Something I Can Do

Today, I read a question in my all things adoption (which includes foster care) – I have a quick question regarding fostering. From time to time, local advocacy groups will try to find families to temporarily foster Muslim children. There’s not a ton of Muslims in our state, and most foster agencies/related organizations are Christian run and not interested in respecting a child’s religious or cultural background. Somewhere somehow, a Muslim volunteer gets involved and desperately tries to find a family to take the child in. Is it, in this situation, ethnical or morally okay for me to take the child in temporarily? I am not super familiar with the foster system, but I have the resources to care for another child temporarily and would do so only with reunification in mind. I just don’t want to cause harm.

One response led me to the organization who’s logo I am using as an image today – Michigan has a large Muslim population and we have a support organization that walks favors the process of being a foster parent AND provides reunification supports for the parents. If you can provide temporary care, and the children have been removed from their parents’ care, please offer a home that is culturally aware.

One adoptee noted – So often Muslim children are thrown into Christian homes and their beliefs aren’t respected out of ignorance or worse. The reality is foster parents are needed, that’s not going to change in the near future. Remember, the goal is foster care is reunification. You should be working with mom and dad, not against them.

Another adoptee notes – If your can fully support reunification in an informed way, you’d be an ideal placement for a Muslim child who needs to remain in their community or culture of origin. The Muslim view on adoption would be respected by you in a way it wouldn’t be by most foster parents, should the case plan change from reunification. You’d still be voluntarily interacting with a corrupt system so it wouldn’t be 100% ethical, but any children, especially Muslim children, would likely have a far better outcome being placed with you vs the other foster parents in your area.

One social worker wrote – it is ok to take the child in if you are respectful of food choices (such as no pork) and are willing to provide access to their religious preferences such as taking them to a mosque.

So I searched and found the LINK>Muslim Foster Care Association. Their impact statement reads – we strive to enable Muslim children in the foster care system to thrive, flourish and be their best as human beings, Muslims, and contributing members of society. Every year we serve over 200 Muslim children in the foster care system throughout Michigan and with the help of our generous donors, raise thousands of dollars to fund our programs. Our goal is to create innovative solutions to the challenges faced by Muslim youth in various stages of their transition.

So for anyone who wants to do something more than protest the situation in Gaza, I am happy to lend awareness to this organization. I realize that supporting this organization does NOT impact what is happening in the Middle East. This is just some people trying to make a positive difference here in the US.

Foster Care Reform

Discussion topic from my all things adoption (and foster care because they are very much intertwined) – Being a foster caregiver means you are contributing to a flawed and broken system. It makes you part of the problem.

Foster carers don’t like to hear that, they prefer to feel they are saviors. They will use terms like they are a “soft place for these kids to land while their parents work on the issues that got them there” or they just want to be a “place these kids feel safe and loved”. They want to “make a difference” in these kids lives because that feels all warm and cozy and is the perfect look at me social media moment.

Lovely sentiments..I’ll say good intentions as well, but they are only that..lovely sentiments that mean nothing when you have a corrupt, controlling, biased system watching over you. Your hands are tied.

How can you better help kids other than being a foster caregiver and taking your instructions from a corrupt system? What specific changes need to be made in child welfare for it to even be remotely something someone should consider aligning themselves with?

Some of the thoughts on this –

Becoming a CASA advocate. It’s free, and the classes are typically offered 2-3 times a year. Connecting with kids through programs like Boys and Girls Club, Big Brother Big Sister. Reaching out to vulnerable families and offering help directly to them.

The biggest change is that the resources given to fosterers need to be redirected to families in need and family preservation as a whole. Poverty should never be a cause for removal.

One notes – the system needs to look for more kin. This idea that only the next of kin can take children supports the system not putting any effort into keeping kids with family. Half the time they don’t even look for family. They say they do, but they don’t.

It should go without saying but still it must be emphasized that nobody wants kids in an unsafe situation (even though Child Protective Services regularly leaves children in awful situations). And I’m sure there are instances where a trained non-relative’s residence is the best place to support the child. But those services must be disconnected from the foster system as we know it.

From a social worker in the field of family preservation – the continued participation of foster parents is propping up the system. I work in a system with many examples of how easy it is to eliminate the need for fostering. Kinship care is one – here, kinship is defined according to Indigenous cultures, which is any person involved in the child’s life, culture, or community. Family preservation programming is another, either through social supports coming into the home or the family moving into a residential facility with all needed supports in place. Another option is supported living placements for youth; they live independently in their own apartment with support workers and services integrated as needed.

Stop viewing being poor as a moral fault or think it automatically makes you a bad parent.

A former foster parent writes – I stopped being a foster parent when I realized how little support and care the parents received. I think it was actually a social worker than made me realize it when she said you and every other foster parent are no different than the parents. You could easily be in their same situation. I think more foster parents need to realize they are no different and start thinking about what they would want if they were in the same situation.

Personally if my kids were removed I would want full access to them, their healthcare, their school records and sports. I would want for them to be returned as quickly possible. That being said I am clueless and ignorant on how to help and how to support these families. I feel like the biggest problem in our area is drugs. Other than carrying Narcan, I don’t know how else to support help these families staying together. To which, someone else suggested – You can get involved with your local women’s shelter, Domestic Violence Shelters, etc – that is a start.

Yet another notes – there are some areas that are beginning amazing programs that foster whole families, either in home or out of home. LINK>Saving Our Sisters is a great place to start, volunteering as a sister on the ground. I love that you understand and empathize with parents. That’s rare and appreciated.

Another option is helping with food pantries and clothing pantries. Personally, I refuse to have anything to do with goodwill or salvation army because they are beyond problematic. LINK>The Trevor Project is another wonderful organization to get involved with to help at risk LGBTQ youth. Churches are also a great place to reach out to. Many of them have programs that help the community, but always need help.

There are courses you can take through Red Cross that offer Infant CPR and Child Care Certifications. Go into online community pages and explain that you are a former fosterer and you have infant CPR training (basically put out your credentials) and offer to help with child care.

I could go on and on but there is always another way to address social problems beyond tearing genetically related, biological families apart.

Different Not Better

Valid response from a former foster kid –

Stop saying better. Start saying different. When the adoptee is rehomed, abused or killed then it’s not our problem. We can’t guarantee better. Right now adoption is based on what people want. It was based on this way ever since the government and agencies took over. It’s not about helping kids but helping yourself to kids. People don’t adopt to help kids. They adopt to become parents. To be mommy and daddy – not play mommy and daddy.

It also upsets me – the kids who aren’t seen as worthy, don’t get adopted. So again, who is adoption for ? People are waiting for a non-existent baby to be created or a baby to lose their family in foster care, so they can grow their family.

What was this in response to ?

I am a social worker by education, been out of the field for about 6 years, I worked for about 1 year in foster care/adoptions. I left the field because I felt it was difficult to make a difference/help due to all red tape and bureaucracy.

Anyway, one thing I took from my experience, was that I want to adopt. I just thought I would be loving a child, adding to the family, teaching them, helping them grow, etc.

I did believe/was taught (or something) that adopting children from foster care, etc was… making a difference, that it was in a way, giving them another chance. A chance to give them a good home, better opportunity and away from abuse, neglect, exploitation etc. Or that parents who give up their children for adoption are brave, because it’s really hard to give up a child, but they do it out of love, because at that moment they can’t provide a good life for them, etc.