A Lifetime Of Wondering Why

It is not unusual to hear adoptees express this kind of feeling – Adoption damned me to a lifetime of wondering why ? Why didn’t you love me enough to stay ? Do I deserve love ? What is love ? Am I unlovable ?

When a mother breaks the bond the infant had with her, it’s tears away everything the infant knew. The child’s heart is like a broken record or a confused GPS constantly re-calculating and playing over and over again the trauma, trying to make sense of it.

We are given a connection at birth. The moment that a severing happens a new attachment is formed. Heartbeats heard for months comfort us as we lay skin to skin. A voice we fell asleep to in our water beds is clearer and easy to recognize. The hands that pressed against the womb like a window now cradle and caress us. They do so for years. Or as long as we let them. I was nothing to you and no one was that special someone to me again.

I used to look for you. Staring in the faces of strangers, trying to remember how you looked and praying my eyes would settle on the face my heart would remember. I used to sit in a fog, while other children played around me, with thoughts only for you. I used to lay awake at night in my bed and see the moon peeking through the window and despair that tomorrow was another day of looking. Another long night apart.

So yes, I do remember. Even now, decades later – my body, my soul, and my heart remembers. I have learned love and I have learned loss. I have learned to draw happy little stick families with a sticker heart border and “my family” scrawled at the top. I still remember being pressed against your chest with your hair and smoky breath swirling around me. Pressed against your chest until I couldn’t breathe and it was all warm and black and fuzzy – YOU.

I know where you are now. You are buried on the side of a mountain. I never found you again no matter how hard I looked and believe me I never stopped looking. I do plan to visit your grave someday. I want to stop my heart from looking. I want to say the goodbye I never got to say and I want to do it for the little girl who still remembers.

Blogger’s note – on my own “roots” journey to discover who my adoptee parents’ biological, genetic parents were, I have been able to visit the graves of my mom’s parents. And I did sit there next to their gravestones and pour my heart out with the good-bye’s I never had an opportunity to say, before then.

Should I Tell ?

Not saying my image is “the” necklace but it is a lovely tradition to share.

Today’s story (not my own) –

My cousin was adopted out during the Baby Scoop Era and my family is Catholic. She’s 15 yrs older than me and she found us when I was a tween (so like 30 yrs ago). She was very close to her adoptive dad, but not as much with her adoptive mother. They’ve both passed now, and she is close now with us, her birth family including her birth Mom.

So my question is… my Grandma got all her female grandchildren a necklace for our parents to give us at high school graduation. We have a “cousins chat group” which she is in, and I recently posted a pic of the necklace and included her saying that I found one online and I’d love to send her one too because Grandma would want her to have it. She seemed really thankful and said she loved it.

So here’s the thing – my Aunt (her birth Mom, who may have already told her this) told me not too long ago that my Grandma forbid my Aunt to hold her as a newborn and refused to hold her herself, as she knew if they did they’d never be able to let her go. Do I tell her this?? Or is this really overstepping, and just let her enjoy her “cousin necklace”? I just love her so much and want her to know how much her natural family loves her, especially now that her adoptive family is gone.

An adoptee answers – I would not tell her that, it can only bring hurt.

Another agrees but with exceptions – I wouldn’t voluntarily tell her that. But if she asks difficult questions or wants to have all info, even hard to hear info revealed to her, tell her the truth, every time.

An adult adoptee elaborates – I don’t think it’s necessary to say at all, personally, but also it seems completely unrelated to this specific context of giving her the necklace. Like, if the point is to bring her in and include her in a family tradition, why turn around and also tell her “btw granny said/did some awful things when you were born. but she’d want you to have this!” ? It just seems like it would negate the sentiment of the gift – you’d be including her and also othering her at the same time.

Then, there was this sad story – My grandma loves to bring up the fact that my mom dropped me off when I was 2 days old and that my father left the state because “he would’ve killed you, if he stuck around”. There really is no reason to share that information with me. I know about my trauma and have a lot of specific events and memories. Adding more just doesn’t….make sense. Seems like adding salt to the wound.

More from another adoptee – My siblings and cousins know a lot more about my family situation than I do as it’s their lived experience. My cousin and I, in particular, have an extremely close relationship and I believe her when she tells me stories about our family. That said, she does not tell me things that would be personally hurtful to me that she may have overheard. We had this discussion and she asked me, “Do you want to know EVERYTHING?” So I got the watered down version sans quotes. I do know it was my grandmother who insisted I be relinquished. I know how she treated my mother when she was pregnant with me and afterwards. I really don’t need to know more than that.

Personally, I would not share that with her UNLESS she were to ask you, “Do you know if my mother and grandmother ever held me?” And then I would HEAVILY stress that the reason they didn’t was because they loved her so much and knew they would never be able to let her go. Please let her enjoy the cousin necklace and THANK YOU for getting her her own cousin necklace and including her in the group chat.

So many have similar experiences, like this one – My grandparents refused to see me and my mother did not hold me, but she would come look at me. My grandparents couldn’t bring themselves to look at me because I would be real. If I was real then they couldn’t give me away. It is really a conversation that needs to be had between her and her mother. It’s not really a conversation that anyone else can accurately translate.

Love For Them Is Natural

Image from a reunion story at LINK>Cafe Mom

I read this from an adoptive parent today in my all things adoption group – “We as adoptive parents shouldn’t feel threatened when adoptees express their love for their biological parents.”

The comment above came in response to something she had read in a different group (that I am not a member of) – “How do you handle your kids saying they love their biological parents more than you ? My oldest son is 5 but I’ve had him since he was 9 months old. He was allowed overnights with biological mom until he was 2-1/2 years old. He’s only seen her 5 times since she lost custody. From my prospective, he doesn’t really know her because they have rarely been together. The overnights were for one night every month or two. It just hurts my feelings when he says he loves his birth mom and her husband (not his bio dad) and not me”.

One mother of loss noted a bit cynically – OMG did an adoptive parent just admit their own fragility and insecurity ?! Better put this one on the calendar. Someone get this lady a medal. Sorry you weren’t able to erase an unbreakable bond. And as how to “handle” it ? You ACCEPT it. You know what ? Your feelings are not what matters. You get a shrink and you just deal with it. Or you use a 5 year old’s true feelings to alienate the child for your own selfish gain by cutting contact and closing the adoption, like 89% of the rest of the vultures do. He hasn’t seen her but 5 times and they’re rarely together because you haven’t allowed it, because you’re jealous. From overnights to nothing, hmmm what do we think the outcome will be ?

One woman who works with young people wrote – Doing youth work, it’s been enlightening to see how the way the adoptive parents treat the whole subject and how the kid processes it all as they get to an age to understand this stuff with more detail. The ones who have been treated like belongings have had real internal struggles. There was quite a bit of kinship caring in the families we worked with and there’s been more than one “family visit” night where like 25 people have turned up. LOL I’m like, well the room isn’t that big so pick 3 people and I’ll go get the client. A lot of times when the kid was from a really remote location the whole family, like half the community, would come down and camp in the park across the road. Especially elders. I wish the people who had the attitudes like that woman could see that.

An adoptee notes – The adoptive parent expects a 5 year old to manage their feelings, with an adult-level understanding of how to do that, while denying any preferences of his own. Also in my opinion, describing it as hurting her feelings, after expressing disbelief that her son could love his biological mom more, is really her projecting her resentment about that onto the child. He’ll definitely learn not to express anything like that to her – eventually. That’s how it’s getting handled: by him.

An experienced foster/adoptive mom writes – it’s SO important that anyone getting getting involved, particularly in the foster care system, be free of the super common “looking to expand our family”. You can’t expect a child, let alone a traumatized child, to fulfill your emotional needs. That’s not what kids are for. If you’re truly interested in helping kids… Then you should be thrilled they have a great connection to their family. That’s to be celebrated. Like yay! You did a good job! Your kid has connections and is able to recognize those emotions and feels free to verbalize them! It’s just such a fundamental baked-in part of the problem that, when you pay for a child, you think you own it. You have expectations. It’s yours. It’s late stage capitalism in one of its worst forms. The inherent power structure and commodification of *children*.

Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Work

It is sad . . . today’s story – an adoptee who became an adoptive parent had only the best intentions. We wanted an open adoption from the beginning. Not just calls and pictures, but truly and fully open. And we did that. But what happens when the first family doesn’t put forth any effort ? They will promise but don’t follow through. My son dreads being around them. They say they will do better but don’t. My son has now said he wants nothing to do with them. That is heartbreaking for me. I’ve told him they love him so much and he said “well, I’ve never seen love shown this way.”

When they showed up, they were completely upset that he wasn’t overly thrilled to see them or he didn’t want to hug. I tried to explain to them, it’s because it’s been months and months with no contact from them, he doesn’t really know them, and so of course, it’s going to take time for him to open up. But because he is reserved they give up and they don’t try. Now there hasn’t been any contact in months. My 11 year old son seems happier and stress free. Even so, I’m sad about it.

Another adoptee who is a former foster care youth shared their experience – My parents also kept me in contact with my birth family members since the beginning. Some good, some bad. My birth mom sounds just like his, and I honestly resented my parents for forcing it. They were just trying to hold up their end of the commitment, but they didn’t hear me when I said I didn’t want to go. Years later we still discuss it in therapy. My grandparents on the other hand are AMAZING and I am so happy that my family encouraged and allowed access. But they are great because they showed up for me. Loved me, took an interest in me, etc. Listen to your son. I’m sure you are doing the same as my parents were, which I thank you for that. Maybe it will be a wake up call to his first family that they need to adjust their behavior… or maybe not. But his voice needs to be heard.

Of course, sometimes it works. From Let It Be Us, an essay titled LINK>Open Adoption – A 30+ Year Perspective From the Rear View Mirror. The woman writing is Susan McConnell, who has 30+ years of experience in open adoption. She notes – “in the world of open adoption, openness is a process.” And from more than one experience that I have read – sometimes a bit messy.

Entrustment Ceremony

Not the best image but it gets the point across.

From the LINK>Lifetime Adoption website – For many birth parents, trusting a new couple with their precious baby can feel almost impossible. Additionally, both birth parents and adoptive parents often want to feel a sense of closure with their respective adoption journeys. For these reasons, many families like to celebrate adoption with a special entrustment ceremony.

Many find commemorating their child’s transition from birth family to adoptive family to be a powerful experience. In the past, some adoptive parents would welcome a new child into their home with a “welcome home” party or baby shower. Some would hold a naming ceremony or baptism. But the entrustment ceremony carries special meaning, because it involves both of the child’s families.

The ceremony can look however those involved want it to. If both families live in the same area, they might hold an entrustment ceremony at a local chapel or park. Some families hold the ceremony at a church. Usually, the ceremony begins with the birth parents talking about how they chose the adoptive parents and why they trust them with the care of their child. Then, the adoptive parents talk about the love they will have for the baby. They may also make promises for the future in the form of vows. You can talk about anything you’d like, including your feelings of trust and respect for each other.

Many will add a reading or song to the ceremony. The text is often religious, such as a passage from the Bible. Or, it could even be from a favorite book. The intention is to express their hope, happiness, and love in a poetic and meaningful way. Christian families may pray over the child and for each of the families. Some ceremonies involve lighting candles similar to the lighting of a unity candle in a wedding ceremony. Each parent or set of parents uses a lit candle to light a larger candle together. The ritual is a metaphor for the joining of two families in a unique way.

For birth parents, the ceremony allows them to have closure for what may have been a very difficult decision. The service provides a positive ending instead of a sad one. It allows each person the chance to say their piece. It will enable the participants to feel like the process is final, and they have said everything they wanted to say. Nobody will end up feeling like they have unfinished business. One fact stays the same: everyone participating loves the child and wants the best for him or her.

All I Want For Christmas

Is any body’s baby

I loved the magic and happy ending in a story that was published in The Guardian – LINK>I found a baby on my doorstep on Christmas Day. I liked that the woman’s first thought was – “There’s someone out there who loves you. I’m sure of it.”

Then, she added – “But if there isn’t, then I will love you. It will be OK, I promise.” It was as if he understood, because he stopped crying. It was 2017 and her own son was only five weeks old. So, she was not experiencing infertility and wanting someone else’s baby but her mothering instincts simply kicked in. She wondered – “How could anyone have abandoned a child, especially when it was -1C outside?” (30 degrees for those of us who use Fahrenheit measurements.)

She notes – “I was sure there was a mother out there looking for him, as he’d responded to the kindness in my voice. But some part of me was also preparing for the alternative. I even thought about fostering classes I might have to take.”

The police arrived with the baby’s mother in their car – “She flew up our steps in a split second, took him from my arms and seemed to collapse over him, sobbing.”

Turns out that the mother and baby lived nearby. After putting her son in the car that morning, she’d realized that she hadn’t locked her front door. In the second she stepped away, a teenage boy had stolen the car. Discovering the baby in the back seat, he panicked. One wonders that he chose this house to leave the baby at. The woman ends her story – “I don’t know if some higher power meant for us to take care of the baby that day. But I’ll always be thankful we were there to open the door when the knock came.”

Get Any 5 In A Row

How about the far right vertical column ? Love is not enough. Some adoptees would have preferred to have been aborted. Many are accused of being bitter if they speak out about adoption according to their own lived reality. My genetic biological grandmothers were not really all that young but were probably considered by some to be too young (or is it only that they lacked adequate support and financial means ?). Most adoptive parents including my own adoptive grandmothers would probably have agreed with the last one.

Maybe the far left vertical column suits your perspectives. Certainly many babies do start life in an orphanage (in fact, leaving my mom for temporary care at Porter Leath in Memphis was my grandmother’s well intentioned but tragic choice). Babies also turn up in dumpsters – sadly. The all things adoption group that I am part of is often accused of being “mean and negative”. When an adoptee wants to know more about their origins they are often accused of not being grateful or not loving their adoptive parents enough to just accept their lot in life. Some who have experienced the pain of infertility look at those who conceive easily and think it is unfair. And of course, the perennial question about the lack of alternatives to adoption.

In fact many of these bingo “scores” I’ve encountered many times as I have sought to educate my own self about the realities of the commercial adoption industry that makes LOTS of money for those promoting the taking of children from one family and depositing them with another.

It Is Their Mystery Too

Casey Vandenberg and Katherine Benoit-Schwartz

A woman in my all things adoption group wrote – A few years ago, I found my genetic biological dad on Facebook. On a monthly basis I look at his page. His pictures. His families profiles. The last few years I have really wanted to reach out but it’s never felt like the right time. I hesitate because he is married and I have no idea if his wife knows about me.

Blogger’s note – This really tugs at my heart. Often when children are surrendered, the father is left out. My mom’s genetic biological parents were married but separated when my grandmother returned to Memphis at the tail end of a massive flood on the Mississippi River. After being exploited and coerced by Georgia Tann to surrender my mom, almost as an after-thought Tann’s lawyer suggested they better get my grandfather’ signature on the Surrender Papers too, so he couldn’t turn up later with a claim for the child. The only thing I’ve heard that he said about my grandmother was that she was so young. Compared to him, that was true. Same with my dad’s genetic biological parents (his parents never married because he already was a married man and never knew about the son he fathered). Old men seem forever attracted to young women. Sigh.

Looking for an image for this blog today, I came across the heartwarming story that the image here comes from. It was published in Good Housekeeping, May 10 2016, by Stephanie Booth. LINK>I Found My Dad After 33 Years of Searching. Katherine was adopted in Quebec Canada. On her original birth certificate, her biological father was listed as “Unknown,” but the certificate revealed the full name of her birth mother. Sadly, when she reached out hoping to meet the woman, she was told that her mother did not want to know her. “I could never be cold like my mother!” she says. “I had to find [where] the side of me that was caring and had a heart [came from]. I had to know what kind of person my dad was.”

Using a Family Tree DNA kit, Katherine sent her sample in. Just over two months, after mailing in the sample, Katherine was watching TV when her phone alerted her that she had a new e-mail. “I just knew,” she says. “I began sweating, and my heart was racing. When I opened the e-mail, it said I had a match.” It wasn’t her father but a female relative with the same surname as his. She fired off a note explaining that she was looking for her dad and sharing the bits of information she had. The reply came right away: That sounds like my uncle Casey. The two got on the phone and chatted, and Gerdi promised to reach out to her uncle.

Casey was already 82 years old and retired. He was living in Cape Coral Florida. Minutes after having talked with his niece, Casey sent Katherine an e-mail introducing himself. “He told me he loved me and signed it Your dad,” Katherine says. “That touched my heart. I felt like my life had come full circle.” “There was an immediate bond,” Katherine says. “It was a shock to both of us, but we felt connected. I had no problem calling him my dad. I’d waited for him since I was a teenager, for 33 years.”

“We have an adult father-daughter relationship. There’s no baggage, just respect. We enjoy each other. Not everyone gets a happy ending, but I got mine,” Katherine says. Casey says, “She’s a hell of a gal.”

Narcissism

Started reading a piece by Shane Bouel on Medium titled LINK>Objectification of Adoption via Narcissism, subtitled – A Deplorable Default Truth of Adoption. I thought about the many times I have read adoptees describe their adoptive parent (usually the adoptive mother) as a narcissist. I reflected that I wasn’t sure I had ever written about that in this blog. You will need to be a “member” to read the entire Medium piece, so I will excerpt a few thoughts from his writing, until I hit the paywall myself.

He writes – The world of adoption is often portrayed as a realm of selflessness and love, where individuals make the profound choice to provide a home and family for a child in need. While this perspective is undoubtedly valid, there is an uncomfortable truth that deserves consideration: Adoption inherently invites narcissism.

[1] The Desire for Validation – One aspect that links adoption and narcissism is the inherent desire for validation. Individuals who choose to adopt may find validation in being perceived as saviors or heroes who rescue a child from a less fortunate situation. This need for external validation can be a manifestation of narcissistic tendencies, where one’s self-worth is closely tied to the approval and admiration of others.

[2] Control and Ownership – Another element to consider is the sense of control and ownership that adoption can bring. The act of adopting a child can be perceived as an assertion of power and control over another person’s life. This desire for control aligns with narcissistic traits, as narcissists often seek to dominate and exert influence over those around them.

[3] Idealized Self-Image – Narcissists tend to have an idealized self-image, and adoption can serve as a means to further enhance this image. Adoptive parents may view themselves as exceptionally kind, generous, and selfless, reinforcing their own positive self-perception. The adoption narrative can be a platform for bolstering the idealized self-image of those involved.

[4] Manipulation of Empathy – Narcissists are known for their ability to manipulate and elicit empathy from others. In the context of adoption, this manipulation can take the form of presenting themselves as selfless and virtuous individuals who are solely focused on the well-being of the child. This calculated display of empathy can be a…

(and I hit the paywall – I’m not really ready to go back to paying at this time).

I found a LINK>to Shane on FB, where he says this about his piece on Medium – This article delves into the complex dynamics at play, highlighting how the desire to adopt can intertwine with narcissistic tendencies and exploring the potential consequences of this intersection.

The truth of adoption is an uncomfortable reality that cannot be ignored. While adoption is often depicted as a selfless act driven by love and compassion, the underlying complexities reveal a darker side. Behind the heartwarming narratives lie stories of loss, identity struggles, and the commodification of vulnerable lives. The default truth of adoption encompasses the harsh realities of a system that can perpetuate secrecy, discrimination, and emotional trauma.

Why? Because the foundation of adoption is rooted in trauma, as long as the baby scoop era and forced adoption existed, adoption will be tarred with the same brush. Supporting saviorism over family preservation! Is this true adoption advocacy? In truth, adoption should be abolished! It’s time to call out toxic advocacy.

Treatment Resistant – Really ?

An adoptee writes – It amazes me how ignorant most people are about how to speak kindly to an adopted person who is advocating for adoptee rights and adoption reform activists.

That’s because everyone doesn’t see the gaping wound inside us. If they could see it, they’d fall to their knees telling us how sorry they are for our loss and apologize for insisting we feel, think, and talk only the way the adoption industry’s propaganda would like us to. Along with having numerous mental health diagnosis and labels (and they were all a lie because ”they” made the wound about behavior) and then made an incorrect diagnosis and even that incorrectly and so, treated us for the wrong thing. Yeah, that is what happens.

We got labeled “treatment resistant”, like somehow this twisted up lie we had to buy into, with everything bottled up within us, was more important than our own feelings and thoughts about our very own life experiences. Like having very normal feelings related to a very abnormal situation made us bad, or sick, or troubled children and

Why?

Because, up until adult adopted people found their voice and started using it, to educate, and get laws changed, even the mental health professionals didn’t recognize the trauma of relinquishment. The focus was always on how the child was not adjusting and the treatment consisted mostly of behavior modification. In other words, we were being groomed to be compliant adoptees.

Some of us were just too stubborn. There was no way my adoptive mom was getting the space in my heart I’d given to my first mother or the smaller space reserved for my foster parents and brother. I loved her and all but I was determined to hold onto my lived experience.

In fairy tales and children’s stories – there was a pea, and the flying monkeys were never bad, just exploited by power, and the truth really is – movies about orphans are propaganda for the adoption industry. It’s time we stop expecting children to play house. We need to start caring for and loving them through the losses they have experienced, before they landed with you, their adoptive parents. It’s time we allow a child in need of care by strangers, to continue to keep their own factual birth certificate and for courts to issue permanent guardianship papers, instead of a fictitious birth certificate. Every attempt must be made to keep the child with the family they were born into, until that effort has been completely and truthfully exhausted. Expediency is not an excuse for running roughshod over families.

So much of an adoptee’s time is spent going round and round, trying to make sense of this huge lie they are being forced to live. Many simply have not yet recognized how to blame anyone else, which is ok to do during the sorting out phase, just don’t forget to go back and clean up your campsite, once you’ve gained some clarity.