – I always see it as an indication of how long the parents fought, even though the game was fixed. To which another shares – my one cousin and his ex-wife fought to get their kids back for 3 years and then, one day everything was just done and my little cousins were gone.

The Reality Is Nuanced

Rachel on her 5th birthday

Rachel found my old blog LINK>Adoptee Birthdays (written in 2022) and left a link to hers in a comment there. She is a transracial, inter-country adoptee and adult third culture kid.

Rachel offers her own insights and compassion at LINK>New Beginnings Psychotherapy in Moreton Bay Australia. She is a LGBTQ+ woman of color. She wrote a blog on the topic of Adoptee’s Birthdays that was posted today (her own birthday was last week).

She was relinquished through abandonment and grew up with no information about her first, or biological, family. (blogger’s note – I can relate. I grew up with no original family information about my adoptee parents, they both were, genetic families. I was able to uncover those stories after both of my parents died 4 mos apart after more than 50 years of marriage to one another.)

She notes that “Many consider adoption a ‘cut and paste’ exercise into making a family; a beautiful opportunity to ‘save a child’ from poor or difficult circumstances. A happy ending, not to be spoken about further.”

She explains that speaking out about an adoptee’s struggle leads to being ostracized or shamed. However, the reality of adoption is that it is nuanced, complex, lifelong, and always has loss at its core. For a new family to be created, there is always a loss of an original one.

Please do read her blog which was posted today.

Rejection And Grief

Today’s story (not my own) –

I was adopted at birth, and I was told at 18. I am now about to turn 28, and really only just beginning to grapple with the emotions that accompany this information. I attribute that to getting married 3 years ago and finally being in a stable enough environment to begin processing, which college was not.

And to be frank, it’s been absolutely fucking awful. I always have and always will love my adoptive family so very much, and that makes the depth of the lie even harder to comprehend. I feel like I am burdening my husband and my friends with just, my own confusion at this stage. I am caught in a cycle of trying to justify my existence with harder and harder work and it’s not working at all lol. I know nearly everyone feels aimless around this stage in life, but woof. I am so tired. I am tired of feeling like the universe didn’t want me here. And like my entire life has been a lie. Which… it kind of was.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you, and I’d like to pose a question. For others who learned about their adoption later in life than childhood, and then began processing even later than that, what helped? Is it like grieving where you just have to let it hurt? Am I doomed to being a mopey bitch forever or will time give me grace with these feelings?

Some responses – Being late discovery adoptee (LDA) has layers to it that other adopted people don’t have to navigate. The lies and losses involved specific to life before and after discovery have massive impacts that can sometimes only be understood by those of us who have lived it. While community with other adopted people is valuable and helpful, I recommend joining specific communities for LDAs and NPEs (Not Parent Expected).

One asks – Are you in reunion at all? It can bring its own challenges but overall I feel like the truth is the only thing that can TRULY fully help us process, even if it hurts more at first. Lean into THE truth and gather as much information as feels right, so that YOU can put it together to come to terms with YOUR truth. For me, that’s the most empowering way to process the trauma.

One adoptee noted – The work you’re doing right now is some of the hardest work some of us ever have to do. Realize and accept that the people who purport/ed to love us, lied to us, or gave us away/sold us. While I can grasp all of it intellectually, I will always struggle with being invisible to them.

Another writes about the impact of the Dobbs decision – Not late discovery, but I didn’t start processing until 2 years ago when I was 40 years old. The Dobbs decision and supply of domestic infants was what triggered it. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything or care before that because while I knew as a child, it was supposed to be a secret from everyone else. There is grief. It does hurt. I don’t have any answers for the pain. I’m still feeling all the feelings two years later. Made contact in December 23 and reunion adds more feelings. It does help that my older half sister wants a relationship and we are working on building on.

From a late discovery adoptee – My experience was quite similar to yours. I discovered that I was adopted when I was 31. Now I’m 57. I think you asked a great question – asking if it’s like grieving. For me, that’s exactly what it was, and it took me a long time to forgive them. They were good parents in a lots of ways. I know they loved me very much (at least my mom) so it was hard to reconcile the fact that people who loved me and who I loved would lie to me about something as fundamental as who I was and where I came from. Like it’s hard to even comprehend. The grief, the loss. What could have been if I’d known and they got me the help I needed. Anyway, a few years after I found out, I decided to try to forgive them. I wanted my kids to have grandparents. And I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing them. Of being an orphan once again. I still go back and forth over it. Most days I don’t even think about it anymore. I’m at peace with it. But sometimes it still pisses me off. I still grieve for what could have been. It takes time. As others have said, being in a group specific to LDAs is a good idea. I think that while we have very much in common with adoptees who have always known, there’s a whole other dimension that only LDAs can understand.

Of course, this can and did go on and on but I think this is enough for today’s blog. If you are on Facebook and are a late discovery adoptee – this is the group mentioned more than once to search on for additional support – LINK>Forum for Late Discovery Adoptees. It is private and I don’t qualify.

Counseling On Adoption Trauma

Today’s question – Do you feel like you were informed or educated on adoption trauma prior to adoption/guardianship ?

A mom who gave her child up for adoption answers – I was never offered counseling nor thought to seek it. When I did google information on adoption back then, nothing about trauma came up. If I had known then what I know now, I never would have done it. I have regretted it every single day of my life and will until the day I die. In response, someone noted – Those sentiments in a conversation with an adult child. Feelings of having been coerced (universally common in agency adoptions). Regret. Loss. Honestly expressing these may go a long way to help her and the child heal as they come out of the fog. An adoptee who also surrendered a child to adoption adds – It was incredibly healing to hear similar from my mom, and having that conversation with my son brought us even closer. What would have been unbelievably hurtful would have been to hear that my mom was happy she gave me away.

The experience is different when adopting through foster care – an adoptive parent answers – Yes and no. The agency we adopted through, the program we did, was mostly older (in the adoption world) placements through foster care. So yes, there was a lot of information about trauma. I felt very well educated and very well informed. We read a lot of books, had a lot of mental health resources already in place, attended trainings, etc. I am also a psychiatric nurse, so I had exposure to it already. That being said, there was still a lot of focus on the trauma being prior to adoption or early in adoption process. Since we were educated on how important birth family was, to honor that loss and grief, keep connections, and knew not to punish behaviors that were from trauma, utilize/provide resources for the children and ourselves etc, then everything would be rainbows and unicorns eventually. (Reality check – it is NOT that false narrative.)

Another adoptive parent shares – No. The Dept of Social Services (DSS) didn’t give any information, but I had studied adoption trauma in grad school. DSS was actually “shocked” when I said that my foster daughter needed therapy. Thankfully, we were referred to an OUTSTANDING doctor who dealt almost exclusively with adoption trauma, including Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

One who has guardianship notes – there was nothing. The judge signed the order and I had to figure it out from there. Child Protective Services stopped in one time to make sure we were minimally sufficient and we had one call from the court investigator. There was no support or information given. I actually find it really frustrating because when we finally did get a little support it was like a quarter of the amount foster parents get. And I was trying to keep a family member out of the system. To become a foster parent there were multiple classes. I’m not sure if they were actually as unhelpful as I remember but the whole process was overwhelming (I was 20, my cousin was going into foster care, long term guardianship was denied and we had to get approved, so he didn’t go to strangers). I’ll be honest. I was not trauma informed at all. I didn’t have a great understanding of addiction, mental health and trauma. As we get closer to adopting (a separate kin placement 6 years later) there has been a lot more information but we haven’t been offered counseling specifically. There was a two day adoption class through the state that was actually really informative and had people from all parts of the triad there to speak. We have cared for older children but it was a fight to get services for them and one child that needed medication wasn’t able to get it until reunification.

How Do You Respond ?

One said – “It’s rough out there.” And shared a quote from Marian Keyes – who is an Irish novelist and non-fiction writer, best known for her work in women’s literature – “I think there is pressure on people to turn every negative into a positive, but we should be allowed to say, ‘I went through something really strange and awful and it has altered me forever’.”

One adoptee wrote – My friends don’t post things like this. I don’t feel safe with people who promote adoption, so we aren’t friends.

One person noted the heart/word image above is “the Narcissistic view of adoption.”

Another person notes – I typically say something like: This is one viewpoint, which can look really beautiful, but we can’t forget how it looks for others on the opposite side of the adoption triad – which is loss, separation trauma, and a lifetime of questions and possible deep hurting. Then she says, it typically gets me blocked or unfriended, but I don’t care. I’m tired of the fairytale narrative.

Mental Health Challenge

Mental health issues are important to me. I have dealt with serious ones within my own birth family. Today’s story –

I am asking for ideas on how to best help my sister. Last week I got a phone call from my sister begging me to come get her daughter because she had an angry outburst towards her daughter. I left work, called my husband, and we went to her house. We came up with a plan to temporarily have her daughter stay with us (not a custody agreement, basically more like a sleep over) and keep her until my sister could get some mental help. I live 5 minutes away from my sister, so it’s a very close drive.

Later that night my sister called and accused us of trying to steal her daughter, take control, and strip her of her rights. We immediately explained that we had absolutely no intent of that and she had every single right to come get her daughter and I promised her that I only want what is best for both my sister and her baby. She ended up deciding to leave her daughter with us. Each day we keep heavily in contact, I ask permission before doing anything with her daughter and assure her that she is the best mother for her daughter and that I support her.

However my sister is not showing interest in trying to get help mentally. (blogger’s note – this is an issue I have dealt with in my own family.) She also keeps saying things like “R is happier at your house” “R does not listen to me like she does you” and making comments about R needing to stay at my house permanently. It’s not even been a full week and I want to give her time. My question is how can I help? What are things that I need to do during this time to help my sister and also keep her relationship with my niece intact. I try reminding her that she is an amazing mother. I try reminding her that I also have had periods in my life where I had to seek help due to my own mental health. I just feel like I’m not supporting her enough. I want to help break the cycle (we faced this with our own birth mother). I want to make sure I am not over stepping. I want to make sure I am not enabling either. I also don’t want to put unrealistic expectations on her that might cause more harm.

A suggestion from an adoptee who has had a similar life experience – When I was only 17, I was taking care of my brother’s kids (at the time he was in his 40s. and his girlfriend was in her 30s). My suggestion is that I would try to go over to her house or have her stay with you and help her navigate the relationship with her daughter. Try to see what is triggering her outbursts and go from there. She might need professional help. I went through a similar situation with my ex-sister-in-law. Her wakeup call was when the kids were being taken into foster care. How often does your sister get a break from being (I assume) a single mom ? How old is your niece ? She might just need a break. Set up a schedule and take your niece a few times a month, when it works with y’alls schedule. I’m always offering to take friend’s kids or my nieces and nephews to spend time with me and my kids.

Childhood Trauma

This will not be news to most adoptees. Still the statistics don’t lie about what childhood trauma does to the child. Being separated from the family that we were conceived within will always have a layer of trauma built in.

The effects of adoption trauma include grief and loss, problems in relationships, struggles with identity and sense of belonging, or behavioral and academic problems. Adoption trauma can also sometimes lead to more serious mental health concerns, including anxiety, ADHD, and suicidal ideation.

Just Google “Adoption Trauma” and you will find abundant sources of corroborating information.